9111111

I recently read in the ACOA forum that trying to become invisible is a common coping strategy of children of alcoholics to deal with the insanity in their lives.

This made me wonder if I started developing the same coping strategy when living with an unpredictable dual diagnosis alcoholic in my 20ties (NC for over a year).
Recently I was offered a promotion to a more "socially visible" position in my company. While I like the idea of a new challenge, the prospect of "willingly exposing myself to more potential out of control drama" (this is how it feels to me - not sure how rational that is) is holding me back.

So question is: Anyone else became invisible and drama avoidant? Has living with alcoholism affected your life and career decisions?

Thanks!

steelman1649

Speaking only to career decisions...I have had trouble with my current position as some of the emotional damage done by my AW has effected my ability to remain focused on my job. Sometimes I am forced to hide out in the bathroom at work for a few minutes as some emotions spill over, or miss work due to emotional instability. It's become even more difficult as I've been going back to school and have that additional stress now.

I may be getting promoted in a couple of weeks and have great fears about my home life effecting my new job. It's going to mean much more attention to detail, stress, and focus to succeed in this new role. My greatest fear is that it will be too much, or I will not be able to handle it all and do a poor job.

Ultimately I'm going for it as I have to seperate my own personal career goals from my life with the AW. I hope you can do the same.

JustAGirl1971

I'm an ACOA married to an alcoholic. Both my father & my husband are high functioning alcoholics. Ironically, I think it's my marriage that's made me feel invisible more so than my childhood.

Looking back, I can see that my need for approval probably does stem from neglect in my childhood. I'm 42 and have only realized that I was neglected as a child within the last year. My parents were great at providing material things and opportunities, but not so great at giving me time, attention, or the emotional investment that kids need. Dad was either too busy working (self-employed workaholic) or drinking. Mom was too busy worrying about Dad and taking care of everything else. I guess I probably did feel invisible to a degree, but my parents were not abusive. I had no problem stating how I felt or arguing my point. I think I just learned that to not be invisible, I had to speak LOUDLY and often, lol

That did NOT work in my marriage. My AH is also an ACOA but there was some abuse in his home. He does not deal well with negative emotions! In the beginning, I used the same skills I'd learned in childhood (be LOUD and argue your point until someone hears) to our marriage. Unfortunately, he used the tools he'd learned. Namely, verbal abuse, and when that didn't work, some physical abuse. We both tried hard to change. The problem is, we didn't seek outside help so our new coping mechanisms were no more healthy than our previous coping mechanisms. We just stopped communicating and let the resentments build.

My family of origin describes me as loud and argumentative... my children describe me as meek and passive. Quite the contradiction. I do feel invisible now.

And, yes, alcoholism has affected my career and life decisions. I can see now that I've made too many of my decisions based on what I think other people wanted or expected from me rather than based on what I want. And, like Steelman, I can not concentrate on my work Hopefully, that will change once AH moves out and I begin rebuilding my home with my children.

Thanks for the topic, 9111111. This post has been cathartic for me

JustAGirl1971

Forgot to say: Congratulations on the possible promotion Whether it's right for you or not, and whether you accept or decline it, you've earned it and should be proud of your accomplishments!

ladyscribbler

Anyone else became invisible and drama avoidant? Has living with alcoholism affected your life and career decisions?

Yes. I have avoided jobs where I would have to deal with the public, and I have trouble forming relationships with people- friendships, etc. I never used to be able to say no to any request, no matter how unreasonable and I used to avoid voicing any complaints or disagreements and then simmer with resentment. I am getting better about the last two, and learning to take responsibility for my own happiness. I'm also finding my voice in what would probably be small and insignificant matters to a "normie", but they are a big deal to me. Every little step I take brings me a little closer to the person I want to be, though I'm still pretty shy and tend to avoid social situations. That's OK. Baby steps, right?

BlueSkies1

"willingly exposing myself to more potential out of control drama" (this is how it feels to me - not sure how rational that is) is holding me back.

On the scales of reward--does the potential drama outweigh the reward of the promotion?
Maybe it is holding you back. Maybe it is not holding you back, but you are making a good decision to stay away from that drama.
So which is it...
Overly adverse to drama? Or protecting yourself from it?
The scale of rewards--how does it lean?

lillamy

Wow. I didn't even realize this was a side effect of living with an A.
But sure. Absolutely.
I used to have a visible and loud position in the world. And that pretty much ends when I married AXH. Can't believe I didn't make the connection myself. Because since I married him, I took back seat positions. I've been a great voice-behind-the-throne for people who have been in the limelight for over 20 years. I was just offered a job with more visibility and I'm still pondering it but I absolutely abhor the idea. Whereas 30 years ago I would have jumped at the chance.

NWGRITS

I'm an ACoA. Never taken to being visible. I like being in the corps, way in the back dancing with everyone else. Invisible. Any time I get into a position of note, I choke. Whether it's nerves or self-sabotage, I can never hack it. I hate that about myself, but I don't do a darn thing to change it. This thread has sparked a lot of thought, so thank you for that.

