Freaking out and other Ruminations
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 26
Freaking out and other Ruminations
I took a step today. I made an appointment to see "my doctor" on Monday. Ok, so I've never seen "my doctor" before. I haven't seen a doctor since the last time I was in a rehab five years ago.
I'm freaking out because I've got this voice in my head that keeps screaming "you're not an alcoholic"!
I talked to a friend of mine tonight that lives up in Philly. I told her that I was thinking about going into a rehab. She agreed that's probably the best thing for me after hearing the brunt of my story. Then, as we were about to hang up, her advice was "go take a hot shower, grab a book, try to avoid drinking and get some sleep tonight." This was after an hour+ of trying to explain to her that I drink to a blackout, every night. I know I can't expect her to understand completely, but it was frustrating none-the-less. (nope, no romantic involvement here, I've just known her a long time, and she's one of the few friends I still have)
Something else really scares me about getting sober. I've always been awkwardly shy, specifically when it comes to meeting girls. When I drink, I lose those inhibitions. What happens when I get sober? Do I crawl back into my shell?
Do they make medication that makes you feel "normal"? I know, that's probably a rheotrical question.
I want out of this, but I'm somehow afraid the results may not be worth the effort.
I'm freaking out because I've got this voice in my head that keeps screaming "you're not an alcoholic"!
I talked to a friend of mine tonight that lives up in Philly. I told her that I was thinking about going into a rehab. She agreed that's probably the best thing for me after hearing the brunt of my story. Then, as we were about to hang up, her advice was "go take a hot shower, grab a book, try to avoid drinking and get some sleep tonight." This was after an hour+ of trying to explain to her that I drink to a blackout, every night. I know I can't expect her to understand completely, but it was frustrating none-the-less. (nope, no romantic involvement here, I've just known her a long time, and she's one of the few friends I still have)
Something else really scares me about getting sober. I've always been awkwardly shy, specifically when it comes to meeting girls. When I drink, I lose those inhibitions. What happens when I get sober? Do I crawl back into my shell?
Do they make medication that makes you feel "normal"? I know, that's probably a rheotrical question.
I want out of this, but I'm somehow afraid the results may not be worth the effort.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hey Tech!
Glad you have that appointment! Be honest with them, and don't be surprised, if he' not as understanding as you expect. It's good to get a physical, blood work, and make sure your fit.
Ya know, I soooo feared sobriety too. One huge reason it took so long, or perhaps, for me an excuse, as I had become "socially retarted" as someone put it. I used to be a very outgoing bubbly person, until my drinking took over all that. I worried, if I got sober, I couldn't communicate with my husband, my friends, go out and associate like normal non-drinkers could.
But I assure you, it's all working out as it's supposed to. Once in the program of AA, I began to meet and actually associate with the people in the rooms. Found some great woman to hang out with, do lunch, movies etc. I needed them to show me how to break out of my shell of isolation that had become pretty darn thick. It's a process.
Getting sober can't and won't hurt you. We begin to grow from the day we get sober. We learn to walk and be a part of life all over again. On this second chance at it, you can become anyone you want to be, confident, sociable, self-assured. Sure it takes some work, getting used to, but when you meet that first girl sober, or you have a social event sober, you can remember, when you can finally sleep again, sober, you'll soon realize it's not so much the fear of sobriety, but the fear of being in life that was holding you back. You'll be provided with many tools in sobriety, so that you can walk with your head held high, confident, and self-assured, this was the best thing you could have ever done.
Your miracle is waiting for you, you just have to commit to it.
Glad you have that appointment! Be honest with them, and don't be surprised, if he' not as understanding as you expect. It's good to get a physical, blood work, and make sure your fit.
Ya know, I soooo feared sobriety too. One huge reason it took so long, or perhaps, for me an excuse, as I had become "socially retarted" as someone put it. I used to be a very outgoing bubbly person, until my drinking took over all that. I worried, if I got sober, I couldn't communicate with my husband, my friends, go out and associate like normal non-drinkers could.
But I assure you, it's all working out as it's supposed to. Once in the program of AA, I began to meet and actually associate with the people in the rooms. Found some great woman to hang out with, do lunch, movies etc. I needed them to show me how to break out of my shell of isolation that had become pretty darn thick. It's a process.
