Myo470

Hello, I have been with my boyfriend for over six months now and so far, things have been great... Except for his drinking. He feels the need to drink every single day almost right in front of me. He drinks I would say at least four days out of the week. He also wastes nearly all of his money on alcohol and then wonders why he doesn't have money to see friends, buy textbooks, or fill up his car. He knows that the drinking bothers me and knows that it gives me panic attacks but just will not slow down no matter what I do or say. These are outrageous amounts and any time I suggest stopping for the night because it's upsetting me, I get told that he doesn't need a babysitter and the discussion ends there him grouchy and my feelings shattered. I've had many sleepless nights over this and much heart break. He can't understand how much it hurts me when he drinks or how close he is to losing me.

I feel like whenever he drinks, he's not himself anymore. He's not the man that I fell in love with. He gets rude with me so that he may continue drinking and gets angry with me if I express my feelings honestly with him. I feel like with the amount he drinks that he has to drink to have a good time with me... He drinks almost every time we're together even though he knows that it grates at my nerves. Whenever he drinks and then acts in crude ways or tries to apologize later (even though I've heard the "I'm sorry, I care about you a lot" one before, it was really a lot funnier the first couple of retellings, now it's just a stale joke) and he just doesn't seem to get how much this hurts me on a personal level.

Both of his parents know of his problem as he is twenty-three and lives at home. Both have banned alcohol from the house but he just sneaks it in anyway and continues what he's doing. I've thought of exposing him before to his mother and getting him caught, but that seems like a massive violation of trust.

I used to have an abuse problem a few years ago and have just now recently recovered. It started after I lost my grandfather and a few other unfortunate life events sprang up and I'm past all of that now. I guess this is why it hurts that much more, because I used to be an abuser of alcohol. Does him drinking around me make me want to relapse? No. It tears me apart emotionally and mentally.

I just don't understand why he feels that he HAS to drink as much as he does. Why does he HAVE to buy it so many times a week? Why does he NEED five or six beers in a sitting almost every single night? (This is a low estimate, he HAS cut back SOME) Why does he continue hurting me if he really does care about me?

I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I came here looking for both advice and others that might understand what I'm going through. I really don' know the path to take... Do I leave him for the sake of my own health? Do I try to hang on in hopes that things get better and he finally gets it? Do I tell him out front that I'm having thoughts of leaving and that this is becoming too much for me?

I have days where I don't even want to see him just because he might go out to buy alcohol or might be drinking. I know for certain that he's drinking again tonight (because I told him that if he was going to spend the night drinking, then I was going home and I didn't want to see that and so he had four yesterday and stopped but was sure to insult me and be grumpy the entire evening just to "show" me) and I'm even debating spending time with him. It's aversive, it hurts, and I'm getting sick of it. What do I do?

Pia

He feels the need to drink every single day almost right in front of me. He drinks I would say at least four days out of the week. He also wastes nearly all of his money on alcohol and then wonders why he doesn't have money to see friends, buy textbooks, or fill up his car. He knows that the drinking bothers me and knows that it gives me panic attacks but just will not slow down no matter what I do or say
[B]
RED FLAGS

Both of his parents know of his problem as he is twenty-three and lives at home. Both have banned alcohol from the house but he just sneaks it in anyway and continues what he's doing.
NO RESPECT FOR ANYONE"S AUTHORITY

I just don't understand why he feels that he HAS to drink as much as he does. Why does he HAVE to buy it so many times a week? Why does he NEED five or six beers in a sitting almost every single night? (This is a low estimate, he HAS cut back SOME) Why does he continue hurting me if he really does care about me?

You will continue to run in circles with this question as long as you are with him.

Myo470

Just another detail: He thinks just because he never drinks to being drunk that it's still magically okay. As for example, last week, he bought a bottle of vodka. This wasn't just the standard size, this was the next size up. He apparently never got drunk and was spacing out his drinks throughout the night with water, but still drank damn near the entire bottle in one evening. He thought he could justify his actions by not allowing himself to peak into drunk but kept drinking because "I want to stay buzzed, I'm losing my buzz" . He'll also drain eight plus beers on some evenings but will pretend that it's okay just because he spaces them. How does he not see that it's not okay to drink a bottle of vodka in a night or to drink beers almost every single week night of the week? He knows how much he's busting me up but selfishly does this anyway. I'm at my wit's end.

