Superdad454

So I have been to a couple Alanon meetings now, so I kinda GET what I am SUPPOSED to be doing and how I am SUPPOSED to be thinking. I know I am a LONG way from being able to actually practice much yet but I am going to keep going back.

Anyways..

My "qualifier" ended up getting herself kicked out of two sober living houses, turns out she lasted 7 whole days in the second one before just deciding not to go back one night after breaking curfew. Of course in her view it was one big mistake/confusion and then she couldn't go back and it was too late blah blah blah.
I managed to support and encourage my wife to be strong for about 3-4 days of not knowing where she was. I guess by the end she was sleeping in someone's car. My wife begged me to bring her home so she wasn't "lost in a distant city" so I conceded and agreed to not be a jerk to her and let her come back. My one success was making her take the bus home which was miserable and that made me a little sickly happy.

So now she is staying with us in our house. In theory it is only for a couple weeks until we get her set up somewhere else long term. She is going to be starting some outpatient recovery and going to meetings etc. My view is she can do all that on her own and doesn't need to live with us while she does that, not to mention we live WAY too far for any public transportation. She is supposed to also find a job.

The problem is, I know I am not far enough into this Alanon stuff to not feel REALLY resentful that she is now living under our roof after just pissing away an entire month's rent and getting kicked out of multiple living situations. Now the unspoken implication is that we of course need to be helping her get to meetings as often as possible. She has no car so she goes nowhere unless we take her. So now my wife is telling me that our weekday evenings are all committed to various meetings and groups, and "OH BOY!", we even ALL get to go to FAMILY NIGHT together on Fridays!! :-| Of course now any weekend activities will have to be arraigned to accommodate her so that she "feels included", we can't follow through with plans we had two weeks ago to go do something alone because that will leave her alone at home and she might feel bad...

This is a woman in her early 20s, not a "tween" that needs to be "included".

So, admitting I just spewed a bunch of semi juvenile resentment, how do people in this type of situation deal with the resentment of having their lives interrupted, why does "the qualifier's" intentional choices HAVE to dictate how my life and schedule runs now?

How can I address this with my wife so I am not attacking either of them and she might agree that it won't hurt her to be left alone at home while we proceed with plans we already had?

suki44883

No, you don't have to be helping her get to meetings as often as possible. If she want to go to meetings badly enough, she'll make arrangements to get there. If she doesn't want to go badly enough, then she's not going to get much out of the meetings anyway.


No, you don't have to do everything to accommodate her. No, you don't have to go to family night, either. Her sobriety is NOT your responsibility. It's her's. If she doesn't want it, then you're all just wasting everyone's time. If you want to continue with the plans already made, then do so. She won't die if she isn't included.

The whole point of al-anon is to learn how to not let the choices and whims of the alcoholic control our lives. I recommend you continue going to al-anon and let her do whatever she's going to do. You can't control her anyway.

honeypig

Superdad, you might find this helpful if you haven't already seen it: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I don't believe at any point that this says "your life and all your activities must center around the addict." In fact, I think it says quite the opposite. Suki made some good points in her post.

suki44883

Also it just came to me...If you want her out of there as soon as possible (NOT that you are obligated to allow her to stay there at all), then you don't want her to become too comfortable. You don't want her to always get her way, especially if it interferes with something you want. If she enjoys it there too much, you may have a hard time getting her out. Just something to think about.

Hammer

yeahhhh. Bicycles work GREAT. Even in snow for those who care to get there.

I am fairly deep into Alanon. and this aint necessarily Alanon. . . . I would suggest you DO Listen to YOUR Feeling. Resentments Included. There is a Reason You (and I) have Resentments. Because the Adult-Children-for-Life-Women are spoiled brats. Now as far as who and why may have (at least helped) create or maintain that condition . . . there we can look in the mirror. That part is a little more Alanon.

BUT if we have Encouraged and Enabled these behaviors -- we can Stop Our Part of it.

First Priority is kids -- talking about little ones. Second is you (and me). Because we take care of things for the kids. Priority for the Drunk? Not so much. Drunks are resourceful. Sleeping in cars and whatnot. They can take care of themselves.

Personally, I like the bus part. Sort of how I pictured Mrs. Hammer heading off to Rehab. With me and the kids in big circle singing -- Gotta Go To Rehab. Idiot that I am I was suckered into buying her an airline ticket when she pretended she could not figure out how. Mirror check for me on that one.

suki44883

I'm guessing your "qualifier" is either a daughter or another female relative? You said your wife begged you to "bring her home." In any case, you cannot allow the addict to run the house. You don't have to change any plans previously made, and you do NOT have to see that she gets to meetings, etc.

Hammer

Step-daughter from what I recall?

If he gets between the Codie mom and target/user daughter -- he will be the one out of the house.

The dance is already laid out.

Superdad454

Thanks for the feedback guys.

Yes it is my step daughter in this case.

The situation is such that, since we decided to get her back into her home zip code she has no place to go if we don't extend the courtesy to let her stay with us. The criteria being "SHORT TERM", the tough part for us is sticking to that and not let the "Short" part get stretched out too far.

The complication is that we live in a very rural setting, like 30 mins from the nearest gas station and 1 hour from the nearest grocery store. So without a car she has no real option for getting to meetings. She is saying that the experience of being stranded in another state with no place to go and sleeping in cars or on the bus terminal bench was a "rock bottom" for her and she WANTS to go to meetings and she is SAYING all the right stuff, but she has many times before and then turned around and pulled some really stupid stuff.

So mom is spending most week nights now getting her to her new Outpatient program and then meetings in between.

I did talk to her last night and honestly expressed my concerns about feeling resentment to having our "routine" broken and I told her I want to be sure that we still go ahead with our plans regardless of if mom feels sd will "feel left out" or whatever, so far she is receptive and understanding so we will see how this goes.

Florence

It's my experience that as long as addicts have enablers (especially within the immediate family) that they don't have much reason to be independent. My STBXAH was my qualifier, and his safety net is his parents. We had fundamentally different goals: When I realized what was happening with my AH, I told him we would progress into recovery together or I would leave him. I meant it, and so I did. His parents told me that they hoped he would get better, but they were willing to maintain the status quo of his addiction if it meant him never living on the streets or worse. And so it is! I left, he maintains his addiction at his parents' house. They turn a blind eye, and they hope and hope and hope.

Having boundaries and communicating about the boundaries is so important. I also think that setting up family structures where there is space for the prodigal sons to feel like human beings and not black sheep is really important too. So finding ways to reconnect and have love between you as parent and child -- not addict and enabler -- will be an important challenge.