Not Sure What to Do or Say
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 12
Not Sure What to Do or Say
Hi everyone. I have posted previously about problems with my alcoholic partner. We have been together now 10 months, apart from a month when I threw him out and wouldn't take him back because of his drunken behaviour. We have had issues since that, but for the past couple of months things have been ok. He has a few beers after work, maybe a few more on Friday nights, which I don't mind, as he's stopped the "driving off to go somewhere to get more drunk" behaviour and he's been a lot nicer person. My problem is that, on occasions, he still "sneaks" extra drinks, hides beer and lies to me about it. Today, my son went to his toolbox to borrow some tools and here was a carton of beer in there that I knew nothing about. Don't even know where he got the money for it from as I control the finances, he gives me his pay and I know exactly how much should be there. I have a suspicion he may have "booked it up" at the bottle shop where he cashes his pay cheque every week. I just hate being lied to and taken for a fool. Other than these things, he is the most loving, caring helpful man I have ever met and I am proud of him, considering the amount he used to drink before and his behaviour, he has changed a lot. I just don't know what to say to him, if anything about the beer my son found. Money has been a bit tight lately and it angers me that he has spent that much on grog, not to mention the fact he must think I'm stupid. Any suggestions as to how to handle this? I don't want to argue with him, I just want to let him know that I don't like being deceived.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
Des,
His behavior seems very typical of someone with an addiction problem. Lying, hiding alcohol and sneaking it when you're not looking is one of the symptoms of the disease.
For a long time I tried to grasp why the people close to me in my life were addicted to alcohol. No answer that I came up with ever seemed to explain the completely irrational behavior that I saw. The only thing that really helped me to understand was reading the material out there. The best book that I found, and a book that many have talked about on the forum is Under the Influence. It's a good starting point.
C
His behavior seems very typical of someone with an addiction problem. Lying, hiding alcohol and sneaking it when you're not looking is one of the symptoms of the disease.
For a long time I tried to grasp why the people close to me in my life were addicted to alcohol. No answer that I came up with ever seemed to explain the completely irrational behavior that I saw. The only thing that really helped me to understand was reading the material out there. The best book that I found, and a book that many have talked about on the forum is Under the Influence. It's a good starting point.
C
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm curious why you're controlling the income of a man that you've dated inconsistently for 10 months. If he wants to buy alcohol and drink it, you will not be able to stop him. No matter what. You will also not be able to make him stop lying or sneaking around about buying and consuming alcohol. Addicts protect their addictions at any cost until they decide to stop and some people never stop.
Also, what made you let him back after you kicked him out the first time?
Also, what made you let him back after you kicked him out the first time?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
As an adult, he has the right to drink if he wants to. There's nothing you can do about that. However, if you want him to know that you know he's hiding beer, then tell him you know. Just don't expect it to have much affect, except he might just bring the beer into the house and put it in the fridge so you can't say he's hiding anything.
Surely he has access to the bank account where his money is, right? He should, especially since you aren't even married. If he wants to spend some of the money he earns on beer, that is his right, too.
Surely he has access to the bank account where his money is, right? He should, especially since you aren't even married. If he wants to spend some of the money he earns on beer, that is his right, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 12
Firstly, it was his idea for me to take care of the money. He doesn't trust himself I'm sure and I'm better at budgeting household bills etc. secondly, the fact that he got it isn't really the issue, it's the deception and making me feel like I'm stupid. And no, I probably shouldn't have taken him back, but like a lot of others, I love him and could see the good underneath it all, and he has made some effort. He gets paid by cheque, not directly into a bank account, not that that has anything to do with anyone else. I wrote on here to get some advice as to how to handle the current situation, not to be spoken down to or judged on my choices.. Shame really, I have always found this sight a great inspiration, but I won't bother with it anymore. Thanks Chantal88, at least your post was a help and I will certainly look up that book.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi Des,
I am sorry that you are going through this. It hurts. I haven't been posting here recently but your post struck a chord so for what its worth I can share some of my experience.