And then there's always the tipsy late night crawl into bed and attempt to cuddle with "I'm so sorry I hurt your feelings and made you upset a while ago. I'm sorry that I upset you, I don't mean to do that outright. It's not why I do this. I care about you so much and I love you." All I can do most nights when this happens is lay there and cry trying to believe his **** if only for a night's sense of peace of mind. Last night, I couldn't even work up the will to roll over to face him or to barely even speak to him and only replied to his usual talk with sarcastic "Aha"'s.

ladyscribbler

I have been with my boyfriend for over six months now and so far, things have been great
I'm even debating spending time with him. It's aversive, it hurts, and I'm getting sick of it.
This is the first sentence and last sentence of your post. Without all the stories and justifications in between, this is it. Things have been great but it hurts you to spend time with him. Why do you think you're so hung up on this relationship? Why are you having a hard time setting boundaries for yourself with a man who doesn't care how you feel, and is only capable of having a deep relationship with a bottle? At 23 he is just starting out and so are you. What if you started over working on yourself and became a healthy person who felt she deserved better than this? If you want a deeper understanding of alcoholism and why he feels he "needs" to drink the way he does, there are some stickies on the top of the F&F home page. They are a good way to start educating yourself about the disease of alcoholism.

Hawkeye13

Welcome to SR;

It sure doesn't sound like "things have been great" to me based on your description of life with a full-blown alcoholic. Since it is progressive, things will get worse.

You only have six months in. Run like crazy away from this person or get dragged down.
He may be a wonderful person not drinking, but drinking is the biggest part of his picture right now.

Take care of yourself. The saying is "let go or get dragged" when dealing with an addict.

atalose

You are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment constantly when YOU compare his drinking over your feelings.
He knows that the drinking bothers you.
He gets rude to you.
You feel he needs to drink in order to be with you.
He knows that it grates on your nerves.
He acts in crude ways or constantly gives you empty apologies.
You’re FEELING that his drinking is a chose over YOUR feelings as if he’s drinking at you or about you. That’s not healthy thinking and if it were only a choice for alcoholics to either pick up a drink or remain in a loving relationship there wouldn’t be such a thing called ALCOHISM.
Whether or not he is an alcoholic shouldn’t even be a question, the question should really be why would you stick around for un-acceptable behavior?
It’s great YOU were able to recognize a drinking problem in your own life and were able to turn that around……….he is telling you and showing you HE is NOT READY to stop.
6 months is still in the getting to know you stage and now you know that this person makes you FEEL bad about yourself and question yourself, but you did come looking for advise and the best advice is in the ending of your own post:

You are setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment constantly when YOU compare his drinking over your feelings.

He knows that the drinking bothers you.

He gets rude to you.

You feel he needs to drink in order to be with you.

He knows that it grates on your nerves.

He acts in crude ways or constantly gives you empty apologies.

You’re FEELING that his drinking is a choice over YOUR feelings as if he’s drinking at you or about you. That’s not healthy thinking and if it were only a choice for alcoholics to either pick up a drink or remain in a loving relationship there wouldn’t be such a thing called ALCOHISM.

Whether or not he is an alcoholic shouldn’t even be a question, the question should really be why would you stick around for un-acceptable behavior?
It’s great YOU were able to recognize a drinking problem in your own life and were able to turn that around……….he is telling you and showing you HE is NOT READY to stop.
6 months is still in the getting to know you stage and now you know that this person makes you FEEL bad about yourself and question yourself, but you did come looking for advise and the best advice is to walk away and end your misery.....6 months is enough time to figure out WHAT YOU DONT WANT.

SparkleKitty

He's not drinking AT you. He is an alcoholic and until he decides on his own to seek recovery, he will continuing behaving this way. Trying to reason with an active addict is a lost cause -- you are not dealing with an emotionally healthy individual who wants to make the best choices for himself and for your relationship.

That's the reality of your situation. What you do with that is up to you, but I can tell you all the nagging, pleading, crying, begging, and reasoning in the world never got me anywhere with my XABF. The only problem anyone had with how much he drank was me. When I finally realized that I didn't Cause his drinking, couldn't Control his drinking, and certainly couldn't Cure his drinking, and more importantly, that I deserved to be with someone who could be a full and present partner in a relationship, I moved on. It's my understanding that he is still drinking today and bopping from one new enabler to another.

I know it is maddening to watch someone behave insensibly, but trying to convince an active addict that they are sick will just eventually make you sick, too, in a different way.

Good luck to you.

Sungrl

Exactly what Sparkle said. Especially the part about deserving an equal partner who reciprocates your feelings. Not one that does everything under the sun to undermine them. I went through that for 3 years. As things progressed it ate my soul. I am fine now and feel I can safely say from experience let him go, he's really not all there anyway.