The first few days are grueling
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
The first few days are grueling
I was reflecting this morning on how unimaginably physically, mentally and emotionally difficult the first few days after making the decision to quit are. By the time I finally stopped drinking, my hangovers had turned into withdrawals and would last the better part of 4 or 5 days.
Just when I would start to get my bearings back, I would choose to drink again and repeat the whole process over again. Ad infinitum. And the depression and anxiety would come rolling back in, each time with more vengeance and more determination to keep me right where I was.
Stuck.
In a vicious spin cycle of Groundhog Day like misery. Day in and day out of the same hell that I would perpetually choose to suffer through only to be reeled back in by the promise of a former love who had far too long ago stopped giving me what I needed.
Maybe if I try it this way, or that way, or only on weekends, or after 5:00 pm, or only clear, or only wine, maybe beer ? Or with food ? Or without food ?
Good God. How utterly exhausting.
My reason for this diatribe is to reach out to those of us who are just stepping on this journey. Or stepping on it again. Or again and again and again.
And share just how absolutely IMPERATIVE it is to give yourself a some REAL SOBER time in order to see if sobriety will give you the out you are seeking.
A few days here, and few weeks there. Thats good. Any day not poisoning yourself is good. BUT (and that a mighty BIG BUT) it doesn't give you "time off for good behavior". When we drink again, we go right back to square one. That's the way this beast works.
It doesn't work, (in the way we are wanting it to REALLY work), until you genuinely spend some solid time away from the toxins. Yes, you will feel better after you feel like death, but the physiological and psychological benefits don't start adding up, really adding up, until you get some time under your belt.
Don't give up. On you. Those first few weeks are difficult beyond measure, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
And the "real" you is waiting there.
Fight. Harder.
XO AO
Just when I would start to get my bearings back, I would choose to drink again and repeat the whole process over again. Ad infinitum. And the depression and anxiety would come rolling back in, each time with more vengeance and more determination to keep me right where I was.
Stuck.
In a vicious spin cycle of Groundhog Day like misery. Day in and day out of the same hell that I would perpetually choose to suffer through only to be reeled back in by the promise of a former love who had far too long ago stopped giving me what I needed.
Maybe if I try it this way, or that way, or only on weekends, or after 5:00 pm, or only clear, or only wine, maybe beer ? Or with food ? Or without food ?
Good God. How utterly exhausting.
My reason for this diatribe is to reach out to those of us who are just stepping on this journey. Or stepping on it again. Or again and again and again.
And share just how absolutely IMPERATIVE it is to give yourself a some REAL SOBER time in order to see if sobriety will give you the out you are seeking.
A few days here, and few weeks there. Thats good. Any day not poisoning yourself is good. BUT (and that a mighty BIG BUT) it doesn't give you "time off for good behavior". When we drink again, we go right back to square one. That's the way this beast works.
It doesn't work, (in the way we are wanting it to REALLY work), until you genuinely spend some solid time away from the toxins. Yes, you will feel better after you feel like death, but the physiological and psychological benefits don't start adding up, really adding up, until you get some time under your belt.
Don't give up. On you. Those first few weeks are difficult beyond measure, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.
And the "real" you is waiting there.
Fight. Harder.
XO AO
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
I had a slightly different experience. I quit in October 2012 for 30 days. I did not get the 30 days and I smoked pot during this time. I was training for MMA at the time and was sobering up for fear that I was an alcoholic but also to shed weight - the booze my trainer and I both felt was affecting my weight loss. Anyhow, I went back to drinking and I drank hard and with a purpose. I am not sure why but I made up for any lost time.
My trainer then had an affair with my best friend's wife - not sure if it was emotional or physical or both. Anyhow, the guy I was trusting had let me down and I went off the rails. I drank with a full on purpose from Feb of last year until August. Most of the seven months were blacked out.
This time I quit to set an example for my wife and also form the caloric intake to get in shape. But something change - one I went through physical detox, two I began a recovery program early one. I have posted much of my journey here and have had ups and downs. In the process I have made some friends here of all places like you SFAM.
For me though the biggest change has been implementing the recovery part to the sobriety. This started to really peel back the onion in a way I would never have been able to do while using or drinking and has changed my life.
I will echo AO's comments about never wanted to go back to those early days - it acts as a deterrent but the mind is powerful and will help you forget in this process. I hit 5 months next week.
My trainer then had an affair with my best friend's wife - not sure if it was emotional or physical or both. Anyhow, the guy I was trusting had let me down and I went off the rails. I drank with a full on purpose from Feb of last year until August. Most of the seven months were blacked out.
This time I quit to set an example for my wife and also form the caloric intake to get in shape. But something change - one I went through physical detox, two I began a recovery program early one. I have posted much of my journey here and have had ups and downs. In the process I have made some friends here of all places like you SFAM.
For me though the biggest change has been implementing the recovery part to the sobriety. This started to really peel back the onion in a way I would never have been able to do while using or drinking and has changed my life.
I will echo AO's comments about never wanted to go back to those early days - it acts as a deterrent but the mind is powerful and will help you forget in this process. I hit 5 months next week.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by Pataphor 
dont quit, fight harder, stay the course, buckle down, day at a time, group hug. Does anyone...anyone at all....have issues after 2 weeks with Ennui and or Rage?
I f*in do.
I f*in do.
Ennui and Rage are nothing more than emotions. Just like joy and bliss. Emotions. The darker side, the ones we don't like to feel or face, but emotions nonetheless.
Sit with them. They aint gonna kill you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by Mags1
jdooner, know what you mean about the onion, peel, peel, peel, yet another layer, who am I
Mags - I find that as I peel the desire to drink increases. I no longer believe that my AV or whatever you want to call it is a "beast" or a bad thing. In fact, I actually think that its a mechanism to protect me. Drinking allows me to cope and when I am about to learn and face more stuff about myself in recovery my brain says, no way man take a drink, get happy and silly again. I just kind of came to this epiphany for myself, as I have geared up to peel another layer back and deal with some more serious self issues:-)
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by jdooner
BTW AO - Great thread.
Mags - I find that as I peel the desire to drink increases. I no longer believe that my AV or whatever you want to call it is a "beast" or a bad thing. In fact, I actually think that its a mechanism to protect me. Drinking allows me to cope and when I am about to learn and face more stuff about myself in recovery my brain says, no way man take a drink, get happy and silly again. I just kind of came to this epiphany for myself, as I have geared up to peel another layer back and deal with some more serious self issues:-)
Mags - I find that as I peel the desire to drink increases. I no longer believe that my AV or whatever you want to call it is a "beast" or a bad thing. In fact, I actually think that its a mechanism to protect me. Drinking allows me to cope and when I am about to learn and face more stuff about myself in recovery my brain says, no way man take a drink, get happy and silly again. I just kind of came to this epiphany for myself, as I have geared up to peel another layer back and deal with some more serious self issues:-)
There is no "protection". Its just sidelining you from true healing. S.O.B. just found another mask to wear and hide behind.
And that, my BFAM, is not a good thing.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Well said, alphaomega. It truly is torture. No one but an alcoholic can survive the way we drink, and the things we do during and after drinking. Sobriety demands that we live in the moment, if only because we either drink or don't drink in the moment.
I don't make the rules, but it seems to me that what I do right now will influence what I do later. And when I am in a bad place later, then I need to change what I do right now.
I don't make the rules, but it seems to me that what I do right now will influence what I do later. And when I am in a bad place later, then I need to change what I do right now.
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