No more and my withdrawals!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
No more and my withdrawals!
My daughter, age 19, was kicked out of my home again. Typical behavior....I have been a revolving door since she has been 18 years old. She does well for about 3 weeks then bamm!
I do see progress, in many ways, but still my boundaries are firm.
She is now asking to move back home....and is texting me desperate messages. She is bouncing around....texting me how the strange guy is making move on her; how her dog is skinny; how she feels hopeless; how she needs someone to talk to.
My husband is in recovery and is doing very well. He is more than 60 days clean after his relapse of 3 months. He told me, this weekend, that he could not have either of my kids around him. He stated that it isn't healthy for his recovery.
I almost went through withdrawal....weird but I felt like he was taking my crack! I told him it was difficult for me to not have them over to visit or dinner. I told him I felt like I was in the middle. Not that they came over much anyway but for something.
He said they could come over but he didn't want to be in the home.
Now, I have no choice but to say "no" and not give any chances. It's final. I guess I felt I was the "hopeful" place where my kids would be healthy and sober and could stay and get on their feet.
It hasn't worked yet. They get sober, get jobs, and go back to using.
There dad said he's pay for their sober living home for a month or two. So far, no takers......
Anyone else feel like they are withdrawing from their kids by not helping.
I do see progress, in many ways, but still my boundaries are firm.
She is now asking to move back home....and is texting me desperate messages. She is bouncing around....texting me how the strange guy is making move on her; how her dog is skinny; how she feels hopeless; how she needs someone to talk to.
My husband is in recovery and is doing very well. He is more than 60 days clean after his relapse of 3 months. He told me, this weekend, that he could not have either of my kids around him. He stated that it isn't healthy for his recovery.
I almost went through withdrawal....weird but I felt like he was taking my crack! I told him it was difficult for me to not have them over to visit or dinner. I told him I felt like I was in the middle. Not that they came over much anyway but for something.
He said they could come over but he didn't want to be in the home.
Now, I have no choice but to say "no" and not give any chances. It's final. I guess I felt I was the "hopeful" place where my kids would be healthy and sober and could stay and get on their feet.
It hasn't worked yet. They get sober, get jobs, and go back to using.
There dad said he's pay for their sober living home for a month or two. So far, no takers......
Anyone else feel like they are withdrawing from their kids by not helping.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
Funny how it feels to realize that the objects of our addiction are the addicts themselves...
Happy thoughts for you today... and strength for your weakness...
Sometimes it helps me to remember that with all my "helping", I was just allowing their hurt to keep hurting...
Happy thoughts for you today... and strength for your weakness...
Sometimes it helps me to remember that with all my "helping", I was just allowing their hurt to keep hurting...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Good for you to say no. Good for your husband that he is doing well and realizes her presence could make him relapse. Sounds as if he is taking charge of his recovery...a definite good thing.
If she needs to talk to someone she needs to go to a program and get a sponsor. If she did not use she would not be bouncing around with weird guys hitting on her and a skinny dog. It is within her control, especially since dad offered to pay for a sober living house. She is not that torn up...the dog is not that skinny.
Just my two cents. You still love her, you are just not loving her to death. Good for you.
Hugs.
If she needs to talk to someone she needs to go to a program and get a sponsor. If she did not use she would not be bouncing around with weird guys hitting on her and a skinny dog. It is within her control, especially since dad offered to pay for a sober living house. She is not that torn up...the dog is not that skinny.
Just my two cents. You still love her, you are just not loving her to death. Good for you.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I loved that also....."the dog is not that skinny."
My husband has a hx of meth addiction for more than a decade using and then sober for 12 years and then a relapse of 3 months.
He said that he would make calls to his parents regarding how hungry he was...."I would call them and tell them how hungry I was when I just spent my last $15 for dope. I could have spent it on food but dope was my priority."
It's true...the desperation that we hear are often choices that we made. My husband and I have given her a place to stay (rent free); car to use; and food to eat. She made the choice to leave when she decided to live her kind of life.
So strange how these desperate messages get to me. My husband says to quit responding. I can't seem to ignore all of them. I think I will stick to "so sorry you are having a difficult time. You may want to reach out to your sponsor or go to a meeting." Sort of a canned answer.....
My husband has a hx of meth addiction for more than a decade using and then sober for 12 years and then a relapse of 3 months.
