bottomline

I am in a nightmare and feel trapped. My stepson is 18. He lived with his mother all of his life and had the usual every other weekend visitation and every Wednesday night for dinner at our home. His problem became evident to me when he was in 6th grade. I put up a post last fall asking for everyone's opinion regarding my husband's belief that living in our home would be a better place for his son as compared to living with the mother. I do not want to get into all of that again, but, she lies, isn't around to cook dinner with any consistency, etc. Our home is unlike hers in the fact that we're pretty normal, eat dinner together, work full time but make time for each other and our family. We're not perfect, but seemed to have a descent home life and marriage. I have always held the position that it doesn't matter where SS lives-his recovery is by his own choice. You can be surrounded by the best, most stable environment, but if a person wants to use-they will. You cannot create a perfect world for an addict in the hopes that will make everything fall correctly for them. Fast forward-we held an intervention in August 2013 which led to his eventual stay at rehab out of state. He was there 60 days and upon returning back home, my husband had and continues to have him living in our home. I was reluctantly ok with this. I have 2 children that live here-15 and 10. There are 2 older boys (one mine, one his) that are juniors in college and are not home all that often except over their breaks or summer. I felt that SS was in a very critical point coming home from rehab, so our stable environment gave him a fighting chance as opposed to his mom's house. This was on Columbus Day 2013. Today,nevertheless, I am at a totally different place than my husband and it is wreaking havoc. My husband got SS a temp job at his own place of work-and 95% of the mornings, has to go in to wake SS. So, he kept the job because my husband woke him up to go each morning. He would have been fired for not showing up had SS been left to wake on his own. SS has not been saving any of his money. My husband has payed for fixing SS's truck. Because-no way to get to work means SS can't keep his job. My husband has now resorted to being SS's "bank" and making SS give him a certain amount of money from his paycheck so as to hold it. We've found drugs, evidence of drugs, gave him a test which showed coke in his system, etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on about this. If SS is supposed to be home at a certain time and doesn't show up, there are no consequences except for my husband yelling. I keep saying that until he is held accountable for his actions, we're going to be spinning in neutral forever. My home is being ripped apart and my husband just cannot see that no matter what he does, he cannot fix his son. I keep saying that it doesn't matter what SS has or doesn't have. SS has to chose to wake up and go to work. And by waking him up and making him go to work just perpetuates the underlying problem. I said, let him sleep in and lose his job. He may or may not feel the burn for losing his job right away, but he will at some point when he doesn't have money-so long as he doesn't receive money from my husband to fix everything. Which, my husband has done. One thing I will say is that SS has been slowly paying my husband back a certain amount out of his paycheck for past ticket fines, etc. that were incurred during his rehab stint. But, we're going nowhere here. I choose not to live with an addict. I have said all of this and more to my husband. My ex-husband is an alcoholic-and it took me years to figure out he was an addict and a total of 10 years to figure out there was nothing I could do. Except divorce him and remove him from my home. And here I am, with another addict in this house. My husband keeps saying he wants to follow through for his son. I keep telling my husband that he has followed through, over and over. It doesn't matter what he does-SS is the one who needs to follow through. I feel my husband enables SS's behavior. Right now, we're just a roof over his head, shower and occasional meal. SS has not moved forward whatsoever. The temp job is done and SS is supposed to be filling out applications. Although-he should have been doing this from the moment he got the temp job because he knew it was temporary work. I am ready to take my 2 kids and leave this house because the tension here is unhealthy for anyone. My husband has said to SS that he cannot live this way and continue to live under our roof. But that is an empty threat because if my husband were to have followed through, SS would have been out a while ago. SS is supposedly going to meetings-although, we have come to find out he has not gone to the meetings like he has told us. He is also seeing a counselor-skipped one of those already. I am not his blood mother, so you can all guess how much SS wants to listen to anything I have to say. I don't say all that much because I am trying to avoid confrontation. I asked him to pick up his cigarette butts in the yard and that turned into a nightmare argument. My husband says SS was upset because he just had found out his job was done. I said it is no surprise as he knew the job was temporary. It is all an excuse for his behavior. Not like I asked something unreasonable of him. I so uncomfortable in my own home and it is making me a nervous wreck. One other thing is that I had open heart surgery in early December, so this is also no good for my own physical recovery from that. I am 44 years old, so my age is to my benefit and I have recovered well. I feel my husband has put the entire family in a awful position as our home isn't a rehab facility. I told my husband to read things on this site or any other site. Dollydo put up a great post about 10 ways family members can helped a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem...I printed it out and gave it to him. His response was that he can find the opposite position to that. To me, it sounds all like an excuse to not see the obvious. I can't take it anymore. Our marriage has always been wonderful, but it is like he has blinders on right now. I don't know what to do.
Advice...please. Has anyone else had this happen??

