ChelleB

I am new here but not to being the wife of an alcoholic unfortunately. It seems different this time than the last time he decided to go sober. I am still working on putting my finger on why exactly though I have some ideas.

My husband has been an alcoholic for over 10 years. He stopped drinking about 4 years ago. He stayed sober for about 2 year but has been back drinking for over 2 years now. We recently hit a point about a month ago at which I could no longer tolerate it. He had started drinking at work on his lunch break. Then he picked our daughter up from a friend's house on his way home from work. I did not know that he had been drinking that afternoon until he got home with her. Of course, he couldn't say I can't pick our daughter up for you because I have been drinking because he was not supposed to be drinking much less drinking and driving. I was furious! He was drinking at work and risking losing his job. He was drinking and driving and risking his freedom and his job, which he would lose if he got arrested for DUI. But now...now he drove a vehicle with our daughter inside while he was intoxicated. He has been back on the road to recovery for 2 weeks. Last week he drank Monday afternoon and Wednesday afternoon. He started back seeing a counselor for help with his alcoholism last Thursday. I thought that might have been why he drank Monday and Wednesday - to get those last two drunks in before he really started. I must have been wrong. Today we were taking our daughter to the circus. We arranged to meet there since he would be just getting back to town from work when it was time for it to start. I really thought that having this plan of something that we were all going to do together this afternoon would motivate him not to drink. I was wrong. I could tell the minute he drove up and got out of the car that he'd been drinking. I learned long ago to not say a word about it at all when he is intoxicated. It has not been pretty the few times I couldn't control myself and said something. So tomorrow, when he is sober, I have to let him know that I know that he had been drinking. I guess he really thinks I am an idiot and don't know. What do I say? What is my roll? I have to have a roll, right? Shouldn't I help him with accountability? What am I to do to help him on his path to recovery? I love him so much. I will NOT leave him. I feel like there has to be a consequence. But what can that be? Someone else might say if you drink again, you have to leave or if you drink again, I am leaving you. I am not though. What is my leverage?

AllThings

I'm WAY too new to give any advice or insight, but I will say the two Al-Anon meetings I've been to have been way better than I thought, have you ever been to one?

ChelleB

I haven't. Did you go in person? I see that there are virtual (online) Alanon meetings. I am going to attend one of them to see how they are at least.

Mags1

Hi Chelle, welcome to SR, sorry to hear about your husband, hopefully he may agree to treatment of some sort. Stopping for two years was good, but it seems, as you know, he has got out of control drinking at work, driving your daughter drunk.
My dad used to pick me up from school drunk, I hated it, I knew, I was around 11 and asked my mum for a bike so he wouldn't have to pick me up.

Keep safe for you and your daughter, lots of good info here on SR, big hugs for you xx

Pelican

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brings you here. I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed.

At the top of this main page, is a section of permanent posts (called the sticky posts). Some of our stories are in those sticky posts. I am always finding strength and wisdom there.

The link I posted is to one of my favorite sticky posts

fluffyflea

Go to Alanon meetings for you.

AllThings

Yes, I did. Personally, I like seeing real people and getting a phone number I can call when I'm sad. No matter how much destruction they have caused, I am learning that sad is perfectly normal. Sad doesn't have to be the same as push-over, for me. I can BE sad sometimes and still do the right thing. I need to work on boundaries and I think these groups will help me do that.

Seren

Hello ChelleB, and Welcome!!

You asked about your role in your husband's recovery. I think what you will learn is that you don't really have one. Unfortunately, if we could love someone into recovery, not a single one of us would be here.

In my experience with various members of my own family, and most recently my stepson, I have learned that I can encourage someone to make that next right decision, but I can't make them take that next step--I certainly can't do it for them.

I you will first protect your children and yourself. Protect them from riding with him in the car when he has been drinking and from any drunken behavior.

There is also a lot of wisdom in the link that was shared by Pelican. I hope that you will take a moment and read it.

Make yourself at home here. You have found a great place for support!!

