my story, my marriage, my life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: wilmington, delaware
Posts: 1
my story, my marriage, my life
so let me begin by saying this is my first post here and i useually don't do stuff like this but its eating me alive.I just preread what i wrote and it is alot. its what i went through. part of my story and where im at today. the past month has been completely been flipped and turned upside down. wife has been distant and my mother in law passed. but I haven't used.
let me give you a little backround on me. I was born and grew up in Baltimore Md. when I was real young it was a normal household. both parents and me and my brother. Then when I was about 9 it was just me and my mom, my dad was at work and my brother (5 years older) was at a friends and my mom was plastered drunk. it was really the first time I saw anyone drunk. I just remember being so scared because it looked like my mom but to me it wasn't who I knew her as. when my dad got home and found out he moved into another woman's house. and that's when I learned my mom had a bad drinking problem. I watched them fight all the time and I just wanted them to get along. at first my mom got sober not for herself but for him. on and off for years she would go back and forth. A month clean here 3 here I was always forced to go to aa and na meetings with her. At first id always say what are they talking about, but little did I know it would become my reality one day. my older brother and I were constantly left alone. my mom ended up having a bad relapse that lasted for a couple years (at least it seemed). she was never around. I remember holidays sitting alone crying with my brother because no one was there and it was ******. my brother started smoking pot eventually. He didn't tell me but I found out and he thought I would have been disappointed in him because of what we went through with our mom. I said it was ok I know what pot is and its no big deal. we would talk about how it would never turn into anything else or be the "gateway" to other drugs. but for him it was. It was for me. my mom got sober and started to try and be a mom again and my brother went on the road for a year to travel and fly signs for beer and gas. he would eat out of dumpsters and sneak into festivals and hitchhike out to cali and everywhere in between. when he came back he was a different person. he had a drinking problem and started shooting dope. which started because of him sniffing oxys. he ended up in jail for child support. and while he was in jail I stopped going to see dad. I think one of the last times I stayed at his house I was like 15 and he found Xanax and a few joints in my guitar case. the look of disappointment in his face was unbearable. a few months later my dads best friend died in a freak accident where his tanker went off a bridge in Baltimore and blew up. after 18 years of my dad not drinking he went back out and picked up where he he left off.....it killed him. his stomach bleed out. I took it really bad I didn't want to be around anyone. I started to drink because it was the only thing that made me feel better or escape reality. my brother got out of jail and started using again and everything went downhill. but some how I graduated high school got a job working on cars. i had stopped drinking. my mom was once again clean and to this day she is still clean. something like 5 or 6 years and I am proud of her. we still argue when we talk and I feel bad for it. we just butt heads. there's a lot of issues still there. As for my brother he has been missing since 6.2.09. thats his birthday. nobody knows a thing. he was last seen in Bloomington Indiana. my mom still has hope but I don't think he's with us anymore. his dope problem was so bad the last time he went on the road. but if he has passed may he rest in peace as well as my pops
I ended up some how pulling a rabbit out of a hat when I started talking to this amazing person that changed my life. she was a teacher at the high school I went to. I never thought in a million years we would be together. she was the best thing that happened to me and still is. she ended up getting a job closer to where she grew up. She didn't force or make me choose but I said absolutely ill go. so we moved to Delaware. I missed everyone back home. but none of them were good for me to begin with. everything was fine. she was perfect always positive and I couldn't ask for more. we end getting married after 4 and a half years together. then soon after I made the biggest mistake. I started using hydro's. then hydros turned into oxys then guess what? they turned into dope. after watching my brother kill him self and overdose I was in the same boat. I was never the type to express myself, just bottle it up and keep going. my drug problem started to ruin my marriage. So I told her I had a problem. I was tired of me and her arguing. I knew me using was 1 of the major reasons. so I quit cold turkey for about 3 months and I slipped up one day. I slowly saw where this was going again. I went from this happy, out going, kind and caring person in the very beginning to this angry no good lazy emotionally abusive pos. I know my drug use has put this woman threw a lot. actually total hell. I use to get so pissed off and punch holes in the wall smash my cell phones. I have called her names that no one should ever be called or hear, ever. as much as she thinks I didn't feel bad, I did every single time.I knew I had to stop the drugs. it was destroying who I was. I realized I had to stop when one night in an argument she wouldn't leave me alone. everyone with an addiction problem knows, the truth hurts. its the last thing you want to hear. so I got up and all I wanted to do was move her out of my way. I ended up squeezing the pressure point next to her neck and pushing her out of my way. I hated my self for that. I ended up leaving because I was so angry at what I needed to hear that I had to remove my self from the situation. I knew I couldn't quit cold turkey so I started to look for a program. I was using her phone because I had smashed mine. a few days later she sat me down for an intervention and once again i spilled the beans. I used like crazy for the next month because no programs had openings. the earliest I could get in was in a month. so I told her I cant go to work in withdraw and i cant miss work. they already saw a huge change in me at work. so that month she knew everything and