Bxy678

Hi guys, I'm called Beckie I am new to this forum, found it when looking for other people who have had the same or similar experiences of myself.

I'll start from the very beginning for the last 23 years I've always had a idea that my dad is or was a user of heroin. Due to seeing and hearing many things over the last two decades from a young age I always knew but never said anything to my parents as I knew my mum also knew had used or still was using.

In November my parents relationship broke down after many years of it being on the rocks, so they separated and my mum moved out leaving my father in our family home.

I moved into my partners and my older sister already lived in her own property.

After a few weeks I noticed dramatic weight loss and while my dad was in work one day I went back to the family home to pick up some post while in the house I noticed a packet for a need head on the kitchen side. This shook me too the core as I honestly thought he would not use again after I found methadone in his room a few year before. (This is one reason I knew he had used before I was 6 when I found the Bottle of methadone) never has mum it father told me of his use it has always been kept a secret.

I kept the information to myself in regrds to the needle head packet I had found.

Then on Christmas Day I was round my dads and I found a pack of sterile strips of cleaning the area before you use. Again I kept this information to myself for another 3 weeks.

The overwhelming sadnes and stress became too much and I confined to my mother told her what I had seen and for her to finally tell me the truth..

After a few hours of conversation I found out my mother use to be a heroin addict with my father and that I was born a addict.. My mum kicked the habit when I was 3 years of age an now this has been out family secret. But my father relapsed many times over the years. For 23 years I've have never known the full extent of my life... I feel lonely and betrayed.

I also found out my dad had been using on and off for the last 25 years. My dad does not know I know thes details nor does my older sister as she is completely ablivious to this.

I now feel very confused and unbelievably saddened by this what do I do next?

Ann

Hi Beckie, welcome to Soberrecovery. I can only imagine the confusion and sadness this information has brought you. The good part is that knowing the truth allows you to take time to process it and heal.

I don't know if you have any support near you but many of us here found support, comfort and inspiration from Al-anon, ACOA, Nar-anon and CoDA. I hope you will seek out a meeting in your area and go see if they don't help you as much as they helped all of us.

You must remember that you cannot change a moment of your past, but your future is all yours to mold into whatever you want it to be. You are not a victim, you are a survivor and you hold the key to your own happiness in your heart.

You may also find support and information in the Family and Friends of Substance Abusers forum. My son is an addict and that forum is where I spend much of my time reading and posting.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

You have taken a big step to reach out for support. Start today and learn from your past to ensure your future is a more beautiful place to look forward to.

Hugs

Bxy678

Thanks Ann,

Thank you for your supporting words. The worse thing is I work in a professional job where I am unable to speak to my colleagues in regards to my fathers addiction an many of friends wouldn't understand what I going on.

My partner has been fantastic but I feel I need to read and learn from other people who understand the pain and heart ache this has caused.

I just feel like I'm starting to drown in the amount of badness from my past... I feel like I'm on the outside looking in at my life falling apart and there's nothing I can do but watch the man who brought me in the world destroy his precious life.

It's time to do something positive an I feel reaching out on this forum I the best way to do it xx

Kialua

Hi welcome. I'm sorry you had to live with this all your life, and keep it hidden to yourself. That is one aspect that is not fair, keeping the big secret. It's something that we are not really taught but we caught, from the family dynamics. It's the big elephant in the room that we all pretend doesn't exist and don't want to tell each other. It entirely possible that your sister is oblivious to this, my two sisters were and still are oblivious that my alcoholic dad beat the rest of us right in front of them. You might be surprised what your sister does know. But it serves no purpose to keep your knowledge to yourself as if protecting others, the secrets only serve to isolate us.

Kialua

I would suggest the bill of rights of Adult children to be a good place to start reading, if you haven't already. You have the right to be happy.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ll-rights.html

hopeful4

If no one else has, I recommend the book Under the Influence and the book Codependent No More. These are very helpful at understand addiction and how we can recognize our own codependent behavior and what to actually do to move forward.

Hugs!