Getting sober can't and won't hurt you. We begin to grow from the day we get sober. We learn to walk and be a part of life all over again. On this second chance at it, you can become anyone you want to be, confident, sociable, self-assured. Sure it takes some work, getting used to, but when you meet that first girl sober, or you have a social event sober, you can remember, when you can finally sleep again, sober, you'll soon realize it's not so much the fear of sobriety, but the fear of being in life that was holding you back. You'll be provided with many tools in sobriety, so that you can walk with your head held high, confident, and self-assured, this was the best thing you could have ever done.
Your miracle is waiting for you, you just have to commit to it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 26
One other thing I'm still worried about. What happens when I feel like I never reached my "bottom"? I like drinking so much that I'm afraid as soon as I walk out of a rehab and am on my own again, I'll go straight to the store and buy a bottle to take home with me.
As said above, I'm just really freaking out over getting sober.
I don't want to be like this years from now.
As said above, I'm just really freaking out over getting sober.
I don't want to be like this years from now.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
How bad do you want it to get before your ready I ask you? We all have different bottoms, not all loose everything. Many didn't have those "yet's" happen. Losing the job yet, the wife, yet, a dui yet, an accident, yet!
If your at this point, wanting and reaching out for help. Trying to decide if your ready, if you've had enough, if you want to wake in the morning remembering the night before, I'd say you've met your bottom.
If your at this point, wanting and reaching out for help. Trying to decide if your ready, if you've had enough, if you want to wake in the morning remembering the night before, I'd say you've met your bottom.
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
What is there that you don't want to let go of? What kind of relationship will you have if you pass out every night you drink? Insanity is doing the samething over and over expecting different results!!! Sounds that being worried about the girl is the last thing that needs to be worried about. Acceptance of this disease is important, being sick and tired of being sick and tired breaks you down that its your ass you have to save. And you can't save your ass and face at the same time.I wish you much luck on finding your way to recovery. Each day without a substance in your body to help you deal with feelings is a miracle. When you black out or pass out everyday, it's a problem, and it's worth taking a look at, if you can live through it long enough. When cleaning up, and identifying the problem through working the 12 steps, life opens up more than you can imagine. I wish you luck in coming to grips with this, as many stood here before you asking those same questions, and have found a better way of life!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
I was worried about not having anything to overcome my inhibitions.. Now I worry that I never had any inhibitions in the first place with or without the booze and dope. The hardest part of this sober business seems to be coming to the awarenes that you no longer have the "I was loaded" excuse.
What have you got to lose? Try being sober for a while.. give it a chance and if your not satisfied with the results after you go through the steps with a sponsor you can always go to that liquor store.
What have you got to lose? Try being sober for a while.. give it a chance and if your not satisfied with the results after you go through the steps with a sponsor you can always go to that liquor store.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 26
Chy, thanks, as always. You're so gifted at coming up with the right words at the right time.
I'm just so darn afraid right now.
I really must say that if it wasn't for this board, I know I wouldn't be at a point of trying to find some sanity.
My friend's advice for this weekend was "try to find something to occupy you and keep you away from bars." I honestly didn't know how to tell her that I've tried so many times to do that, but it didn't work.
I don't know what I'll do this weekend. I don't have a clue how to keep from drinking on Saturday.
I guess a huge part of me is saying "this will be your last big HOORAA, so go all out."
I'm just so darn afraid right now.
I really must say that if it wasn't for this board, I know I wouldn't be at a point of trying to find some sanity.
My friend's advice for this weekend was "try to find something to occupy you and keep you away from bars." I honestly didn't know how to tell her that I've tried so many times to do that, but it didn't work.
I don't know what I'll do this weekend. I don't have a clue how to keep from drinking on Saturday.
I guess a huge part of me is saying "this will be your last big HOORAA, so go all out."
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Colchester CT
Posts: 13
I would recommend going to an AA/NA meeting and talking to some of the people there. Sounds like your friends advise was good. You should hang onto that friend: your going to need as many of those kind of friends as you can get when your in recovery.
There is a strong temptation to use just before we go into detox. Remember that it could also end up being the last big anything you ever do too.
I'm sorry to report that there is no pill to make you feel normal. If there was, none of us would be here. You are probably already normal anyway. It may be how you feel about your self that is ALL that is making you THINK that you are not normal. That is your own self image YOU have created - the shell you talk about. Like many of us, you do not yet realize that you created this. It's seeds may have been sown when you had no choice but to believe they were true. You have a choice now. You probably feel that you have a right to drink because you have those feelings. Your conscience has granted you a special exception to yourself when it comes to dealing with those feelings. After all, they are worse than everyone else's - because everyone else is normal and I'm not. So it becomes ok to use. We give ourselves permission to think we are not normal and that gives us permission to use.
