Ferra

Hi all,

my boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic, he quit drinking 7 years ago.
When we go out, we usually go to places that are alcohol-free (such as tea houses), or places that don't center around alcohol. I never drink when I'm with him. I go to pubs to drink when I'm with my other friends.

However, I'd love to show my boyfriend the places that I go to with my non-alcoholic friends, I'm just not sure this would be a fun evening for him. I don't want him to feel any kind of discomfort when we're in a pub and everyone is drinking around us, and the whole place is about alcohol-induced relaxation. I fear this may have a reverse effect on him in that he would feel less relaxed, or even annoyed in some way. Also, I'd love to dance with him when we're there, but typically people need to drink at these places before they dance so I don't know how this would turn out.

We met when he was already sober so I never saw him drink, and I only know about his struggles of quitting form what he told me. I don't have the same knowledge about alcoholism as someone who has experienced their partner's addiction first-hand.
I'd appreciate any advice on whether taking him to a pub crawl and just drinking orange juice or whatever is a good idea at all.

readerbaby71

Ask him how he'd feel about it. Some people are completely comfortable being around alcohol, but some aren't.

ladyscribbler

Have you asked him what he would like to do?

Hammer

'cause being drunk makes everybody a good dancer.

----------------

For real. Mrs. Hammer was 4 years AA when we met and we would sometimes visit bars, etc. for a group of friends, etc.

Not usually anything like a Pub Crawl, though.

Sometimes she would get an Odulls or Sharps (non-alcohol beer).

But then again a few years later, she relapsed. So your mileage may vary.

But really, I would talk with him -- without being worried or controlling. Just ask as a Non-Alcoholic wanting to do what is right and best for the both of you.

Ferra

No -- the "problem" with this is that he loves me a lot and he'd come with me anywhere, so his answer is not an indication of where he wants to go, rather that he wants to go with me. This makes me responsible, in a way, to pick a place where presumably he'd feel fine.

Florence

He is responsible for him. You are responsible for you. His sobriety has nothing to do with you. You should ask, and let this communication guide you.

Some excellent reading for new folks: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)

Ferra

It sure feels that way.

Asking him as a non-alcoholic (rather than asking him as his gf) sounds like a good idea. That way we'd be discussing recovery from alcoholism and not just talking about a night out. It's a different setting that could bring up interesting answers other than just a 'yes'...

ladyscribbler

I second what Florence said. You're not responsible for the happiness of others.

Ferra

I'm not sure about that in a relationship, but this is probably beyond the scope of my humble question

FireSprite

No, Florence is correct. Love & responsibility are not the same thing. If he chooses to place himself in danger of relapse as a trade off for spending time with you, that is HIS decision.


This is very clearly a sign of codependency on both of your parts. I really suggest reading up on alcoholism & codependency, seriously. If he has been sober for SEVEN years, he should be able to articulate his triggers and sensitivities regarding being around pubs & other drinkers pretty clearly by now.

Ferra

There's no question of relapse here. I'm concerned whether this would be a fine night out.
To put it more generally: do recovering alcoholics feel relaxed in a pub, are they having fun there -- obviously without drinking --, or is it more of a strain on them to be there?

Thank you, I'll make sure I do.

cynical one

That he hasn't suggested an evening with friends at the pub/club on his own should be an indicator of how he feels about going to one.

FireSprite

You'll have to ask him how he feels - every recovering A feels differently about this at different points in their recovery. None of us here (including other recovering A's) can tell you how HE feels.

doggonecarl

As a recovering alcoholic, relapse threat aside, I would not enjoy a pub crawl. That is serious drinking with a lot of drunk people, who I do not find entertaining anymore now that I'm in recovery.

It's one thing to want to show your bf some of the places that that you like to go to and which are alcohol-centric. And then there is a pub crawl. Different spectrum.

CarryOn

Why do you want to show your RABF the places you go with your friends? Do you feel like you are missing something in your relationship that would be met by having him go to these places with you or going out dancing?

What do you know of your RABF's recovery? Did he quit on his own or have a program such as AA?

I agree with the others to ask your RABF what he would like to do. Only he will know how he feels about being around other people that are drinking. You are not responsible for him - his actions/choices/thinking/feelings/etc. Yes, you are in a relationship but you are two individual people who are not responsible for the other.

