Numbing the Pain
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
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Numbing the Pain
I have been attending counseling, Celebrate Recovery (for my codependence role) and recently Divorce Care at my church. One of the things I am most proud of throughout this entire separation and my illness is that I havent gone to alternative methods of numbing the pain. No drinking, drugs, overspending, overeating or new relationship here.
Today our group leader asked what we can do instead of numbing the pain and it fell silent. There really isnt much we can do othet than sit with our pain and eventually let it pass! Any suggestions what else I can do? Or am I faced with the sad reality that I have to sit with this pain until it subsides?
My separated AH is already onto the next woman, binge drinking while I hold down the fort...It is so painful and I cry in the shower and at night after our 5 year old goes to sleep. I do my readings and homework but I feel like there must be something else I can do to get me over this hump!!
Today our group leader asked what we can do instead of numbing the pain and it fell silent. There really isnt much we can do othet than sit with our pain and eventually let it pass! Any suggestions what else I can do? Or am I faced with the sad reality that I have to sit with this pain until it subsides?
My separated AH is already onto the next woman, binge drinking while I hold down the fort...It is so painful and I cry in the shower and at night after our 5 year old goes to sleep. I do my readings and homework but I feel like there must be something else I can do to get me over this hump!!
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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(((hugs)))
The only alternate I can think of to numbing the pain is to seek peace. Pray, meditate and try to find something fun to do with your 5 year old that makes you both laugh. It doesn't matter that you feel it right now, as much as just doing it anyway. One little forced laugh is sometimes a gigantic hurdle. It's okay to cry, to feel the pain and to take it one day at a time. Grief doesn't have a set timetable.
Volunteer work can be therapeutic for some. For me, when I was at my lowest after a tragedy in our lives, I couldn't have dealt with that. I needed the time to grieve.
Counseling is a great step. One other thing I wish I had done long ago, but have been doing in recent years, is to find good naturopathic doctors to help with my healing. I have vitamin and mineral deficiencies, food intolerances, hormone imbalances and adrenal fatigue. There's a long list of physical things that can bring down your energy in addition to dealing with an alcoholic in your life. Although that could be a bit of the chicken/egg question of which came first -- stress can cause a lot of physical problems which can make it really hard to get past pain and find happiness.
The only alternate I can think of to numbing the pain is to seek peace. Pray, meditate and try to find something fun to do with your 5 year old that makes you both laugh. It doesn't matter that you feel it right now, as much as just doing it anyway. One little forced laugh is sometimes a gigantic hurdle. It's okay to cry, to feel the pain and to take it one day at a time. Grief doesn't have a set timetable.
Volunteer work can be therapeutic for some. For me, when I was at my lowest after a tragedy in our lives, I couldn't have dealt with that. I needed the time to grieve.
Counseling is a great step. One other thing I wish I had done long ago, but have been doing in recent years, is to find good naturopathic doctors to help with my healing. I have vitamin and mineral deficiencies, food intolerances, hormone imbalances and adrenal fatigue. There's a long list of physical things that can bring down your energy in addition to dealing with an alcoholic in your life. Although that could be a bit of the chicken/egg question of which came first -- stress can cause a lot of physical problems which can make it really hard to get past pain and find happiness.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Oh, yes, I remember crying in the shower after my ex-husbad left me. He had an affair, moved out, filed for divorce, was verbally and emotionally abusive...good times--not.
I remember having to sleep with either the classical music station on the radio or the TV left on. It was the only way I could manage to get any sleep at all.
Counseling helped me.
So did time--time really does heal a lot.
So did the constant reinforcement to myself that I did not deserve to be treated in the way he treated me. I deserved better than infidelity and mental and verbal abuse.
I also kept telling myself that there are some 7 billion people on this planet whom I have yet to meet--over 300 million in the U.S. alone! Think of all the interesting people to meet, all the places still left to explore, just in your home country. You and that precious little one have a lot of adventures to come!!
I remember having to sleep with either the classical music station on the radio or the TV left on. It was the only way I could manage to get any sleep at all.
Counseling helped me.
So did time--time really does heal a lot.