Stung

Hmmm...I dunno. I absolutely hate drama and I hate being the center of attention (I was forced into having a bridal shower and skipped baby showers for both of my children, much to the horror of my co-workers when I was pregnant with my first) but I'm not an adult child of an alcoholic. With that said, I LOVE LOVE LOVE being praised and earning rewards. The bigger and wider ranging that praise is, the better. But I have definitely been isolating myself over the last few months since things started going really sideways with RAH. He also loves attention and is very charismatic, so usually I just bask in his limelight and enjoy being engaged but not directly in the light. Plus, I'm an accountant so I pretty much work solo in an office, at home or in an one on one atmosphere. Public speaking makes me crazy and I thought I'd die when I took public speaking in college. I've thought about asking for beta blockers from my doctor before because I get so frazzled when I'm on the spot in front of a group of people.

Good luck to you and Steelman!

9111111

Congrats on the promotion! For me it felt so great to see my hard work got recognized instead of just taken for granted (as it was the case with the alcoholic in my life, but I know I played a role in this too..).
Emotions taking the better part of me sometimes - been there, done that. So frustrating at times, yet a great reminder that all the drama was affecting me more than I was ready to acknoledge at that time.

Could not have said it better, thanks for that!
Now with the alcoholic removed from my life, the experiences of the past and the role I played in them more or less digested, and my last project finished, I really started to wonder if my career goals haven't changed, yet with work and alcohol drama I was too busy to notice at that time.
Time will tell I guess. Great to read your thoughts, helps me clear my mind. Thank you!

DoubleDragons

Thanks for bringing this up. I never thought that my need for a lot of "alone time" and e my enjoyment of being the side show to others was related to my childhood drama. (I am mostly a stay-at-home mom to a very successful, outgoing set of kids and husband) My other job it to be a personal assistant to a very gregarious business owner. Wow. Things that make you go hmmm. Thank you.

9111111

@JustAGirl1971 - WOW, thank you so much for your thoughts. Gave me a lot to think about, so helpful really, still trying to put the pieces together in my head, but wow thanks again, I admire your clarity.

I'm sure life gets easier once your husband moves out. Getting a realistic sense of what was really going on in my life, and detaching from the drama was a great way to evict the insanity from my mind, detaching geographically brought back the happiness, peace and quiet.

9111111

Between work and insanity I almost lost my sense of self. Figuring out again who I want to be is a lot of work, and having that one figured out and being ready to take steps in this direction is a HUGE accomplishment. Congrats!

9111111

That's a lot of very good questions, Thanks BlueSkies!

Risks and rewards and how much am I going to invest. In the past I was never one to shy away from calculated risk.
Having been in the business for so long makes you aware that some people are fake and not everyone has your best interest in mind, it's the nature of the game, you are proud of your accomplishments and you grow with your losses.

Meeting this person shook me at my core, hard to explain but it changed the parameters of how I would define risk, altered my perception of how much control I have and how much damage people can bring to my life.

Maybe staying away from the drama is a good decision, I will need to think about it more. Thank you for your wisdom.

9111111

I see what I see in my daily life and I read about King Baby...Sometimes I wonder if there was a throne without the voice behind it?

9111111

Wow, self-sabotage, great great point, thanks for bringing that up, that was what I was looking for. I really wonder, is it self-sabotaging by hiding or nerves, gut feeling and self-protection, it is hard to figure out, but I'm sure time will tell us. Thanks for your great comment!

patientlywaitin

I'm also an acoa and married to a ra. I have had my career goals set in my mind for the longest time but started doubting myself as of lately. I don't know if it's invisibility I'm looking for or just a realization that I really don't want to waste time, energy and money on a career I won't take joy in? I've been in my field for 7yrs now with very little gratification. I know it comes with the territory (healthcare) but but I wonder if it gets better? I also wonder if my doubts are a projection of the feelings I have at home sometimes. Sometimes I wish people didn't depend on me so much, sometimes I just need a break. So the thought of adding to that makes me question if it's the right decision. I have a few months to figure it all out.

LifeRecovery

I don't like to be in the middle of the fray, and I prefer to be outside observing. Not really invisible, but not completely present also.

Has anyone read the book Quiet? It is about introverts in an extroverted culture. I am not a strong introvert, and as I have progressed in my recovery many of my tendancies in that regard have shifted. I kind of feel like for me I am now acting more toward my true authentic self.

Many people are introverts though, and it is not about recovery, it is about who they are.

I have been curious how much of some of this is intrinsic personality pieces vs the overlay of addiction for some time now. This thread brings up some interesting points.

SoloMio

Absolutely!!!!

Here are just two examples of how I "feared failure but sabotaged success":

a) In college I LOVED one particular part of my theatre degree--working for a particular organization that developed theatre techniques in education. I went to several workshops voluntarily and fully immersed myself in their program. So two weeks after I graduated they called me and asked if I would like to intern for them. I SAID NO!!??!! Instead, I worked in downtown Bridgeport CT in a warehouse at a job I hated.

b) I eventually got a job at a major broadcasting network in NY. Everyone said I had a great future, even though I was a woman in a male-dominated department back in the70s. So I applied for a master's degree at NYU's Graduate School of Broadcasting, and got accepted in the summer of 76. That summer AH proposed to me, and I said yes. I completely dropped my plans to go to grad school in the fall, using the excuse that I had a wedding to plan. I never did break through the glass ceiling in spite of all the encouragement I got from my peers. I stayed working at a low-wage job until I was 46--and that's another whole story.

It is beyond my comprehension, but that is exactly what you are talking about. Just being afraid to shine. It's such a waste.

Please--take the opportunity to shine! You are so worth it.

9111111