Ugh
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Ugh
Well, it's been a while since I posted. I found myself getting so discouraged by the sheer volume of threads here. So many of us here are struggling, and the negativity just got so hard...
My hubby is still having problems. He starts experiencing withdrawal symptoms as early as 10am each morning. By dinner time he's in bad shape. He starts drinking as soon as he gets home, aiming to "just get through this". He has said he's thought on a number of occasions that he was having a heart attack, and that he prayed, "Please not now. Don't let me die now." He's told me he's scared. When he starts drinking at 5pm, it's only once he's had 20oz. of rum that he starts to feel "normal" again, which is usually 4 hours later. By then, he feels good enough to drink for fun and not just to "take the edge off".
I worry that I'm about to be a widow and single mom. It's hard to detach, but it's also hard not to. I just want it to stop. All of it.
I'm at a complete loss for what to do, what to say, how to act like everything's ok. This just sucks. I'd cuss, but I think the site will just *** it out anyway. So, like the thread title says... Ugh.
My hubby is still having problems. He starts experiencing withdrawal symptoms as early as 10am each morning. By dinner time he's in bad shape. He starts drinking as soon as he gets home, aiming to "just get through this". He has said he's thought on a number of occasions that he was having a heart attack, and that he prayed, "Please not now. Don't let me die now." He's told me he's scared. When he starts drinking at 5pm, it's only once he's had 20oz. of rum that he starts to feel "normal" again, which is usually 4 hours later. By then, he feels good enough to drink for fun and not just to "take the edge off".
I worry that I'm about to be a widow and single mom. It's hard to detach, but it's also hard not to. I just want it to stop. All of it.
I'm at a complete loss for what to do, what to say, how to act like everything's ok. This just sucks. I'd cuss, but I think the site will just *** it out anyway. So, like the thread title says... Ugh.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Syd,
I'm sorry you're in the midst of such a crisis. I haven't read all your posts, so I don't know what you've tried, but have you read any books on alcoholism thus far? Has your husband been to rehab or have you researched rehabs in your area?
What kind of support do you have for yourself? Are there friends or family that you can talk to?
I know the situation with your husband seems overwhelming, but try to take things one step at a time. There is hope. Know that there are addicts out there that have recovered.
C
I'm sorry you're in the midst of such a crisis. I haven't read all your posts, so I don't know what you've tried, but have you read any books on alcoholism thus far? Has your husband been to rehab or have you researched rehabs in your area?
What kind of support do you have for yourself? Are there friends or family that you can talk to?
I know the situation with your husband seems overwhelming, but try to take things one step at a time. There is hope. Know that there are addicts out there that have recovered.
C
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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I found that reaching out for help was the hardest thing of all. I was so used to pretending things could get better (somehow) on our own. I kept thinking that if AH didn't reach out for help, nothing would work anyway. All the assumptions I had, based on the little we had both tentatively tried seeking help, but in the wrong places. So many assumptions I had made, from my strange viewpoint of the world I had walled myself up in. I'm thankful for the progress I've made in my own recovery, yet I see now how beneficial Alanon and/or Celebrate Recovery would have been years or even decades ago.
Chantal, thank you for the good questions.
My new viewpoint on this, since attending family week at rehab with AH:
1 - get help for yourself NOW. this disease affects us in ways we do not see. Alanon, Celebrate Recovery and personal counseling. So very very very important. Do not let the second suggestion trip this up.
2 - it really is a physical disease of the brain they cannot control. It doesn't need to be you getting him into treatment, but reach out for help around you because at this stage he likely won't get well unless someone gets him there. I thought A needed to reach the stage of asking for help. In rehab I learned that miracles happen every day, and not everyone who finds them were those who came willingly. What an A decides to do with the tools they learn is up to them, but at least they were finally being given the right tools.
AH's counselor is an addict and alcoholic who took four times through inpatient (once with 5 years sober) before finally staying clean. What he gained from it was knowledge and insight that is helping others every single day. It's not a lonely story either, so many others, so many great counselors, so many wonderful people from all backgrounds, who are working recovery and helping others learn how.