He said that he would make calls to his parents regarding how hungry he was...."I would call them and tell them how hungry I was when I just spent my last $15 for dope. I could have spent it on food but dope was my priority."
It's true...the desperation that we hear are often choices that we made. My husband and I have given her a place to stay (rent free); car to use; and food to eat. She made the choice to leave when she decided to live her kind of life.
So strange how these desperate messages get to me. My husband says to quit responding. I can't seem to ignore all of them. I think I will stick to "so sorry you are having a difficult time. You may want to reach out to your sponsor or go to a meeting." Sort of a canned answer.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I think I will stick to "so sorry you are having a difficult time. You may want to reach out to your sponsor or go to a meeting." Sort of a canned answer.....
I actually love this answer. I don't think of it as canned but just perfect! You are giving her sound advice. I have felt in the middle many times because my husband and I did not always agree on things regarding my son. He felt I was too easy (I probably was) and I felt he was too harsh (he probably was lol).
I think it is a great response and the best thing she could do for herself. I hope they take their father up on the offer for sober living sometime soon. They are lucky to have that.
Hope things work out ok and you do not feel so anxious about it all. Just wanted you to know I understand. Great that your husband has been clean over 60 days. Hope it continues.
p.s. "the dog is not that skinny" gave me a much needed laugh today. Thank you Hopeful!
I actually love this answer. I don't think of it as canned but just perfect! You are giving her sound advice. I have felt in the middle many times because my husband and I did not always agree on things regarding my son. He felt I was too easy (I probably was) and I felt he was too harsh (he probably was lol).
I think it is a great response and the best thing she could do for herself. I hope they take their father up on the offer for sober living sometime soon. They are lucky to have that.
Hope things work out ok and you do not feel so anxious about it all. Just wanted you to know I understand. Great that your husband has been clean over 60 days. Hope it continues.
p.s. "the dog is not that skinny" gave me a much needed laugh today. Thank you Hopeful!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by Txhelp
Their dad said he'd pay for their sober living home for a month or two. So far, no takers......
When the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of getting clean, perhaps they will reach out and accept that offer.
Until then, you are doing the right thing by not letting them come home. If you want to meet with them, meet for coffee or lunch in a neutral place and maybe treat them to a meal or a snack. But don't do this if they will spend the entire time playing the guilt card. If the meeting doesn't work for both of you then leave it off the "option" list too.
It's hard to say no, but doing the right thing is often hard.
Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
THAT'S the one that would ALWAYS get me.....
"I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in 3 days. You are the only one who has been
there unconditionally for me....PLEASE! I need help!!"
My response's were...
FIRST: Cash (stupid, I know!)
SECOND: I will bring you any food item or meal to anywhere you wish,in any quantity
you desire. Response? "money would be better" (big surprise!)
THIRD: I will meet you at the airport, and send you on a one way transcontinental
journey to you Mom. She will feed you and shelter you---without your being
beholden and a slave to the worst scumbags on Earth.
Result? Nothing. She didn't WANT to quit. I'm not sure that she could even admit that
to herself. She'd rather die than give it up. And that's what happened.
Addiction is a fight to the death. It's not a game--there is no 'referee'.
Kill it (get it out of your life).....or it WILL kill your yours...
....as surely as night follows day.
Addicts: Get out of their lives if you want to help them-----stay in their lives if you
desire to hurt them.
"I'm hungry. I haven't eaten in 3 days. You are the only one who has been
there unconditionally for me....PLEASE! I need help!!"
My response's were...
FIRST: Cash (stupid, I know!)
SECOND: I will bring you any food item or meal to anywhere you wish,in any quantity
you desire. Response? "money would be better" (big surprise!)
THIRD: I will meet you at the airport, and send you on a one way transcontinental
journey to you Mom. She will feed you and shelter you---without your being
beholden and a slave to the worst scumbags on Earth.
Result? Nothing. She didn't WANT to quit. I'm not sure that she could even admit that
to herself. She'd rather die than give it up. And that's what happened.
Addiction is a fight to the death. It's not a game--there is no 'referee'.
Kill it (get it out of your life).....or it WILL kill your yours...
....as surely as night follows day.