ChelleB

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I think that I do want to go see a counselor about all of this and how it is affecting me. I am now trying to decide if I should see someone separate from who my husband is seeing for his alcoholism or if I should see that same person in case we decide to do group counseling. Then the person would have all of the information on us both and where we are coming from. I have decided that tonight (if he has not been drinking) I will tell him that I need to see someone about all of this because I am having a hard time dealing with it. I will ask for his input on whether it should be the same person he is seeing or someone completely separate.

I NEED to express my feelings about this situation. I think that I will do that here.

Be certain that if he EVER has our daughter in the car with him when he has ingested alcohol within the proceeding 8 hours, I will call the police on him. That is a no tolerance issue for me.

Of course, I say that and it makes it sound like I am willing to tolerate his drinking otherwise. I'm not. I am not willing to tolerate him drinking on his way home and hence driving drunk. But I am not wanting to or willing to leave, so how....how can I make that point?

I cried so much today. It's like alcohol is his mistress that he cannot give up. He keeps choosing her over and over again. Choosing alcohol even though it hurts me so badly. He thinks he can hide it thus if I don't know then I can't be hurt by it. He's wrong. I know EVERY time. I know in the first sounds I hear from him.

He KNOWS what a big deal it is to me to operate a vehicle under the influence. KNOWS! There are so many complications with that. First there is the risk he puts others' lives in and then the risk he puts his live in. But lets say that he doesn't hurt anyone or have an accident but just gets stopped by law enforcement. He is in law enforcement. If he gets stopped and goes to jail, not only will I have to explain to our 10 year old that her dad is in jail, he will lose his job and he will lose his license. That will surely make it hard to find other employment. I have expressed why drinking and driving bother me so much. I cannot imagine him dying in a car accident. I have expressed that no matter what that is NOT something that our daughter deserves. She does not deserve to have to live without her father because he couldn't stay away from alcohol. He is going to do it before he gets home because he thinks I don't know when he's been drinking and if he did it at home, I would certainly know.

Today...today I feel like I cannot take it anymore. I cried for that reason, but then I cried I have to take it some more. I mean, what choice do I have in the matter? I can't make him stop drinking. :'(

ladyscribbler

I feel like there has to be a consequence.

There might be, but it will be his consequence. Your role is not to create a crisis, nor is it to prevent a crisis when it is the natural course of events. Others have mentioned Alanon. I'd like to second that. As for your role, I believe that it is to protect your daughter and yourself. Alanon can teach you how to do that by setting boundaries that will keep the two of you safe from HIS consequences. Take care and thanks for posting.

CarryOn

Welcome, Chelle. I wholeheartedly recommend AlAnon...besides, you're already making progress on the first step.

You cannot make him stop drinking. But you can learn how to live with him whether he finds recovery or not. AlAnon can help you figure out how to do that. SR provides a great resource too, but the face to face support of AlAnon can be a real lifesaver.

Keep reading & posting.

Mango blast

Hi Chelle,

I also highly recommend Alanon! It's amazing how much this disease affects us, even in ways we're not aware of. Give in person meetings a try and go to at least 6.

As for your husband, yes this really is a disease. He needs help and making sound choices isn't what this disease is about. My husband's boss has quite of bit of experience in this with his son and other employees. Some will play the game through treatment and/or quit their jobs instead of quit drinking. When AH's boss realized where AH was with this, he knew it was far past going to AA or even outpatient treatment. He pushed for inpatient and AH agreed to it -- very, very reluctantly as he still thought he could quit on his own. Even the day before AH went in, I wasn't sure if he'd back out and quit his job instead of going. (that's the disease of alcoholism trying to keep it's host drinking) The place he went to has a great family program that's been invaluable for both of us. One of the misconceptions I had was that the user had to go in voluntarily for rehab to work. Whether or not the patient uses the tools they learn there is up to them, but at least they finally are being educated about the disease and how to recover. As they say there, miracles happen every day. The program he's at is based on AA's 12 steps and he is planning on continuing with AA.