KeepinItReal

THis is a horrible situation is horrible. Living with an active addict, is horrible. What you can do is say... I NEED to go to meetings because I am being exposed to an active addict.
Changing your husbands mind about how he feels he can help/rescue his son is probably going to fall on deaf ears. Sometimes/many times people have to do it their way first. Which is usually.. if I love the addict enough, and help him enough.. his life will get better and he will WANT to stop using.
Stop trying to make your husband DO anything. Just take care of YOURSELF. He will feel the detaching. Don't make any sudden decisions.

Nina Kay

Bottomline, I just want to welcome you back to SR. I'm so sorry for why you are here, but coming here was a wise decision. There are many wise people here who have been through alot of what you are going through. Please keep coming back and reading others' post.
I am the Mother of a grown addict Son. I can see & remember going through all that you are saying, but I have come at it with a different view because I am his blood Mother. He is my sweet-hearted little boy. Anyway, your hubby is obviously going through it all with my original perspective & it will take time for him to see what all you see. You are a very wise lady & you are right about everything you said. I know from experience. But easier said than done when it's your own.
Truth be told, since you have gone through such a major surgery, it might not be a bad idea for you to take the kids & stay somewhere else for a while, since you've already considered that. Just my thoughts. Not advising you to. Keep coming back please.

atalose

I think you clearly understand that you cannot change an addict, make them treat you any better or expect much from them when they are using.

Just like you can't change his enabler, make him open eyes to understand that his reactions and handling of his addict son is doing his son more harm.

So that beings said........your once again finding yourself in a relationship with an addict. Your husband is addicted to his sons addiction.

If he clearly has stated he is not going to change his approach on how he handles his active addict son, then YOU are the only one in this picture that can change. Change your address, change your life or accept that this is how it's forever going to be with them.

EnglishGarden

I hope you will consider a few months at least for individual counseling--for you alone--before you make any decisions. Your husband is a classic codependent, but you are probably very codependent as well, after a long marriage to an active alcoholic. You cannot give your husband advice or show him the way unless you are yourself pretty healthy with a strong recovery.

The immediate response of most anyone in your situation is to believe that if other people would change their ways, things would be just fine. But that is usually not the case. And problems keep on spinning, just in a different location and with different players. It is ourselves we must confront. You can do this with a good counselor, or by working with a seasoned sponsor in Al-Anon.

Whether or not you stay in the home or go, it would be best not to wait for others to see the light. It would be best to deal with your own issues. We here understand what you are going through. And we know that the answers are all within you. You will not find them, though, without some serious recovery work of your own. It's just the way it is, when our lives are impacted by addiction.

Kindeyes

I have lived your situation....in reverse. My son is the addict in our lives. I am the codependent. My husband is his step-father. I am the one who frantically tried to save my son in every imaginable way.....eventually I became as sick as he was. Maybe sicker.

My husband understood early on that he could not get between me and my son. He knew instinctively that to do so would destroy our marriage. He has the patience of Job......no doubt.

atalose hit the nail on the head. You are now dealing with two addicts in the home. The addict is addicted to substances......your husband is addicted to his son. It is a toxic combination fueled by love and fear.

I can only imagine the tension in the household and how it is affecting everyone living there.

My family (daughter and husband) began to pull away from me....detach....with love but detach nonetheless. Could I see that happening? Absolutely. Did it affect me and my decisions? Absolutely. Did it have a profound affect on me? Absolutely.

But more than anything, I recognized the insanity of it all and sought help for myself. I was able to salvage my marriage (although I credit my husband with that) and my relationship with my daughter. My son.......the jury is still out. He is somewhere. I don't know where. He may be clean.....but I doubt it. But I do know that he is in God's hands and he is getting the opportunity to learn (or not) his lessons his way. He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is loved.

I am sorry for the anguish that addiction has brought into your household. You are not alone. Unfortunately, many of us understand.

gentle hugs
ke

Txhelp

Beautiful posts....right on! There isn't a thing you can do to change your stepson or his father.

Get help for you....detach and protect yourself the best way you can.

KariSue

My husband took longer than I did to 'get it' about our addictive son. I see many things in your situation that were like mine even down to the cigarette butts.