how bad it was and how much I was spending on drugs. for the first time she saw it first hand and i was ashamed. so I started the program. and yes I know all about how people stay on suboxone or methadone programs for years. but that is far from what im trying to do. so I started to change for the good started to do things around the house. I started to be a better person. Tried to be the man she was in love with. who she deserved. meanwhile her mom had been battling cancer for the past year. and after i stopped using drugs her mom got bad. thats when i started seeing something was up between us. she was always on her phone. always turning her phone away from me so i couldn't see the screen. and id ask her if there was someone else, and shed turn it around on me because of what i had done to her in the past. I'd talk to friends for advice or ask hey what should i do, or say i think shes cheating on me. and every single person would say, no way she would never do that she's not that kind of person she loves you so much. then her mom passed 2 days before Christmas. it was hard for all of us. she thinks it wasn't hard for me but on the day of the service i find out shes been talking to another guy for months. at first she says she's sorry and she said she would try to work on us, but now she's not. she has been telling me that she needs space or we need a separation or she doesn't know if she wants to be with me because of what i put her threw. she said she hasn't been talking to him and he has nothing to do with it.. but all i do is keep trying and she isn't. she cant forgive me for what i did and realize that i need support with my addiction. and yet im so quick to say we can get through this and i forgive you. she wants nothing to do with me after what she did everyone thinks im still the *******. i cant stop trying. i have spent coming up on 6 years with this woman. i know at times it has been rough. but what relationship isn't at times. ive done all i can for her to forgive me. should i keep pushing for us to try to work this out? we just started marriage consoling but all they say is your an addict and its going to take a while, and yet they say nothing about her talking to another man. im the one to blame for all of this. i just don't get it. people make mistakes. but she wont even give me a chance or put an effort into us. i cant just be ok with her leaving without any effort. anyway that's where im at. constantly deep in my thoughts i cry to her telling her how i feel and what im going through but at this point i don't even know if she hears me. but i will not turn back to drugs. I just think about my worst spot I was, and I know I don't want to be there ever again. so any advice, similar experiences or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
let me give you a little backround on me. I was born and grew up in Baltimore Md. when I was real young it was a normal household. both parents and me and my brother. Then when I was about 9 it was just me and my mom, my dad was at work and my brother (5 years older) was at a friends and my mom was plastered drunk. it was really the first time I saw anyone drunk. I just remember being so scared because it looked like my mom but to me it wasn't who I knew her as. when my dad got home and found out he moved into another woman's house. and that's when I learned my mom had a bad drinking problem. I watched them fight all the time and I just wanted them to get along. at first my mom got sober not for herself but for him. on and off for years she would go back and forth. A month clean here 3 here I was always forced to go to aa and na meetings with her. At first id always say what are they talking about, but little did I know it would become my reality one day. my older brother and I were constantly left alone. my mom ended up having a bad relapse that lasted for a couple years (at least it seemed). she was never around. I remember holidays sitting alone crying with my brother because no one was there and it was ******. my brother started smoking pot eventually. He didn't tell me but I found out and he thought I would have been disappointed in him because of what we went through with our mom. I said it was ok I know what pot is and its no big deal. we would talk about how it would never turn into anything else or be the "gateway" to other drugs. but for him it was. It was for me. my mom got sober and started to try and be a mom again and my brother went on the road for a year to travel and fly signs for beer and gas. he would eat out of dumpsters and sneak into festivals and hitchhike out to cali and everywhere in between. when he came back he was a different person. he had a drinking problem and started shooting dope. which started because of him sniffing oxys. he ended up in jail for child support. and while he was in jail I stopped going to see dad. I think one of the last times I stayed at his house I was like 15 and he found Xanax and a few joints in my guitar case. the look of disappointment in his face was unbearable. a few months later my dads best friend died in a freak accident where his tanker went off a bridge in Baltimore and blew up. after 18 years of my dad not drinking he went back out and picked up where he he left off.....it killed him. his stomach bleed out. I took it really bad I didn't want to be around anyone. I started to drink because it was the only thing that made me feel better or escape reality. my brother got out of jail and started using again and everything went downhill. but some how I graduated high school got a job working on cars. i had stopped drinking. my mom was once again clean and to this day she is still clean. something like 5 or 6 years and I am proud of her. we still argue when we talk and I feel bad for it. we just butt heads. there's a lot of issues still there. As for my brother he has been missing since 6.2.09. thats his birthday. nobody knows a thing. he was last seen in Bloomington Indiana. my mom still has hope but I don't think he's with us anymore. his dope problem was so bad the last time he went on the road. but if he has passed may he rest in peace as well as my pops