I find it interesting that you have found this board to ask this question...most people come here in the midst of a crisis with their A. Simply an observation.

You are me...12 years ago. Seriously. My RAH was several years sober when we met. Stayed sober for several more years. Relapsed. Hard. If I could do it all over again...I would have gotten myself some serious education about alcoholism & the effect it has on those around the A as well as Codependency long before the relapse became an issue. I'd like to think I would have gone to AlAnon, too.

Welcome to SR...stick around...read some threads.

Hammer

Yeah, I know, I know.

We would ALL like Do-Overs, huh?

Mine is I would have swapped out the Real Vanilla in the kitchen for Imitation Vanilla. If only. But I suppose if was an Orange instead of an Apple, Adam and Eve would have had it for lunch, anyway?

But your part about going to Alanon PRIOR to the relapse. I did. IT MADE NO SENSE. Just did not have or understand the perspective. It was even a New-Comer's meeting. A goofy guy like me, sitting there telling me the three C's. I was like . . . . ummm, yeah, ok, wtf?

BUT After the Relapse. It ALL Made Total Sense.

Just saying I do not think the learning can precede the cause by a whole lot.

Go easy on everyone, but especially yourself.

Ferra

Yes, this.

There is so much I don't know about alcoholism, but... I feel that sobriety inevitably suppresses a part of his personality. A wilder part maybe? Or a more spontaneous part, or something like that. Probably that's what I miss, and not dancing in itself.

On a darker note: I sometimes look at drunks on the street and find myself trying to picture what HE was like when he was there. And I miss not having known him back then.

He tried everything, AA, doctors, hospital. Quit, relapsed, quit, relapsed. In the end he did it on his own.

Thanks for your questions, gave me something to think about.
I'm very sorry about your husband.

CarryOn

Thanks, Hammer. I was trying to be nice about it. Now my counselor is running around my head going "NO trying"!

You know the threads we have where everyone says "RUN!"...this one makes me say "proceed with caution - learn what you are dealing with!"

Hindsight is 20/20, right? I said I'd like to think I would have gone to AlAnon...doubt I would have ever gone that far. Glad to hear your E on that one.

I'm reading red flags in terms of the codependency more than the alcoholism.

I actually would have considered myself very independent when single and for a long time while married. Eventually, I found myself always putting his needs/wants/comfort in front of my own and never wanting to put him in an uncomfortable situation. RAH's relapse is his problem, not mine, but our relationship and I were definitely effected by his stinkin' thinkin'.

So, how that relates to OP? Ferra, you are having anxiety over whether or not your RABF would be comfortable in an atmosphere where alcohol consumption is a primary activity. Only he will know, but only he should be the one dealing with anxiety over it. As for my other questions...I really am trying to understand your motivations as well as where RABF is at. If you really want to be with someone that can enjoy hanging out in bars and going to pub crawls...you probably don't want to date an RA or you should understand what alcoholism is.

Just my two cents...take what you want and leave the rest.

Hammer

omigod. NO YOU DON"T. NO.

Add on edit -- Go do some Open AA New-Comer meetings. You will learn all you need to know, and WHY you never want him to need that again.

CarryOn

Ferra...I appreciate your honesty and lack of excuses...that will get you far in all you do.

I, too, often thought I would have loved to have a few drinks with RAH...just to see that side of him. Yeah, he can be fun when he drinks, but he is also incredibly irresponsible, depressed, and irritable. The fun part is not worth the trade off. RAH originally quit on his own, too, but eventually the stinkin' thinkin' I referenced got a better hold on him and he ended up at relapse.

The things you are lacking...spontaneity, wildness, etc...any chance you can find that together in ways that don't involve the setting of a bar or club? Like something outdoors - sporty, adventure? If not, you really may need to look at whether or not he is a good match for you.

Many alcoholics are what people refer to as "high functioning", they have families, jobs, may be active in the community. They are not truly functioning, but they appear to be...eventually the disease progresses to the point they are unable to keep up the appearance. Many people would never guess that RAH is an alcoholic - we both have great jobs, a beautiful home, good friends, etc. You would never know it to look at us.

You're welcome...I do hope you think about it, and I do hope that you take some time here to learn some more. Thank you for the kind thoughts on RAH...it's a rough road, but I hope we are both stronger, individually and together, in the end...we're still working at it.