I see two issues here. The sneaking drinking and lying about it, and the finances. My husband used to leave the house to go drink and drug more. Disappear all night long. On nights that he didn't disappear all night long he was "sneaking" his drug of choice but I knew what he was doing. It was obvious what was going on. Even though your partner has said he has cut back and isn't going out, he is still drinking. That is his choice. You can certainly ask about the hidden bottles. He can either admit or deny that he has been drinking. Will it make any difference to you or to your relationship in the long run other than being proved right that he is sneaking alcohol if he admits it or making you angry if he denies it? What will you do about it? What if he says "so what?" What if he says "no I'm not?" You will never get a satisfactory answer. He has made his choice and that is to do something you aren't happy about and he knows you are not happy about. Only you can decide if this is acceptable to you.
The same with the finances which is mainly the part of your post that spoke to me because I understand fear and anxiety that goes with not having enough money and panicking about how bills were going to be paid. Any control you think you have over finances is an illusion. Especially if he is cashing his checks before giving you money. To protect yourself you need to realize this right now if you haven't already and protect yourself accordingly. I amassed a huge amount of debt because of this issue.
I was in the same boat as you. I "controlled" the finances because my husband would spend practically every dime of his check on drink and drugs. He would cash his check and then give me some amount which was never what his check was for. I would tell him repeatedly that I relied on his check making it home intact but that never worked out. I had to detach and live within a budget based on what I made and then some...because he still had living expenses that I would pay for which his check should have covered. Like gas and insurance for his car. I was enabling him because not only was he not giving me his check to cover bills I was giving him more money to pay the bills his checks should have covered so any "control" I had was an illusion. I had no control over the finances. And then there was the amounts of money, HUGE amounts of money, that he owed for drugs which his dealer fronted to him. He would badger me to give him hundreds of dollars (not all at once) to pay these off so that he could focus on getting sober...that was an illusion too.
You cannot control what he does with either the drink or the money. It hurts. It really does hurt and I understand that. No one likes being played for a fool or to feel taken advantage of. You can rely only upon yourself. He is not doing this to make you feel awful but that is the impact it is having. Protect yourself. Make him responsible for his own finances and do not rely on whatever you think he may give you. Do not build up hope that this week the finances will turn around if only. Because "if only" may never, ever happen.
What did I do? I kicked my husband out two days after Christmas because he didn't come home for Christmas. I am thankful for the little amount of money he has given me since then but I do not and cannot rely on it. He doesn't have a bank account so if he asks me to make a bill payment for him I will do it but only after I have cash in hand. Is it my responsibility? No.
Long story short...make a budget based on any money that you make. Don't give him money for his expenses out of what you make as he should be paying his own bills. He is a grown man and the consequences of his own actions are those he should face. It is hard to do. Believe me I understand. I have been married for nine years to this man and only within the past month have I finally gotten to this point that I am not freaking out about money because I took back actual control over my finances - by not expecting anything from him and hoping that he would give me money and not giving him any money. Stay strong. I am sending you good vibes.
I am sorry that you are going through this. It hurts. I haven't been posting here recently but your post struck a chord so for what its worth I can share some of my experience.
I see two issues here. The sneaking drinking and lying about it, and the finances. My husband used to leave the house to go drink and drug more. Disappear all night long. On nights that he didn't disappear all night long he was "sneaking" his drug of choice but I knew what he was doing. It was obvious what was going on. Even though your partner has said he has cut back and isn't going out, he is still drinking. That is his choice. You can certainly ask about the hidden bottles. He can either admit or deny that he has been drinking. Will it make any difference to you or to your relationship in the long run other than being proved right that he is sneaking alcohol if he admits it or making you angry if he denies it? What will you do about it? What if he says "so what?" What if he says "no I'm not?" You will never get a satisfactory answer. He has made his choice and that is to do something you aren't happy about and he knows you are not happy about. Only you can decide if this is acceptable to you.
