Update... Finally ready
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Update... Finally ready
I only posted a few times, a few months back, so many of you may not remember me... But for those who do, and those who don't, a quick recap...
My qualifier is my husband of 18 mo (been together almost three years). No kids with him, have two of my own living in the home. After every "excuse" in the book, I'm finally ready to listen.
He's been in rehab three times since we've been together, 9 times total. He's 50, been an alcoholic since he was 14. He's lost more jobs than I can count, says he goes to AA, but mostly he makes excuses not to go to AA, and almost never calls his sponsor. He's fully aware that he's an alcoholic, but not really willing to do anything about it.
I have a job in a very religious community and my excuses were numerous, amongst them that my community would never accept leaving him. I wasn't ready to leave, so making the way to make that happen seemed too daunting and much too much like a failure. The excuses and lies I told myself were incredible. The truth was, I wasn't ready to let go. I still love him and kept clinging to who I wanted him to be.
A week ago, proverbial straw finally broke the camel's back. We had a huge fight over petty things. He wasn't drinking at the time, but he left that evening and tried to come home drunk several hours later. I told him to go away and he went to stay with a friend. The next day he tried to break into the house, the police were called, they said because I didn't have a restraining order there was nothing they could do. I was in the house alone with him and he tried to choke me to death (he was very drunk). I immediately left the house and went and filed a restraining order. I got it. He spent four nights in a hotel drunk. Now he's back with the friend that took him in last Sunday night.
We have a court date next Monday to see if the restraining order becomes more permanent. I've spoken to my boss about my situation and he said the community will support me as I try to get him out of my life.
He's gone...he needed to be gone a long time ago, but I still feel very hollow, very alone, and love him very much. The codependent in me just won't die. I'm trying to make the "best" choices for me and my kids, but it still hurts like hell.
I'm not leaving this time. I need support.
My qualifier is my husband of 18 mo (been together almost three years). No kids with him, have two of my own living in the home. After every "excuse" in the book, I'm finally ready to listen.
He's been in rehab three times since we've been together, 9 times total. He's 50, been an alcoholic since he was 14. He's lost more jobs than I can count, says he goes to AA, but mostly he makes excuses not to go to AA, and almost never calls his sponsor. He's fully aware that he's an alcoholic, but not really willing to do anything about it.
I have a job in a very religious community and my excuses were numerous, amongst them that my community would never accept leaving him. I wasn't ready to leave, so making the way to make that happen seemed too daunting and much too much like a failure. The excuses and lies I told myself were incredible. The truth was, I wasn't ready to let go. I still love him and kept clinging to who I wanted him to be.
A week ago, proverbial straw finally broke the camel's back. We had a huge fight over petty things. He wasn't drinking at the time, but he left that evening and tried to come home drunk several hours later. I told him to go away and he went to stay with a friend. The next day he tried to break into the house, the police were called, they said because I didn't have a restraining order there was nothing they could do. I was in the house alone with him and he tried to choke me to death (he was very drunk). I immediately left the house and went and filed a restraining order. I got it. He spent four nights in a hotel drunk. Now he's back with the friend that took him in last Sunday night.
We have a court date next Monday to see if the restraining order becomes more permanent. I've spoken to my boss about my situation and he said the community will support me as I try to get him out of my life.
He's gone...he needed to be gone a long time ago, but I still feel very hollow, very alone, and love him very much. The codependent in me just won't die. I'm trying to make the "best" choices for me and my kids, but it still hurts like hell.
I'm not leaving this time. I need support.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Welcome back allthings. Im sorry you are going through such a difficult time but you will find the people here are very caring and yes sometimes we don't like what they have to say but their suggestions and support come from experience. One of the hardest things about being a loved one of an addict is fully accepting they are addicted and then having to accept we cannot control it and we cannot save them. They have to want it for themselves.
I am glad to hear your community is supporting you. That is so important! You are doing the right things by getting the restraining order because he could have killed you!
You have to do what is best for you and even if it means being apart that does not mean you no longer love him. Most of us love our addict dearly but we learn here we have to take care of ourselves and allow the addict the same right, to take their own responsibility and want to get clean for themselves. I hope you stay and continue to get help outside of SR. Have you tried Al anon or going to therapy? They both can be very helpful.
I am glad to hear your community is supporting you. That is so important! You are doing the right things by getting the restraining order because he could have killed you!
You have to do what is best for you and even if it means being apart that does not mean you no longer love him. Most of us love our addict dearly but we learn here we have to take care of ourselves and allow the addict the same right, to take their own responsibility and want to get clean for themselves. I hope you stay and continue to get help outside of SR. Have you tried Al anon or going to therapy? They both can be very helpful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
It's difficult to every be fully "ready" to leave the person that you love. However, when it becomes so unhealthy it leaves you no other choice.
You are doing the right thing and you aren't crazy to love him......it's ok. You can love someone and still move on with your life.
So glad you are here....
You are doing the right thing and you aren't crazy to love him......it's ok. You can love someone and still move on with your life.
So glad you are here....
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by AllThings 
The next day he tried to break into the house
the police were called
he tried to choke me to death (he was very drunk)
I immediately left the house and went and filed a restraining order
We have a court date next Monday
police report, your statement regarding the choking, etc. etc.
sorry that it all came down to this for you
I know how it goes when we have high hopes for change
yet things get even worse
I think that the courts will be 100 % on your side
and will do their best so as to protect you
not saying that you will be looking soon
but
life is too short to waste our time with the wrong one
there are many out there looking for love
and know how to show love in return
Mountainman
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by needingabreak;
. Have you tried Al anon or going to therapy? They both can be very helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
not saying that you will be looking soon
but
life is too short to waste our time with the wrong one
there are many out there looking for love
and know how to show love in return
Mountainman
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Allthings, it's ok to miss people we no longer want in our lives. For a long time I was hung up on my feelings of love for him. A constant conflict of love and wanting to be with him yet knowing he/ we were not in a healthy relationship. It was hard letting go of someone you love and then when he was gone I missed him terrible and realized it was ok to miss someone you love but can no longer have in your life.