Chantal, thank you for the good questions.
My new viewpoint on this, since attending family week at rehab with AH:
1 - get help for yourself NOW. this disease affects us in ways we do not see. Alanon, Celebrate Recovery and personal counseling. So very very very important. Do not let the second suggestion trip this up.
2 - it really is a physical disease of the brain they cannot control. It doesn't need to be you getting him into treatment, but reach out for help around you because at this stage he likely won't get well unless someone gets him there. I thought A needed to reach the stage of asking for help. In rehab I learned that miracles happen every day, and not everyone who finds them were those who came willingly. What an A decides to do with the tools they learn is up to them, but at least they were finally being given the right tools.
AH's counselor is an addict and alcoholic who took four times through inpatient (once with 5 years sober) before finally staying clean. What he gained from it was knowledge and insight that is helping others every single day. It's not a lonely story either, so many others, so many great counselors, so many wonderful people from all backgrounds, who are working recovery and helping others learn how.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Syd...
So sorry you are going through this and sorry for your beloved as well. I despise being the downer but just wanted to make sure you know, and you probably do, that at that level of physical addiction he must not quit cold turkey without medical supervision. We did not know that until my wife - who at the time was just a friend - tried and wound up having a seizure and heart attack and she was 35 and athletic...but by then her body was burning alcohol for fuel.
God I feel like a jerk for mentioning that but that was almost three years ago and she's been sober for two and has a happy one year old and her life back so at least I don't feel as bad for piling on your worry.
My wife went cold turkey when she lost her job due to drinking. When her boss found out he rushed to the hospital and pretty much felt like the worlds worst human being for firing her but she got even - she married him two years later and now he works for her.
Life is weird ;-)
Hang in there.
So sorry you are going through this and sorry for your beloved as well. I despise being the downer but just wanted to make sure you know, and you probably do, that at that level of physical addiction he must not quit cold turkey without medical supervision. We did not know that until my wife - who at the time was just a friend - tried and wound up having a seizure and heart attack and she was 35 and athletic...but by then her body was burning alcohol for fuel.
God I feel like a jerk for mentioning that but that was almost three years ago and she's been sober for two and has a happy one year old and her life back so at least I don't feel as bad for piling on your worry.
My wife went cold turkey when she lost her job due to drinking. When her boss found out he rushed to the hospital and pretty much felt like the worlds worst human being for firing her but she got even - she married him two years later and now he works for her.
Life is weird ;-)
Hang in there.
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Originally Posted by Chantal88 
have you read any books on alcoholism thus far? Has your husband been to rehab or have you researched rehabs in your area?
What kind of support do you have for yourself? Are there friends or family that you can talk to?
What kind of support do you have for yourself? Are there friends or family that you can talk to?
Chantal, I have an Alanon book that I dust off and thumb through every now and then, I've read countless threads here, and I've researched the disease and its progression, but that's about the extent of the reading I've done on the subject of alcoholism.
He has been to detox once, a little over a year ago. He said it was like a vacation - that all he had to do was sleep until they woke him up to eat. He was sober for a month and started back up. He won't go to AA, see a counselor, etc... The symptoms he's experiencing now are significantly worse than the ones that landed him in detox. I'm baffled by his ability to ignore the warning signs his body is giving him. Every night he deals with this - he trembles, shakes, jerks uncontrollably, gets red in the face, sweats, has chest pains and heart palpitations, you name it. Every. Night. It's so hard to watch.
I do not have support, per se, as he is embarrassed about this and doesn't want people to know. I have talked about it with a couple of my closest friends, and my family is aware that he was in the hospital for detox, but it's a subject no one wants to bring up, so I don't talk about it much at all. SR is my closest source of support.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Get yourself to Alanon. This is vital. You need support and to work on your own recovery. It doesn't matter that you see that or not, it matters only that you go. This disease DOES effect us and our kids. The 12 steps work, but we need to actively and deliberately be working them.