The same with the finances which is mainly the part of your post that spoke to me because I understand fear and anxiety that goes with not having enough money and panicking about how bills were going to be paid. Any control you think you have over finances is an illusion. Especially if he is cashing his checks before giving you money. To protect yourself you need to realize this right now if you haven't already and protect yourself accordingly. I amassed a huge amount of debt because of this issue.
I was in the same boat as you. I "controlled" the finances because my husband would spend practically every dime of his check on drink and drugs. He would cash his check and then give me some amount which was never what his check was for. I would tell him repeatedly that I relied on his check making it home intact but that never worked out. I had to detach and live within a budget based on what I made and then some...because he still had living expenses that I would pay for which his check should have covered. Like gas and insurance for his car. I was enabling him because not only was he not giving me his check to cover bills I was giving him more money to pay the bills his checks should have covered so any "control" I had was an illusion. I had no control over the finances. And then there was the amounts of money, HUGE amounts of money, that he owed for drugs which his dealer fronted to him. He would badger me to give him hundreds of dollars (not all at once) to pay these off so that he could focus on getting sober...that was an illusion too.
You cannot control what he does with either the drink or the money. It hurts. It really does hurt and I understand that. No one likes being played for a fool or to feel taken advantage of. You can rely only upon yourself. He is not doing this to make you feel awful but that is the impact it is having. Protect yourself. Make him responsible for his own finances and do not rely on whatever you think he may give you. Do not build up hope that this week the finances will turn around if only. Because "if only" may never, ever happen.
What did I do? I kicked my husband out two days after Christmas because he didn't come home for Christmas. I am thankful for the little amount of money he has given me since then but I do not and cannot rely on it. He doesn't have a bank account so if he asks me to make a bill payment for him I will do it but only after I have cash in hand. Is it my responsibility? No.
Long story short...make a budget based on any money that you make. Don't give him money for his expenses out of what you make as he should be paying his own bills. He is a grown man and the consequences of his own actions are those he should face. It is hard to do. Believe me I understand. I have been married for nine years to this man and only within the past month have I finally gotten to this point that I am not freaking out about money because I took back actual control over my finances - by not expecting anything from him and hoping that he would give me money and not giving him any money. Stay strong. I am sending you good vibes.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Hi Des...
I'm wondering if you have educated yourself on alcoholism? The behaviors exhibited by your ABF are pretty typical but you seem surprised that he behaves this way. I looked back at a couple of your other posts and it seems that your relationship cycle is pretty typical for abuse as well. There are some great stickies at the top of the forum you may want to review.
What are you doing for yourself? In another post you mentioned that your children are mostly grown and there is not much to do in your area. As others have previously suggested, it may be time to see why you have chosen A partners multiple times. I'm learning that to have a healthy relationship with my RAH, I have to have a healthy relationship with myself - only I can make myself happy.
Please take care of yourself - read up on this disease, read the threads here at SR, check out AlAnon (they have online meetings available). Please think of what example you are setting for your son - do you want him to learn that it is okay to walk all over a woman? To abuse her?
I am concerned about your situation. I know the responses you received were not what you hoped, but I do suggest you look back at your previous posts and you may see why you received these responses. I read a thread earlier today that I think may help you process...http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
I'm wondering if you have educated yourself on alcoholism? The behaviors exhibited by your ABF are pretty typical but you seem surprised that he behaves this way. I looked back at a couple of your other posts and it seems that your relationship cycle is pretty typical for abuse as well. There are some great stickies at the top of the forum you may want to review.
What are you doing for yourself? In another post you mentioned that your children are mostly grown and there is not much to do in your area. As others have previously suggested, it may be time to see why you have chosen A partners multiple times. I'm learning that to have a healthy relationship with my RAH, I have to have a healthy relationship with myself - only I can make myself happy.
Please take care of yourself - read up on this disease, read the threads here at SR, check out AlAnon (they have online meetings available). Please think of what example you are setting for your son - do you want him to learn that it is okay to walk all over a woman? To abuse her?
I am concerned about your situation. I know the responses you received were not what you hoped, but I do suggest you look back at your previous posts and you may see why you received these responses. I read a thread earlier today that I think may help you process...http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-they-do.html
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