So did the constant reinforcement to myself that I did not deserve to be treated in the way he treated me. I deserved better than infidelity and mental and verbal abuse.
I also kept telling myself that there are some 7 billion people on this planet whom I have yet to meet--over 300 million in the U.S. alone! Think of all the interesting people to meet, all the places still left to explore, just in your home country. You and that precious little one have a lot of adventures to come!!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
What to do at midnight . . . flat on your back . . . in the ditch . . . and it is starting to rain?
Only ONE thing you can do.
Praise God.
Yeah, no joke.
Flat on your back, at the midnight hour -- Praise God.
It REALLY screws with the Evil Side of things.
You can. You know you can. So simple, does not books, meetings, therapists nor posting on the intertoobs.
He will hear you, and deliver you.
If you want the long version -- go read The Book of Job.
Only ONE thing you can do.
Praise God.
Yeah, no joke.
Flat on your back, at the midnight hour -- Praise God.
It REALLY screws with the Evil Side of things.
You can. You know you can. So simple, does not books, meetings, therapists nor posting on the intertoobs.
He will hear you, and deliver you.
If you want the long version -- go read The Book of Job.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That hump is called grief and it's just not something we can rush through or will it away. I think you are doing the best you can for your self and all in a positive way. Be gentle with your self and be proud that you have not gone the numbing way.
It really is ok to miss the people we no longer want in our lives.
If your hung up on the fact he has someone else don't envy her, she certainly is not getting some kind of prize. Water seeks its own level, think about him and his behaviors and that's pretty much what he's attracting into his life, someone no doubt who who has deep issues of her own.
She's not getting the man you fell in love with, she's getting who the alcohol has turned him into... the person you can no longer tolerate, the person YOU need to be away from so that YOUR life can have peace.
I think we do ok until we learn they have moved on, then we regress in our recover a bit. Get hung up on our beginnings with them when love was alive and our futures appeared happy. But they are no longer those people today, alcohol/addiction took that person and has left who they are today.
You ran from the burning building to save your life, have empathy for this other woman who is running into it.
It really is ok to miss the people we no longer want in our lives.
If your hung up on the fact he has someone else don't envy her, she certainly is not getting some kind of prize. Water seeks its own level, think about him and his behaviors and that's pretty much what he's attracting into his life, someone no doubt who who has deep issues of her own.
She's not getting the man you fell in love with, she's getting who the alcohol has turned him into... the person you can no longer tolerate, the person YOU need to be away from so that YOUR life can have peace.
I think we do ok until we learn they have moved on, then we regress in our recover a bit. Get hung up on our beginnings with them when love was alive and our futures appeared happy. But they are no longer those people today, alcohol/addiction took that person and has left who they are today.
You ran from the burning building to save your life, have empathy for this other woman who is running into it.
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My kids went through a period (probably mirroring me) when they were in a lot of pain and were trying to handle it the way their father would, by painting themselves as victims. (I'm not saying you are doing this, I promise I have a point.) They would tell stories about how teachers, friends, bus drivers had treated them unfairly and wanted me to feel sorry for them.
When I put them to bed at night, I would ask them to come up with five good things that had happened that day. Some days, the answers were "James didn't hit me today at recess" or "the school lunch was not as awful as yesterday" but they pretty quickly learned to start looking for good things, if only because they knew I'd make them come up with five...
It didn't take long -- a couple of weeks, tops -- to turn them around. Which was my goal. What I hadn't counted on was what it did to me. I just wanted them to look for silver linings. I didn't realize in getting them to do it, I started doing the same thing. And their silver linings helped my heart not hurt quite so much.
So now when I'm in a bad spot, that's what I've started doing. I literally carry a notebook with me everywhere. And I make a point out of noticing things that bring me joy. The fat little sparrows that chirp outside my kitchen window. The steam rising from my morning coffee.
Joy is what balances pain for me. And finding it in the smallest of ways, and being grateful for each little morsel of joy -- that helps me balance out the pain.
When I put them to bed at night, I would ask them to come up with five good things that had happened that day. Some days, the answers were "James didn't hit me today at recess" or "the school lunch was not as awful as yesterday" but they pretty quickly learned to start looking for good things, if only because they knew I'd make them come up with five...
