frannie

I visit this site several times a day, and I have learned so very much. I am a codependent mother of an addicted 24 year old daughter. I keep reading as much as i can on codependency...and between here and there, I have been exposed to many ideas that make me think and examine exactly what I am about. While reading I started to wondered why it was that most codependents are life time cases...through many different people, they are always caring and giving. I realize (my light bulb moment) that i have been codependent with my daughter since she was 4 or 5 years old. She was always strong willed and very hard for me to deal with...far from the sweet little girl she appeared to be on the outside. As she grew, she would get into minor problem situations and i would always jump in to try to straighten things out, smooth things over, etc. I have even lied for her many times to keep her from getting in even more trouble. I never let her be punished for anything that she did. In our small town, with her last name, she got away with even more!! She truly lived the charmed life...never happy with anything, however. I got in the middle of arguments between her friends and her...trying to be a mediator but always thinking of what she wanted first...not a very fair or impartial mediator. The older she got the bigger trouble she got into...and I just escalated my codependency. I spent my whole life trying to makes things go the way I wanted for them to go for her. Unfortunately, she never wanted what I wanted. I tried to control who she was friends with (some people were just not acceptable) control who she dated (according to her father , she never dated anyone he approved of but I tried to be noncommital and nice to all of them). Tonight is the night she had to go to jail to serve her 40 hours for her first DUI (and her last I hope, though I would not be surprised if she forgets this lesson down the road). She said that it was strange that she was going to be spending the weekend with people we had looked down on all our lives. I told her to talk to some of those people and get to know their stories...she would see a different side of life. I see many sides of life because I am a teacher and we teach all kinds. She never had to work during high school or college...I don't know why we did that...except that in high school she was a very good athlete and athletics took up any extra time she might have had for a job. The local sportswriter had a bit of an obsession concerning her, so that her picture was always in the paper and she was written about as though she were the perfect athlete...in every sport she tried...basketball, softball, and soccer. As a result it was easy for other parents and players to hate her...so of course I had to protect her from the vicious backbiting that goes on in many competitive sports or in anything competitive. I managed to protect her most of the time...but it took a toll on me...other mothers can be so mean when they are jealous. Gradually, her life became allconsuming...it was all I ever thought or worried about. I even worried if there was nothing to worry about. My codependency was in full bloom when she began having trouble with alcohol...when she asked to go to rehab...I was shocked because I was so blind that I didn't know she even had a problem. I cried most of the first week she was gone...that was one of the most terrible times of my life...only in the last few weeks have I realized that I cannot live this way...I have decided to embrace my sickness and try to do something about it. This site has been so helpful...you cannot imagine...been there done that...is very true...some problems are only understood by people who have been there and had to deal with that problem. Now I know the great challenge I face, because I must modify a behavior pattern that I have lived with for 20 or more years...that is something that I now realize that i cannot change overnight what it took me 20 years to build and feel comfortable with...I truly understand why people say "one day at a time". it should be my montra as i try to let my beloved daughter go and have a life of her own. I just hope I don't bite my tongue completely off before I get better at this new understanding that she will do what she will do. Pray for both of us...frannie

rivercitybelle

What helped me when my kids were "grown" was to constantly remind myself that they were adults and it was THEIR life to live. It is so hard to remember that at times. BTW... tongues heal really quick!

splendra

((((((((Frannie))))))))))

I have faith in you and I know you won't bite your tongue completely off .

Dust Bunny

(((((((Frannie))))))
Thankyou so much for sharing your story with us. Our reaching out to you helps us too. You reminded me that this is going to take time, that I shouldn't be so hard on myself for not being where ~I~ think I should be, and that I ~AM~ making progress. One day at a time and one step at a time. My prayers are with you this weekend. I pray that you are able to break free of your concern for your daughter long enough to focus on what it is that ~YOU~ need. I pray that you can have faith that your Higher Power is indeed watching out for your daughter and taking care of her needs as well.
*hugs*

JT

Frannie,

Your post was powerful! Truly an "aha" moments for you.

I have been doing this awhile and let me share than I first "got" what you just "got" I moved directly to guilt. I say this so you may be aware of what might be down the road.

Another thing I would like to share is that as I looked back in my life I found that this "fixing" behavior sprouted well before I married and had my son. It was present in my relationships with siblings, my first husband, friends and on to my present husband and my son. So that 20 years you speak of might just expand to 40 or more.

I believe it is something caused by a less than functional upbringing. I was a mediator between my brother and my father for goodness sake at a very young age. I cannot believe that we are born that way.

So knowing that, I was able to slowly move past the guilt trap. I did the best I knew how to do at the time and when I knew better I did better.

Good luck in your journey,
JT

Ann

Frannie

Those "aha" moments are what recovery is all about, and slowly the lights come one and we make one discovery after another about US, and why we are like this.

Like JT, I believe my codependency began when I was 6 years old and my father was dying of cancer (I knew he was sick but nobody told me he would die). I was his little nurse, and I felt if I loved him enough and cared for him he would get better. He didn't. A year later, my mother was almost murdered by crazy man who got into our house and attacked her with an axe and it was only by the grace of God that she got both of us out of the house and safely away. We did not live a life conducive of violence and we lived in a nice neighbourhood...it was just a fluke thing that he picked our house.

I spent my life in terrible fear of bad things happening to people I love, and in fear of abandonment if harm came to them. I was a textbook case of a Codie in early development.

I mention all this because it took a lot of work on my part to revisit my past and face the pain that had been stored safely away for so many years, but once I did, many many lights went on and I was on my way to recovery.

You protected your daughter from ever facing a consequence because of love...but love like that from codies like us can do more damage than we ever knew. But we didn't know, so we have no need to feel guilt, we just did the best we could in the name of love. We can better teach our children to take responsibility for their actions, to face disappointments and to handle what life gives them. These are lessons that I myself am still learning.

You sound so very much on the right path, and you are a much faster learner than I was. Your daughter is more blessed than she knows, and hopefully over the next few days she will have a chance to think about her life and see that facing the consequences isn't the end of the world.

Hugs and prayers for both of you
Ann