Beware of A's disguised in niceness
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Beware of A's disguised in niceness
I wrote a month ago about seeing someone who drank quite a bit and how they were nothing like the belittling, self absorbed, domineering A I'd been with before.
This guy is flip flopping all over the place my head is spinning.
He doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship. But, then he tells me he loves me and I make him happy. Then he drinks a whole bottle of wine to himself and seems to get into these weird mental places where his self esteem is at stake and he goes into this dark place.
We are on a break this weekend so he can figure out what he wants to do. I've got so many emotions going on right now I can't seem to think straight. This should be my opportunity to bag out of this. We've been here more than once in the past few months with him not sure if he wants this relationship or not.
Meanwhile, i'm trying to deal with those old habits and feelings the xABF brought up in me...I want to call him, I want to see him, I want to make him see he needs to be with me (these are definitely MY issues and I get that...thought I'd worked through them...obviously still there).
He is so loving and giving. His affection towards me is tremendous. Such a big switch from the xABF who deprived me of it. He's articulate and smart and honest. He is trustworthy and faithful. He thrives on communication and has never raised his voice whenever I've gone off the deep end
But, his life is a mess. He misses appointments, seems to screw up at work a lot, his teenage daughter is constantly in trouble. He constantly is looking for affirmations from me about him because his self-esteem is so sucky. I've never seen anyone beat themselves up so much. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I've got another child to take care of.
What am I looking for here? Why did I post this? I know he's got issues whether they are related to drinking or not. I'm positive there is another side of him I'm just not seeing. It bothers me that I care so much about him because I'm feeling all those old addictive behaviors of my own kicking in. I'm trying to ride out the wave of the need to call or text him - so far so good, but it's a hell of a wave right now.
As always, thanks for reading and input and whatever. I just really need a place to vent this. I'm feeling confused.
This guy is flip flopping all over the place my head is spinning.
He doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship. But, then he tells me he loves me and I make him happy. Then he drinks a whole bottle of wine to himself and seems to get into these weird mental places where his self esteem is at stake and he goes into this dark place.
We are on a break this weekend so he can figure out what he wants to do. I've got so many emotions going on right now I can't seem to think straight. This should be my opportunity to bag out of this. We've been here more than once in the past few months with him not sure if he wants this relationship or not.
Meanwhile, i'm trying to deal with those old habits and feelings the xABF brought up in me...I want to call him, I want to see him, I want to make him see he needs to be with me (these are definitely MY issues and I get that...thought I'd worked through them...obviously still there).
He is so loving and giving. His affection towards me is tremendous. Such a big switch from the xABF who deprived me of it. He's articulate and smart and honest. He is trustworthy and faithful. He thrives on communication and has never raised his voice whenever I've gone off the deep end
But, his life is a mess. He misses appointments, seems to screw up at work a lot, his teenage daughter is constantly in trouble. He constantly is looking for affirmations from me about him because his self-esteem is so sucky. I've never seen anyone beat themselves up so much. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I've got another child to take care of.
What am I looking for here? Why did I post this? I know he's got issues whether they are related to drinking or not. I'm positive there is another side of him I'm just not seeing. It bothers me that I care so much about him because I'm feeling all those old addictive behaviors of my own kicking in. I'm trying to ride out the wave of the need to call or text him - so far so good, but it's a hell of a wave right now.
As always, thanks for reading and input and whatever. I just really need a place to vent this. I'm feeling confused.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Oh Lordy!
You are waiting for him to make up his mind?
Right, that sounds just great.
Really? I would be setting myself up in front of F&F tonight and reading until my eyes fell out.
Was your ex always a jerk? or did he start off kind of nice too.
I like this good old-fashioned saying,
"Better your own company, than with bad company".
You are waiting for him to make up his mind?
Right, that sounds just great.
Really? I would be setting myself up in front of F&F tonight and reading until my eyes fell out.
Was your ex always a jerk? or did he start off kind of nice too.
I like this good old-fashioned saying,
"Better your own company, than with bad company".
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
5 cents please . . .
I'm sure he's a great guy underneath it all, but do you really want to jump from one drinker to another, even though he's a different flavor?
He's having trouble making a commitment to you, his life is already kind of a mess (and if he keeps drinking, you know that it will get worse as the alcoholism progresses),
and he has a mixed-up daughter that you will both be dealing with if you stay with him.
I think you said it--this your "opportunity to bag out of this" and look for a nice guy who doesn't come with all this baggage.