It didn't take long -- a couple of weeks, tops -- to turn them around. Which was my goal. What I hadn't counted on was what it did to me. I just wanted them to look for silver linings. I didn't realize in getting them to do it, I started doing the same thing. And their silver linings helped my heart not hurt quite so much.
So now when I'm in a bad spot, that's what I've started doing. I literally carry a notebook with me everywhere. And I make a point out of noticing things that bring me joy. The fat little sparrows that chirp outside my kitchen window. The steam rising from my morning coffee.
Joy is what balances pain for me. And finding it in the smallest of ways, and being grateful for each little morsel of joy -- that helps me balance out the pain.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by lillamy 
It didn't take long -- a couple of weeks, tops -- to turn them around. Which was my goal. What I hadn't counted on was what it did to me. I just wanted them to look for silver linings. I didn't realize in getting them to do it, I started doing the same thing. And their silver linings helped my heart not hurt quite so much.
So now when I'm in a bad spot, that's what I've started doing. I literally carry a notebook with me everywhere. And I make a point out of noticing things that bring me joy. The fat little sparrows that chirp outside my kitchen window. The steam rising from my morning coffee.
Joy is what balances pain for me. And finding it in the smallest of ways, and being grateful for each little morsel of joy -- that helps me balance out the pain.
So now when I'm in a bad spot, that's what I've started doing. I literally carry a notebook with me everywhere. And I make a point out of noticing things that bring me joy. The fat little sparrows that chirp outside my kitchen window. The steam rising from my morning coffee.
Joy is what balances pain for me. And finding it in the smallest of ways, and being grateful for each little morsel of joy -- that helps me balance out the pain.
And, maybe incorporate it at the dinner table after AH leaves.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Thank you for this thread, iamthird. I am just starting the divorce proceedings... AH hasn't moved out yet (is looking for an apartment.) A lot of good suggestions in this thread. Also, thank you for the reminder on divorce care. Our church use to have one. I will have to check & see if we still do
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you are doing great. You are moving forward. You are surrounding yourself with people who understand what you are going through and getting their support. While you may not recognize from second to second the progress you have made, don't cut yourself short. Just having that conversation was progress!
I will say for me journaling helps. When I was in my step study at Celebrate Recovery our leader had us write negative feelings in red and postive/neutral in blue. It helped me to go back and analyze what was red and why and deal with it so I could move forward from it. Now, two years later, many of what was red is not any longer. My feelings of hostility have greatly diminished and I have learned that I cannot control the actions of anyone else, only how I react to it. I can choose anxiety and hostility, or I can choose to have peace and joy in my life. While I am not perfect, I still experience anxiety and hostility sometimes, it is not nearly as often as it was before. I am moving towards option #2 more and more all the time!
Good Luck and God Bless!
I will say for me journaling helps. When I was in my step study at Celebrate Recovery our leader had us write negative feelings in red and postive/neutral in blue. It helped me to go back and analyze what was red and why and deal with it so I could move forward from it. Now, two years later, many of what was red is not any longer. My feelings of hostility have greatly diminished and I have learned that I cannot control the actions of anyone else, only how I react to it. I can choose anxiety and hostility, or I can choose to have peace and joy in my life. While I am not perfect, I still experience anxiety and hostility sometimes, it is not nearly as often as it was before. I am moving towards option #2 more and more all the time!
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Infidelity makes it even harder, IMO. I used to be convinced that RAH was cheating and it would tear me apart. (I just didn't know her name was Bud Light or that she often answered to Jaggermeister 
)
When I found my mind going down that awful path I learned to stop right there & ask myself, Can I control this? One I fully accepted that I could NOT, a huge weight would release & I could then focus on, "OK, then what CAN I control?"
Which brought me around to self-care stuff. I COULD get enough sleep, even if it meant taking natural supplements for a while to force my body into the habit while my mind still resisted. I like the chewable melatonin tabs you can take without water because if I woke at 2am with Pain & Panic, I could pop half a tab & drift right back to sleep. The better sleep I got, the more my health improved, the more my mind cleared. The more my mind cleared, the better care I took of myself (diet, exercise, etc.) the better/earlier I was able to see myself walking that path in my mind & stop myself sooner.
