steelman1649

As some of you know my 30 yr. old (I’m 38) AW moved out in August unexpectedly. After a few weeks of digging at the truth she finally confessed that she "fell in love" with a 20 year old temp that works for her. After about a month of dealing with the reality of that information, I discussed divorce with her. She told me she wanted to move back in and work on things, she realizes how foolish her infatuation was and that she didn't want to lose me.

I spent most of the past 5 months working on myself, getting counseling, going to al-anon, reading everything I can get my hands on, getting healthy. She spent that time doing nothing, but the usual drunken escapades 4-5 nights a week. Not meeting financial responsibilities, blowing off my birthday, xmas, etc.

I felt as though I did my best to save our marriage and gave her time to grow up and get things together, but since that didn't happen we planned for her to move out the day after xmas. Of course that was an emotional day and we both were wildly upset and it didn't happen. She begged to stay and said she would work harder on things.

That's when she dropped the bomb. Even though she cut off all communication outside of work with the 20 year old, she told me she still has feelings for him. It was hard enough 5 months ago to deal with some ridiculous infatuation that was supposedly over, but to know now that it continues is heartbreaking.

In a couple of weeks I am getting a work promotion that will move me to a new level of professional success and financial stability. I'm also doing fantastic right now in my grad class (no idea how that is happening given the daily distractions). Professionally my hard work is finally paying off.

What kind of a loser stays with someone who has feelings for a kid 10? How can i be such a successful and confident person in the workplace and allow myself to be walked all over in my personal life? I keep thinking she doesn't deserve to be a part of this new stage in my life.

Can anyone give me some perspective?

Hollyanne

I am an alcoholic, sober three years.
I just read this and what jumped out at me is the cruelty.
She has no reason to tell you of her feelings for the kid except to stick a knife in you and be cruel. She has no advantage, except to be mean and cruel and keep you doubled over in pain. She is doing a good job.
The second thing that jumped out at me is this.
You are seriously going places with your career and if you go to the point of the promotion with her in tow, you will be making financial payments based on that new financial status.
She is heading for the cliff-edge.
She is going to be unemployed soon and she will have your new big fat paycheck to depend on.
If you spoke to a shark lawyer right now they would tell you "drop the hatch, now!".
You can always change your mind but start the clock at now.
That is my opinion.

Lewis73

Been in a very similar place...AW hooked up with some youngster in a club last Jan then in a hotel room while we were "on a break" (a break for her to get well...not laid!)

The thing I have found most useful......people telling me my "marriage" sucks. You get so used to it being the norm you sometimes need someone outside to hear your story and say "dude.....that is crap, what the hell are you doing with her"

You are also similar age to me.....and I can assure you....that is no age at all! You have a LONG time ahead - spend it with someone worthy of you....because from where I'm sitting - your current relationship sucks!

9111111

I'm successful in my career because I put in the extra effort when things get tough, and always try to make things work.
Same attitude got me stuck in hell for a couple of years.
Trying to make my life "work" again got me out of the mud...

Hammer

A-Land is just one mess after another.

But it ends for you -- whenever you say so.

Sure. The promises are literal. Real stuff coming into the Real World.

Look, you are working the program (super job, you btw -- have to tell you once you really get in to it -- It is about like Alanon Grad school). THAT means you get to start Claiming some of the Promises.

So they are YOURS. As for still drunky drunky wife . . . ummmm . . . not so much.

===============

THE PROMISES

The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.

THE A.A. PROMISES

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

Lewis73

This is a great point.

Took me 3 years to realize her being a drunk wasn't something I could fix like every other problem that came across my desk.

For someone used to getting what they want (thorough skill, hard work, luck, whatever).....being helpless while they decline in front of you is tough to get your head round.

evangeline068

My AH wound up telling me he wanted to stay together but then told me he still had feelings for someone else.
In my case I believe he only said he wanted to stay together because he needed the safety net, but he needed to plant the seed of someone else to give himself an excuse if he failed to be faithful (i.e. "you knew I wasn't over so and so") . He of course failed - not with that person (they got married), but with someone else. He then said it was his feeling of inadequacy and being unemployed that causes him to cheat. (its always something other than his bad decisions or his drinking)
My AH always had issues with accepting accountability or taking responsibility for himself and this was just one more thing.

We are divorcing now and I have purposely held off on taking my final class to get my degree and have not accepted a promotion (and the associated pay increase) so that I do not have to give him even more money. Yes, he is asking for alimony and child support (50% custody).

Ultimately you have to do what is right for you. But I couldn't take the lack of respect anymore. If I let my AH continue to abuse me emotionally and disrespect me and my house, what was I teaching my kids? My oldest is torn between hating booze and defending his dad's habits. (Daddy before he drives but Daddy doesn't drink "while" he's driving). Yes, an 8 year defending drinking and driving - this is nuts.

Take care of yourself.

lillamy

It's a really good question and one I asked myself, too, when I was married to an A.
My answer was that... at work, I had a very clear job description. It delineated what I was expected to do. If I had ideas outside of that, I would go to my supervisor who would either go "nah" or "great idea, go for it" and I would. There were clear expectations, clear guidelines, clear areas of responsibility.

At work, I never thought it was my job to pick up the secretary's phone, change the ink in the printer, or move furniture when a new employee needed another desk. It's not that I wasn't available to do any of the above if asked -- I just didn't feel bad if I didn't do it for them

At home, though, there was no clear delineation. AXH's feelings/problems/issues were heaped on me -- and I took them on. Comparing to work, it would be like walking into the office and know that ANYTHING THAT NEEDED DOING from scrubbing toilets to having a meeting with the Counsel General of Thailand was my responsibility.

