noexcuse

I am trying to quit drinking, but clearly, my alcoholic husband is not. At the moment, I am not thinking about what to do long-term, so please, no responses with regard to that. Here's my current dilemma:

My husband just called me (I'm at work). I could tell immediately that he has been drinking. I asked; he stated that he has drank a bottle of wine. Then he told me to feel free to stop at the store on the way home to pick up some beer.

I have no desire to drink. I am not worried about me drinking at all.

If I buy something for him, I could 'control' the amount/type of alcohol that he consumes. Meaning I could just get him a six-pack and be done with it.

I could just go straight home and not buy him anything. This will lead to one of two scenarios:

1. He will just go out himself, driving while intoxicated and buying either more beer than I would have or buying hard liquor.

2. He won't buy anything but he will spend the evening making me feel like crap because I didn't get him anything (versus all the times I asked him to get me something and he did).

What would you guys do? I'm already getting worked up over this.

ScottFromWI

I'd personally not buy him anything. What you did in the past is kind of irrelevant, you are now trying to be sober. And quite frankly, even if you buy him a small amount of alcohol, he'll still get in the car and go buy more when that's gone. And he'll be mad at you for not buying enough.

least

I would worry most about him drinking and driving.

instant

Tough call. I would pray i had the strength to see it though and that wisdom would come to me.

In the meantime a six pack. But when he is sober i would lay some "ground rules" for how its going to be from now on.

Dee74

It's a tough one but I think Scott's right - your husbands an adult and responsible for the choices he makes tonight - good bad or indifferent.

He's responsible, not you.

chances are he's gonna do what he'll do anyway.

Whatever noble motives, enabling a drunk is a really bad dynamic for anyone, much less someone trying to recover themselves.

Definitely time to lay down some boundaries tomorrow.

D

Ruby2

I have been in your shoes a million times and I would say do not stop at the store to buy alcohol. I been here before..... "2. He won't buy anything but he will spend the evening making me feel like crap because I didn't get him anything (versus all the times I asked him to get me something and he did)."

I am co-dependent to the extreme as well as working my own recovery from alcohol. The "oh, stop at the store if you'd like..." thing always led to bad places for me when I was trying to get sober before I finally did get sober. The discomfort of putting up with him badgering and guilting you into doing this for him is awful. I have caved in many times. The guilt trips "I went out to buy you beer when I was sober and you wanted beer." This isn't about him, it is about you and you staying sober.

As for the fears of him going out and buying more alcohol than you would buy, or hard liquor - he will go out to buy more anyway if you don't buy enough. You cannot control how much he drinks anymore than I could control how much I drank when I was drinking. Which was I couldn't control it.

Good luck. Stay strong. If he badgers you and bugs you come here for support and tune him out. He and your AV are both going to be clamoring for your attention. Don't heed either one. For your own sake.

Ruby2

I just re-read what I wrote and it reads a little harsh to me and that is not my intention at all. I understand what a painful dilemma you are in. However, I know from my own experience that if I bought alcohol for my husband I would end up buying alcohol for me. And then because I was more of a lightweight (he could drink a case of beer whereas I could stop at oh, 12 or so) he would still go out and buy more, more, more. It was better for me to let go and let him buy his own beer and for me to stay home and stay strong and sober than to risk ME getting drunk.

FreeOwl

If it were me, I'd focus on me.... and me staying sober.

I'd try to remind myself that is the most important thing for me and it's not my job to get my spouse drunker.

I'd remind myself that even though this may upset my spouse and / or lead them to do things that could have negative consequences for them.... that is not mine to own.

crappy spot to be in... whatever you do - make your sobriety your priority.

Anna

I hope you can take the focus off your husband and what he chooses to do, and put it back on yourself. Good for you for trying to stop drinking. It's hard to do and we do understand that, but if you're motivated you can do it.

1newcreation

Your responsible for you're own sobriety. If you buy, he'll control you if he hasn't already. When he's drunk @ home & your sober, who do you think will have to go get more booze when it runs out?