The detoxing can be life threatening. Whether you're able to pack him up and bring him in or need to call 911, it really really really is okay to make that phone call. Multiple times, if need be. You do not need to handle any of this on your own. It's the nature of the disease not to want help, even as it kills - both on his part and yours. If he solves the detox problem by staying drunk around the clock, it's still okay to pick up the phone and ask for help. Find out what rehab programs are recommended by others who've been through this. Look for one with a good family program. Look at options for getting it paid for. It's expensive and messy to get to this point, but so is dying. I kept thinking "if only he'd go to an AA meeting or go in to see the doctor..." without realizing at that point it'd be like trying to treat advanced cancer by only stopping an unhealthy habit.
If you were struck by an illness, did not realize you were sick and needed medical treatment, wouldn't it make sense that someone in your life would try to get you the help you need, even if it meant involving others? Make connections for yourself. Find therapy for yourself. Make phone calls to hand over his problems to professionals or other people in his life -- stop worrying about staying silent for him, whether or not he ever makes it to rehab. Do this for yourself. (((hugs)))
The detoxing can be life threatening. Whether you're able to pack him up and bring him in or need to call 911, it really really really is okay to make that phone call. Multiple times, if need be. You do not need to handle any of this on your own. It's the nature of the disease not to want help, even as it kills - both on his part and yours. If he solves the detox problem by staying drunk around the clock, it's still okay to pick up the phone and ask for help. Find out what rehab programs are recommended by others who've been through this. Look for one with a good family program. Look at options for getting it paid for. It's expensive and messy to get to this point, but so is dying. I kept thinking "if only he'd go to an AA meeting or go in to see the doctor..." without realizing at that point it'd be like trying to treat advanced cancer by only stopping an unhealthy habit.
If you were struck by an illness, did not realize you were sick and needed medical treatment, wouldn't it make sense that someone in your life would try to get you the help you need, even if it meant involving others? Make connections for yourself. Find therapy for yourself. Make phone calls to hand over his problems to professionals or other people in his life -- stop worrying about staying silent for him, whether or not he ever makes it to rehab. Do this for yourself. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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The other thing I learned was what I was teaching our kids by my silent acceptance of the alcoholism, and what my husband was teaching them by using. Kids learn by our actions, not by our words. My husband's dad was an alcoholic who died young. AH never wanted to be like him, but here we are. It does run in families and your kids also need the tools to deal with this. I want our kids to know sometimes it's necessary to ask for help, and that can be a good, positive thing! Two of the older ones are already using alcohol for a crutch. They take on the world, will be there for anyone, etc. and I didn't see all the codependent effects.
Yes, miracles happen daily. They start from within and they also come from unexpected places. My recovery came with prayer and reaching out. What AH does with his recovery is up to him, what I do with mine is up to me. One step at a time, one day at a time. It's a good day today.
Yes, miracles happen daily. They start from within and they also come from unexpected places. My recovery came with prayer and reaching out. What AH does with his recovery is up to him, what I do with mine is up to me. One step at a time, one day at a time. It's a good day today.
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You say he does not want people to know? Hmmm...then I guess he should seek help which it seems he has no plans to do. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. What you can do is get thyself to some help. If you don't want public meetings go get some therapy.
One thing I will tell you is that I felt like a free bird when I stopped hiding all of these issues. Everyone in my life who is close to me knows all about it. Why you ask? Because I needed support and help...for me. I stopped putting him and his needs first. I put what is good for me and my children in front of his needs and I will do that for the rest of my life. He is in full control of his behavior. If he does not want that behavior to be public than he should not have that sort of behavior. Simple as that.
You deserve support. With Alanon or Celebrate Recovery you would find that support and find ways to detatch and focus on YOU.
Good Luck and God Bless!
One thing I will tell you is that I felt like a free bird when I stopped hiding all of these issues. Everyone in my life who is close to me knows all about it. Why you ask? Because I needed support and help...for me. I stopped putting him and his needs first. I put what is good for me and my children in front of his needs and I will do that for the rest of my life. He is in full control of his behavior. If he does not want that behavior to be public than he should not have that sort of behavior. Simple as that.
You deserve support. With Alanon or Celebrate Recovery you would find that support and find ways to detatch and focus on YOU.
