Boyfriend just decided to get sober, need advice on how to help!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 2
Boyfriend just decided to get sober, need advice on how to help!
New to the site and looking for some advice! No idea what to do...
I have been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years and we live together. Before we met, he was drinking heavily almost every night. He then began to switch over to smoking weed daily around the time that we started dating. He still drank occasionally on the weekends, however.
We are both young (I'm just out of college) and so a lot of what we would do on weekends with friends would involve drinking, and it typically still does.
Both my boyfriend and I tend to drink somewhat heavily when we drink on weekend nights. We've both known for awhile that we have trouble with alcohol. However, over the past few months he has stopped smoking weed (in order to pass a drug test for his job) and has began drinking more on the weekdays as well. Also, when we drank with friends on weekends he was drinking more heavily than usual. I was concerned, but did not think that it would turn into a real problem. Until...
A few nights ago I went to the gym in the evening and when I came back, he seemed drunk. I asked him repeatedly that night if he was drunk and he continued to say no, he was just tired. Confused, but wanting to believe that this was true, I accepted that. Then the next night he again seemed intoxicated, but not as obviously so I didn't say anything. Tonight I saw a CVS bag on our bed and asked if he went to CVS today. He said yes and quickly wadded up the bags with the receipt and put them in the trash I found the receipt later tonight, and, of course, he had bought whiskey that is apparently hidden somewhere in the apartment right now.
I confronted him immediately about it and he owned up to it and said "I guess I'm an alcoholic." He felt super ****** about lying to me, but who knows when he ever would've told me if I hadn't found out on my own? We agreed that we would both stop drinking. But he said that he doesn't think he can stop drinking without smoking weed. Of course I know he is stronger than this, how do I make him see that? How do I help him in general? This is all very new to me!
Should I go with him to an open AA meeting? He admitted that he thinks he is an alcoholic but I think the thought of this would scare him.
Also, I think if he went to an AA meeting and compared himself to more severe alcoholics that it might convince him that he doesn't actually have a problem.
So many questions! What do I dooo?
I have been dating my boyfriend for over 3 years and we live together. Before we met, he was drinking heavily almost every night. He then began to switch over to smoking weed daily around the time that we started dating. He still drank occasionally on the weekends, however.
We are both young (I'm just out of college) and so a lot of what we would do on weekends with friends would involve drinking, and it typically still does.
Both my boyfriend and I tend to drink somewhat heavily when we drink on weekend nights. We've both known for awhile that we have trouble with alcohol. However, over the past few months he has stopped smoking weed (in order to pass a drug test for his job) and has began drinking more on the weekdays as well. Also, when we drank with friends on weekends he was drinking more heavily than usual. I was concerned, but did not think that it would turn into a real problem. Until...
A few nights ago I went to the gym in the evening and when I came back, he seemed drunk. I asked him repeatedly that night if he was drunk and he continued to say no, he was just tired. Confused, but wanting to believe that this was true, I accepted that. Then the next night he again seemed intoxicated, but not as obviously so I didn't say anything. Tonight I saw a CVS bag on our bed and asked if he went to CVS today. He said yes and quickly wadded up the bags with the receipt and put them in the trash I found the receipt later tonight, and, of course, he had bought whiskey that is apparently hidden somewhere in the apartment right now.
I confronted him immediately about it and he owned up to it and said "I guess I'm an alcoholic." He felt super ****** about lying to me, but who knows when he ever would've told me if I hadn't found out on my own? We agreed that we would both stop drinking. But he said that he doesn't think he can stop drinking without smoking weed. Of course I know he is stronger than this, how do I make him see that? How do I help him in general? This is all very new to me!
Should I go with him to an open AA meeting? He admitted that he thinks he is an alcoholic but I think the thought of this would scare him.
Also, I think if he went to an AA meeting and compared himself to more severe alcoholics that it might convince him that he doesn't actually have a problem.
So many questions! What do I dooo?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Mind your own business when it comes to him, his drinking and drug use because you can not cure him, control him and you did not cause his drinking and smoking.
If you feel you have an alcohol problem, take care of it now. Take care of YOU. Do what you need to do for you! If he's getting in the way of your recovery, cut him lose. You said you're young. Do you really want to live a lifetime with this nonsense? You have enough to deal with regarding your own alcohol issues.