I ended up some how pulling a rabbit out of a hat when I started talking to this amazing person that changed my life. she was a teacher at the high school I went to. I never thought in a million years we would be together. she was the best thing that happened to me and still is. she ended up getting a job closer to where she grew up. She didn't force or make me choose but I said absolutely ill go. so we moved to Delaware. I missed everyone back home. but none of them were good for me to begin with. everything was fine. she was perfect always positive and I couldn't ask for more. we end getting married after 4 and a half years together. then soon after I made the biggest mistake. I started using hydro's. then hydros turned into oxys then guess what? they turned into dope. after watching my brother kill him self and overdose I was in the same boat. I was never the type to express myself, just bottle it up and keep going. my drug problem started to ruin my marriage. So I told her I had a problem. I was tired of me and her arguing. I knew me using was 1 of the major reasons. so I quit cold turkey for about 3 months and I slipped up one day. I slowly saw where this was going again. I went from this happy, out going, kind and caring person in the very beginning to this angry no good lazy emotionally abusive pos. I know my drug use has put this woman threw a lot. actually total hell. I use to get so pissed off and punch holes in the wall smash my cell phones. I have called her names that no one should ever be called or hear, ever. as much as she thinks I didn't feel bad, I did every single time.I knew I had to stop the drugs. it was destroying who I was. I realized I had to stop when one night in an argument she wouldn't leave me alone. everyone with an addiction problem knows, the truth hurts. its the last thing you want to hear. so I got up and all I wanted to do was move her out of my way. I ended up squeezing the pressure point next to her neck and pushing her out of my way. I hated my self for that. I ended up leaving because I was so angry at what I needed to hear that I had to remove my self from the situation. I knew I couldn't quit cold turkey so I started to look for a program. I was using her phone because I had smashed mine. a few days later she sat me down for an intervention and once again i spilled the beans. I used like crazy for the next month because no programs had openings. the earliest I could get in was in a month. so I told her I cant go to work in withdraw and i cant miss work. they already saw a huge change in me at work. so that month she knew everything and how bad it was and how much I was spending on drugs. for the first time she saw it first hand and i was ashamed. so I started the program. and yes I know all about how people stay on suboxone or methadone programs for years. but that is far from what im trying to do. so I started to change for the good started to do things around the house. I started to be a better person. Tried to be the man she was in love with. who she deserved. meanwhile her mom had been battling cancer for the past year. and after i stopped using drugs her mom got bad. thats when i started seeing something was up between us. she was always on her phone. always turning her phone away from me so i couldn't see the screen. and id ask her if there was someone else, and shed turn it around on me because of what i had done to her in the past. I'd talk to friends for advice or ask hey what should i do, or say i think shes cheating on me. and every single person would say, no way she would never do that she's not that kind of person she loves you so much. then her mom passed 2 days before Christmas. it was hard for all of us. she thinks it wasn't hard for me but on the day of the service i find out shes been talking to another guy for months. at first she says she's sorry and she said she would try to work on us, but now she's not. she has been telling me that she needs space or we need a separation or she doesn't know if she wants to be with me because of what i put her threw. she said she hasn't been talking to him and he has nothing to do with it.. but all i do is keep trying and she isn't. she cant forgive me for what i did and realize that i need support with my addiction. and yet im so quick to say we can get through this and i forgive you. she wants nothing to do with me after what she did everyone thinks im still the *******. i cant stop trying. i have spent coming up on 6 years with this woman. i know at times it has been rough. but what relationship isn't at times. ive done all i can for her to forgive me. should i keep pushing for us to try to work this out? we just started marriage consoling but all they say is your an addict and its going to take a while, and yet they say nothing about her talking to another man. im the one to blame for all of this. i just don't get it. people make mistakes. but she wont even give me a chance or put an effort into us. i cant just be ok with her leaving without any effort. anyway that's where im at. constantly deep in my thoughts i cry to her telling her how i feel and what im going through but at this point i don't even know if she hears me. but i will not turn back to drugs. I just think about my worst spot I was, and I know I don't want to be there ever again. so any advice, similar experiences or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
Hi and welcome stela102712 
I think it's great you're clean now - congratulations - as for your wife - none of us can tell someone else what to do - sometimes we just get clean too late and the damage is done...other times there is will on both sides, and marriages are saved.
Only time will tell whats in store for you - I think it's a positive indication that she agreed to marriage counselling....that sounds like a little bit of effort on her part to me?
D
I think it's great you're clean now - congratulations - as for your wife - none of us can tell someone else what to do - sometimes we just get clean too late and the damage is done...other times there is will on both sides, and marriages are saved.
Only time will tell whats in store for you - I think it's a positive indication that she agreed to marriage counselling....that sounds like a little bit of effort on her part to me?
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome to SR stela. I'm glad you opened up and told your story. I hope it helps lessen the burden.
Be proud of yourself for getting clean and wanting a better life. Keep reading and posting - many of us have been through similar situations and we understand.
Be proud of yourself for getting clean and wanting a better life. Keep reading and posting - many of us have been through similar situations and we understand.
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