My marriage needs alcohol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Germany
Posts: 22
My marriage needs alcohol
My #1 trigger was that I drank so I could have uninhibited sex with my husband. Even if I didn't want to drink I would start on Friday night so that I could give him weekly sex. Then I would think "nope, not drunk enough to want to have sex" and would just keep drinking til I didn't even remember the sex the next day. I know we probably need to go see a sex therapist or marriage counselor or something but I'm worried my marriage will suffer now that I don't drink. My husband and I are sexually incompatible and used alcohol to remedy that. The rest of our marriage is great though. The day I quit drinking I pretty much told him we have a problem and that we really need to look at our future together. We have two kids together.
I've never told anyone this. Not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe someone has a similar problem???
I've never told anyone this. Not sure what I'm looking for. Maybe someone has a similar problem???
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Welcome to SR 
I'm not sure if thats the only time you drink or not, but I think there's probably a better way to deal with the base problem rather than just attacking the symptoms, Danica?
Have you thought of counselling? either couples counselling or singularly?
D
I'm not sure if thats the only time you drink or not, but I think there's probably a better way to deal with the base problem rather than just attacking the symptoms, Danica?
Have you thought of counselling? either couples counselling or singularly?
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hiya Danica :-)
It's interesting that you say your marriage will suffer now that you don't drink , when in reality it was suffering whilst you were drinking re the fact you needed to drink to be uninhibited.
You have 2 kids together , you obviously love each other , you just need a little help to feel normal again ,post alcohol.
Put it this way . If you are worried your husband wont love you anymore cos you aren't putting out like you did drunk , well then he's not much of a husband is he ?
I'm sure he will love the new you , when you can actually demonstrate your love sober .
Perhaps counselling could help , if that's up your Alley .
You sound like a very honest person , he's lucky to have you ;-)
Good luck xx
It's interesting that you say your marriage will suffer now that you don't drink , when in reality it was suffering whilst you were drinking re the fact you needed to drink to be uninhibited.
You have 2 kids together , you obviously love each other , you just need a little help to feel normal again ,post alcohol.
Put it this way . If you are worried your husband wont love you anymore cos you aren't putting out like you did drunk , well then he's not much of a husband is he ?
I'm sure he will love the new you , when you can actually demonstrate your love sober .
Perhaps counselling could help , if that's up your Alley .
You sound like a very honest person , he's lucky to have you ;-)
Good luck xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 668
Originally Posted by SnoozyQ 
Hiya Danica :-) If you are worried your husband wont love you anymore cos you aren't putting out like you did drunk , well then he's not much of a husband is he ? xx
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Danica,
It's wonderful that you stopped drinking, but I can understand your concerns. When we get sober it does affect relationships and we can't always tell how it's going to shake out. Given a little time on both sides things become clearer and they are often better than expected, but not knowing is always scary.
If it's feasible for you to find a therapist, it might be helpful to talk this situation out, perhaps alone first, to help you sort through things and gain a little clarity yourself. Depending on your relationship with your husband, it might help to let him know that you understand sobriety had different effects on people's sex lives, and you want to keep things alive in your marriage and think therapy might help. So he knows you are caring and committed.
I know I wanted to know how all my life issues and relationships would shake out in early recovery. But it took some time to even start to feel like I had a clue who I was. I learned to do the next right thing, and trust the process...and it's not always easy. I'm glad you came here and brought this up, I think it's less scary when we can talk to others and not just sit with our fears spinning in our own head.
hugs.
It's wonderful that you stopped drinking, but I can understand your concerns. When we get sober it does affect relationships and we can't always tell how it's going to shake out. Given a little time on both sides things become clearer and they are often better than expected, but not knowing is always scary.
If it's feasible for you to find a therapist, it might be helpful to talk this situation out, perhaps alone first, to help you sort through things and gain a little clarity yourself. Depending on your relationship with your husband, it might help to let him know that you understand sobriety had different effects on people's sex lives, and you want to keep things alive in your marriage and think therapy might help. So he knows you are caring and committed.
