Having a hard time, need support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Having a hard time, need support
Hi SR friends.
Next week I go to a court round table meeting to try to sort out the custody issues that my XH has started against me in July 2013.
It is 7 years after separation & the children have been in my day to day care for that period.
XH moved to a different country for 2 and a half years & then came back & started legal proceedings against me.
He has been unemployed since moving back & as a result I have not been receiving support from him.
I was recently set to a zero monthly amount for the rest of the financial year.
I went for a child support review which is the 6th one I have been through in the past 7 years due to the erratic work track record the XH has.
I have been awaiting the result which today I managed to get after chasing it.
Turns out the review went in my favour, great right?
Wrong, the admin review has re-estimated & reset amounts going back to the beginning of the financial year (when the XH was working abroad), lowered all the amounts & as a result have made it look like I've been overpaid & now I owe the tax dept $1733.
I'm sorry friends but this is so wrong. I have received no money since October 2013, I had not received the full amount since the beginning of the financial year & owed about $3000 in arrears, now it has all changed & I owe them.
This is wrong. I have been fully financially responsible for my children, I've worked hard & struggled to provide for them while keeping up with their sporting costs.
I have made measures to help. My eldest applied for a scholarship for high school & got it & we can now pay for her uniform. I have swapped my admin experience for discounts off sporting fees. I have worked hard in my employment.
Now not only do I have ongoing lawyer costs & have to try to prove myself to keep custody of my kids I also have to do it while providing financially for family & owing the tax dept debt which has been wrongly incurred.
I've had enough friends. I do my bit, I pay my way, I work hard, the children have excelled under my care & I have the proof of this. I am a good Mum & have raised the children well.
I don't understand why my XH wants to split the family apart, make them live in different homes & not support them financially.
Am I missing something here?
So frustrated & need support.
Next week I go to a court round table meeting to try to sort out the custody issues that my XH has started against me in July 2013.
It is 7 years after separation & the children have been in my day to day care for that period.
XH moved to a different country for 2 and a half years & then came back & started legal proceedings against me.
He has been unemployed since moving back & as a result I have not been receiving support from him.
I was recently set to a zero monthly amount for the rest of the financial year.
I went for a child support review which is the 6th one I have been through in the past 7 years due to the erratic work track record the XH has.
I have been awaiting the result which today I managed to get after chasing it.
Turns out the review went in my favour, great right?
Wrong, the admin review has re-estimated & reset amounts going back to the beginning of the financial year (when the XH was working abroad), lowered all the amounts & as a result have made it look like I've been overpaid & now I owe the tax dept $1733.
I'm sorry friends but this is so wrong. I have received no money since October 2013, I had not received the full amount since the beginning of the financial year & owed about $3000 in arrears, now it has all changed & I owe them.
This is wrong. I have been fully financially responsible for my children, I've worked hard & struggled to provide for them while keeping up with their sporting costs.
I have made measures to help. My eldest applied for a scholarship for high school & got it & we can now pay for her uniform. I have swapped my admin experience for discounts off sporting fees. I have worked hard in my employment.
Now not only do I have ongoing lawyer costs & have to try to prove myself to keep custody of my kids I also have to do it while providing financially for family & owing the tax dept debt which has been wrongly incurred.
I've had enough friends. I do my bit, I pay my way, I work hard, the children have excelled under my care & I have the proof of this. I am a good Mum & have raised the children well.
I don't understand why my XH wants to split the family apart, make them live in different homes & not support them financially.
Am I missing something here?
So frustrated & need support.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Rosiepetal,
I am so sorry you are going through this!
What explanation have you gotten for your x's decision to seek shared custody? What do you expect is behind this?
What I see in court is they look at a divorce as two difficult people who should have equal rights to the children unless there is something catastrophic that would make it clearly unsafe for the children to stay with a parent. Even the lawyers look at it this way, the one working for you, too.
So it is completely and utterably unfair and horrible. I am a wreck from what this pitiful system is doing to me.
I get the idea that xah is going to try to get custody, or shared custody, forcing the children and I to leave our home here. Why? To torture make and make himself look good in the community eye. If this happens I will possibly put myself in front of the next speeding train.
You have been an exemplary mother. The world should protect and commend you.
The world is still run by powerful men. They don't like us telling them they can't drink in our children's home or run the show on our own. If there is a way to prevent single mothers from breathing freely, they'll find it.
I am talking like my mother now :-)
Time to do the laundry and pick up my daughter from school, make lunch, finish off my new resume and put some oil in the car!
I am so sorry you are going through this!
