ILMstepdaughter

Hi, I'm new here. I've been looking for a while for a group like this. With that being said I'll get into my back story.

DH got full custody of SD back when she was 2. We had just started dating. Bio mom lost due to her inability to promote.

SD is now 8. Shes an excellent student. All A's on the softball team etc.

We had always suspected she was doing the drugs as well. Even when she had custody but DH could never prove it in court.

A few years back bio mom got arrested for dealing drugs to an undercover. she went to jail bonded out then missed court. When she was caught she served 3 months and was put on house arrests. She was to get SD every other weekend. We didn't think it was safe, so to court we went. She lost every other weekend and gained supervised visits with her parents doing the supervision or DH.(btw her parents live in another state)

She then violated probation when they found cocaine in her drug test. Back to jail she went. This time 6 months. Gets out scott free.

Try's some AA meetings says shes in rehab etc etc. Looses contact with SD, this goes on for about 3 months. In between we dealt with harassing phone calls, threats that we are horrible parents, were keeping her form her daughter etc etc.

So she takes us back to court because we wont let SD stay the night at a house that doesn't exist.

See she has had no job/car/DL/home since he gained full custody.

a couple more trips back to court and we end up with supervised visits at the DCF facility.

So she moves out of state to live with her parents. This last for half a year before she gets in trouble again. Did i mention she has a 17yr old daughter her sister has custody of since the daughter was 3?

She has now been in and out of jail 3 more times. anything from theft to prostitution. Most recently she was arrested for trying to rob and undercover cop that was at her house busting her for a prostitution ring.

She has done these things since day one. She calls from jail with a crappy I wont be in here for long attitude. She tells my SD that things will change and SD living with us wont last long. (IT's been 6 yrs) tells DH that he is a piece of crap dad that was never there for his daughter. Has called DCF on me and told them I abuse SD. Says she isn't a drug addict just an alcoholic. Says shes never been better and her life is perfect! oh shes is also bi polar.

Her parents with a court order kicked her out, took away her phone etc.

We have a VERY GOOD final court order. In the order the judge goes on and on about her drug and alcohol addictions. She even sat in court and gave the exact dose of oxy and other meds she takes a day. Which is pointed out in the order. She said it was for back pain. The judge explained she is taking enough meds to knock out a grown man.

Yet she still continues even behind bars to tell us that we are horrible people.(for not letting daughter stay nights with her etc.) and that she is a good mom and not an addict.

We have always promoted our daughter to her bio mom. ALWAYS even as far as picking bio mom up to see her, or having her to our house. (this was before her arrests got really bad) We started taking her to therapy because we didn't know if what we were doing was helping or hurting. After her mom moved it was easier not to deal with seeing her every couple of months. and the phone calls where few and far between. due to bio mom not having money for mins on her phone.

I know a lot of people say get away from the addict. Even her family has left her. We are scared we wont be "promoting" but we are also scared of hurting our daughter with her moms craziness.

I don't understand why her bio mom thinks her life is so perfect and why she thinks shes not an addict? Doesn't she understand her relationship with her daughter could be so much better? Why does she think we are horrible people? we are raising daughter as best we can.

This is too much.... Sorry its soooooooo long. any advice would help!

interrupted

She is an addict - so first off we need to not expect rational thinking or reasoning from her. That's just setting ourselves up for disappointment, because addicts do not behave or reason rationally. What she thinks about the situation is immaterial, the fact is that she's not ready to act like a responsible adult at this time.

I would continue to avoid "bad mouthing" bio mom, and I think you did the right thing getting your daughter (yes, *your* daughter) into therapy. I might also ask the therapist for any recommendations of how best to proceed. Hopefully they have some good insight into the situation and can give you some advice on how much exposure is appropriate.

About the abusive calls from bio mom - I would stop taking those. If someone starts to threaten, harass, or disrespect me I end the conversation immediately. I don't have to put up with that sort of behavior, and neither do you. It only took a few times of me existing stage right for my sister and mom (both qualifiers) to realize that I wasn't interested in discussing their opinions of my perceived shortcomings. If someone can't have a polite and respectful conversation, then the conversation doesn't happen. Usually it ended something like "I'm sorry you feel that way, I hope the rest of your day improves" or some sort of brief, polite closure before ending the call.

I'm glad your daughter has you in her life. Welcome to the forum, I'm sorry for what brings you hear but I'm glad you found us. Keep posting, it really does help!

Txhelp

I agree with interrupted posts....you don't have to take phone calls from her.

