Gracegrows

I watched the second episode of the new The Bachelor today, of all things. Don't judge! Reality TV is my non-chemical escape of choice.

Except it wasn't so much of an escape.

At some point during the episode, the bachelor is on a group date and one of the girls gets loaded and loses her sh!t. Crying in a bathroom stall, inconsolable, rude, and strange and begging to leave the venue, still wet in her swimsuit and without her bag or shoes.

It was a sad sight. The bachelor sent her home the next day. He decided that sort of behaviour would not be right -- not just for him, but for his daughter. I resented that, even though I understood it at the same time. Some of the other women were vaguely concerned, others saw it as a reason to feel better about themselves. They proclaimed their shock and outrage, which, really, said more about them than it did the girl.

The next day, in her talk with the Bachelor, the girl apologised and took full responsibility in a way that told me, 'this is not the first time. She has done this before.' And I felt sad for her and I understood, because I have been That Girl.

I have been That Girl approximately 5 times with my now ex. I have been That Girl on occasions with my friends.

I have gotten sloppy and cried and wandered around aimlessly and wanted to leave and then to not leave and to be held and to not be held, when the best thing would have been to just go to bed.

I still haven't quit drinking. I have in the past but not now, not yet, not again. It's like I'm waiting something out. Like I need a definition or a label or for the grieving to pass, for something.

It is sad and curious and somewhat disturbing all at the same time that I cringed with both pity and an ability to relate to that girl and yet I still can't fully own my own problem. Is it really a problem? A real one? How bad does it have to get? etc etc etc.

Anyone else been That Girl or That Guy? I'm sure you have, I'm sure this board is filled with such stories.

Gilmer

It is a very real problem. Yes, I have been publicly pathetic. You don't ever have to be that way again! Getting rid of alcohol gets rid of a lot of irrational behavior. You will have control of yourself--you will not be at the drink's mercy, being dragged all over. There is no need to humiliate yourself ever agin.

There is lots of support here. Read around the threads--you're bound to find someone somewhere speaking to where you're at at any given time--day or night!

Pipping

I made a hideous fool of myself at a work function. Colleagues took my outside at one point to get my away from the party as I was gyrating on tables and sitting on men's knees being overtly sexual. I got away from them ,went to another bar, lost my shoes and began having a tantrum on the street, crying and yelling. Taken home by a guy I barely knew and had no sexual attraction too whatsoever, slept with him and vomited myself silly the rest of the weekend. I'm actually quite a reserved, gentle person and would hate to be judged on that one night alone.

cc64

oh yes, I have been That Girl.....I cringe when I think of the all the times I made a fool of myself over a GUY. Alcohol only amplified my emotions. I finally hit a bottom on Xmas eve and even though it wasn't over a guy, it was definitely an ugly site. I don't think we ever intend to get to that point, but we do, and alcohol only feeds the situation. Maybe there are some self esteem issues that are feeding the drinking? I'm no expert, just a hopeless alcoholic that has been around the bend a few times. Hell, I'm only 21 days sober but I can definitely relate to you...

KateL

Me too, made a total ars of myself on several occasions. Now I realise that relationships are not the be all and end all, perhaps that is because I'm older. You have to learn to like yourself and everything else just slips into place. I love watching movies and shows but nowadays mostly go for upbeat, comdedy stuff. xxxx

joyousone

I have absolutely been that girl one too many times. The shame and guilt the next day are horrific for me. I got to the point where I only drink alone because I know I will loose control once I drink that first drink. Would never drink with work people, at a wedding, on a date (exactly why I don't dare go on one). I have accepted the fact that I don't drink like most people. Craving kicks in and its off to the races. The past few years are spent drinking an evening anyway all alone into oblivion. Lovely...and that is exactly why I am here on this site trying to quit drinking! Been doing much better (not with contolling alcohol) but with having sober days rather than drunk ones. Currently on day 3 at the moment. Best wishes to you that you too find a way.

FreeOwl

in a different but the same way, I've certainly been That Guy.

I'm not going to be That Guy anymore because This Guy is the Guy I am and truly value and This Guy has a far better life.

does it get better? no. It does not.

does it get worse? Yes. It absolutely does. And if you play that waiting game too long, it gets way, way, WAY worse.

I hope you don't wait too long....

Gracegrows

I hope I don't, either.

What is bottom, though, right? I don't believe I am destined to have a crazy stupid bottom. I'm also aware that some of the messier nights I've had, acting like an emotional bat in the night, would be many other people's bottoms. Saner people's bottoms.

Each their own, or something. Just working out mine. Or even just the nature of my problem.

phoebe64

Oh, I saw that show the other night. I have been that girl with my husband. More in my younger days. Not out in public.

Thinking back(when I was single), long before I considered I was an alcoholic, I can recall 2 binges that led me to sleeping with a guy I would not have otherwise. One, I might have, but I would have conducted myself better and not stayed with him that first night, after a party. I would have built a relationship *first*. Thankfully, he saw me after that, for awhile, and my behavior was good. But I shudder at the risks I took on a vacation. Away from home, truly a stranger. Thankfully, again, a nice enough guy, even wrote to me once afterwards. I really was lucky. That could have been dangerous.