Best to you imln
I'm sure he's a great guy underneath it all, but do you really want to jump from one drinker to another, even though he's a different flavor?
He's having trouble making a commitment to you, his life is already kind of a mess (and if he keeps drinking, you know that it will get worse as the alcoholism progresses),
and he has a mixed-up daughter that you will both be dealing with if you stay with him.
I think you said it--this your "opportunity to bag out of this" and look for a nice guy who doesn't come with all this baggage.
Best to you imln
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
I wish my X had started off nice...the red flags were all over the playing field and I knew from the get go he wasn't right for me.
This one too actually...less red flags except I watched him drink and get all fun and crazy. A little testosterony, if you will, when he drinks...college like you know?
I knew about this from the beginning as we've been friends for a few years. Tell me why I thought it would be different?
Because he's nice? Because he's loving and sweet? It is who he is, but I do believe there is another side I haven't really seen. The one at night when he's home alone on his computer drinking and feeling sorry for himself.
If I've learned anything it's that your heart and your mind are often at odds with each other. And, the quicker you get your heart out of the equation, the sooner you can move on and get on with your life. Because in these cases following your heart isn't the way to go.
Sure works on bringing up the old co-dependency feelings though...wow. Always a work in progress.
This one too actually...less red flags except I watched him drink and get all fun and crazy. A little testosterony, if you will, when he drinks...college like you know?
I knew about this from the beginning as we've been friends for a few years. Tell me why I thought it would be different?
Because he's nice? Because he's loving and sweet? It is who he is, but I do believe there is another side I haven't really seen. The one at night when he's home alone on his computer drinking and feeling sorry for himself.
If I've learned anything it's that your heart and your mind are often at odds with each other. And, the quicker you get your heart out of the equation, the sooner you can move on and get on with your life. Because in these cases following your heart isn't the way to go.
Sure works on bringing up the old co-dependency feelings though...wow. Always a work in progress.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
My AH is the exact same way--and definitely was while we were dating! All the sweet talk that came out of his mouth gave me a sugar high. But I remember my mother being so much wiser than I, and telling me, beware of the man who wears a white shirt, because underneath he might be wearing a dirty T-shirt. Kind of an awkward way of saying he's all shiny on the outside, but what is truly on the inside? It's not so pretty there.
My mother was right about my then-ABF. I would advise you to look at all the red flags you've outlined to us. I can tell you that the sweetness and nice is not a good exchange for all the negative stuff that may come with it. I know it's hard to resist. I've been unable to resist for 36 years. Please try to do some soul searching, or go see a counselor who can help sort out why you are compelled to be with someone like him.
Good luck to you! And you are right to come here and try to sort things out. Good for you!
My mother was right about my then-ABF. I would advise you to look at all the red flags you've outlined to us. I can tell you that the sweetness and nice is not a good exchange for all the negative stuff that may come with it. I know it's hard to resist. I've been unable to resist for 36 years. Please try to do some soul searching, or go see a counselor who can help sort out why you are compelled to be with someone like him.
Good luck to you! And you are right to come here and try to sort things out. Good for you!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
My ex alcoholic fiance would tell me he loved me, etc, and then flip into that dark place and say he was unhappy and didn't want to be with me. He would then flip back and say I was perfect for him, that I had ruined him for anyone else ever. Later that night he would flip again...after drinking a bottle of wine or half a bottle of vodka, and behave crazily, calling me name after name. Its gut wrenching. It leaves you questioning your sanity, your emotions, your value, everything. I dunno if its some sort of game to manipulate you and hurt you like he hurts, or just that he can't decide, or that he really doesn't know, but let go of him. Just let go, love yourself enough to realize you deserve to be cherished and valued by someone who is CERTAIN they want you. Love should be a happy blissful experience, not one where you are picking the petals off a daisy saying "He loves me...he loves me not...he loves me....he loves me not."
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Thank you for your responses....all appreciated.
I just spoke to an Xgf of my bf and I got off the call with a clear realization that he's an alcoholic.
I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but I think I was fooling myself. I think I wanted to believe he was so much more than that. But, our conversation put it clear in my mind.
How do you love an alcoholic? You don't. You love yourself more and walk away. The pain will be tough in the short term but in the long term you will be much better off....my words to myself for the day. <3
I just spoke to an Xgf of my bf and I got off the call with a clear realization that he's an alcoholic.
I know that sounds like a no-brainer, but I think I was fooling myself. I think I wanted to believe he was so much more than that. But, our conversation put it clear in my mind.
