Stung

It's official. I'm the weird mom. A mommy friend was complaining about her husband being gone ALL WEEK next week and how difficult it will be for her to survive without him to help out. She has kids the same age as mine and she stays home with them like I do too. My husband has been out of our home for 30 days. She however doesn't know this. It's not really any of her business. I can't explain the range of emotions that I had flare through me all at once. I kept my poker face on and told her that it'll be tough, it's always hard when my husband is away on business too, thats what the normal me, the old me, would have said. The last time my husband was away for business he swore off alcohol, had been sober and pleasant for 2 weeks and then was drunk with colleagues every night he was away. Afterwards he wasn't able to stay sober any longer.

Last week a different friend wanted me to come see her new baby, awesome I love snuggling new babies...until she told me she wanted me to hold her baby so she could clean her downstairs. Then I bailed on her. She has a husband that can hold their child while she cleans. Normal me would have empathy and would of course help out my friend. Current me is jealous that all of my friends with kids are married to men who help them. Maybe not happily married but they aren't married to an addict.

I feel like people expect me to contribute to my relationships like I normally do, but I don't want to right now. I hate looking, sounding and acting like the old me but feeling like a foreigner in my own body, in own life. Even my mom and my friends who know whats up expect me to keep contributing like nothing is wrong. My mom will be here staying the night on Friday. You know what I want to do? Sleep while she entertains my kids. You know what we're doing instead? All kinds of out of the house activities that she wants to do with my kids. And me.

I need a break...and by break I mean a nap. Calgon, take me away.

Stung

...and I know I'm being a total whiner. I just am so freaking jealous of normal people and their normal problems.

HopefulinFLA

I hear you sister! Been there too.

Lyssy

Ask your mom to take the kids on her own Friday night. Be honest with her and explain you just need a break. Then plan an outing for everyone on Saturday.

What is the worst that could happen? She says no? Well then you are no worse off right?

Everyone here always says to take care of yourself - this is one way!

Just a suggestion.

BTW I want normal too.

Or at least off the crazy train lol.

Stung

Lyssy - I already asked. My mom wants to choose the ways in which she is helpful. I asked for a nap when she was here for Christmas too to no avail. I have to pick my battles with her. At least I'll have someone to help out, just not in exactly the manner I want the help.

Lyssy

Funny how we pick our battles to win the war. I truly understand.

And yes, be grateful for the help she can provide.

PohsFriend

Oh I dunno... Normal ...so I'm not sure there is such a thing as normal is there?

Common?
Typical?
Average?
Bland?
That ain't you Stung - thank God - Whiney I can deal with but bland? Yuck.

Those poor beige sob's. They'd never survive what you've been going through, they wouldn't know how. So you are whining and feeling a little sorry for yourself today....and? Ya really think superman doesn't flip off that cape and then bitch and moan about those boots some days?

Whine a little, throw a pity party, cry a bit, vent... That's "Normal". Tomorrow you'll put on your cape and your ass kicking boots and keep on slogging through a day at a time... Because you aren't bland and by tomorrow you will be ticked at yourself for stumbling a but - that's normal too.

Just don't go beige on us ok? That would be depressing.

Stung

Well that's a pep talk if I've ever heard one! Thank you.

coolchick

Embrace the weirdness. Un-weird (or as my daughter calls them - lump people) are boring.
But it really is oh so normal to just want some time away from the circus. To leave the menagerie with someone else for a little while. To just have a nap.

I really wish you could have a day alone and a nice long nap. Or two. Sometimes it just does take a nap to feel better.

This is a hard time. You are strong and amazing. But you don't have to be strong and amazing ALL the time. Hang in there.

PohsFriend

Figured if the superman thing didn't get a grin THEN we can worry. ;-)

Chantal88

Stung -

I haven't read many of your posts, but I don't really see anything wrong with the new you. You're tired, you're exhausted, and you need a break. Why not tell the people you love in your life that you need a little help? There's nothing wrong with resting while your mom takes the kids out. Maybe you need to have an honest conversation with her and just explain how burnt out you are feeling. I am sure that she would be understanding.

I used to be like you. It was hard for me to honest with people and admit when I had reached my limit. I kept giving and giving because I thought that's what I should do. Now I recognize that I'm not a machine and sometimes I need some time alone. My good friends who care about me understand. The friends who are selfish, and who try to manipulate me with guilt trips, well... they're not really my friends.

I hope you are able to find some time to rest and relax.