You did not birth this dude. He's not your problem.
If you feel you have an alcohol problem, take care of it now. Take care of YOU. Do what you need to do for you! If he's getting in the way of your recovery, cut him lose. You said you're young. Do you really want to live a lifetime with this nonsense? You have enough to deal with regarding your own alcohol issues.
You did not birth this dude. He's not your problem.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by Sld9213 
Should I go with him to an open AA meeting? He admitted that he thinks he is an alcoholic but I think the thought of this would scare him.
Also, I think if he went to an AA meeting and compared himself to more severe alcoholics that it might convince him that he doesn't actually have a problem.
Also, I think if he went to an AA meeting and compared himself to more severe alcoholics that it might convince him that he doesn't actually have a problem.
You may be right but he could also see that he is in for trouble if he doesn't get a grip. My RAH hadn't done everything he hears but a lot of it he could relate to. Even if it isn't the physical aspect (swallowing vomit cuz you don't want to waste your booze, searching parking lots for a quarter to buy 1 can of beer...) most can relate to the reasons behind the drinking or the thoughts and feelings surrounding it.
Maybe instead of you thinking about what he could do, you could ask him what he plans to do? He admitted he has a problem, now what? Does he want to quit? Is he ready to? This isn't anything you can do for him, if he wants it he has to work for it. There isn't anything wrong with you going to meetings. There may even be a lot that you can relate to as well.
You guys are facing a problem. You realize that and that's a good thing. What you decide to do is totally up to you. What will you do if he decides to do nothing?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR--glad you found your way here. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope to be found in this community.
One of the first things I'd recommend for you would be to read as much as you can here. You'll doubtless recognize parts of various stories from your own life. Also make sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. There's a lot of great info there that will help you educate yourself about alcoholism and what you can and can't do about it. Here's a thread you might find helpful right now: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
It would be a good idea to get to some Alanon meetings, too. Here's a link to help you find them: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ SR is a wonderful, supportive community, but it's a good idea to have some support in the real world as well.
On re-reading your post, I see that you drink heavily at times also. Do you have concerns about your own drinking? If so, maybe AA would be a good idea for both of you--but although it might be tempting to do it "together", I think you each might find more benefit from going to separate meetings where you can each share freely w/o concerns that some of it may be things you are not ready to share with your partner yet.
If in fact your partner is an A, chances are very good that what you know about, as far as his drinking, is the tip of the iceberg. You may learn a lot more as time goes on, and it may be hard to hear...
Don't feel you have to make any decisions right now--take a little time to educate yourself, get to some AA/Alanon meetings, and get your feet under you. Once you do these things, you'll start to see more clearly what you want to do. Do please bear in mind, though, that alcoholism is a progressive disease and will only get worse if the A doesn't seek recovery. He has to do this for himself, and you can't really "help" in any way.
Again, welcome to SR. Wishing you strength and clarity going forward.
One of the first things I'd recommend for you would be to read as much as you can here. You'll doubtless recognize parts of various stories from your own life. Also make sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. There's a lot of great info there that will help you educate yourself about alcoholism and what you can and can't do about it. Here's a thread you might find helpful right now: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
It would be a good idea to get to some Alanon meetings, too. Here's a link to help you find them: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ SR is a wonderful, supportive community, but it's a good idea to have some support in the real world as well.
On re-reading your post, I see that you drink heavily at times also. Do you have concerns about your own drinking? If so, maybe AA would be a good idea for both of you--but although it might be tempting to do it "together", I think you each might find more benefit from going to separate meetings where you can each share freely w/o concerns that some of it may be things you are not ready to share with your partner yet.
If in fact your partner is an A, chances are very good that what you know about, as far as his drinking, is the tip of the iceberg. You may learn a lot more as time goes on, and it may be hard to hear...
Don't feel you have to make any decisions right now--take a little time to educate yourself, get to some AA/Alanon meetings, and get your feet under you. Once you do these things, you'll start to see more clearly what you want to do. Do please bear in mind, though, that alcoholism is a progressive disease and will only get worse if the A doesn't seek recovery. He has to do this for himself, and you can't really "help" in any way.