Given her history, I would be tempted to not let her contact the daughter either via phone. Supervised visits is one thing but really who is supervising? I would think a court ordered professional would be best for the child. Not the parents, who enable, and may allow abusive language towards you guys.

At this point, if its not healthy and she is currently using, prostituting, selling, etc....why should the daughter have any contact?

There is no logic to the active addict. None.

ILMstepdaughter

Posting and reading on here have already helped to open my eyes to the way she acts. I had never known a drug addict up until a few short years ago. Reading many of these post has helped me get into there minds, and to see what there really thinking.

Our last court order was changed to a professional DCF supervisor. Also its at my husbands discretion. If he feels shes been to out of control or threatening it just doesn't happen. We have never had to use it because she moved and hasn't seen SD for a year and a half. Due to the fact that shes in jail again and before that had no transportation to another state.

Her parents are another story. Dad is an alcoholic who stood on stand and basically said he hates her guts and she ruined his life. Mom is opposite. Will lie and do whatever she can for her. When bio mom gets out of jail shes all I love god, I'm better, I'm ready to be a parent to both my kids. But that always ends after 2-3 weeks. Her mom deals with it to a point, then kicks her to the curb when she gets to out of hand. So now that bio mom is in jail grandma is back on her side. Went as far to call us and say that we need to stop harassing her daughter and that when bio mom calls our house the phone calls are recorded and bio mom will give them to her lawyer. (aka public defender) We've learned this is bio moms way of having the last word. Because when she calls we wont speak with her. So she cant tell us how big of a piece of crap we are.

She's behind bars yet WE are the ones that are crappy parents! I just don't get it.

I know they say it takes hitting rock bottom before they get help. Shes tried many times to get it. Shes hit rock bottom a million times. Shes 39, in jail, no car, license, home, job, money, lost custody of both her kids. How much more does it take for her to realize she needs serious help? Or is it that some people just cant be helped?

HumbleNumb

She's in serious denial... yes, D-E-N-I-A-L... and I don't mean a river in Egypt...

She's hurting (albeit, herself but she's hurting) - and one thing I've learned is this truth:
Hurting People Hurt People...
She knows that what she's saying is the farthest thing from the truth regarding you and your DH... but she MUST force herself to believe that somehow, someway, she is better than she knows she is... and how does one do that? Without reasonable cognitive function, they resort to toddler tactics... they lie, call names, and point fingers at others, in hopes that it will take the attention off their own misdeeds...
That's all I have to say about that.

don't kid yourself on this either... What might be rock bottom for me or you, is sometimes no where NEAR rock bottom for someone else...

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. You will get good support and feedback here.

I agree. She is an addict. She has shown she will do whatever she needs to do to promote her addictions.

While the idea that your SD needs mom in her life is great, she does not need an addicted, prostuting, nutso mother in her life. I have an eight year old daughter, I cannot even imagine subjecting her to that sort of stress.

No contact. Stop answering the phone. Stop subjecting yourselves to it. She is mentally and physically ill in the throes of addiction. Unless she truly wants to stop (which does not sound likely) she may never recover. You must face some people's only bottom is death, as sad as that is.

I am so sorry. You are not alone, keep posting, we will walk this with you!

ILMstepdaughter

I agree with you... DH and I have 2 girls together. It hurts so bad to see her bio mom tell her ill see you in a month or I'm sending you a card etc. and it never happen.

Our court order is great. But it doesn't say anything about being able to completely cut off contact.

The Judge was VERY specif in the order about her being and active drug addict. My SD doesn't have to see her if DH thinks its not a good idea.

BUT in the beginning of their custody battle she lost full custody to every other weekend because of her failure to promote. Now DH is scared if he doesn't at least allow one phone call a week, he'll lose his daughter.

It is very hard on us. To know if we are doing the right thing. Will she hate us if we dont allow contact? Will she hate us for keeping contact? The therapist suggested the one call a week. Which seems to be working ok. This week we didn't allow because of her having her mom call and complain to us for her last week.

Shes an amazing good kid. Doing well in school and in sports. We are keeping her busy with hobbies, but not too busy. We don't want her to burn out. Just want her to see there are a million things to do in life other than drugs.

hopeful4

They understand far more than we give them credit for. One phone call per week is reasonable. I would gently explain to her mom is sick and all that goes along with it without going into the dirty details. I would let her know mom is not physically able to care for her right now, so she does not resent it.

I wish you hugs hugs. I would say her doing so well supports that you and your husband are doing a great job with her!