shil2587

A new friend of mine is an alocholic (yeah, I know, way to go, meet another one!).

He is going to propose to his long-distance girlfriend in a couple of weeks. She has no idea (she is a member of my church group in New Zealand), I know this for a fact.

He doesn't acknowledge he has a problem, but it is plain to everyone around him. However, given that he and his soon-to-be fiancee have only really dated online, she is clueless as to what she is about to condemn herself to.

Should I contact her and tell her what I know? Is that overstepping my boundaries and getting involved where I shouldn't? I just feel so bad knowing that she is about to tie herself to an active alocholic in denial.

Raider

NO. None of your business. None at all.

KissMyTiara

None of your business. If she is agrees to get married to someone she's never met. Well that's her problem. SMH

choublak

I'm going to agree with "none of your business".

Have these two even met in person yet?

jkb

Hell no. Stay out of it.

Just my thoughts.........

shil2587

He has been out to visit her several times, but it's always been in the context of taking her out in the evenings where drinking is acceptable. So although they have spent time together, he's hidden it from her.

I will follow you guys advice, I am so new to my own recovery that I know I need to just follow the suggestion. Could a few of you explain why, though. At least that way, although I don't quite understand now, I can read back in a few months time and understand better.

Thank you!

AnvilheadII

how it is even possible to DATE online? nope, agree with others, if she is willing to marry someone she has only known long distance, then she isn't interested in REALITY.

I guess you could use this as a chance to investigate WHY you keep drawing the same type? aka alcoholics?

dandylion

Quite honestly, if she were truly a good friend, I would. I would also talk to her about the folly of making any kind of committment of this nature to anyone that she had only met on line--until I had met them in person and had know them very well for a long time.

I would also be up front with the am le involved and give him the same advice.

It is quite possible that neither will heed you---but, at least your conscience will be clear. They couldn't say that they weren't forewarned.

They both sound very young and inexperienced.

My answer is not the one that other people would choose--but, I am being honest in answering what I would do.

You will, of course, do what you decide to do in the end.

dandylion

KissMyTiara

First all you say a new friend of my is an alcoholic. Why are you getting involved with someone's personal business that is a new friend? Secondly, how do you know a "new" friend is an alcoholic? How do you define that? Only we really know if we are. You are labelling a new person. He is saying he's not. And you have made the decision someone you don't know well is in denial. Judgemental?

Seriously, its not your business.

shil2587

I have been asking myself the same question. I honestly don't yet know whether I am drawing them or whether I am just more perceptive to spotting them. This guy I met at a social gathering with other friends and realised what he was. We chatted and he talked about his plans to propose and the story came out. Along with the fact that he has 37% fatty liver...

But on the other hand, my closest friend at work just admitted to me that she is both an ACOA and an A herself. So still working on why I attract them.

I don't know this girl personally, I just know of her through a mutual friend and feel awful for her. The pressure on her to get married is high because she is in her early thirties and her social group are all married already. I suspect she feels the clock is ticking and so jumped at the guy who is offering her that.


I haven't got involved in reality, just in my head. I know because everyone around him knows. It's just obvious and add to that the fatty liver that he owns to. We were living together as a group for a holiday and have all stayed in touch since. He would start drinking at breakfast and was never without a drink in his hand etc. At the time I was very careful not to comment or feel resentful and was just amenable and kept to my own side of the street. In my head, however, I found it really hard not to be angry - got my own hangups with alcoholism and I know I am very early in my own recovery. I haven't said or done anything, but I can't get it out of my head what this poor woman is letting herself in for. That's all. That's why I come on SR, to keep me IN recovery. For the occassional reality check when my washing machine head gets going!

dandylion

Shil---my above answer was based on the fact that I understood her to be a FRIEND. You have now given new information---she doesn't sound like more than a distant acquaintance--if this is true--I would probably just stay out of it.

dandylion

Seren

Well, if he hasn't proposed yet, you don't even know if she will say yes. Perhaps she has more sense than you believe she has in this situation. Is she expecting a proposal? Has she talked about this at all?

Without getting into specifics, and if she brings it up, you could just talk about the wisdom of really knowing someone before accepting a marriage proposal?

Carlotta

Maybe checking out today's reading: Courage To Change especially the bottom quote would give you some direction?
Here is the link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...18-2014-a.html

Hawkeye13

Hi shil;
Honestly, neither will thank you and most likely neither will listen.
He won't thank you for outing him, she won't want to believe it and will accept his explanations.

Advice within the domestic sphere of a couple is dangerous indeed.
You've heard of all those people hurt or killed trying to help in a domestic battery?
Quite often the victim will turn on the person trying to help and take the side of the abuser. Crazy but true.
It's like that.

MissFixit

put me down for not intervening. i know you want to, but she likely won't listen to you.

think about the numbers of people who come to this site knowing there is a problem w alcohol in their partner and refuse to fully see it or minimize it enough to justify staying in the relationship. and these people KNOW there is an issue. people see what they want to see.

Raider

I will follow you guys advice, I am so new to my own recovery that I know I need to just follow the suggestion. Could a few of you explain why, though. At least that way, although I don't quite understand now, I can read back in a few months time and understand better.


Honey don't blindly follow advice you find on a website. "Consider" the advice and make your own decision. Hopefully you are of age. Good luck.

Stung

Okay, even if you took the alcoholic factor out of this, neither of these people are close friends of yours so it's not your place to meddle in their lives or their potential romantic decision making processes. If this was your best friend you were talking about and someone that you shared everything with and you deeply cared for them, then yes, I would say that you have a chance of hurting your relationship with your friend but you should be honest and open with them about their potential marriage proposal.

That is not this situation.

In my humble opinion, this is entering the busy body territory and there are a lot of assumptions being made. This is gossip. I would put it out of your mind, it sounds unhealthy all the way around.

shil2587

I am of age. I suppose, reading what I wrote, I put that badly. I meant that with something like this, where either way is not going to hurt me, I would be foolish to disregard advice that is so unanimous from people who are further ahead with this stuff than me. In my profession, I am used to being the person who has to get involved in family lives and relationships and I don't always see where to draw the line the rest of the time, although I am getting better at that.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I will keep out of it. I especially found Carlotta's quote helpful about neither causing chaos nor preventing chaos from happening when it the natural course of events. That makes sense.

Thanks!

Booo

OK obviously I need to work on myself a bit more as my first reaction was "of course, make a fake e-mail address"

My bad.

choublak

Pressure from who?