I too had to obtain a restraining order as he was truly out of his mind on drugs. When I went to court for the final one he did not show up and the court was leaning towards waiting so they could contact him, give him more of a chance to appear and I objected to that. The judge asked me why I though he didn't show up and I said because he is still using prescription drugs and is not in his right mind. I explained that I took off from work to be present in court and having to do that again was like punishing me because he was irresponsible....... The judge granted the pertinent one right then and there.
Please be frank with the court and stick with the here and now of his drinking has increased and that he is not in his right mind and you do fear for your life.
The case that was ahead of me, the woman talked all about what a good guy and good husband he was except when he drank. She even stated that she knew he didn't mean to hurt her but when he drinks he changes. The judge asked her if she feared for h life and she said only when he drinks and gets upset. The judge sent them both home without a restraining order and for him to work on his drinking issues. He promised the court he would address it and get help. Well 3 weeks later she was in the hospital after being throw down a flight of stairs when he was drunk and angry at her.
I know of the above situation because my friend is their neighbor. He is now out of the house and she has recovered from her broken hip and has filed for divorce.
Make this about YOU and YOUR life and moving forward and try not to let your Codie feelings make it about him or fixing his addiction.
YOUR life depends on YOU being the strongest you can be.
((hugs))
I too had to obtain a restraining order as he was truly out of his mind on drugs. When I went to court for the final one he did not show up and the court was leaning towards waiting so they could contact him, give him more of a chance to appear and I objected to that. The judge asked me why I though he didn't show up and I said because he is still using prescription drugs and is not in his right mind. I explained that I took off from work to be present in court and having to do that again was like punishing me because he was irresponsible....... The judge granted the pertinent one right then and there.
Please be frank with the court and stick with the here and now of his drinking has increased and that he is not in his right mind and you do fear for your life.
The case that was ahead of me, the woman talked all about what a good guy and good husband he was except when he drank. She even stated that she knew he didn't mean to hurt her but when he drinks he changes. The judge asked her if she feared for h life and she said only when he drinks and gets upset. The judge sent them both home without a restraining order and for him to work on his drinking issues. He promised the court he would address it and get help. Well 3 weeks later she was in the hospital after being throw down a flight of stairs when he was drunk and angry at her.
I know of the above situation because my friend is their neighbor. He is now out of the house and she has recovered from her broken hip and has filed for divorce.
Make this about YOU and YOUR life and moving forward and try not to let your Codie feelings make it about him or fixing his addiction.
YOUR life depends on YOU being the strongest you can be.
((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by atalose
Please be frank with the court and stick with the here and now of his drinking has increased and that he is not in his right mind and you do fear for your life.
The case that was ahead of me, the woman talked all about what a good guy and good husband he was except when he drank. She even stated that she knew he didn't mean to hurt her but when he drinks he changes. The judge asked her if she feared for h life and she said only when he drinks and gets upset. The judge sent them both home without a restraining order and for him to work on his drinking issues. He promised the court he would address it and get help. Well 3 weeks later she was in the hospital after being throw down a flight of stairs when he was drunk and angry at her.
I know of the above situation because my friend is their neighbor. He is now out of the house and she has recovered from her broken hip and has filed for divorce.
Make this about YOU and YOUR life and moving forward and try not to let your Codie feelings make it about him or fixing his addiction.
YOUR life depends on YOU being the strongest you can be.
((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by atalose
How about the truth. His drinking has increased and so has his behavior. You are untrusting of him and afraid and can't have someone who has physically hurt you available to do it again.
Sometimes he'll go three months without drinking, sometimes it's just a month, but since October it's been about once a week. Some weeks he has come home from work drunk (meaning he was drunk on the job). He rarely drinks out of the house though. He isolates.
He has NEVER hurt me sober. He's yelled plenty and been an ass, but never violent sober. Violent happens when he's drunk - then he throws things, breaks tables, hits, chokes, etc. He is a ticking time bomb when he's dunk.
I've never pressed charges against him. (His first wife got a temporary restraining order 25 years ago but let it drop.) He's never left a mark. He doesn't have a criminal record. His last DUI was 23 years ago. He is a decorated war veteran. He has an incredibly high security clearance. He looks pretty clean on paper.
I'm not even sure the judge will believe me... But I need him to believe me. Do I need an attorney?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Having an attorney might help you in a big way. I'd call around tomorrow and find someone who specializes in family law and make an appointment for a consultation. See what they have to say and what your options may be, can't hurt that's for sure.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
How awful, I am so very sorry. I am glad you made it out alive. It sounds like the restraining order will quite likely become permenant (as it should). Please keep yourself and your children safe, it is only a piece of paper.
Binge drinking is alcoholism. It has damaged you and your family. You do not deserve this. It is a progressive disease and it has and will progress. He has went from being violent to "stuff" to being violent to you. What if it is your kids next??
Hugs. Keep posting and please keep yourself and your children safe.
Binge drinking is alcoholism. It has damaged you and your family. You do not deserve this. It is a progressive disease and it has and will progress. He has went from being violent to "stuff" to being violent to you. What if it is your kids next??
Hugs. Keep posting and please keep yourself and your children safe.
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