Garen

Just realized last night that I would rather drink than eat food. I think I went the whole day without eating anything. This behavior of mine is just ridiculous. How did I go from a healthy weight trainer to a lazy drunk? Why do I knowingly engage in insane behavior? I must be insane. My brain must be broken.

FreeOwl

whether you call it 'insanity' or an 'allergy' or an 'illness' - realize this; it is not YOU as broken or lesser or bad.

You are facing something that is not your fault, any more than having a cold is your fault.

The good news; you have the awareness and the presence of YOUness to see what's happening, to voice your desire to change it, to see that this isn't what you want and to take a step in another direction.

Simply by posting this, you have taken an action in the direction of something different, something better.

Welcome.

Skye2

Hi I think there are many reasons we each get ourselves into this situation. What do you plan to do to get yourself back out of it?

SR is a great site for help and support with that.

totfit

Our brain is not broken. It is just both our bodies and minds react differently to alcohol. It is inherently dangerous for us to drink, because of these innate effects. It is really not such a huge leap to know that the solution is just not to introduce alcohol in the first place. We go round and round with the "why's" and it is pretty much simple. We do what we do because we have introduced something into our bodies, which though may be innocuous to others has a terrible effect on us. We are not any weaker than someone that can't eat peanuts, because of an allergy. Just don't drink alcohol, problem solved. At least that problem. Then we can work on any others.

Garen

Yeah I know but man it's everywhere! Our society is so centered around alcohol, it's maddening! I quit for weeks at a time or even a month, but always end up going back. Everyone I meet seems to be a regular drinker, my closest family are all moderate/heavy drinkers. I can't go in to a store without seeing it! There's even ladies asking me if I want to sample wine and beer at the store. I can't even buy food without being reminded it's there

Threshold

I remember very clearly (considering how wasted I was) that "how did I become this person" feeling. I had to have it a number of times before I decided I didn't want to be "this person" enough to do something about it.

Sometimes I felt it and just felt sad, sometimes it made me mad...in the end I just felt bored with it...I was like...you know...I just don't want to do this anymore...wasn't even some big dramatic...oh how disgusting you are..oh how pathetic...whatever...it was like drained of drama...and I was ready to be done with it.

It's weird how when I was acting/feeling pretty powerful disgusted with myself...I used it as an excuse to keep going...and when I got bored with it...then I quit.

The way I got that way...looking back...was sort of like butter melting on a dish on a summer's day...slowly losing shape, spreading out...slumping...with no clue how to get back into that sharp cornered stick again.

Tang

Garen, I struggle with the societal aspect of alcohol. It is portrayed as a healthy hobby in society. Know this, there are millions of people who can not drink because they have "an alergy" or bad side effects like addiction to it. It is horrible that most people are insensitive to the fact that we are not weaker than they are, but are just wired differently.

ScottFromWI

I have personally found that the whole "alcohol is everywhere" and "society makes me drink" excuse to be completely false, but it takes time before you realize it. We are all quite capable of not watching the commercials, not going to events that are centered on drinking, and not hanging around with others who primarily drink. There are more people that go about their lives without focusing on drinking than those that do. Actually they are the majority.

FreeOwl

I can't really agree with "completely false". I do agree that we are entirely capable of making the sober choice and that there are many who do.... but it's pretty much undeniable that the commonly-accepted norms of our society include the glorifcation of booze for every occasion. Television, magazines, movies, stories, songs.... the very behaviors of our peers and colleagues and the constructs within which we do business.... it's pervasive.

It was really interesting working in parts of Asia where that isn't the case... noticing the stark differences in society's messages and norms. But "alcohol is everywhere" is undeniable in our country. "Society makes me drink" - no... that is an excuse.

Kensho

"Drained of drama" - a bunch of thumbs-up for that!

Garen

Thanks for the replies everyone, by the way.

I am far enough along to know that making excuses isn't going to help me. I was just venting some frustration.

I hope that I can quit before I am melted butter on a plate.

least

I hope you can quit drinking for good. It will lead you to a bad end.

Tang

I agree it's not an excuse to drink, but it helps explain there is a lot of pressure. As an example, a good friend who grew up in a Muslim country was never exposed to any advertising. It does not free us from responsibility but it makes it harder being surrounded by it. Like my boss who just told me we are meeting at the bar for our team meeting.

Saliena

I remember one of my first team meetings out at a bar sober... I was always "that girl"... That would get TRASHED and think that everyone else was doing it to. Turns I was the only one... and when I order a diet coke.. noone gave me a hard time... noone even blinked. It was all in my head, other people didn't drink the way I did. As a matter of fact the majority of people there were having one maybe two beers the whole night. Seriously... who knew?

After the fact there were a couple of people that even told me that they liked me better when I was out that night... not that they noticed that I wasn't drinking (which I am sure they did.. but, didn't care)... but, I was being true to me.. not the person I was when the drink took over... I didn't flirt with random guys, I didn't have to get a ride home from a co-worker cause I was to trashed.. my husband didn't have to pick me up.

Anna

Hi Garen,

I'm glad you found us.

I think it comes down to change. I removed a couple of family members from my life and a couple of friends too. I started driving home from work a different way to break the habit of stopping and buying wine. I literally closed my eyes when I zoomed by the wine and beer aisle in the grocery store.

You can do this.

choublak

Consumerism.

It's not going away, ever. So it's up to the individual to change his or her perception of these things.

choublak

In parts of Asia and Africa, skin bleaching products are glorified much like alcohol is in the US.

Point being, every country has its own "demons", if you will.

KateL

There is some great advice here and I can't really add to it, except to say, I hope you give quitting a go. xxxx

Garen

I have done that also, Anna. I've closed my eyes or looked the other direction when walking by the beer/wine isle. My palms would get sweaty. Then I'd drive home and I'd see the billboards, the 7/11, etc... I'd get a text from a friend, she had a bad day and wants to blow off some steam and meet me some where... bla bla. All the while there is like a shouting match going on in my head between the part of me that wants to grow old and the other part that just wants a fix and doesn't care about tomorrow.

Garen

I am totally functional otherwise. I make good decisions in most other things, I have good character. It's easy for me to fly under the radar with this problem.

My doctor wants me to go to rehab, but I can't just quit my job! I hear it's expensive, too. I got obligations, I need my paychecks. I told her how much I drink currently and she looked at me a brief moment and took a deep breath. I am kinda worried.