I know I wanted to know how all my life issues and relationships would shake out in early recovery. But it took some time to even start to feel like I had a clue who I was. I learned to do the next right thing, and trust the process...and it's not always easy. I'm glad you came here and brought this up, I think it's less scary when we can talk to others and not just sit with our fears spinning in our own head.
hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Oldselfagain ,
I'm saying this from a woman's perspective and reading between the lines .
My post wasn't to make false assumptions at all .
It was meant to be uplifting to the OP and supportive .
Read it again .
I'm saying this from a woman's perspective and reading between the lines .
My post wasn't to make false assumptions at all .
It was meant to be uplifting to the OP and supportive .
Read it again .
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
I 100% know where you are coming from. For me one (of the many reasons) I drank was so that I could feel that space where my mind was free and I allowed by body to feel waht it was going to feel and enjoy it.
I will be the first to tell you that sober sex is very different then drunk sex. The good news is that it does get better! It took me a good six months sober to get the haze out of my eyes, to not feel bitter about being sober, and to understand what my husbands needs and wants are.
It isn't easy but in the end it is very well worth it.
I promise it does get better. Give yourself the time you need to clear you head and your heart. Find out what you like and to give yourself to your marriage both body and soul.
Good luck!
I will be the first to tell you that sober sex is very different then drunk sex. The good news is that it does get better! It took me a good six months sober to get the haze out of my eyes, to not feel bitter about being sober, and to understand what my husbands needs and wants are.
It isn't easy but in the end it is very well worth it.
I promise it does get better. Give yourself the time you need to clear you head and your heart. Find out what you like and to give yourself to your marriage both body and soul.
Good luck!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I'm not a marriage counselor, but I can't imagine myself in a marriage in which my wife had to get blackout drunk to have sex and then this is also true:
Something isn't adding up. I hope you can figure it out.
Best of Luck!
Originally Posted by DanicaB
The rest of our marriage is great though.
Best of Luck!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
In saying alcohol is needed to have sex and without sex a healthy marriage can then not be maintained.
I'd come to the natural conclusion that a healthy marriage is already being damaged by the reliance on alcohol.
The fear of what would happen with alcohol out of the picture, is more of a symptom of the addiciton, and the real root cause that needs to be dealt with, rather than abstienance being the problem!!
I'm sure with the right support and advice though you can get through this!!
I'd come to the natural conclusion that a healthy marriage is already being damaged by the reliance on alcohol.
The fear of what would happen with alcohol out of the picture, is more of a symptom of the addiciton, and the real root cause that needs to be dealt with, rather than abstienance being the problem!!
I'm sure with the right support and advice though you can get through this!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 668
Originally Posted by SnoozyQ
Oldselfagain , I'm saying this from a woman's perspective and reading between the lines . My post wasn't to make false assumptions at all . It was meant to be uplifting to the OP and supportive . Read it again .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: US
Posts: 556
Danica,
This is a hurdle a lot of marriages need to get over. Many, many, many of us throw our lot in with partners we love but we bring our own unresolved issues and push them down for as long as we can stand it. Alcoholics drink them away and I think it prolongs and complicates the problems because they don't get the direct acknowledgement and attention they deserve.
If it's possible, see a therapist. I would see someone on your own first, who specializes in addiction. What you are going through is very common. Removing alcohol brings a lot of things it was masking to the surface and support to work through them is never a bad thing.
It will take time and work, but it CAN get better.
This is a hurdle a lot of marriages need to get over. Many, many, many of us throw our lot in with partners we love but we bring our own unresolved issues and push them down for as long as we can stand it. Alcoholics drink them away and I think it prolongs and complicates the problems because they don't get the direct acknowledgement and attention they deserve.
If it's possible, see a therapist. I would see someone on your own first, who specializes in addiction. What you are going through is very common. Removing alcohol brings a lot of things it was masking to the surface and support to work through them is never a bad thing.