Addicts: Get out of their lives if you want to help them-----stay in their lives if you
desire to hurt them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
My hope that I want to share with you was that for me...
The only time I stopped using was when the pain outweighed my fear. It sucks but its true! Money is difficult to learn to manage, but bank accounts, direct deposit, and absolutely no cards helped me. My family told me to quit waiting tables for months because of the cash, but I simply couldn't because I wasn't ready yet.
I went through major codie withdrawls when my AH went to prison almost 2 months ago. I was filled with worry and fear. It was almost crippling being stuck in all of my "what if" thoughts. I had to go to a counsellor and discuss letting go... I'm still working on it. She has me set a timer, and write all of my worry for the amount of time I choose for that day. When I started and gave myself a couple hours, and then slowly weaned down. It's similar to subutex or methadone. It has really helped me. The trick is to plan an activity as soon as time is up, then stick to it. Eventually... I worry less and less. I like to "worry write" first thing in the morning, then pray. If I didn't I just couldn't face the day.
Hugs to you! You are doing the right thing! I admire your husband for making that choice. I admire you for sticking by him and being willing to do it.
The only time I stopped using was when the pain outweighed my fear. It sucks but its true! Money is difficult to learn to manage, but bank accounts, direct deposit, and absolutely no cards helped me. My family told me to quit waiting tables for months because of the cash, but I simply couldn't because I wasn't ready yet.
I went through major codie withdrawls when my AH went to prison almost 2 months ago. I was filled with worry and fear. It was almost crippling being stuck in all of my "what if" thoughts. I had to go to a counsellor and discuss letting go... I'm still working on it. She has me set a timer, and write all of my worry for the amount of time I choose for that day. When I started and gave myself a couple hours, and then slowly weaned down. It's similar to subutex or methadone. It has really helped me. The trick is to plan an activity as soon as time is up, then stick to it. Eventually... I worry less and less. I like to "worry write" first thing in the morning, then pray. If I didn't I just couldn't face the day.
Hugs to you! You are doing the right thing! I admire your husband for making that choice. I admire you for sticking by him and being willing to do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
My daughter is back in the psych hospital. I am not sure why as I haven't spoken to here other then her preferred texts.
She was reportedly depressed and using "occasionally." She was in contact with my mother trying to live with her. My mom was on the edge of saying "ok." She was also talking to her father.
Her father and I are still offering her sober living. She was speaking to him, yesterday, and was saying how she was being discharged and had no place to go. I told him to keep reminding her what he was offering (sober living) but it was up to her.
She was reportedly depressed and using "occasionally." She was in contact with my mother trying to live with her. My mom was on the edge of saying "ok." She was also talking to her father.
Her father and I are still offering her sober living. She was speaking to him, yesterday, and was saying how she was being discharged and had no place to go. I told him to keep reminding her what he was offering (sober living) but it was up to her.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
TX I am sorry that is where addiction has driven her, however I am sure she would not be there if she did not need to be. As you said, he has offered her sober living, she does not want that. Enough said. It's a choice she is going to have to make.
I am so glad you are standing your ground and keeping yourself sane in all of this. As everyone says, you cannot be of help to anyone else if you don't take care of you. It does not mean you don't love her, just that you refuse to love her to death.
If they enable her she will not be well. It is not until she has to face the consequences and have no other choice but be sober...for herself...that she will do it. I hope your mom and her father are educated on how to handle an addict. Sounds like dad is.
Hugs to you. You are doing the right thing!
I am so glad you are standing your ground and keeping yourself sane in all of this. As everyone says, you cannot be of help to anyone else if you don't take care of you. It does not mean you don't love her, just that you refuse to love her to death.
If they enable her she will not be well. It is not until she has to face the consequences and have no other choice but be sober...for herself...that she will do it. I hope your mom and her father are educated on how to handle an addict. Sounds like dad is.
Hugs to you. You are doing the right thing!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Thanks hopeful...Dad used to be the #1 enabler but he has disconnected with the kids a great deal. He had to in order to regain his sanity. We both have our moments of wanting to help.
He lives out of the city most of the time so it's easier for him.
I am nowhere perfect but my sanity is important and my life has been "on hold" for the addict(s) in my life. I am so tired. Emotionally and otherwise. My business is nowhere I'd hoped but running a business takes energy. Where do I get that when my worry has often overtaken me?