How do you love an alcoholic? You don't. You love yourself more and walk away. The pain will be tough in the short term but in the long term you will be much better off....my words to myself for the day. <3
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
It's so true. They come in all shapes and sizes and emotional states. It's hard to recognize them at first glance (except somehow we STILL FIND THEM) I think you are quite smart in your last statement. Best of luck--remember your words to yourself for the day. pretty good words for life too.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
What if you took a hiatus from dating and did some stuff for yourself? Sounds like your "picker" may need some fine-tuning if you're going from one alcoholic to another. I got out a ltr with an A in August, and I can't even imagine dating right now. Instead I'm attending Alanon and doing individual therapy to cope with my issues. Someone else had a great post a while ago about how alcoholics/addicts are a small minority of the population, but people like us will overlook healthy relationships with the majority of the population in order to bond with the sick minority.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
LS,
Thanks for your response.
It's been way over a year since my last R with a hard core drug/A abuser and I had prided myself that I worked through it, made some boundaries up for myself and actually stuck to them.
I do agree with you that something about my "picker" still seems to be slightly amiss. I just recently made an appointment with my therapist for this week to have her help me through it.
It's interesting because I've already started thinking about what I want to say to her and it starts out with...so, it looks like I've gotten myself involved with another A again. How the hell did this happen??
The fact that I'm back here and starting to experience similar events is amazing. The fact that I have this past experience and still haven't walked away is just downright scary.
Working on being strong so I can do what I need to do for me.
Thanks for your response.
It's been way over a year since my last R with a hard core drug/A abuser and I had prided myself that I worked through it, made some boundaries up for myself and actually stuck to them.
I do agree with you that something about my "picker" still seems to be slightly amiss. I just recently made an appointment with my therapist for this week to have her help me through it.
It's interesting because I've already started thinking about what I want to say to her and it starts out with...so, it looks like I've gotten myself involved with another A again. How the hell did this happen??
The fact that I'm back here and starting to experience similar events is amazing. The fact that I have this past experience and still haven't walked away is just downright scary.
Working on being strong so I can do what I need to do for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Hi It'smylifenow,
Congratulations on working this through... Just because we're in recovery doesn't mean we don't get stuck sometimes. You saw it, and you're moving on.
What stands out to me is that this time you chose a "kinder" man. Still an alcoholic, yes, and you see that now and are moving on without waiting any longer. So that means you did two things differently this time! Good job!
I have to admit that when I started reading your initial post above I thought, "RUN!" Been there, done that. I ended my relationship 2.5 months ago because, while he isn't an alcoholic, he cannot commit, has lots of "I should do this" and "I should've done that" regrets. Lather, rinse, repeat. Someone who cannot commit to themselves will never be able to commit to someone--or something--else. And I know that goes for myself, and my recovery, too. So I'm (re)committing to myself and am happy to see that you're doing the same!
Cheering for you,
posie
Congratulations on working this through... Just because we're in recovery doesn't mean we don't get stuck sometimes. You saw it, and you're moving on.
What stands out to me is that this time you chose a "kinder" man. Still an alcoholic, yes, and you see that now and are moving on without waiting any longer. So that means you did two things differently this time! Good job!
I have to admit that when I started reading your initial post above I thought, "RUN!" Been there, done that. I ended my relationship 2.5 months ago because, while he isn't an alcoholic, he cannot commit, has lots of "I should do this" and "I should've done that" regrets. Lather, rinse, repeat. Someone who cannot commit to themselves will never be able to commit to someone--or something--else. And I know that goes for myself, and my recovery, too. So I'm (re)committing to myself and am happy to see that you're doing the same!
Cheering for you,
posie
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Well, the saga continues...although it's ended.
We spent a great night together and all day yesterday lounging around and watching a movie. Cuddling on the couch and thinking maybe things were okay.
Until the bomb dropped on me again today for what I believe is the 4th or 5th time in 5 months...I need clarity...I have so much going on in my life. Lets take a break for a few weeks...well, maybe this month. I don't expect you to wait for me. I just don't see how you know someone is the one....and blah, blah, blah.
Looks like I will need to do more work on the co-dependency issues. This is my 3rd real alcoholic I've been in a relationship with and there were a few more that were pretty good drinkers. Thankful my xH of 22 years was a decent, normal guy. Somehow I made the right decision when it mattered.
I believe my now xBF he cares about me. And, I believe he's relieved. Relieved that he doesn't have to deal with any type of relationship or commitment, or anything. He can sit in his little room and drink his bottle of wine every night if that's what he chooses to do.