Again, welcome to SR. Wishing you strength and clarity going forward.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
YOU CAN'T THINK HIS WAY SOBER FOR HIM.
AA meetings, seeing worse off alcoholics then him.........too much thinking on your part already.
Here's where you start..........he admitted after being caught that he has a drinking problem......now it's all up to him on how he is going to address it or not address it. At this point all you can do is wait and watch.
Where your THINKING should be is what YOU are going to do moving forward if he does nothing and continues to drink.
AA meetings, seeing worse off alcoholics then him.........too much thinking on your part already.
Here's where you start..........he admitted after being caught that he has a drinking problem......now it's all up to him on how he is going to address it or not address it. At this point all you can do is wait and watch.
Where your THINKING should be is what YOU are going to do moving forward if he does nothing and continues to drink.
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 179
Of course I know he is stronger than this, how do I make him see that? How do I help him in general? This is all very new to me!
If he is an A he actually isn't stronger than it without help. He needs help - counseling, AA, rehab, whatever works for him. He needs to figure that out for himself though and nothing you do can do that for him. I'd recommend you get counseling for yourself to start thinking through your options and what is best for you regardless of whether he stops drinking or not.
If he is an A he actually isn't stronger than it without help. He needs help - counseling, AA, rehab, whatever works for him. He needs to figure that out for himself though and nothing you do can do that for him. I'd recommend you get counseling for yourself to start thinking through your options and what is best for you regardless of whether he stops drinking or not.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 10
My heart goes out to you, because I think it's so hard to make such serious, important decisions when you're a very young adult and in that "life is a party" phase. A few things I have learned from this group (I'm new here, too): he has to decide for himself that he wants help, and you can be supportive without being his mommy.
If he tells you he wants help, you can share what you know -- that people highly recommend AA, and that he should look on the AA web site to find local meetings. People here have recommended the book "Under the Influence" (I got it on Amazon Kindle for like $6.), which could be very helpful for both of you. But beyond that, it will have to be his recovery, and his decisions.
Since you said you may have your own issues with alcohol, by all means, go to an AA meeting. You could go together, or not. Some cities have women-only AA groups, too, if you would feel more comfortable.
Regardless of what AB decides to do, I would suggest you find some new ways to spend your time that don't involve drinking, just to get away from it and develop healthier behaviors for your own good. Just out of college, you can have so many good things ahead of you -- when I look back, I wish I hadn't wasted so many years in that empty, unfulfilling party lifestyle.
Whatever you do, I hope you tread very carefully before moving forward with AB in your relationship. He's clearly sick -- and he will always be an alcoholic, even if he does well in recovery. You don't have kids, you're not married, so you are not trapped with him in any way at this point -- keep it that way until you both have gotten healthy and stayed healthy.
And don't let him make you think pot is an acceptable substitute for drinking -- believe me, my dad had a daily pot habit for 30 years. It was not cool, he was only mellow when he was sky-high, and 80% of the time he was a total a-hole. Just some food for thought.
Best wishes to you!
If he tells you he wants help, you can share what you know -- that people highly recommend AA, and that he should look on the AA web site to find local meetings. People here have recommended the book "Under the Influence" (I got it on Amazon Kindle for like $6.), which could be very helpful for both of you. But beyond that, it will have to be his recovery, and his decisions.
Since you said you may have your own issues with alcohol, by all means, go to an AA meeting. You could go together, or not. Some cities have women-only AA groups, too, if you would feel more comfortable.
Regardless of what AB decides to do, I would suggest you find some new ways to spend your time that don't involve drinking, just to get away from it and develop healthier behaviors for your own good. Just out of college, you can have so many good things ahead of you -- when I look back, I wish I hadn't wasted so many years in that empty, unfulfilling party lifestyle.
Whatever you do, I hope you tread very carefully before moving forward with AB in your relationship. He's clearly sick -- and he will always be an alcoholic, even if he does well in recovery. You don't have kids, you're not married, so you are not trapped with him in any way at this point -- keep it that way until you both have gotten healthy and stayed healthy.
And don't let him make you think pot is an acceptable substitute for drinking -- believe me, my dad had a daily pot habit for 30 years. It was not cool, he was only mellow when he was sky-high, and 80% of the time he was a total a-hole. Just some food for thought.
Best wishes to you!
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