kat1973

Things have been going terribly lately. His addiction is bad. I feel abandoned and lonely. I am afraid to tell anyone what is going on because I don't want to hear the "I told you so."

I have not seen or heard from him in 24 hours. I haven't messaged or called as I fear even more humiliation. I keep having to stop myself. I'm so afraid he will say he's not coming home, which I know needs to happen but I'm afraid to hear it.

Yesterday it all started with me wanting to give him a kiss goodbye before heading out and he said "what are you doing?" That was outright rejection and I felt so worthless. That's just an example of the abuse.

So dear friends I ask what do I do at a time like this?

I've spent the last 24 hours alone.

I am so ashamed at how pathetic I've become.

Nina Kay

Hi kat,
It would really help you if you could find as many meetings around you as possible for loved ones of addicts/alcoholics. I go once a week & read alot of books pertaining to focusing on taking care of myself under these very trying circumstances. But at first, I went to as many meetings a week as possible. Being with those who are going through alot of what I've gone through is such a comfort & support. Of course, I also come here to read alot of wisdom & personal experiences from those who post here. That is a 24 hr. available comfort & support. Both together really has helped me alot for many years. Keep coming back here & share as much as you can & read as much as you can, but you could really look for the meetings around your area & be determined to go to as many as possible. So sorry for what brought you here but welcome.

kat1973

Thanks for reading and replying to my post

EnglishGarden

We become very isolated, psychologically and physically, when we are in a close relationship of any kind with an active addict. This wears us down, depletes us, we become more easily humiliated, more easily controlled, because an addict is always more powerful than we are when he has us isolated. The more arrogant he becomes, the more self-doubt we feel. The more confident he is, the more we shrink away.

Why is the addict arrogant and confident? The adrenaline rush, of course, when he's high contributes to that feeling that no one and nothing can touch him. But he is also cocky and flippant because he is willing to lose anything, he doesn't care, because when it comes down to the wire, the addict has nothing to lose. His emotional investment is zero . It is very hard to comprehend the mind of an addict. But his actions consistently send the same message: you do not matter.

When he gives you scraps of affection, he is training you. He keeps you waiting for the next scrap. When it doesn't come, the pain hits you. This is emotional abuse. Once you are caught in this cycle, and are isolated from family and friends whose affection and admiration for you could bring you life, you feel more unworthy, more desperate for him to treat you lovingly, and more depressed and unable to find the strength to break away.

You have to stop the isolation. You have to tell those who love you and have known you a long time and have earned your trust over the years....you have to talk to them. They will not know the answer to your problem. But they are the ones who can throw you a rope. They love you. They will want to know. They will want to be there. They are the ones who know how beautiful and valuable you are.

But if, as sadly happens, being with him has so changed your life for the worse that you no longer have connection with anyone at all, then you need to find a counselor who will help you begin to remember who you are and what your gifts are. If you cannot do that, then you can find a support group--people who know what it is to become a lost soul in relationship with an addict-- and you can start there to find yourself again.

You are so afraid of losing him. The feeling is not mutual. And this is not because you are not wonderful enough. It is because you are warm and human, and you need loving attention. Nothing so turns an addict off as someone who wants to connect in a meaningful way and to build a life in partnership.

Find the people who love you. Tell them your story. Ask them to remind you why you matter.

suki44883

If you want to save yourself, you are going to have to get over the fear of the "I told you so." Some things are more important than our pride. This is one of those things.

You deserve better than this. (((HUGS)))

AnvilheadII

we are only as sick as our secrets. you may be surprised at the support you receive...you can't do this alone.

atalose

The life you want and deserve lies right beyond your fears. Walking through those fears, facing them head on will get you to where you want to be.

Like being afraid of the dark, it's not the dark your afraid of, its what's in it.

Same with fear of change, fear of what's in it. We lie to ourselves and make up things to make our fears big. Like the monster under the bed, it's not real.

cazer

I could not be more grateful right now for seeing your post, and for reading all of the responses to it. Thank you for sharing this.

I understand how you're feeling, if that means anything. We all do. EnglishGarden's articulation of the insidious nature of the abuse, the creeping in of the neglect, or disrespect, or lack of attention, or lack of care, really hit home for me. It was exactly what was going on in my relationship with my ex. He had nothing to lose, and so was indifferent (but sortof haughtily/cruelly so) for a long time before we finally ended. And, like you, I kept fighting the same fights and having the same "issues" according to some family and friends, and so for a while I either edited the truth, or just avoided certain people altogether.

I am now out of the relationship (well, almost out of...still having some back-stepping emotional moments where I feel stuck in it all again). I leaned, and continue to lean, heavily on my close friends and family for support through this. And, some of them I realized don't get it, and that's ok - I'm learning who is available for emotional support and who isn't and am respecting those boundaries.

The only person who is regularly telling me "I told you so!" is MYSELF. Because I knew, from the beginning, that there was a strange and unhealthy power dynamic happening, but I couldn't pin-point it and then before I knew it, I was swept up in the cycle that EnglishGarden referred to in her post above. I had the exact same fears of sharing with friends and family, that they would say "I told you so! I told you he would keep using!" But they didn't. I ignored my own inner warnings and boundaries, and that was what was feeding my fear and shame, and keeping me isolated.

You are not alone, we are all beside you in this. I know it's not the same. Do your best to trust that the people close to you will be waiting for you on the other side of this. Please reach out to someone you can actually talk to as soon as you can. You don't need to carry this pain all by yourself.

kat1973

I feel sick, crazed and pathetic! I could swear that I'm sicker than he is.

How can an addict be so functional, confident, social? His family have stuck by him, they're aware of his addiction. Yet my family seem so disappointed in me, being in such a relationship.

I love my brother so much and he has rescued me from a previous relationship. Admittedly, I was there for him to. I would love to turn to him again but I recall his disapproval when this relationship began saying "don't expect me to rescue you from another failed relationship". I thought that was cruel!

I can talk to mum about anything but she's 68 and worries like hell.

Although I don't have the courage to attend face to face meetings, I'm happy to join online. I've decided that this is the week I begin taking steps towards improving my mental health. Get my meds and therapy sorted, which I've put off for months. Baby steps...

I can't tell you all how grateful I am for your support.

cazer

[QUOTE=kat1973;4421558]I feel sick, crazed and pathetic! I could swear that I'm sicker than he is.

How can an addict be so functional, confident, social? His family have stuck by him, they're aware of his addiction. Yet my family seem so disappointed in me, being in such a relationship.


I totally understand. My ex is extremely well liked and seen as a very charming, charismatic person. His mom knew he smoked weed all the time and still gave him money if he had trouble paying his rent. It was up to me to adjust my expectations, because everyone else around him in his life thought he was great. The truth was, they just saw one side of him.

My sister said the same thing to me (as your brother). It does feel cruel. It's harsh. But it's a boundary he is trying to lay down, because he doesn't know how else to protect you. He's trying to tell you "this relationship is bad for you, and I see that and I'm scared for you". It's ok, you are doing the right thing by starting online, and definitely, if you have counselling and medication therapy to sort out, you must do so. Your life really depends on it. I know it's hard. I know you might feel afraid. Do it anyway.

Vale

sick, crazed, and pathetic, huh?

That's what I FELT when I was enmeshed with this.

But I wasn't truly ANY of those things--------
-------and neither are you.