I know my focus appears to be on him...it'll change...but in this moment it is about him. Eventually, I'll realize how wrong he was for me on a lot of levels.
But, for right now I'm going to miss his love and affection. For whatever it's worth.
We spent a great night together and all day yesterday lounging around and watching a movie. Cuddling on the couch and thinking maybe things were okay.
Until the bomb dropped on me again today for what I believe is the 4th or 5th time in 5 months...I need clarity...I have so much going on in my life. Lets take a break for a few weeks...well, maybe this month. I don't expect you to wait for me. I just don't see how you know someone is the one....and blah, blah, blah.
Looks like I will need to do more work on the co-dependency issues. This is my 3rd real alcoholic I've been in a relationship with and there were a few more that were pretty good drinkers. Thankful my xH of 22 years was a decent, normal guy. Somehow I made the right decision when it mattered.
I believe my now xBF he cares about me. And, I believe he's relieved. Relieved that he doesn't have to deal with any type of relationship or commitment, or anything. He can sit in his little room and drink his bottle of wine every night if that's what he chooses to do.
I know my focus appears to be on him...it'll change...but in this moment it is about him. Eventually, I'll realize how wrong he was for me on a lot of levels.
But, for right now I'm going to miss his love and affection. For whatever it's worth.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow 
But, for right now I'm going to miss his love and affection. For whatever it's worth.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
Well, the saga continues...although it's ended.
We spent a great night together and all day yesterday lounging around and watching a movie. Cuddling on the couch and thinking maybe things were okay.
Until the bomb dropped on me again today for what I believe is the 4th or 5th time in 5 months...I need clarity...I have so much going on in my life. Lets take a break for a few weeks...well, maybe this month. I don't expect you to wait for me. I just don't see how you know someone is the one....and blah, blah, blah.
Looks like I will need to do more work on the co-dependency issues. This is my 3rd real alcoholic I've been in a relationship with and there were a few more that were pretty good drinkers. Thankful my xH of 22 years was a decent, normal guy. Somehow I made the right decision when it mattered.
I believe my now xBF he cares about me. And, I believe he's relieved. Relieved that he doesn't have to deal with any type of relationship or commitment, or anything. He can sit in his little room and drink his bottle of wine every night if that's what he chooses to do.
I know my focus appears to be on him...it'll change...but in this moment it is about him. Eventually, I'll realize how wrong he was for me on a lot of levels.
But, for right now I'm going to miss his love and affection. For whatever it's worth.
We spent a great night together and all day yesterday lounging around and watching a movie. Cuddling on the couch and thinking maybe things were okay.
Until the bomb dropped on me again today for what I believe is the 4th or 5th time in 5 months...I need clarity...I have so much going on in my life. Lets take a break for a few weeks...well, maybe this month. I don't expect you to wait for me. I just don't see how you know someone is the one....and blah, blah, blah.
Looks like I will need to do more work on the co-dependency issues. This is my 3rd real alcoholic I've been in a relationship with and there were a few more that were pretty good drinkers. Thankful my xH of 22 years was a decent, normal guy. Somehow I made the right decision when it mattered.
I believe my now xBF he cares about me. And, I believe he's relieved. Relieved that he doesn't have to deal with any type of relationship or commitment, or anything. He can sit in his little room and drink his bottle of wine every night if that's what he chooses to do.
I know my focus appears to be on him...it'll change...but in this moment it is about him. Eventually, I'll realize how wrong he was for me on a lot of levels.
But, for right now I'm going to miss his love and affection. For whatever it's worth.
You didn't try to make him miss the flight and you didn't board the flight to lalaland with him - to me that's a lot of progress. Enjoy your time "off" and I'm sure the cabs will take credit cards when he returns - he sounds like a frequent flyer.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
OP, you asked, why you picked another A,
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
How the hell did this happen??
"We are comfortable with the familiar, even if it is painful."
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
Don't let him get away with this BS.
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
This guy is flip flopping all over the place my head is spinning.
He doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship. But, then he tells me he loves me and I make him happy.
We are on a break this weekend so he can figure out what he wants to do.
He doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship. But, then he tells me he loves me and I make him happy.
We are on a break this weekend so he can figure out what he wants to do.
He's playing you. One of my exes played that little game with me. Until finally I wised up and got rid of him.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I know what I would do...
I'd definitely stop giving him the power to decide for you, what the hell he wants in his life. The cycle is add water, wash, rinse and repeat. Skip repeat and hang the sh!t out to dry already!