I also started spending 15-20 mins really thinking hard about the things I had gratitude for just after waking (before getting out of bed) and right before closing my eyes at night before I drifted off to sleep. Slowly, bit by bit, things got easier for me because I felt much more in control of Me. Good luck!!
) When I found my mind going down that awful path I learned to stop right there & ask myself, Can I control this? One I fully accepted that I could NOT, a huge weight would release & I could then focus on, "OK, then what CAN I control?"
Which brought me around to self-care stuff. I COULD get enough sleep, even if it meant taking natural supplements for a while to force my body into the habit while my mind still resisted. I like the chewable melatonin tabs you can take without water because if I woke at 2am with Pain & Panic, I could pop half a tab & drift right back to sleep. The better sleep I got, the more my health improved, the more my mind cleared. The more my mind cleared, the better care I took of myself (diet, exercise, etc.) the better/earlier I was able to see myself walking that path in my mind & stop myself sooner.
I also started spending 15-20 mins really thinking hard about the things I had gratitude for just after waking (before getting out of bed) and right before closing my eyes at night before I drifted off to sleep. Slowly, bit by bit, things got easier for me because I felt much more in control of Me. Good luck!!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I work out. About 7 intense hours a week. More, if I can find the time. Saturday I swam 75 minutes straight. Sunday hard two hours biking 37km/hour with friends, then lifted weights with another friend in the afternoon. Today gym class in the morning and a half hour swim this evening.
The workouts let all the anxiety, anger, sadness get stirred up in a pot, til they boil and evaporate. It all gets released in the effort and sweat and I return to calm, too tired to feel all that emotion any more.
Keeps me sane, strong, healthy. I can buy teen clothes, which are just as nice but much cheaper than women's. And I am surrounded by beautiful men. Works for me
The workouts let all the anxiety, anger, sadness get stirred up in a pot, til they boil and evaporate. It all gets released in the effort and sweat and I return to calm, too tired to feel all that emotion any more.
Keeps me sane, strong, healthy. I can buy teen clothes, which are just as nice but much cheaper than women's. And I am surrounded by beautiful men. Works for me
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Location: right here, right now
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From Ann Voskamp, a woman whose blog I follow (and who also has written a book about noticing joy -- inspiring me):
Made me think of you.
Joy and pain
are two arteries of one heart
that pumps through all those who don't
numb themselves to really living.
are two arteries of one heart
that pumps through all those who don't
numb themselves to really living.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I think when those tough thoughts take hold, that purposely and with awareness, redirecting your focus to the present, to the future. Sometimes it must be done consciously.
We can all suffer from depression, we are all vulnerable. Divorce would be one of the worst times, in that life isn't all roses and avoiding depression isn't completely natural and easy. That's one of those phases in life when we do have to consciously redirect our thoughts when possible.
If you really want to obsess about the past, you can do so later. Just tell yourself "not for today". Maybe years hence...umm...800 years from now! Thinking that day might never come...or if it does...you'll be already in a better place...
We can all suffer from depression, we are all vulnerable. Divorce would be one of the worst times, in that life isn't all roses and avoiding depression isn't completely natural and easy. That's one of those phases in life when we do have to consciously redirect our thoughts when possible.
If you really want to obsess about the past, you can do so later. Just tell yourself "not for today". Maybe years hence...umm...800 years from now! Thinking that day might never come...or if it does...you'll be already in a better place...
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Thoughts are with you, you've been through an incredible journey.
I'm not sure what to advise but I too find working out has been a blessing & outlet for me. I also read daily meditations. When all else fails I put my faith in God & tell myself that my life is just where it's meant to be.
Hugs.
I'm not sure what to advise but I too find working out has been a blessing & outlet for me. I also read daily meditations. When all else fails I put my faith in God & tell myself that my life is just where it's meant to be.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by lillamy
From Ann Voskamp, a woman whose blog I follow (and who also has written a book about noticing joy -- inspiring me):
Made me think of you.
