anchorbird

and got burned! I feel so stupid, scared, terrified and desperate!!!

I told myself I could go back to controlled drinking after I picked up last week and was able to put it down. I drank 2 days straight this weekend, didn't black out, but went straight back to lying, hiding my drinks, panicking.

I CAN NOT go back to that dark place. I CAN NOT stand the idea of having to detox again, putting myself and my family through that again. I don't want to die! I had accumulated so much sober time, why did I just push it aside and say "F-it"?

I now have some work to do. I need a plan, one that I can stick to. I need to do this for me.

Thank you for letting me get this out and thank you for all of your support.

KateL

It happned to me many times, but you have to keep at it, to get it right. What is your plan, any ideas? xxx

ImperfectlyMe

Morning anchorbird. I think what your plan is lacking is, dealing with the factors that are causing you to drink. The emotional stuff the emptiness, the hurt. You(anyone) can only stay sober so long if we aren't looking at the issues that are causing us to want to retreat inside. I know you and I share some of the same aches. I think it's time to tackle them head on and be true to yourself and your needs. If something isn't working the only solution is to fix it. Time to love yourself the way you want others to love you. HUGS

SnoozyQ

Sorry to hear that anchorbird . You are right , you definitely don't want to go back to that horrendous place you once were .

Its dark , scary , bleak and miserable there .

I agree you need a plan hun .

Good luck , you CAN do this xx

Dee74

I think you do need a plan for sure Anchorbird.
any ideas yet on what you need to do?

D

anchorbird

I have a quiet day at work ahead of me so I am going to spend some time reflecting and praying.

FreeOwl

boy don't I know that routine....

consider yourself blessed that you're seeing it.... are you ready to make the decision to do what it takes to keep this from spiraling further - maybe beyond a point of no return?

I hope so.

We're here for ya!

Try an aa meeting.... TODAY.

jdooner

As you reflect, go back and read your own posts so you can see the subtle changes. You will see the patterns and then form a plan so you can deal with these better next time. Good luck.

Mountainmanbob

thrown away my sober time a few times
sure did get sick and tired of myself for doing that
helped to finally make me realize
what I truly had when I was sober

bout all we can do is -- sober back up again
and not forget our past relapse

Mountainman

anchorbird

Thanks everyone for the support!

I went to an AA meeting yesterday, felt wonderful after. I really wish I could go today, but I have to work.

I know I just have to pick myself up keep going.

SnoozyQ

Good luck sweetheart xx

ClearMind

Well, think of it as a learning experience. It's just one more piece of evidence that drinking in moderation is impossible for you (just like it is for me and most other people on these forums). Your sober time definitely isn't wasted - just pick up right where you left off and keep going.

Oldselfagain

Anchorbird I think many of us here have made the same mistake....we think we can moderate....and we can for a very brief period, but only for a brief period and it's only a matter of time before the big binge comes crashing down on us. I tried a couple of times and learned the hard way that moderation is impossible for me. Sure I can moderate for maybe 2 or 3 nights out, but that only gave me a false sense of security and I then fell hard off the wagon. I've used this as a learning experience and am now better for it. Sounds like you're back where you need to be on the wagon with the rest of our gang. Stay strong

Mags1

Hi anchorbird, don't be too disheartened.
Remember baby steps, we can't run yet so put them running shoes down step into soft bootees and walk gently, my friend x we are all behind you. Yell and scream your frustrations to us. We've got big ears lol x

Nonsensical

You could clothe a small country with the Been There, Done That t-shirts I have.

That was your addiction talking. Read my signature.

soberclover

Controlled drinking/moderation/whatever you want to call it, doesn't work for alcoholics. It has been key in my sobriety to really really really accept the fact that I cannot drink...no matter what. I'm glad you went to a meeting.

least

I hope that this time will be your successful attempt.

Scott76

Everytime you let this happen to yourself it gets harder to quit before shi* gets real with your health. Then when you MUST quit because your body is at deaths door, its too late anyway. Get angry with yourself and make it stick this time.

ScottFromWI

I would imagine there are AA meetings you could go to before work, over your lunch hour or immediately after work. What's most important when we really get serious about getting sober is dedication to the plan/method we use. If AA is your plan going forward, you MAKE time to get to meetings and do step work. Yes, we all have busy lives with jobs/kids/pets/etc, but we all spent an inordinate amount of time drinking - so there IS time that can be spent on recovery in it's place.

Sobriety doesn't just happen - you have to want it to happen and you have to take action to make it happen. Hitting the meeting was a great step forward, hope you find time to make another.

Ruby2

Ditto on this. I went to a Big Book meeting last night and read, AGAIN, the passage on page 60 something (don't have a BB with me) that says that alcohol is only a symptom of what is wrong with us. This finally sank in and has been helpful in keeping me from drinking.

I drank for many reasons but they all ended up looking remarkably like the same reason, over and over again. Anything to fill the void and numb the pain of daily existence. Take the alcohol out of the equation and I still do the same stupid stuff I did while drinking. I have the same temper tantrums while sober that I had while drunk. I can't blame alcohol for my problems anymore. For me it is more AA, more reaching out, and stopping my game of telephone tag with my doctor to get a referral for counseling.

Good luck. Hang in there.