What explanation have you gotten for your x's decision to seek shared custody? What do you expect is behind this?
What I see in court is they look at a divorce as two difficult people who should have equal rights to the children unless there is something catastrophic that would make it clearly unsafe for the children to stay with a parent. Even the lawyers look at it this way, the one working for you, too.
So it is completely and utterably unfair and horrible. I am a wreck from what this pitiful system is doing to me.
I get the idea that xah is going to try to get custody, or shared custody, forcing the children and I to leave our home here. Why? To torture make and make himself look good in the community eye. If this happens I will possibly put myself in front of the next speeding train.
You have been an exemplary mother. The world should protect and commend you.
The world is still run by powerful men. They don't like us telling them they can't drink in our children's home or run the show on our own. If there is a way to prevent single mothers from breathing freely, they'll find it.
I am talking like my mother now :-)
Time to do the laundry and pick up my daughter from school, make lunch, finish off my new resume and put some oil in the car!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Rosiepetal 
I don't understand why my XH wants to split the family apart, make them live in different homes & not support them financially.
Am I missing something here?
So frustrated & need support.
Am I missing something here?
So frustrated & need support.
It is ALWAYS ALL ABOUT the A.
How many years are you into this and do not have THAT fundamental part down?
Yeah, I know it can be hard to get a grip on that, but here was my path on that part. When Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab she was such a mess, that I changed her listing on my phone to:
A.A.A.H. -- Always All About H (H being the first letter of her name).
The phone would ring, and I or the kids would pick it up and say -- It is . . . aaaahhh!
Was a little bit of fun at the time. Later, I have changed it back to her real name. Playing with crazy just makes you crazy, too.
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
So so so sorry you are dealing with this. YES, you are a good mother. NO, none of this is fair. In fact it is crazy-making. But still, it is happening.
I think one of the many destructive thing that these court decisions do is to undermine what you know to be true: that you are doing a great job. (That was certainly my own experience).
The only thing I can offer (and I can't do this myself most of the time) is: try to let go of the "shoulds". Hold tight to your core conviction that you are doing the right thing, and let go of the idea that the system should recognize and reward you for this, appropriately.
On the plus side your children will always know who was there for them, who kept things going, who is loving and steady. As the Mastercard advertisements say: this is "priceless". This is something he will never have, and that no court can ever give him.
p.s. Trying to understand why he is doing this is probably a waste of your time. I certainly have done the same--"why why why"? Because he can is probably about as far as you will get. Again, sorry!
I think one of the many destructive thing that these court decisions do is to undermine what you know to be true: that you are doing a great job. (That was certainly my own experience).
The only thing I can offer (and I can't do this myself most of the time) is: try to let go of the "shoulds". Hold tight to your core conviction that you are doing the right thing, and let go of the idea that the system should recognize and reward you for this, appropriately.
On the plus side your children will always know who was there for them, who kept things going, who is loving and steady. As the Mastercard advertisements say: this is "priceless". This is something he will never have, and that no court can ever give him.
p.s. Trying to understand why he is doing this is probably a waste of your time. I certainly have done the same--"why why why"? Because he can is probably about as far as you will get. Again, sorry!
My emotional baggage
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Rosie,
I am currently going through some pretty crazy custody issues myself. First, don't get too worked up about the custody issues yet. You have had full custody for seven years. Even though they do want to give equal custody, I would think a decent judge would take that into consideration. Did he have them at all the two years he was here? Did he even try? Bring that up.
Your support can always be reevaluated. AS soon as he is working again. Take him back to court. This does not have to be the end all be all. I'm a little confused though. If you have not gotten anything since Oct 2013, how can you owe him?
Good luck, it is a horrible battle in its own right.
4MyBoys
I am currently going through some pretty crazy custody issues myself. First, don't get too worked up about the custody issues yet. You have had full custody for seven years. Even though they do want to give equal custody, I would think a decent judge would take that into consideration. Did he have them at all the two years he was here? Did he even try? Bring that up.
Your support can always be reevaluated. AS soon as he is working again. Take him back to court. This does not have to be the end all be all. I'm a little confused though. If you have not gotten anything since Oct 2013, how can you owe him?
Good luck, it is a horrible battle in its own right.
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, Rosiepetal. Lending a shoulder for you long distance. You're not missing anything. Maybe, perhaps harboring a glimmer of an expectation that just because you're a good parent and want what's best for the kids, that it must be what your XH wants, too. It'd be a reasonable expectation, I think, (not sure because I haven't had the experience) if you were trying to co-parent with a reasonable, non-A, adult.