Hugs,

C

MsJojo

Hi Stung,
I'm sorry that you're feeling this but HAPPY that you posted it. I feel like that loads. I don't stay at home but I work in a special school and am on duty from the moment that i walk in the door. So my life is kids - work- kids- sleep - repeat.
I find myself evil eyeing people's wedding rings And heaven forbid they should be wearing an eternity ring.... well then the inner me gets plain nasty
Obviously, I just smile and wave :-)

Stung

Ha! Chantal, my mom is a big time manipulator. She'd never admit it but she likes when my life is in disarray. Then she can swoop in, save the day and hold it over my head after the fact. This entire time I've been crying to her and having her help out and I've been wondering what will happen when I do eventually level out. It's going to cost to me for having her help me and it's going to cost me big time because this isn't just asking for a small loan to pay for books during summer semester in college or asking her if she'll walk me down the aisle at my wedding, this is BIG because my life is majorly screwed up right now.

Generally when my mom tries to manipulate me I can vent to my husband and lean on him for support, at which point I very successfully detach from her (I've been doing that for years not realizing that it had a name up until a month ago.) When things are rocky between my husband and I, I lean on my mom. I've only recently come to realize how truly manipulative my mom is. Unfortunately, my alcoholic husband has become a master manipulator as well. What does this say about me?

In my life there really is no such thing as a free lunch.

Mango blast

Hi Stung. Any chance of inviting your mom out to a friendly outing of meet the therapist?

Stung

Been there. Done that. Several times actually. When you don't know what you're fighting, its really hard to defend yourself. My mom doesn't like that I don't do what she says when she says to do it (she says I want to be her friend, not her daughter. Hi, I'm an adult, not a 13 year old kid.) That makes me a pretty rotten daughter. In fact, she's told me on several occasions that I've ruined her life. So why do I keep her in my life? Because I'm afraid to be completely alone and now I have kids and a husband that is off the rails so I don't know what to do anymore. Also, my mom isn't bad all the time. For the last 4ish years I've told myself that I'll enjoy the good and just zone her out when she's being intentionally hurtful, then I just ignore or redirect her. I didn't start off being normal but I was hoping that I could be when I started my own family. Fail.

Stung

P.S. it is MUCH easier to detach from someone when they aren't living with you. Case in point, my mom and now my husband.

PippiLngstockng

Hi Stung,

I completely relate! Soon you will see how well you manage the huge troubles. And your married friends will falter over teeny tiny bits of nonsense. I have developed a new talent for identifying the most important issues of the day to address, while enjoying life's little sweet pleasures and letting go the stuff I can do nothing about. I guess that's a rewrite of the serenity prayer :-)

I am happy to newly belong to that group of single moms that I am realizing are the most gorgeous, balanced, capable women I have ever had the pleasure to know. The women who have proven to themselves they can manage pretty much everything. And who love themselves.

As for moms, mine helps in the ways that work for her, and that's not everything that I need, but thank God that she is ultimately on my side. Acceptance. We have to accept one another and be glad we aren't completely alone here.

You will find new strength in all of this. It takes time. Be patient, celebrate every good moment, and be glad for every step forward you take. Yay, Stung! We're on your team!

Blueskies25

Gosh almighty. This forum keeps me sane in knowing I am not alone with ANY of my feelings! Whilst I am pretty proud of myself (like you Ms Jojo - kids, work, sleep, repeat but with lots of fun within that too over and above the hell of trying to divorce my AH etc) and Stung, I do have to stop myself glowering with envy at other peoples regular problems ( as it's sometimes easy to perceive them) but take a lot of strength from the fact that my life is still functioning for myself and my children. I'll bet you're doing a great job too and I high five you across the ocean from the UK! As Pippilngstockng says, we are all on your team.

MissFixit

hi

one thing that i regret in my former relationship has more to do with me and only slightly about my ex. i became too focused on him/us and cut off/didn't expand my support network. he was time consuming and so wonderful to me when things were solid. the problem was when things were not solid with us, i had few places to turn as i got further and further away from my girlfriends and my own independent identity.

expanding your support network (i mean good friends who you can talk to about all of it and who will support you) might be a good thing, so you are not totally reliant on ah and mom. it sounds like some of your mom friends might be a good place to start. what about the friends who you told initially about ah?

Blackhawkfan

I'm not an expert but sounds like you have the ability to be an enabler and a Codie. I'd suggest getting involved with Alanon to share and get support.

The relationship with your friends and your mom are unhealthy and it is creating unnecessary stress and anxiety for you. You need to focus on yourself and your own recovery. Learn to establish boundaries with your Mom and your friends (as well as hubby). If the cant respect your boundaries - they are not worthy of your time. Don't let your loved ones walk all over you. Hard to hear sometimes.

If you haven't explored family Aanon......highly recommend it. The 12 steps can improve anyone (sober or addict) and lead to more fulfilling lives.

Good luck.