Tentindependent

This is my first thread and I haven't posted much of my story before so this is likely to get long.

I've known my A spouse for 16 years. We were together for 12 years and married for 10 of those. He'd always been a drinker, so it took a while before I realised he'd crossed the line into alcoholism. I didn't actually start using that word to describe him until after we'd split.

There were always problems with passive behaviour (I only looked into this after we'd split and realised his behaviour fit the category of passive aggressiveness as described here Passive Aggressive Behavior: A Form of Domestic Abuse). Over the years I was slowly being destroyed by this particularly insidious type of emotional abuse. I never considered myself codependent until I found this site.
What I did know is that I'd been increasingly stressed by his financial irresponsibilty, his habit of taking and leaving jobs on a whim (and sitting at home unemployed and living off me for months at a time while he 'decided what he wanted to do'). He became increasingly dependent on me for every little thing and even got to the stage where I had to drive him everywhere as he decided he was 'scared' of public transport (while refusing to learn to drive). We split after I decided I could no longer deal with the debts he continued to run up despite my best efforts to keep paying them off. I couldn't deal with his increasingly childish, erratic and hostile behaviour.

Even after we split we agreed to remain 'friends' and did for a while. What that meant for him was me taking on the overdraft and credit card debt while he moved out with a clean financial slate. I saved the 'rent' he paid me while looking for a place to live and gave it back to him as a deposit. He took at least half the stuff from the house, I moved said 'stuff' for him in my car for free and even bought him items he would need but that we didn't have two of. I still helped him get to work on bank holidays for a while (no public transport). We had 6 pets when we split, he took one of them and agreed to pay vet bills - I ended up paying half of these and am still waiting for him to pay me back even though its been a year since the pooch died. I also helped him get a better paying job where I worked (BIG mistake).

What did I get in return? Unreliability, lies, him manipulating me into giving money despite (as I later found out) his letting his new housemate get away with paying very little toward the bills. I had mutual friends talk being my back while still expecting me to run around after them as always, before dropping me like a hot brick when I wised up and set some boundaries.
I had verbally abusive texts when he was drunk, got shouted and and my car door slammed when I pointed out that he was treating me unfairly and going back on things we had agreed.

When our dog died and he no longer had that as an excuse, he tried to manipulate me into believing he'd starve if I didn't give him money (all while posting on Facebook about laughing at the 'suits' walking past the pub where he was drinking )

At this point (about a year ago) I was having counselling following other events in my life; thanks to this I started to wise up. I ignored his messages asking for money. He got his revenge by calling in sick when he was on my shift, sending messages about how he was giving up his rented house and going bankrupt and also sending messages from work on my days off which were barely disguised accusations of professional neglect.
He even manipulated a colleague into joining in with this. I ended up doing what I never wanted to do and sought support from management.

In the end he left the job, left his house and ran back to Mummy (similar personality to him and someone I laid an absolute boundary about a few months before we split, namely that I was never going to have any contact with her for any reason). This didn't stop him making demands that I help him out by driving him and his stuff to - you guessed it - his mother's!
These were ignored too. At this point I went minimal contact by blocking his texts and phone calls as I had a stress reaction with every contact. I didn't want to completely block him as there is still the divorce to deal with; we had agreed to go the 'two year' separation route as to do an immediate divorce would have meant attaching blame, something neither of us wanted (something I still don't want and resent our legal system for forcing this on people who just want a straightforward split).

I kept getting messages over Facebook for a while. This wasn't ideal but had its advantages in that I know his address, how he's dealt with the debt he continued to run up on goodness-knows-what, things like that.
His messages started back up in earnest a couple of months ago. how he missed me, had given up the cigs and booze, couldn't we just meet up for a drink (an alcoholic drink of course - you have to love this bloke, he's funny). When these were ignored he carried on regardless so I unfriended him. Within 24 hours he put in a friend request and got his cousin to do the same (she had blocked me several months earlier!). At this point I blocked him.

Fast forward a month or so. I put the divorce petition in. As I'm polite, I unblocked him and sent a message to let him know. His first reply was polite, thanking him for letting him know and agreeing to sign the papers. A couple of hours later he asked to meet up for a 'commiseratory drink'. I didn't reply to this, though I was tempted to message him back to remind him how to spell 'congratulatory'.
Irritated as I was, it took me a full day to realise that this message was a passive aggressive way to say "I don't really want to sign them and now I'm upset because of you so I need to drink".

As far as I know, he hasn't received his copy of the divorce petition but I got a message earlier today to say he was thinking of 'contesting the divorce'. All the petition says is that we decided to split in Spring 2011, separated Summer 2011 and had agreed to wait the 2 years to avoid attaching blame to either party. He's going to look pretty foolish if he contests that. I also doubt he's realised that either he refuses consent, in which case I'll wait another 2.5 years and divorce him regardless or he can cross petition, which will cost him money he doesn't have!