I know in my case, AXH wanted to appear like he was the world's greatest dad. Showing off for the GF and his friends, as it were. He had, and has, no idea what it really takes to be that kind of dad. I also think it was a bit of his attempt to retain some control over DS and I. I'm sure there's more to his thinking, but it doesn't really matter based on how he behaved...
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Sending hugs and wishing you continued strength.
I know in my case, AXH wanted to appear like he was the world's greatest dad. Showing off for the GF and his friends, as it were. He had, and has, no idea what it really takes to be that kind of dad. I also think it was a bit of his attempt to retain some control over DS and I. I'm sure there's more to his thinking, but it doesn't really matter based on how he behaved...
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Sending hugs and wishing you continued strength.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Unless you have recently been convicted of an axe murder or two lately it would be incredibly unusual for the courts to disrupt the children's routine, especially given that you are mom.
Once upon a time I volunteered with a pro-se Father's rights group and I'm a big believer in the notion that both parents should have an APPROPRIATE role in the parenting process. Sometimes that meant that Dad sent letters and cards from prison and mom could read them first and ask the court to review any they found questionable but otherwise they had to give them to the kids and stop burning them.
I would be shocked if the court decided to break the kids apart if one parent has abdicated his responsibility and there is nothing he can plausibly accuse you of but you could hang yourself with a good judge very easily if you demonstrate concern for anything but the kids. Some key things to keep in mind are that the court does not give a damn about either parent if they are doing their job right - it's about the kids and frankly they tend to look for an easy out. If you don't give them reason to worry or support his claims (Which are what, fi you care to share??) then you should fare well. If you lose your temper, say "MY" kids instead of "OUR" or if it appears that you are arguing that bad spouse = bad parent or that you are more entitled... you get the idea.
There is a very subtle difference between "While I am glad that X wants to share in the responsibility of raising our children, I do have some concerns about disrupting the children from the routine we've established over the past seven years while X has not chosen to participate" and "So the nutless wonder over here thinks he can just waltz in here and take over after being a deadbeat for seven years while I did all the work, WTF????!!!"
You may need to read those two versions 6-7 times to catch the nuanced difference in tone ;-)
Next, the financial aspects tend to be handled very differently than custody issues. Custody issues, depending on where you are, are almost universally determined based on the 'best interests of the child' principle which is unfortunately quite subjective but which, fortunately for you, tends to HEAVILY favor the mom and even more heavily favor the status quo assuming there is nothing demonstrably improper in the current situation. Financial issues are typically statutory - ie, they plug numbers into a formula and the answer comes out without much subjective evaluation. Again, depending on where you are the Court may have wide discretion - most do - to alter the statutory mandates if there is a good cause to do so ie, best interests of the child(ren).
Final thought: I won't tell you not to worry any more than I would tell an alcoholic "just don't drink!"... it would be insulting. These are your babies, of course you are scared to death. What I will urge is that you make dead certain that you do not lose your cool or get snarky NO MATTER WHAT. If he gets irate and loses his cool it is DOUBLY important that you keep your wits and do NOT follow his lead because the impression it will leave on the court is huge. If a man demonstrates any sort of anger he's done unless mom hands him a gift and outdoes his stupidity. Be smart. Count to three before speaking. Ask for a break if you need one. If he makes an angry outburst and it upsets you then you can ask for a break to go splash some water on your face.
His best bet is to make you look irrational. Don't help him. It sounds like you are not in a US court but if I am inferring correctly the above is less about individual laws and more about how courts deal with these things - you are the low risk option here - a judge is very unlikely to remove kids from a clearly stable and devoted parent to one who is erratic and has abdicated their responsibility - even in countries with a more patriarchal point of view it's hard for an absent dad to take kids from a mom who has been doing all the work unless the kids are of an age and mindset to request it.
Lastly... take it FWIW but I respect and admire you. You did not get his support but it sure sounds like you made sacrifices and busted your tail to give those kids what money will never buy. You've been there kissing booboos, doing homework, tending fevers, listening, teaching and loving. It's a shame if he's not half the man you are but you are doing your part so hold your head up and be proud, You've earned it.
Once upon a time I volunteered with a pro-se Father's rights group and I'm a big believer in the notion that both parents should have an APPROPRIATE role in the parenting process. Sometimes that meant that Dad sent letters and cards from prison and mom could read them first and ask the court to review any they found questionable but otherwise they had to give them to the kids and stop burning them.