One person I met had been dry for 25 years. He seemed befuddled about how he wound up drinking again and so low. I asked him how he got to inpatient treatment and he said his wife dragged him in. Was he mad? No. He was grateful. He wanted to deal with the issues that landed him back in that spot. That's not always the response, but he could have said absolutely not and so could have my husband.

It was after being through family week that I saw how much my viewpoint of life how skewed and what I had been living with before things 'hit bottom' for us. Life for the past several years had been AH hitting bottom and picking up the shovel and digging deeper. I thought we just hadn't hit bottom yet.

Now I don't discount picking up the phone and asking others for help. It was very hard for me to finally do, but they rallied around and gave us support and pushed for AH to get the treatment he really needed. Yes, AH could have very well turned away from the support around him. THAT was his choice. But going into treatment never would have happened if not for several other people who were involved in getting him there. My brain was still in the mode of thinking HE needed to make the phone calls for help and he needed to at least start by getting to an AA meeting. He was actually beyond that point and needed a lot more than that.

28 days of rehab and he'll be home Friday. Still a long ways to go, one step at a time for each of us. Whether or not he continues his recovery is fully up to him. Now I am also getting the help I sincerely need.

honeypig

Chelle, I would also like to welcome you to SR. Please take as much time as you can to read here, and focus on the similarities, not the differences. I think you'll see we're all in the same boat in the end. As Seren said, if it was possible for us to love our A's sober, this board simply wouldn't exist. It's not a matter of loving or not loving--it's a matter of taking care of yourself and your children and letting the A take care of himself, whether that means he finds sobriety and recovery or not.

I'd also like to echo the recommendation for Alanon, and specifically for in-person meetings. I don't know that you'll get the same thing out of an online or phone meeting as you would out of a real-life meeting, especially as a newcomer. If you can find a beginner's meeting, that can be especially helpful in learning about the Alanon program and format, and specifically how it helps people. Reading Alanon literature is very helpful, too--2 good books to start with are "Pathways to Recovery" and "How Alanon Works".

Educate yourself, get support for yourself, take care of your kids--you'll start to see more clearly as you step outside the whirlwind of alcoholism.

ChelleB

I am curious about inpatient treatment (rehab). Does a person go or get taken to rehab when they are actually intoxicated? Is it like that? Do you take a person on the fly and they sober up and get forced in sobriety while there? Or do they need to be sober when they go to rehab? Is it something that has to be arranged and preamp proved? Or is it something akin to an emergency mental health commitment?

My AH did so well the first time he quit. It's clear this time is different. He's drunk again thank tonight. Maybe he needs inpatient treatment this time. He can't resist it on his own apparently.

As for going to Alanson meetings, I would have to drive 75 minutes one way to attend a meeting in person. Good ole small town life. :-(

Mango blast

Hi Chelle,

I had a hard time getting those answers and it seems to vary from place to place. Basically, getting sober first is preferred and the patient may need to go through detox in the hospital. Some hospitals take detox patients on a limited basis, some don't take them unless you get admitted for something else and then they need to keep you for detox if you tell them you need that also (got that advice from a doctor who didn't like that game, but also understood at one of our nearby hospitals it's the only way to detox there), but at some hospitals and rehabs it's no problem coming in if you've still been drinking.

A few months ago I had talked to the rehab AH eventually went to and I had been under the impression that he needed to be sober first, but during family week I found out that isn't really the case. Ask questions and then ask more questions -- like what and how does he sober up first??? if they're telling you he needs to be sober before coming in. Technically, I think at this rehab they need to be sober, but the associated hospital is where they are first admitted if they're currently using. I never thought to ask that place more questions and couldn't get help at two of our local hospitals. I found out later that if the sheriff's office is called and the alcoholic has a very high BAC they can be admitted directly to the hospital. I never thought anything in our household was something I could have called the sheriff for, but simply AH being very drunk could have been enough since I was worried about him.

That's part of what Alanon has helped me with, seeing that I can do things to help myself such as pick up the phone, make phone calls and let others help me with this. I don't need to hide, keep secrets or try to deal with this on my own.