I'm guessing this is likely to get rough. Any experience and support will be welcomed.

Blackhawkfan

Tent - thanks for sharing your story. I'm on the other side of the pond so sorry i can't help with the legal side of what you are working through but it sounds like you have a pretty good understanding of the process. Sending support your way and wish you the best. Continue with your recovery and focus on yourself. Continue with the boundaries you've established and stay strong. Wishing you the best as you work through this difficult time.

Tentindependent

Thanks for your support. I woke this morning feeling utterly drained but got up regardless and went to work.

No more messages from him today so at least I've had a break in that department.

Hollyanne

Nowhere here, do you mention your support systems.
I cannot believe the length of time involved.
AlAnon?
You have to get past this and really get some help for yourself.
I can only imagine what this extended episode has done to your self esteem.
I truly wish you the very best.
You deserve it.
Take very good care of you.

Hawkeye13

Yes--what are you doing to care for yourself here? That's quite a marathon you've been through.

I don't know the legal details, but I bet he's trying to get a rise out of you and if you just ignore it he'll either fall into line or you will move on to plan B, especially if he has no money.
Any way you can get around waiting another 21/2 years? I think you need your life back and to totally disconnect from this person.

Welcome to SR and best to you.

Tentindependent

for the support.

I had little support system left by the time we split due to the amount of time and energy sucked out of me by my STBX and his hangers-on.

I've had other things happen since we split. Firstly, I had a mental breakdown. Right up to the day we split, I was more concerned about how he would cope and it was only afterwards that I seemed to have the space and energy to feel the impact on myself.
I became more and more anxious, didn't sleep for three weeks and then crashed into depression. At this point I went to my doctor, got sleeping tablets and antidepressants.

I was also going through the threat of redundancy and as I had been left with no savings and all the debt, no clue how I would cope if this happened. In the end I moved to another site and went on nights for a while.

I started to recover mentally and came back onto days only to end up the target of bullying, eventually signed off sick and referred for counselling. While on the waiting list for counselling I changed jobs.

Due to the counselling, which took me all the way back to deal with issues going back to childhood, I started detaching from my ex and only then started to allow myself to let the few genuine people in my life to support me. I also found this forum and started facing up to my part in all the marital chaos.

I could have filed last July if not for the idiot going for bankruptcy.In the end, the form of debt relief he went for might well work in my favour. I'm not going into detail about all of this online. Its his business, not mine.

I have considered al anon and might well try it, or at least the online version.

My self esteem is building up by the day, but I have to admit I spent the last few months procrastinating as I really could not bring myself to contact him knowing I would have to deal with his crap.

Short version - I've had far more to deal with than his nonsense.

You're right though, it has dragged on far too long and I really don't want to wait another 2-3 years.

Hollyanne

I am so sorry for all this.
You have to admit though that if you were to write a list of your biggest worries today, they are all about "his nonsense".
Even if he starts messing around on the divorce thing, just park it and work on yourself.
I got involved with a very sick guy for only six months and the damage to my psyche, finances, self esteem were enormous. Just six months!
So, I think you can be very hopeful, that you will go on to great things without this millstone around your neck.

Tentindependent

I already am. Changed jobs again (better pay and conditions), been camping alone a few times somewhere peaceful and loved every minute of it. I've been to gigs, music festivals, local events that I would have missed out on in my previous life. I've explored places I've never been to before and planning to do more.

My wardrobe of old, badly fitting clothes is gradually being replaced. I've bought myself a new bed (clean, comfy, good quality, all mine and paid for).

Instead of celebrating my birthday alone as I usually do I allowed a friend to organise a night out. She also took me shopping to help me pick out a new outfit and did my hair, nails and make up.

You're right that he is still managing to drag me down, despite all this and the fact that I've contacted him on a needs only basis for the last year. This translates to 2 times. Once when he gave up his house, to tell him I'd returned the spare key and this week, to tell him the divorce papers were on their way. Sooner I get rid and block contact for good, the better.

It is frightening, the amount of damage one sick person can do to those around them. How are you doing?

Hollyanne

I am good now.
But, like you alluded to, this wasn't the first sick person that I dealt with.
My family wouldn't be the Waltons.
It just shocked me how far I went just for crumbs of attention.
Shocking.
But 2 years later, doing fine.
I even pray for him, but not often because I might have a seizure! Lol

Hollyanne

When is your birthday?
Sounds like you are on a roll.
You are doing better than me!
Good, I concede. You deserve it.

Tentindependent

My birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I went out in a group for a meal dressed up, made up and coiffed to the nines thanks to my friend (I'm usually more hedgerow chic).

Hollyanne

:day

More friends,
Less Bozo!!!