It will take time and work, but it CAN get better.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: California
Posts: 195
I've had this problem with my bf. It took time from me to go from sober (in the past) to comfortable opening up and being sexual with him. My method was to just do it anyways. The sex brought us closer together emotionally so that I was able to feel safe around him again. Then, I was able to enjoy it like a regular person. I don't know if that's good advice for your situation but it works for me.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by Oldselfagain
I think perhaps you're jumping to conclusions. I didn't see anywhere in Danica's post that she was worried about her husband not loving her anymore for, as you so eloquently put it, "aren't putting out like you did drunk". Let's not jump to conclusions or make false assumptions.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: england
Posts: 3
i can empathise
i am going through the same situation. i am not married but have been with m y boyfriend for over a year and lately feel he has no interest in me. i drink to try and be more exciting and motivated as when im sober i usually hide in my room and do nothing.
Fridays we will always drink and our relationship is great, we laugh, have great sex and cuddle all night.
This has made me crave a normal relationship but to be honest if you havto drink to have these feelings, its a dead end! i hate to admit this but i do need a drink these days to relax and not worry about my failing relationship.
i prey we both have the strenght to feel loved without being intoxicated
Fridays we will always drink and our relationship is great, we laugh, have great sex and cuddle all night.
This has made me crave a normal relationship but to be honest if you havto drink to have these feelings, its a dead end! i hate to admit this but i do need a drink these days to relax and not worry about my failing relationship.
i prey we both have the strenght to feel loved without being intoxicated
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Let me see if I can share and not write a book
about it. I now think it's a book...
I had no idea I was an alcoholic when I walked
down the isle in 1982. I married with a horrible
hangover, yet I made thru it. However, there was
no way I would enjoy champaign on our honeymoon.
I married and wanted kids right away, even tho
my husband was in college and money would be
an issue. I didn't care. Selfishly I wanted something
to fill in some sort of void. Something I was lacking.
Love, care, understanding.
My husband and I had 2 wonderful, smart, talented,
loving kids who are now grown, college degreed, carreers,
married and living their own lives.
For my husband and I, our married ended
civilly at 25 yrs. Today both of us have remarried.
When we hit our 7th or 8th yr marriage, I was
already and at home mom, raising 2 little one
while my husband went to school and worked
full time. I hid my drinking very well and no
one ever suspected I had a problem with it.
Neither did I even when I wanted to go out
with the girls night out to clubs. For me, what
I seemed to be lacking at home, recognition for
my role as a full time mom, communication,
understanding....I wanted to be noticed, attention,
and even tho I was in their way, it wasn't enough.
Seems as tho I was never satisfied. Never, never never.
So I looked for attention, love, care in all the
wrong places with who knows who. Sure I played
my card well and was cautious, carefull, picky, I
enjoyed the night life, the excitement, the mystery,
playing the women of the night.
However, it came with a cost. Consequences.
I lied. I was dishonest. I committed adultery and
the more I drank to numb my feelings, the more
I felt horrible. Ashammed. Full of guilt. Remorse.
Feb. 1990, I hit a culvert sitting on top the ground
coming home at 2 in the morning from a club. EMS
was called and I was rushed to the hospital and don't
even remember the ride there. I spent 10 days with
my spleen removed and numerous broken ribs and
contusions.
Did that stop me from drinking. Well from Feb to Aug.
I healed very well with pills and no alcohol. However,
August 1990, when I was better, I ventured out again
to return home safely but to another argument and then
a dare to end my selfish, failure of a wife.
The attempt failed thank God, because He wasn't
thru with me yet. Family intervention took place
and I spent 28 days in rehab to learn about my
addiction to Alcohol and receive tools and knowledge
to carry me thru life living without alcohol.
I carried a lot of resentments from my childhood
into my marriage which I used alcohol to numb.
Verbal, physical, emotional abuse at the hands
of a beautiful, functioning, sick mother who
used alcohol and many meds mixed which turned
her into a Dr. Jeckly/Mr. hyde personality.
My parents had 4 kids and I was the one singled
out. Anyway.....My dad always consoled me and
always told me to forgive her for she was sick and
didn't really know what she was doing to me.