Good Luck and God Bless!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Syd -
I feel for you. I know how difficult it can be to look at someone and know that they are slowly dying. It's traumatic and in my case it made me frantic and desperate to get help.
However, it's better not to operate from a place of desperation. Take things one day at a time. Judging from your posts it seems as though you and your husband are somewhat isolated. Like others have recommended, it is very essential for you to have the emotional support that you need to get through this. Maybe start with a list of groups that you can contact, or a list of friends that you trust to be open and non-judgmental.
In my case I also started doing a lot of research. The book Under the Influence is a very good place to start. The book goes into detail about what alcoholism is, the stages and how it can be treated. I know that during this trying time the last thing you may want to do is spend time reading a book, but trust me, it will help you to see the situation clearly and answer any questions you may have.
Hang in there Syd. Keeping is right, there is always hope. My prayers go out to you and your husband.
Hugs,
C
I feel for you. I know how difficult it can be to look at someone and know that they are slowly dying. It's traumatic and in my case it made me frantic and desperate to get help.
However, it's better not to operate from a place of desperation. Take things one day at a time. Judging from your posts it seems as though you and your husband are somewhat isolated. Like others have recommended, it is very essential for you to have the emotional support that you need to get through this. Maybe start with a list of groups that you can contact, or a list of friends that you trust to be open and non-judgmental.
In my case I also started doing a lot of research. The book Under the Influence is a very good place to start. The book goes into detail about what alcoholism is, the stages and how it can be treated. I know that during this trying time the last thing you may want to do is spend time reading a book, but trust me, it will help you to see the situation clearly and answer any questions you may have.
Hang in there Syd. Keeping is right, there is always hope. My prayers go out to you and your husband.
Hugs,
C
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I'm not sure what would be the right thing to do. Maybe take him to the funeral home and ask him to make his own preparations? Tell him he is dying and doing it to himself and you shouldn't have to suffer through it when he's gone because he refused to get help.
I know you feel horrible. I felt so helpless when my husband was showing physical symptoms of withdrawal. At that point he didn't drink for fun it was strictly maintenance and eventually he didn't stop because he had to work,he'd wake up 3hrs early and start drinking, he'd drink a 6pk on the way, another during lunch and 30+when he got home. He was never **** faced drunk. Always seemed normal. Sometimes we talked about quitting and he admitted his biggest fear was being sick. Sounds a lot like where your husband is now. I went through the whole cut back thing, he just lied and hid it from me. I had had enough by then and told him he got help or I was gone (not recommended by most?) but it's worked for us so far.
The best thing I can say is don't stop talking about it. It isn't a secret, just because people don't talk about it doesn't mean they don't know. The signs are there and if he's anything like most it seeps from his pores even when he's not drinking. Don't seclude yourself because he doesn't want anyone to know, what he does affects you to.
I know you feel horrible. I felt so helpless when my husband was showing physical symptoms of withdrawal. At that point he didn't drink for fun it was strictly maintenance and eventually he didn't stop because he had to work,he'd wake up 3hrs early and start drinking, he'd drink a 6pk on the way, another during lunch and 30+when he got home. He was never **** faced drunk. Always seemed normal. Sometimes we talked about quitting and he admitted his biggest fear was being sick. Sounds a lot like where your husband is now. I went through the whole cut back thing, he just lied and hid it from me. I had had enough by then and told him he got help or I was gone (not recommended by most?) but it's worked for us so far.
The best thing I can say is don't stop talking about it. It isn't a secret, just because people don't talk about it doesn't mean they don't know. The signs are there and if he's anything like most it seeps from his pores even when he's not drinking. Don't seclude yourself because he doesn't want anyone to know, what he does affects you to.
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Originally Posted by 9111111
@ Poh: "she got even with him" - for what exactly?
We're silly and joking and laughing about 90% of the time - written words don't convey sarcasm well so "got even" was meant as a joke, I'm sure not suffering and am very content for the first time in ...well, maybe ever to be 'working for' my wife and our son.
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Originally Posted by 9111111
Ahh, now I get it. Sorry, my mistake. Thanks for helping a clueless person out! Love that sense of humor, laughing makes life just so much easier.
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