If nothing else, alcohol combined with immaturity makes for very poor decision making. Ugh.

Gracegrows

I get what you're saying, definitely some emotional immaturity happening there.

I think I'm probably quite a bit older and more mature than said girl, but is that really the issue? I don't think so. I've seen grown men behave like giant, spoilt children while under the influence... otherwise good, mature, intelligent men.. and women. Nor is that how intoxication works. Yeah, that wasn't really my point.

Thanks for your input, though.

ETA: I think you are doing some of this (I went to add this earlier but the edit time seems to have lapsed):

It is human nature to compare oneself to others, to seek to locate oneself on the right of *healthy* and *normal* in proximity to behaviours that could have been ours but weren't, at least not that time. It is always these that elicit the most outrage or indignation, or, on the flip-side, deep compassion. And that's what makes their disgust so transparent -- it is horrific because she rejects that it exists, or could exist within herself. 'I am right because I am not like THAT.' Really, it just spells relief.

No offence if it doesn't fit, I'm open to hearing otherwise. I'm just sensing some self-righteousness from you and reserve my right to call you out on it.

JustMeg

I've been 'that girl', and when I was young particularly I was regularly 'that girl'. Nowadays when I see 'those girls (and guys)' I get a strong physical aversive reaction...but it's due to recognition, not judgement.

Gracegrows

I'm curious, Rochele.. You're on this board, so you must have a drinking problem or concerns about one, but you clearly don't identify with so-called *immature* drinking behaviour. What do you identify with?

Gracegrows

Yeah, got to say, sensing some of that stinky subversive reformed drinker's judgement, already.

Not so helpful.

phoebe64

Huh? I think you are somehow misunderstanding me. I am identifying. Then, I recalled not only beign an emotional mees at times, while drinking, but also making poor and risky decisions while under the influence. I do feel lucky that worse things did not happen to me at those times.

I am not so sure why you seem offended by my post.

I am a member of this community, working on sobriety.

Have a nice day.

Gracegrows

I took offence with the immaturity comment, and the fact that you set it in a context that is long behind you. That might be the case, but you can share your exceptions in a way that is a little more compassionate to the thread starter -- i.e: me. Clearly, I identified with That Girl. I'm happy for you that your silliness happened behind closed doors and many years ago, but it might be more helpful to relate your experiences in a way that is relevant to the person you are speaking to. In other words, your growth framed in a negative sense does not serve me.

phoebe64

Look, I will Step out of this conversation. I was sharing my experience. I saw the show you mentioned and being a lot older, I identified with her in a different way than you, but did, nonetheless. I have no judgement. You don't know me at all here and are leaping to conclusions based on a misunderstanding in a post in one thread. It is you judging me.

My disdain was at myself, recalling my own drinking. I am less than a month sober. I went from being that girl, on occasion, to an isolating drinker, drinking alone at home, for th emost part. But was "that girl" many times. For me, i did that in younger days, then progressed to an isolating alcoholic and still am not what I would call successfully sober.

I have long been a part of this community, and never judge others.

I am sorry you took the wrong meaning from my post. But I am not proud of the things I did when I drank. So that is the ugh. The immaturity comment was about myself. I don't like recalling it. I wish I had identified my problem when I was that young. I migh be enjoying better health an dhappiness now.

Again, have a nice day and I will step out of your thread.

Gracegrows

Okay, my time to 'ugh.'

I'm sorry, Rochele, if I was hasty in my reaction. I just got a sense of *aboveness* from you when I'm thinking, 'she really doesn't know me' and I don't know you. Maybe, if we were in person, it would just be a matter of you being older than me, and in person, that would make more sense. Idk, that's just a guess. I'm 29, btw.

Your last post tells me enough to know that you are probably a genuine and lovely person, no matter what your age or background.

My apologies if I upset you.

Can we start again? Or, rather, start?

DoneStumblin

Been that girl more times than I can recollect, sadly. But NO MORE. Proud to be starting out day 24.

doggonecarl

I hope you are soon that "sober" girl.

Good luck.

phoebe64

You did not upset me, but I am going to clarify my words when called out in a way that twists them. I want to be fairly representing myself to the world.

Thinking about Victoria and what you said, stirred up that time in my life(Victoria is 24, BTW) and so, I rambled into a tangent story about risky and bad choices I made, in addition to the emotional melt downs like Victoria had.

Frankly, I now realize I have issues with depression and anxiety, and drinking makes all of that worse. I think many of us find we have used alcohol to self medicate. But with that loss of inhibition, also comes a loss of control at times.

I am not at all judgemental. I am sorry you have found yourself being that girl. You will find loads of support and experience here if you want help changing that.

I understand that it is not always easy to read tone in a post or know someone's style. I truly was speaking of my own drinking and experience when I made the immaturity remark. And, I did not mean it in a judgemental way, but that is truly can lead to very dangerous choices when commbined with the impairment of alcohol. I have a 14yo daughter, so I think about these things. I worry about them.

Anyway, we are fine. Thank you for taking time to reconsider my intentions.