In my adult life, Im pretty sure I was looking
for men who were like my dad, kind, understanding,
hard working, pillar of the community. And even
tho my husband was smart and kind, maybe I
wanted him all to myself and it just didn't happen.
It wasn't that he wasn't good in the sex dept. because
that was as should be. He was a good dad, son, all
the fine qualities a man could have and yet he didn't
give me what I so desperately needed.
When I entered recovery in 1990, over the years
I began to change and grow in a different way. I
now had recovery tools to incorporate in my
everyday life and recovery became extremely
important to me. The family supported me in the
way they wanted me to do whatever I needed to
do to stay sober while they all continued on their
happy way in life. They did, never skipping a beat.
Me, I was still very miserable and yet I prayed
and cried and felt lonely especially when we relocated
to Houston when I was 7 yrs sober. I connected
here online and held on tight with my recovery
and the kids grew up and moved out. Here I thought
my husband and I would grow stronger, and it
never happened. 25 yrs married and I wanted to
be home here in Baton Rouge. He didn't.
My prayers were answered and I returned home
about 7 yrs ago. Within that time, we divorced
peacefully and God placed a man in my life, I
met at a meeting and we eventually got married.
This happened because I believe God didn't
want me to go from man to man trying to find
love that way and He blessed me with this
wonderful man, who lost his wife of 35yrs.
to illness.
I had to be patient. Work my recovery program
accordingly, and leave the rest to the Man upstairs.
It all has worked out in my life thus so far the
way it is suppose to be. And I have no regrets.
I cant say what if this would have happened or
not in my marriage, but I learned that in order
for a marriage to work when one person in it
is sick with addiction, which affects the intire
family unit, that the entire family should seek
recovery with programs available to each, in order
for them to become healthy and happy.
My marriage failed because it lacked understanding,
communication and honesty. February 14th, Valentines
Day will mark my new husband and I's 5th wedding
anniversary built on trust, understanding, communication
and total honesty.
And that's how it has worked for me.
about it.
I now think it's a book... I had no idea I was an alcoholic when I walked
down the isle in 1982. I married with a horrible
hangover, yet I made thru it. However, there was
no way I would enjoy champaign on our honeymoon.
I married and wanted kids right away, even tho
my husband was in college and money would be
an issue. I didn't care. Selfishly I wanted something
to fill in some sort of void. Something I was lacking.
Love, care, understanding.
My husband and I had 2 wonderful, smart, talented,
loving kids who are now grown, college degreed, carreers,
married and living their own lives.
For my husband and I, our married ended
civilly at 25 yrs. Today both of us have remarried.
When we hit our 7th or 8th yr marriage, I was
already and at home mom, raising 2 little one
while my husband went to school and worked
full time. I hid my drinking very well and no
one ever suspected I had a problem with it.
Neither did I even when I wanted to go out
with the girls night out to clubs. For me, what
I seemed to be lacking at home, recognition for
my role as a full time mom, communication,
understanding....I wanted to be noticed, attention,
and even tho I was in their way, it wasn't enough.
Seems as tho I was never satisfied. Never, never never.
So I looked for attention, love, care in all the
wrong places with who knows who. Sure I played
my card well and was cautious, carefull, picky, I
enjoyed the night life, the excitement, the mystery,
playing the women of the night.
However, it came with a cost. Consequences.
I lied. I was dishonest. I committed adultery and
the more I drank to numb my feelings, the more
I felt horrible. Ashammed. Full of guilt. Remorse.
Feb. 1990, I hit a culvert sitting on top the ground
coming home at 2 in the morning from a club. EMS
was called and I was rushed to the hospital and don't
even remember the ride there. I spent 10 days with
my spleen removed and numerous broken ribs and
contusions.
Did that stop me from drinking. Well from Feb to Aug.
I healed very well with pills and no alcohol. However,
August 1990, when I was better, I ventured out again
to return home safely but to another argument and then
a dare to end my selfish, failure of a wife.
The attempt failed thank God, because He wasn't
thru with me yet. Family intervention took place
and I spent 28 days in rehab to learn about my
addiction to Alcohol and receive tools and knowledge
to carry me thru life living without alcohol.