You want the magic pill? Go and find those seeds someone you loved more than anything planted in your head. Recite the exact message they gave to you to another person. When those words come out of your mouth and are exposed to the light of day, the message they contained will wither and die. All that will be left is the pure and simple truth about you.
I promise you, it's a whole lot better than what you feel you are now.
There is a strong temptation to use just before we go into detox. Remember that it could also end up being the last big anything you ever do too.
I'm sorry to report that there is no pill to make you feel normal. If there was, none of us would be here. You are probably already normal anyway. It may be how you feel about your self that is ALL that is making you THINK that you are not normal. That is your own self image YOU have created - the shell you talk about. Like many of us, you do not yet realize that you created this. It's seeds may have been sown when you had no choice but to believe they were true. You have a choice now. You probably feel that you have a right to drink because you have those feelings. Your conscience has granted you a special exception to yourself when it comes to dealing with those feelings. After all, they are worse than everyone else's - because everyone else is normal and I'm not. So it becomes ok to use. We give ourselves permission to think we are not normal and that gives us permission to use.
You want the magic pill? Go and find those seeds someone you loved more than anything planted in your head. Recite the exact message they gave to you to another person. When those words come out of your mouth and are exposed to the light of day, the message they contained will wither and die. All that will be left is the pure and simple truth about you.
I promise you, it's a whole lot better than what you feel you are now.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Hi TechGuy,
It is frustrating that other people just don't understand addiction. They don't understand why we can't just decide to not drink and they judge is for that, and they certainly don't understand how hard we try. I think, for the most part, you just have to accept that. That's one of the reasons I hang around here, because everyone understands and doesn't judge.
I know how scary it is. I thought I'd just be miserable and how would I cope with it. Well, I'm happy, working on peaceful and feel great. I'm doing all the things I gave up while I was drinking because my life focused on alcohol. The shy thing is a problem for me too. There's no question I'm not as comfortable meeting people now that I no longer have a glass of wine in my hand and in fact, I'm much more reluctant to go out now than I used to be. I have no more patience or interest in 'small talk' at all. And, it's fine. I would like to be more comfortable in social situationsl, but it's a small price to pay for being sober, a very small price.
Have faith that you'll feel so good when you become sober that you won't want to go out again and reach another bottom. You can do this!
Love, Anna
It is frustrating that other people just don't understand addiction. They don't understand why we can't just decide to not drink and they judge is for that, and they certainly don't understand how hard we try. I think, for the most part, you just have to accept that. That's one of the reasons I hang around here, because everyone understands and doesn't judge.
I know how scary it is. I thought I'd just be miserable and how would I cope with it. Well, I'm happy, working on peaceful and feel great. I'm doing all the things I gave up while I was drinking because my life focused on alcohol. The shy thing is a problem for me too. There's no question I'm not as comfortable meeting people now that I no longer have a glass of wine in my hand and in fact, I'm much more reluctant to go out now than I used to be. I have no more patience or interest in 'small talk' at all. And, it's fine. I would like to be more comfortable in social situationsl, but it's a small price to pay for being sober, a very small price.
Have faith that you'll feel so good when you become sober that you won't want to go out again and reach another bottom. You can do this!
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by TechGuy
This was after an hour+ of trying to explain to her that I drink to a blackout, every night.
We give ourselves permission to think we are not normal and that gives us permission to use.
And that is a sign of large hope.
I'm glad to see you again friend.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 26
Hmmm... As I was reading through this tonight, I realized I posted this on what would have been my 10th anniversery if I was still married. Strange.
Anyway, I went to the appointment with the doc. He was an idiot. He recommended me to a rehab, but that was about it. After working for the last 10 years in a medical-related industry, I've lost most of my respect for doctors.
I talked to a friend here in Atlanta who was extremely encouraging, and has been very supportive. That was harder than I could have imagined, but I got through it. And actually felt relieved afterwards.
