trick413

Boy oh boy! Talk about some ****. 15 days sober now and this is a trip. My brain/body is trying to trick me so badly. I have gotten to the point in my life where I can only work five hours a day delivering pizzas when I used to be a fine dining waiter. I am happy to have this new job as the people there are laid back and fairly nice. Expectations are not really that high. But here's the rub:
While I really don't want to drink, all this stuff is happening. I go to bed around midnight and religulously wake up at 4am every day. I go have a CIG and it starts. I have all this fear set in within the first few minutes I'm awake. Self talk that basically amounts to "**** ain't right". Now I know all the things I should DO (not sit and think of doing), but I'm sleep deprived and spend most of the rest of the day watching t.v., surf in online, eating ALOT, and catching little naps here and there until I go to work at 4p.m.
Now this is where it gets bad. Like I said, the bosses and employees work as hard as they need to get the job done, but they don't seem to be freaking out on the inside like I do. I feel exhausted to start. I worry that they're going to fire me if I don't do a good enough job. When any little thing goes not my way, it feels like the end of the world. I'm now forgetful and clumsy, thinking that it's the beginning of Alzheimer's that my dad had. And all the while feeling and acting like I've got it all together by being breezy and fun. Then I get Behind the wheel again and the car in front of me takes three seconds to go when the light turns green and I literally scream in frustration. Ultimately I think that being drunk or hung over is so preferable to this.
I have tried a.a. many, many times in the past and it's never worked. Please don't respond that it works if you work it I will chuck my computer at your head. The biggest **** you in my life has been the begging and pleading to God for relief from this obsession and nothing but misery. Working the steps and going to meetings every day for over a year and having people say that they didn't really start getting relief til year three. Or five. Are you freaking kidding me?! Hang in there! Is that the best you've got?!
Thanks for listening. Had to get that off my chest. I think I feel a little better. Look forward to any responses.

autan

I know what you mean about the Alzheimer's thing, my memory since I quit drinking isnt worth a damn. Must be an imbalance in the brain. I am sure it will pass.

Have you tried exercising at a gym and treating yourself to a swim and sauna. It sounds like your just a bit bored in the day and so you are napping and at night your not tired so everything is playing on your mind.

Dee74

I'm not sure how to respond to that trick.

I know for a long time after I got sober I was still living the same life I did when drinking - waking early, watching TV, and not doing much else.

Thats fine for a booze hound but it will send a sober guy mad.

I was thinking and overthinking stuff in my head, and driving myself mad

Maybe you need a little more happening in your life, maybe?

Get out of the house, do something, connect with people again.

Volunteering in my community was a good way to do that for me - if that's not your scene (and apparently neither is AA), try to think of hobbies and interests or something else healthy that might get you off the couch and out of your own head.

Put some meaning back in your life Trick?

D

kflee

I could feel your voice as I read that. Hope you feel good to express that. If that is the way you feel after your experiences than I can't tell you different. I am doing this mostly on my own, SR and my doctor monitoring me. I am at Day 20. I feel like a different person.

IOAA2

Hi. AA often may not work unless we work it. For me just going to meetings and only listening left me unimpressed with my progress. Finally I got involved by going to different meetings, making coffee, setting up chairs, putting them away, going on commitments, chairing meetings, attending business meetings and group conscious meetings and on and on. In other words being part of the fellowship instead of just being around it.

BE WELL

HenryKrinkle

I don't know how you can expect to function on 4 hours of sleep per night. Most people need double that. Are you having issues with sleep? If so, maybe see a doctor to see if s/he can help?

ClearMind

Yeah, I don't know. I know what you mean by the Alzheimers thing though - I was always worried that I was in the early stages of it, but after I sobered up (I've slipped a couple of times, but have been generally sober for 3 months or so now), I found my short term memory and focus improved quite a lot. Alcohol causes a vicious chain reaction - it makes me panicky and anxious and unfocused and unmotivated, and it causes me to think that drinking more alcohol is the only way these problems can be temporarily fixed. Which of course makes it worse.

But anyway, like Dee said, I think that getting into a more productive routine might help. For example, going to the gym? It's something to do, you're out in the world, and doing something positive and healthy. You can't help but feel better about yourself when you work out.

Good luck!

EndGameNYC

I don't know what to say, but it seems that, at least for now, that's all you've got.

Anger can be a useful emotion that can give us important information. Rage only eats us up from the inside out.

If AA isn't for you, then it's time to try something different.

Anna

I hope that you decide to get more sleep at night time. I understand the negative voice attacking you first thing in the morning. I had that happen to me, too. But, you can change that. Focus on the positives in your life, even if you think they are small. Be kind to yourself.

coming_clean

Stuff only works if you want it to work..

foolsgold66

So, what do you think you should do about that?

lovingit

Hi Trick. I just want to tell you that I'm feeling identical to you at 16 days. It was difficult to get here, and I'm not doing it again. 100% of the people here say it gets better and I trust that.

Remember...Even after Monday and Tuesday, the calendar says WTF

Thought you could use a laugh

Dee74

it was the best advice I got

People promised me if I stuck with this, I'd look back and be glad I did.
It's an act of faith I guess - but they weren't wrong.

Like I said above, we can help things along, but things get better Trick

D

2muchpain

I'm the kind of person that needs some kind of structure. My drinking is not a big problem as long as I have a plan each day. Last May, I was able to cut down on work to only two or three days a week. Seemed great at first. Now I can relax and kick back. WRONG! I began filling that time with regular visits to the liquor store. Part of my structure was going to the gym a lot. Well, I got drunk and burned myself real bad and messed up my knees, so didn't go to the gym for almost two months. Now I have no structure and LOTS OF DOWN TIME. For two months, all I did was drink and have blackouts. I got back in my routine, worked more, got back in the gym and went back to AA. Maybe you should try to make a daily plan on things you like to do, than follow through. Good luck.

Zeepa

I dont have any religious/total and utter submission base to my method either. Do you workout much? I go on about exercise a lot but its been a huge game changer for me. Think quick, intense bursts of cardio (look up HIIT), it only takes 10-15 mins a day and the endorphin rush is HUGE. Without it I would have failed by now for sure.