I carried a lot of resentments from my childhood
into my marriage which I used alcohol to numb.
Verbal, physical, emotional abuse at the hands
of a beautiful, functioning, sick mother who
used alcohol and many meds mixed which turned
her into a Dr. Jeckly/Mr. hyde personality.
My parents had 4 kids and I was the one singled
out. Anyway.....My dad always consoled me and
always told me to forgive her for she was sick and
didn't really know what she was doing to me.
In my adult life, Im pretty sure I was looking
for men who were like my dad, kind, understanding,
hard working, pillar of the community. And even
tho my husband was smart and kind, maybe I
wanted him all to myself and it just didn't happen.
It wasn't that he wasn't good in the sex dept. because
that was as should be. He was a good dad, son, all
the fine qualities a man could have and yet he didn't
give me what I so desperately needed.
When I entered recovery in 1990, over the years
I began to change and grow in a different way. I
now had recovery tools to incorporate in my
everyday life and recovery became extremely
important to me. The family supported me in the
way they wanted me to do whatever I needed to
do to stay sober while they all continued on their
happy way in life. They did, never skipping a beat.
Me, I was still very miserable and yet I prayed
and cried and felt lonely especially when we relocated
to Houston when I was 7 yrs sober. I connected
here online and held on tight with my recovery
and the kids grew up and moved out. Here I thought
my husband and I would grow stronger, and it
never happened. 25 yrs married and I wanted to
be home here in Baton Rouge. He didn't.
My prayers were answered and I returned home
about 7 yrs ago. Within that time, we divorced
peacefully and God placed a man in my life, I
met at a meeting and we eventually got married.
This happened because I believe God didn't
want me to go from man to man trying to find
love that way and He blessed me with this
wonderful man, who lost his wife of 35yrs.
to illness.
I had to be patient. Work my recovery program
accordingly, and leave the rest to the Man upstairs.
It all has worked out in my life thus so far the
way it is suppose to be. And I have no regrets.
I cant say what if this would have happened or
not in my marriage, but I learned that in order
for a marriage to work when one person in it
is sick with addiction, which affects the intire
family unit, that the entire family should seek
recovery with programs available to each, in order
for them to become healthy and happy.
My marriage failed because it lacked understanding,
communication and honesty. February 14th, Valentines
Day will mark my new husband and I's 5th wedding
anniversary built on trust, understanding, communication
and total honesty.
And that's how it has worked for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
sex.... like so many other things in our lived.... must be re-learned in recovery.
Our brains become rewired and our bodies respond differently and we wake up to new forms and levels of arousal, just as we attune to things that we realize "we" never really liked but instead found sexual becuase of our haze of drugs or alcohol....
there are some good books out there on this topic....
Our brains become rewired and our bodies respond differently and we wake up to new forms and levels of arousal, just as we attune to things that we realize "we" never really liked but instead found sexual becuase of our haze of drugs or alcohol....
there are some good books out there on this topic....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Danica,
Sex is not something I've had problems with personally, but spoke with many others that did and read lots of stories... I would agree with those that suggested seeking out help from a therapist who could help you unwrap the underlying problems. I think in most similar cases it's deeper than the drug or alcohol abuse problem of one partner or both, or even simple interpersonal incompatibility (although the latter can be important factor!). Often these problems tend to be related to old insecurities that may even get repressed with time so it's not that easy to dissect them alone or even with the best intimate partner or friend. This is where counseling can be helpful with an independent observer.
Sex is not something I've had problems with personally, but spoke with many others that did and read lots of stories... I would agree with those that suggested seeking out help from a therapist who could help you unwrap the underlying problems. I think in most similar cases it's deeper than the drug or alcohol abuse problem of one partner or both, or even simple interpersonal incompatibility (although the latter can be important factor!). Often these problems tend to be related to old insecurities that may even get repressed with time so it's not that easy to dissect them alone or even with the best intimate partner or friend. This is where counseling can be helpful with an independent observer.
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