I went to a local treatment center for an assessment last week. THAT WAS TOUGH! Long story short, I didn't care for the person I met with, but she recommened detox. I talked to someone in HR at my company, and she gave me some options. Turns out, I won't have to give my boss the full story after all. My insurance, on the ohter hand, is being a complete pain in the arse about this. The HR person is going to investigate further for me and let me know what the options are with the whole insurance thing.
Oh, the lady at the center concluded I was a dual-diagnosis. Big surprise there.
Well, I'm still scared about not having hit a bottom yet. I'm still scared to death at a life of sobriety. Yet, I know I can't keep going on this way. I just want off of this carousel.
Anyway, thanks for listening, as always. I actually can't wait till I can post a message to this board completely sober or to just say I've been sober for more than a couple of days.
Anyway, I went to the appointment with the doc. He was an idiot. He recommended me to a rehab, but that was about it. After working for the last 10 years in a medical-related industry, I've lost most of my respect for doctors.
I talked to a friend here in Atlanta who was extremely encouraging, and has been very supportive. That was harder than I could have imagined, but I got through it. And actually felt relieved afterwards.
I went to a local treatment center for an assessment last week. THAT WAS TOUGH! Long story short, I didn't care for the person I met with, but she recommened detox. I talked to someone in HR at my company, and she gave me some options. Turns out, I won't have to give my boss the full story after all. My insurance, on the ohter hand, is being a complete pain in the arse about this. The HR person is going to investigate further for me and let me know what the options are with the whole insurance thing.
Oh, the lady at the center concluded I was a dual-diagnosis. Big surprise there.
Well, I'm still scared about not having hit a bottom yet. I'm still scared to death at a life of sobriety. Yet, I know I can't keep going on this way. I just want off of this carousel.
Anyway, thanks for listening, as always. I actually can't wait till I can post a message to this board completely sober or to just say I've been sober for more than a couple of days.
we're all mad here!
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: a padded room with bars
Posts: 1,681
I drank to blackout too, That was my purpose in drinking.
Maybe a detox or rehab would be a good thing.
You express worry that you fear you will become socially inept. In sobriety, you will meet ppl who have the same worries as you, as well as ppl who are more socially capable than some of us. If you go to AA and its functions, you will find that ppl go out of their way to talk to the newcomer, to make the newcomer feel welcome.
Dual diagnosed? Join the club. Anxiety and depression for me. I can tell you tho..... drinking made it worse!
Worried about having not hit "bottom" yet? Every person's bottom is different. You don't have to hit the "bottom" that some of us have. And..... why push it until you hit "bottom"?
Gooch said....
Wise words.
Maybe a detox or rehab would be a good thing.
You express worry that you fear you will become socially inept. In sobriety, you will meet ppl who have the same worries as you, as well as ppl who are more socially capable than some of us. If you go to AA and its functions, you will find that ppl go out of their way to talk to the newcomer, to make the newcomer feel welcome.
Dual diagnosed? Join the club. Anxiety and depression for me. I can tell you tho..... drinking made it worse!
Worried about having not hit "bottom" yet? Every person's bottom is different. You don't have to hit the "bottom" that some of us have. And..... why push it until you hit "bottom"?
Gooch said....
What have you got to lose? Try being sober for a while.. give it a chance and if your not satisfied with the results after you go through the steps with a sponsor you can always go to that liquor store
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 26
Screw this. I'm out of here. It's not worth it. I'm drunk and I don't care. Fu-k work tomorrow. I just don't give a crap.
I know I'm being unreasonable, but that's the way it goes sometimes. Screw bottom. I could care less right now. I'm listening to some good music. Wolfsheim, if you've heard of them.
I want out, but not the way I guess most of you think.
Sobriety, screw that. I was afraid to check back here today, slightly rembering that I posted here last night. I swore that even if I did, I wouldn't post anything tongiht. Now that I'm tossed, I could care less.
I'm tired, of life that is, so **** al of this. I'm sorry, I don't mean to b so dramatic. But that's where I'm at. I'm done.
I know I'm being unreasonable, but that's the way it goes sometimes. Screw bottom. I could care less right now. I'm listening to some good music. Wolfsheim, if you've heard of them.
I want out, but not the way I guess most of you think.
Sobriety, screw that. I was afraid to check back here today, slightly rembering that I posted here last night. I swore that even if I did, I wouldn't post anything tongiht. Now that I'm tossed, I could care less.
I'm tired, of life that is, so **** al of this. I'm sorry, I don't mean to b so dramatic. But that's where I'm at. I'm done.
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