Backing off, as a mom, has taken me time. I am better for now.
He lives out of the city most of the time so it's easier for him.
I am nowhere perfect but my sanity is important and my life has been "on hold" for the addict(s) in my life. I am so tired. Emotionally and otherwise. My business is nowhere I'd hoped but running a business takes energy. Where do I get that when my worry has often overtaken me?
Backing off, as a mom, has taken me time. I am better for now.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I don't think it will ever toally stop, because you are a mom. You don't have an off switch.
However...you are capable of using your education about addiction to do the right thing, which you are. Dealing with addiction and running a business has to be a huge drain of energy. I hope you plan some nice things for you to give yourself a break once in a while.
Hugs and peace!
However...you are capable of using your education about addiction to do the right thing, which you are. Dealing with addiction and running a business has to be a huge drain of energy. I hope you plan some nice things for you to give yourself a break once in a while.
Hugs and peace!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Txhelp My husband owns a business and he was not there emotionally for at least two months while we went through our hell with our son. He was there all the time physically but he couldn't do a simple thing because he was so tired, so depressed and cried in private all the time.
It is very difficult to be able to think clearly and function at the level necessary for work when dealing with such an emotionally draining issue.
I think you are doing all you can for your daughter and I think you are doing the RIGHT things. You are not enabling and allowing her to make her own choices.
Backing off does take time and I too am still learning it but I know I am getting better as well (thanks to the people here!). We will always care, we will always worry.
Hope you get some much needed rest both physically, mentally and emotionally. Don't push yourself too hard. You can only do what you can do TX. Your body will get sick if you do not take good care of yourself!
Hugs.
It is very difficult to be able to think clearly and function at the level necessary for work when dealing with such an emotionally draining issue.
I think you are doing all you can for your daughter and I think you are doing the RIGHT things. You are not enabling and allowing her to make her own choices.
Backing off does take time and I too am still learning it but I know I am getting better as well (thanks to the people here!). We will always care, we will always worry.
Hope you get some much needed rest both physically, mentally and emotionally. Don't push yourself too hard. You can only do what you can do TX. Your body will get sick if you do not take good care of yourself!
Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
My daughter's father best friend and his wife are going to visit my daughter in the psych hospital. He and his wife are very connected in the AA community and often serve to help those wanting to recover.
They will be bringing a few young women, from a sober living home, that can give her a first hand experience of living in one. She hasn't ruled it out previously but she hasn't moved, on her own, in that direction. Perhaps this will be the catalyst.
My mother contacted me, tonight, stating that she was going to offer my daughter a place to stay with rules. I discussed that other option that is going on the table and stated that sober living would probably be best.
I am not sure what my mother will do but ultimately it's up to my daughter and whether she wants recovery.
They will be bringing a few young women, from a sober living home, that can give her a first hand experience of living in one. She hasn't ruled it out previously but she hasn't moved, on her own, in that direction. Perhaps this will be the catalyst.
My mother contacted me, tonight, stating that she was going to offer my daughter a place to stay with rules. I discussed that other option that is going on the table and stated that sober living would probably be best.
I am not sure what my mother will do but ultimately it's up to my daughter and whether she wants recovery.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Txhelp, I've just read this thread & I'm so happy for you that your daughter's father's best friend & wife are going there to visit her & bringing others to encourage her to accept the sober living house. That is so wonderful. I hope that she accepts. That would be best.
I do feel sad for your Mother though. She's in a real tough spot. I can't imagine dealing with addiction with my beautiful grand daughter. Being a grandma is nothing like being a Mom. It's a whole different level. Good luck. I'll be waiting to hear your updates.
I do feel sad for your Mother though. She's in a real tough spot. I can't imagine dealing with addiction with my beautiful grand daughter. Being a grandma is nothing like being a Mom. It's a whole different level. Good luck. I'll be waiting to hear your updates.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Yes! Nina Kay...I feel for me mom. She really has seen me go through rough times with my children. She knows the details but really hasn't lived the in/outs of living with an addict that you love so very dearly. She knows I went through Heck and have tried everything.
She feels compelled to have her stay with her. I understand and will not tell her what to do. She knows what she's getting into...We will see.
She feels compelled to have her stay with her. I understand and will not tell her what to do. She knows what she's getting into...We will see.
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