Let us know how the online meetings go for you. People here may have tips on getting the most out of meetings or ideas for other support. Have you gone to counseling yet? I'll probably use the same counselor as AH, but I also may go to another who was very highly recommended to me by my doctor.

marie1960

This leverage/ upper hand you are referring of, has an implication of you trying to control an uncontrollable situation. You will drive yourself insane.

Here is what I see as available options. NEVER allow him to transport your child, if you remove him from that equation, you will also remove the risk and worry.


I would not hesitate for one minute to report him driving intoxicated. This is his action, and his consequence, just as you fear for your daughter's safety and well being, the rest of us here are equally concerned for our loved one's safety.


You state, " I love him so much. I will NOT leave him. I feel like there has to be a consequence. " While your words are admirable, the fact remains you are living with an active addict. I am afraid you and your daughter will be bearing the consequence.

hope you can take some time and read around this forum, lots of true, factual information right at your finger tips. Educating myself about addiction opened my eyes to a very frightening reality. Alcoholism is progressive, left untreated, it will get worse, it is a life or death disease, and it will destroy the entire family.

With empathy, I share my words.

Hope you continue to post, we are listening and we understand where you currently are.

Peace.

AnvilheadII

you mentioned you had plans to go to the circus....but he showed up intoxicated. a boundary could be that you will NOT attend any function with him when he has been drinking...which means you either go WITHOUT him or CANCEL. another good boundary would be as suggested to not allow him to drive your child EVER. since his drinking is out of control, you cannot gauge or predict when he MIGHT be safe, and since he is drinking at work, drinking in the morning, drinking at all times day and night, he is incapable of putting the drink aside EVEN when it comes to your child's safety.

as far as letting him know you know....he knows you know already. he knows he's drinking, he's not doing a good job of "hiding" it, and he has no ability to control it. your ROLE is to protect yourself and your child from his stupid decision making. you can of course suggest he look into rehab/treatment but you cannot make him go, or bind him in duct tape and drop him at the door of the facility.

if he's still drinking, he is NOT on the road, path or deer trail to recovery. drinking is drinking. sobriety is complete abstinence at all times every day.

the only bright spot so far is that he is seeing or supposed to be seeing an addiction counselor. there is at least a seed planted that things are out of control. whether he will allow that seed to germinate and get back on track remains to be seen. probably going to be pretty rocky going.

please be careful about absolutes...like i'm NOT leaving. sadly someday that might become your best option. addiction left untreated gets worse. ALWAYS. problems may arise that seem inconceivable now. your child deserves to live in an addiction free environment. 10 year olds know and perceive a lot more than we think, wish or hope. she is being affected already. as are you.

FuzzyJudgement

I am in a similar boat and don't have enough experience under my belt to give advice but the two things I am learning to do is detach and pretend like I am a single parent so I don't rely on him for anything with regards to the kids.

lizatola

Yes, this! All of this.

Chelle, my AH was dry for 15 years before he picked up alcohol again. Within 15 months of starting drinking again, he got a DUI and our lives were turned upside down. I was grateful for all the crap that went with the DUI because it forced me to look at myself and at my marriage and at where we were as a couple. It has not been a pretty 2 years since this happened. One thing I do know: he knows you hate what he does, he probably hates it too, but he's an alcoholic and drinking (and subsequently drinking and driving) is what they do. My AH had maybe a month of remorse after the DUI and soon after he was drinking, but just hiding it better. He became indignant about the law, violated (and still violates) the law when it comes to his restrictions, etc. And, he is not a daily drinker, he is a binge drinker so things will settle down for a month or so and I'll get comfortable and then WHAM! he's back at it.

As others have said, taking care of the kids and yourself should be your priority. So much to learn on this site and by going to Al Anon, as well. I encourage you to find at least 1 meeting to start at for Al Anon. It truly has changed my life. Of course, I am a slow learner but it's still been a HUGE life lesson for me and well worth the time and effort I've put in to my own recovery.