I have another adult daughter and son. One night my husband wanted to 'rescue' AS and let him stay with us (he had previously lived with us but we had finally gotten him out months earlier) and I just couldn't take having him there. I kindly and lovingly told my husband that I knew he had to do what he had to do but so did I so I was going to go to my daughter's for the night at least to figure things out as I couldn't deal with AS's issues that night. That left my husband home alone with him. So husband had to make sure nothing was stolen, listen to AS's problems, etc. by himself. I told him I loved him and didn't want to go but I had to for my own peace of mind. He understood and I left and settled in at my daughter's for the evening. A few hours later he called and told me to come home because son wasn't going to stay. I forget now what son did that night (probably made up with girlfriend and went back to his apt.) but I do know that it affected my husband and he got a kind of wake up call. I was prepared to stay away as long as I had to but didn't want to. I think my husband knew that.

That is what I did. I made sure I let him know that I didn't want to and that he had the right to do what he wanted to do also. It was not done in anger.

Hope this helps. I know it is rough.

Kari

bottomline

I have been reading the responses as they are coming in...thank you more than you realize.

EJG123

Dealing with an addicted son/daughter is no picnic. My husband and I were usually confused about what we should do with our AD because we were aware of many aspects of her life (jobs, school, counseling/treatment, legal obligations, relationships, hobbies, drug use, etc) and she definitely had ups and downs in all areas and it seemed to be constantly in flux. It was hard to crack down on her for suspected drug use and erratic/lazy/disrespectful behavior when she was working and/or meeting other obligations. It made it really hard to agree on what we wanted to do about her on any given day. Eventually we made her move out but it wasn't until we established boundaries and mutually agreed it was time for her to go.

I'm sure your husband hoped his son could hold down the temp job and then use it as a work reference so that he could find something full time and move out. If his goal was to get his son through the temp job and see if he can find another job, then he may not want to make a decision about moving him out until he feels he has given his son this chance. Unfortunately, your husband may be willing to tolerate bad behavior until he feels his son has had this chance.

bottomline

As an update...SS was told to leave by my husband Saturday afternoon. SS was not doing what my husband was asking of him and my husband finally snapped. Of course, SS has no where to go according to my husband. Which, given his natural mother is going through a divorce, may be true if we believe that either home is SS's only place to live. Nevertheless, SS came back last night. Apologized for talking badly to me and other than that, didn't say all that much with any substance. Said he does not have a plan on what to do. I said to take each day at a time and set small goals. He could barely keep his eyes open. He seemed uninterested and just wanted to go to sleep. Right now, all it boils down to for my husband is that his son would be homeless because he has no money or anything to support himself. I think that kicking him out really had little effect because he was let right back in without saying much or doing much to show any bit of change. I did tell SS that our door isn't a revolving one. But, I guess I only said that for my own sanity because I know it is pretty much meaningless to him. SS attends a counseling center. Our whole family that lives under our roof is going to speak to the counselor tomorrow. I sat down with my 15 and 10 year old and explained that this is their time to be very open and honest about their feelings. Not to worry about offending anyone (including me), etc. This seems to be a positive step for my family...to help us all. My husband has agreed that he has been doing too much for his son. We are going to see a counselor who should also shed some serious light on this. Right now, though, my husband is stuck on the fact that his son has nowhere else to go and would be homeless.

EnglishGarden

It's great that communication is happening between the family members. Family members talking with each other will not have much effect on the addict--apart from maybe leading to less enabling, which will have a positive effect--but the family members communicating breaks one of addiction's worst outcomes in a family, and that is secrets, lies, and pretending.

Since you write that it was 10 years before you realized that nothing you did could change the addiction in your former husband, it probably gives you some insight into why your current husband is perhaps not further along than he is in setting boundaries with his son.

Just keep getting objective feedback from people in recovery, take the long view, and you will keep moving forward. It's good you are taking action and responsibility. I'm glad you have the energy for it and hope you'll continue. If you have a really bad day, find a meeting.

bottomline

Part of my frustration with my husband is that his father was an alcoholic. My husband has been through this before and deep down inside knows what goes on with an addict. The clear issue is that because it is his own child, he can't seem to bring himself to face it and he keeps making excuses for the behavior.

jjj111

bottomline, I'm sorry for the situation you're in. I don't think it's necessarily easier for adult children of alcoholics to deal with addiction. It may actually be harder. I know that in my case, as the child of two alcoholics, I learned in childhood to excuse bad behavior and developed a lot of codependent habits. FWIW, I don't think you can manage your husband's recovery any more than he can manage his son's. All you can do is take care of you.