When I managed to figure out what WAS my job description at home (care for and support myself and the children -- period), it was easier to leave.

FireSprite

Fricken Fracken brilliant illustration.


I would also add that for me:

1. I tend to be a hard worker (as most of us Codies can relate to) and don't cut & run when something starts to become challenging.... like 911 pointed out, it becomes chains that we tie ourseves to.

2. The true scope of what dealing with addiction means isn't always easy & clear to see - what I might perceive to be a small mudhole ended up being quicksand at times. I didn't have enough knowledge & understanding to navigate it well before things fell apart. I didn't chalk many of his "isms" up to his addiction because I was not seeing the connection between the addiction/behaviors/damage.

3. Learning to create boundaries, after a lifetime of living with codependency/ACoA feels wrong... like I'm being hurtful to others & selfish by putting my needs first.

4. I was the "frog in the pot of cold water" that heated degree by degree - I constantly adjusted an inch at a time only to look up & find myself MILES away before I realized it.

9111111

" I was the "frog in the pot of cold water" that heated degree by degree" -

So true, different pot, different frog, same game. I even noticed "my" pot was standing on a stove in a french restaurant, yet still I thought that after all this time the chef would have my best interest in mind. I should have read the menue...

Katiekate

It is a Hell of a lot easier to be sucessful in a career than in a relationship.

A career path has a blueprint, relationships do not.

Ease up on yourself love. You are moving in a direction that will free you up from all of this emotional baggage.

Dont' take responsibility for her immaturity, her alcoholism or her inability to live a life of integrity.

You are on the right path.

Katie xo

EnglishGarden

Sometimes it takes a few running starts before we can end a marriage to an active alcoholic. You've had a couple. Keep trying.

steelman1649

I've never been a great runner

hopeful4

You dont have to be a great runner to make it to the finish line, just have dedication and perseverance.

Good Luck!

readerbaby71

I couldn't stay with someone who had feelings for someone else. Don't be surprised if she ends up seeing him again. A 20 year old? How immature is she?! I say get out while the getting's good. You've done a lot of work on yourself and are doing well professionally. This could be a chance to take your life in a whole different direction. Sorry you're going through this.

steelman1649

That's the biggest part I'm struggling with. There is a new direction coming up career wise, seems like a good starting point to change my personal life stuff too.

You are right. I could have never imagined staying with someone who has feelings for someone else, let alone someone his age! I have no idea why I keep pushing that fact down...it just keeps bubbling to the surface. The worst part is they still work together. Who knows the stupid inappropriate crap that's going on everyday.

Hammer

We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

So where is it?


/

Aeryn

Just another pebble to throw in the mix..even if at some point your AW chooses recovery there is no guarantee the new her will be compatible with the new you (I've experienced that with my XRAH)......so for me putting any part of my life on hold for him would have been a bad idea and would have created some resentments (actually I did back when I was with him and have some I've had to work through)....the best I can do is let it all be and move on with my life - who knows maybe 4-5 years from now we'll cross paths and reconnect the romantic relationship but it's not there now and I can't put my life on hold (life only happens once) for it.

I gotta say that taking the alcohol out of the equation an emotional affair for me is a deal breaker...but that's not the case for all couples.

Florence

When my STBXAH and I were dating, he had an emotional affair with a coworker. (I was told it was emotional-only, though I have more than enough reason to believe that's not true all these years later.) I married him anyway. We had some problems from the get-go, but that was the thing I always returned to. Stepping outside of our relationship was a dealbreaker for me -- except when it meant actually breaking the deal, I held on tighter. I told myself I was strong and a hard worker and that I could power through this. So I did. Why? What about this cheating, alcoholic drinking, emotionally distant person was so hard to let go of? Whatever it was, it wasn't about him, it was about me. Letting go was weakness, or letting go was abandoning a person in need, or letting go would mean facing up to all my abandonment issues and family issues stemming from childhood onward. But that moment, when I had to choose between the clarity of breaking it off with someone who was lying to and cheating on me, and holding onto an unsound-but-known constant, is when I stopped respecting my own decisions in the relationship. I'd gone all in -- I wanted to see my bets paid off.

Then, on our honeymoon, he picked a fight with me and left me alone in the suite while he walked to some bar, where I found him hours later flirting with a waitress. On that night I thought, this was a mistake. I soldiered on anyway.

Here's what I know today: Cheating is a dealbreaker. Addiction is a deal breaker. Lying to me is a deal breaker. Stealing from me is a deal breaker.

I don't care what special snowflake my SO has, had, or will have in the future. Cheating, lying and stealing is a deal breaker. And addiction, since I've been there, is a no-go. Never again. If I can't trust my significant other to have my well being in mind, what's the point? The only way I know this with such clarity is because I lived the opposite, and I can say with all confidence that being sad, alone, unsafe, and insecure in your own home is a living nightmare.

***

Also, I think we get so used to adapting to maladaptive behavior -- and isolated from normal couples -- that we forget or don't know what non-addictive marriage problems look like.

PippiLngstockng

It isn't too often in life that trying one's best and perservance don't get you where you want to go. I have made a lot happen in my life because I can deal with pain, put in hard effort, adapt, trouble shoot, do without, work for a higher goal.

Until my A came into my life.

The moment I had it figured out though, the instant I got the 3 cs, I was out of there.

Just like we learn the multiplication tables and how to conjugate French verbs, we should be taught that there are times, in fact, when the best thing to do is let go.

Not what our culture teaches us will bring success, perhaps. Not what the ministers preach on a wedding day. Wish we'd all have figured this out earlier, though.