Hammer

Not talking about *them* drinking -- talking metaphor for *us.*

And not talking about the first drink when us, they, or whoever was a teenager or whatever.

Talking about the first drink -- of the day, or week, or month, or beginning of relapse.

See, on the A side of things ALL they can (maybe) control is that FIRST drink. After that, things are likely going to sh-face.

Some of *us* are not all that different.

But like I say -- Am NOT talking -- about THEIR first drink, but rather metaphorically for us. What "triggers" things -- for us -- right over the edge and when it hits, we are back in the mess?

That was part of our discussion last night for my Steps Group Meeting.

By the it came around to me, I knew it so strong, I was coming out of my chair just trying to say it. The lies. First breath, hint, or suggestion of a lie from her. And I am just seeing red.

Point is . . .

Once *we* know our "first drink" we may be able to choose to not take it.

Maybe. Her Compulsive Lying v. My Compulsive Reacting.

First Drink.

hopeful4

OOO boy do I agree. Mine is the exact same. The lies. I would much rather have him say to me I messed up, I drank a drink than lie to me about it. There is nothing I hate more in life than being lied to by anyone. I don't lie and I don't think it is appropriate to be lied to, especially by my spouse, the person who should protect me and look out for me most in the world.

I think I Compulsively Reach too. Things are reaching some finality in my life right now so I think that also triggers codependency for me. No matter what happens, apart or together I will always worry what will happen to him. He is the father of my children and while I don't feel passionate love for him I will always care.

Thanks for the post, it made me think.

Carlotta

Crisis (theirs) is a trigger for me. Whether they are asking for help or I see a situation with the potential to go bad fast I have a bit of the "rescuer syndrom".
Of course, if I do not curb my desire to "help" (interfer) then the alcoholic in my life tends to screw things up even more and not listen to me and it all goes South from there.
Sometimes I swear I must have been a St Bernard in a former life

hopeful4

Haha...Never heard that one before! Thanks for the laugh (it's laugh or cry right), I know just what you mean! I have gotten MUCH better about backing away from my AH's crisis when he has one, but it is hard.

Catherine628

Absolutely the lies. But even before the lies start its the way my AH starts to withdraw. It can be very subtle but it triggers a load of anxiety in me.

Someone once said in an al-anon meeting "They are powerless over the first drink. We are powerless over our first think."

Carlotta

Yeah, sometimes I think that Cassandra must have been one of us. Trying to warn a bunch of drunken idiots about the impending doom and being ignored.

Stung

Hmmm...you know, it's not what makes me mad but its when he actually hurts my feelings. That's what makes me stop thinking rationally and engage.

Most of the time I can just stop and say to myself, he's being stupid and he can't help it. Then occasionally he'll say something that is an emotional gut punch and then I can't help myself. I can roll my eyes when he's lying, mainly because I can logically deduce that he's lying and tell him point blank that he's a liar and I'm not stupid.

MissFixit

to me the missfixit version of the first drink would be engaging at all with someone drastically unhealthy.

theuncertainty

Thanks for the something-to-think-about, Hammer.

It's the first hint of a lie here, too. I'm not sure if I'm getting any better at, or if I'm just relying on being able to ignore him in a court-approved manner, now.

jessicajoe

Hmmm... I might be off the mark here but is talking about what "they" do to trigger us a fair comparison to a "first drink" ?
I'm thinking that's more like the A talking about what triggers the first drink for them. The first drink in the above instances would be how someone responded to the lies?????
They have to learn not to respond to triggers just like we do.
So, for me,
the first drink would be when I find myself wondering where he is, looking constantly at my phone, texting or calling him on a pretext to be sure of where he is. When I find myself doing these things (irrespective of "why" I'm doing them) I know I'm in danger of spiraling downwards and I have to get on it !

Just my opinion. I hope it made sense

Hammer

Sure makes sense.

And I had to look at whether her lie(s) is the trigger or is it me (since me is the ONLY part I can control -- maybe).

Let's go back to the Drinking Metaphor. Out a Summer Texas Picnic. Hot and Sunny -- Beer Weather. Someone opens a Cold One and hands it to an A.

THERE. THAT is the moment. The First Drink Moment. Have the beer in hand, but nooowwww.

Does the A drink? That is the A's decision point. Not whether someone else handed the A a beer.

Same for me. Mrs. Hammer may open a hold Tall Boy Case of Lies. And hands them to me.

Do I drink? THAT part is where I get to (or fail to) Control Me.

jessicajoe

YES Hammer
I think we are getting into the semantics

Mrs Hammer's lies/Mr Jess being MIA are the triggers .....our responses(which we can choose whether or not to indulge) are the first drinks.

Stung

Yeah, I think this is where you practice detachment. Those are HER lies. Leave them in the air or put them down. Her lies are not your burden, not your responsibility.

LivingLife4Me

mine has to be when I haven't seen him but a handful of hours in as many weeks. I feel like a single parent most of the time, and the loneliness/rejection is grueling. I am trying to detach from the pain, but when there is a crisis in the house, i.e. sick kid/exhaustion...I flip out when he starts THE QUACK....bad.

Raider

I'm very sorry someone thinks it is ok to lie to you, A or not. Very sorry.

PippiLngstockng

Not looking me in the eye.

My older children learned that from him.

Now that he's been out of the way for so long, they're holding my gaze. I am seeing them, and they are letting me.

So much easier to not take that first cold beer when the cold beer don't live here.

And he's learning to leave me alone. The cold tall one hardly even harrasses me electronically any more.

dancingnow

Yeah for me it's my response. Example, RAH bought us some tickets to see a band next week. He tells me, people get there about an hour earlier, probably to sit and have cocktails.

Me today response - "mmm hmm" . Not sure what will trigger me to start making b**chy comments like, "of course, we're not going early to drink, what made you even consider that, you think I'll just be happy you made plans for us and you can go ahead and take up drinking again."

I am hanging on to my program, praying there's nothing here that will set me off and praying this is not a road to relapse for RAH.

shil2587

I am not quite sure, yet. But I am heading in the direction of my mood. If I am feeling low/allow myself to feel low, everything becomes stressful and I go straight back either to fix-it or resent it mode. Same at work with my students, I feel good that day, even the most annoying students don't get to me. I feel low that day, everyone gets to me.

So I'm working on what causes me to plummet. So-far, getting enough natural light really helps. As does having a to-do list and a done list - so I can see all the great things I have done during the week. Sort of proof that I am not failing.

That's just me, so-far.

Hammer

Well, I guess all I can say is "Me, Too," Raider.

Strange. So not like the Pre-Relapse, or even Pre-Rehab person I thought I knew.

About like a person may be after a stroke or something.

Just flat-face, straight-out lies.

Have you ever seen something like that?

Booo

Just had one the other day, he left and forgot to take his phone, out of touch and god knows where. He's sober over three weeks now and doing great.
But I have to live with the past lies which are also a HUGE trigger for me. I have got to learn to stay in the present, that forgotten phone....ugh.