I'd definitely stop giving him the power to decide for you, what the hell he wants in his life. The cycle is add water, wash, rinse and repeat. Skip repeat and hang the sh!t out to dry already!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Alcoholic or not, this guy sounds like a very selfish screwed up jerk. He's playing you for his own ego.
you deserve better treatment, not this constant roller coaster, and all his problems, his worry, his kid, his screwing up at work, his relief, his buttisimo that needs wiping.
When is this relationship ever about you?
Run, don't waste your time on him....he sounds exhausting.
you deserve better treatment, not this constant roller coaster, and all his problems, his worry, his kid, his screwing up at work, his relief, his buttisimo that needs wiping.
When is this relationship ever about you?
Run, don't waste your time on him....he sounds exhausting.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
You do have another child to take of.
Can you take this weekend to figure out what you want?
I can relate to those feelings of wanting to call. Can you try not to call?
It's good for our self-esteem if we DON'T call and try and FIX things.
Can you take this weekend to figure out what you want?
I can relate to those feelings of wanting to call. Can you try not to call?
It's good for our self-esteem if we DON'T call and try and FIX things.
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
I wrote a month ago about seeing someone who drank quite a bit and how they were nothing like the belittling, self absorbed, domineering A I'd been with before.
This guy is flip flopping all over the place my head is spinning.
He doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship. But, then he tells me he loves me and I make him happy. Then he drinks a whole bottle of wine to himself and seems to get into these weird mental places where his self esteem is at stake and he goes into this dark place.
We are on a break this weekend so he can figure out what he wants to do. I've got so many emotions going on right now I can't seem to think straight. This should be my opportunity to bag out of this. We've been here more than once in the past few months with him not sure if he wants this relationship or not.
Meanwhile, i'm trying to deal with those old habits and feelings the xABF brought up in me...I want to call him, I want to see him, I want to make him see he needs to be with me (these are definitely MY issues and I get that...thought I'd worked through them...obviously still there).
He is so loving and giving. His affection towards me is tremendous. Such a big switch from the xABF who deprived me of it. He's articulate and smart and honest. He is trustworthy and faithful. He thrives on communication and has never raised his voice whenever I've gone off the deep end
But, his life is a mess. He misses appointments, seems to screw up at work a lot, his teenage daughter is constantly in trouble. He constantly is looking for affirmations from me about him because his self-esteem is so sucky. I've never seen anyone beat themselves up so much. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I've got another child to take care of.
What am I looking for here? Why did I post this? I know he's got issues whether they are related to drinking or not. I'm positive there is another side of him I'm just not seeing. It bothers me that I care so much about him because I'm feeling all those old addictive behaviors of my own kicking in. I'm trying to ride out the wave of the need to call or text him - so far so good, but it's a hell of a wave right now.
As always, thanks for reading and input and whatever. I just really need a place to vent this. I'm feeling confused.
This guy is flip flopping all over the place my head is spinning.
He doesn't think he wants to be in a relationship. But, then he tells me he loves me and I make him happy. Then he drinks a whole bottle of wine to himself and seems to get into these weird mental places where his self esteem is at stake and he goes into this dark place.
We are on a break this weekend so he can figure out what he wants to do. I've got so many emotions going on right now I can't seem to think straight. This should be my opportunity to bag out of this. We've been here more than once in the past few months with him not sure if he wants this relationship or not.
Meanwhile, i'm trying to deal with those old habits and feelings the xABF brought up in me...I want to call him, I want to see him, I want to make him see he needs to be with me (these are definitely MY issues and I get that...thought I'd worked through them...obviously still there).
He is so loving and giving. His affection towards me is tremendous. Such a big switch from the xABF who deprived me of it. He's articulate and smart and honest. He is trustworthy and faithful. He thrives on communication and has never raised his voice whenever I've gone off the deep end
But, his life is a mess. He misses appointments, seems to screw up at work a lot, his teenage daughter is constantly in trouble. He constantly is looking for affirmations from me about him because his self-esteem is so sucky. I've never seen anyone beat themselves up so much. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I've got another child to take care of.
What am I looking for here? Why did I post this? I know he's got issues whether they are related to drinking or not. I'm positive there is another side of him I'm just not seeing. It bothers me that I care so much about him because I'm feeling all those old addictive behaviors of my own kicking in. I'm trying to ride out the wave of the need to call or text him - so far so good, but it's a hell of a wave right now.
As always, thanks for reading and input and whatever. I just really need a place to vent this. I'm feeling confused.
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