Joy and pain
are two arteries of one heart
that pumps through all those who don't
numb themselves to really living.
are two arteries of one heart
that pumps through all those who don't
numb themselves to really living.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
wysiwyg -- check out her blog. It has done as much for me as has my therapist in the past year.
A Holy Experience – When You’re Desperate for More Than Barely Surviving Your Life
(And I don't remember the rules for posting links but if it needs to be removed, the title of the blog is "A Holy Experience")
A Holy Experience – When You’re Desperate for More Than Barely Surviving Your Life
(And I don't remember the rules for posting links but if it needs to be removed, the title of the blog is "A Holy Experience")
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I needed this thread again last night and all the responses to it. Funny what a process this is...but so helpful I have this board and you guys for support when needed.
I actually went to one of my best friends bday party's last night. Havent really gone anywhere social not related to children or recovery, etc...I felt so out of place. Everyone was drinking, etc. I just hate alcohol. I know ultimately it isnt alcohol's fault it is my separated husbands, but I just cant be around it and everyone drinking just seemed to be so obnoxious to me. This is just not where I am at anymore. I dont want to surround myself with that drinking environment, so I quietly snuck out...came home, crawled into bed. I laid in the dark and just had a good cry and fell asleep. I am doing all the right things for the most part, this pain is just horrid. But I keep thinking I would rather push through this pain than numb the pain in some other unhealthy way. Doing the right thing, the healthy thing and continuing to do it is exhausting! I am tired! Lol!!!
Daughter comes home from separated AH this morning and I am counting the minutes!
I actually went to one of my best friends bday party's last night. Havent really gone anywhere social not related to children or recovery, etc...I felt so out of place. Everyone was drinking, etc. I just hate alcohol. I know ultimately it isnt alcohol's fault it is my separated husbands, but I just cant be around it and everyone drinking just seemed to be so obnoxious to me. This is just not where I am at anymore. I dont want to surround myself with that drinking environment, so I quietly snuck out...came home, crawled into bed. I laid in the dark and just had a good cry and fell asleep. I am doing all the right things for the most part, this pain is just horrid. But I keep thinking I would rather push through this pain than numb the pain in some other unhealthy way. Doing the right thing, the healthy thing and continuing to do it is exhausting! I am tired! Lol!!!
Daughter comes home from separated AH this morning and I am counting the minutes!
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Hi there....
I am not familiar with your story and
was wondering what kind of pain are
you in? I mean, is it physical, emotional,
phycological, spiritual pain?
For me, I don't think I need to be in
so much pain whatever it is, that I
cant live life comfortable.
In the beginning 23 yrs ago, I delt
with my addiction to alcohol and
continue on that journey each day
sober.
Yrs. later I had physical pain in my
leg and hip and sought help with my
physician to pin point the problem.
Come to find out I needed hip replacement
as the result of an accident during my
drinking career.
Today, there is no more physical pain.
I use my recovery program for my
drinking. My physicians for physical.
Faith for my spiritual needs.
There's lots of help available for all
our needs so we can live a better,
healthier quality of life meant for us
to live.
I just remind myself to always be
honest and up front with all whom
I ask help from. That way, doctors
don't give me anything narcotic or
habit forming to interfere with my
recovery process.
I am not familiar with your story and
was wondering what kind of pain are
you in? I mean, is it physical, emotional,
phycological, spiritual pain?
For me, I don't think I need to be in
so much pain whatever it is, that I
cant live life comfortable.
In the beginning 23 yrs ago, I delt
with my addiction to alcohol and
continue on that journey each day
sober.
Yrs. later I had physical pain in my
leg and hip and sought help with my
physician to pin point the problem.
Come to find out I needed hip replacement
as the result of an accident during my
drinking career.
Today, there is no more physical pain.
I use my recovery program for my
drinking. My physicians for physical.
Faith for my spiritual needs.
There's lots of help available for all
our needs so we can live a better,
healthier quality of life meant for us
to live.
I just remind myself to always be
honest and up front with all whom
I ask help from. That way, doctors
don't give me anything narcotic or
habit forming to interfere with my
recovery process.
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