I would be shocked if the court decided to break the kids apart if one parent has abdicated his responsibility and there is nothing he can plausibly accuse you of but you could hang yourself with a good judge very easily if you demonstrate concern for anything but the kids. Some key things to keep in mind are that the court does not give a damn about either parent if they are doing their job right - it's about the kids and frankly they tend to look for an easy out. If you don't give them reason to worry or support his claims (Which are what, fi you care to share??) then you should fare well. If you lose your temper, say "MY" kids instead of "OUR" or if it appears that you are arguing that bad spouse = bad parent or that you are more entitled... you get the idea.
There is a very subtle difference between "While I am glad that X wants to share in the responsibility of raising our children, I do have some concerns about disrupting the children from the routine we've established over the past seven years while X has not chosen to participate" and "So the nutless wonder over here thinks he can just waltz in here and take over after being a deadbeat for seven years while I did all the work, WTF????!!!"
You may need to read those two versions 6-7 times to catch the nuanced difference in tone ;-)
Next, the financial aspects tend to be handled very differently than custody issues. Custody issues, depending on where you are, are almost universally determined based on the 'best interests of the child' principle which is unfortunately quite subjective but which, fortunately for you, tends to HEAVILY favor the mom and even more heavily favor the status quo assuming there is nothing demonstrably improper in the current situation. Financial issues are typically statutory - ie, they plug numbers into a formula and the answer comes out without much subjective evaluation. Again, depending on where you are the Court may have wide discretion - most do - to alter the statutory mandates if there is a good cause to do so ie, best interests of the child(ren).
Final thought: I won't tell you not to worry any more than I would tell an alcoholic "just don't drink!"... it would be insulting. These are your babies, of course you are scared to death. What I will urge is that you make dead certain that you do not lose your cool or get snarky NO MATTER WHAT. If he gets irate and loses his cool it is DOUBLY important that you keep your wits and do NOT follow his lead because the impression it will leave on the court is huge. If a man demonstrates any sort of anger he's done unless mom hands him a gift and outdoes his stupidity. Be smart. Count to three before speaking. Ask for a break if you need one. If he makes an angry outburst and it upsets you then you can ask for a break to go splash some water on your face.
His best bet is to make you look irrational. Don't help him. It sounds like you are not in a US court but if I am inferring correctly the above is less about individual laws and more about how courts deal with these things - you are the low risk option here - a judge is very unlikely to remove kids from a clearly stable and devoted parent to one who is erratic and has abdicated their responsibility - even in countries with a more patriarchal point of view it's hard for an absent dad to take kids from a mom who has been doing all the work unless the kids are of an age and mindset to request it.
Lastly... take it FWIW but I respect and admire you. You did not get his support but it sure sounds like you made sacrifices and busted your tail to give those kids what money will never buy. You've been there kissing booboos, doing homework, tending fevers, listening, teaching and loving. It's a shame if he's not half the man you are but you are doing your part so hold your head up and be proud, You've earned it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Thank you all so much for your support, it helps a lot.
I have made calls & spoken to several people in the tax dept today.
I was right that the current situation has me going into debt.
They had put money into my account today although I'm now in debt.
I managed to speak to someone in debts & have arranged to give the money straight back to them. I also had another amount of arrears coming to me so they are intervening & are going to use that towards the debt also.
The remaining amount is going to go through an application to be written off so fingers crossed it will be, should know in a couple of days.
At the end of the day all this means is that arrears owing to me by the childrens father have disappeared, what little money I have received earlier in the year has turned into overpayments so the result is that really I have solely financially supported my children with no help from him at all.
So be it.
For now I am happy that it is not looking like I will end up in even more debt.
Next step, face court meeting 24th Jan, will let you know how I go.
Hugs to all.
I have made calls & spoken to several people in the tax dept today.
I was right that the current situation has me going into debt.
They had put money into my account today although I'm now in debt.
I managed to speak to someone in debts & have arranged to give the money straight back to them. I also had another amount of arrears coming to me so they are intervening & are going to use that towards the debt also.
The remaining amount is going to go through an application to be written off so fingers crossed it will be, should know in a couple of days.
At the end of the day all this means is that arrears owing to me by the childrens father have disappeared, what little money I have received earlier in the year has turned into overpayments so the result is that really I have solely financially supported my children with no help from him at all.
So be it.
For now I am happy that it is not looking like I will end up in even more debt.
Next step, face court meeting 24th Jan, will let you know how I go.
Hugs to all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Actually, maybe it's for the best... you took care of them just fine without his help and they got to see what devotion and commitment look like up close.
Let me know when you find either of those things for sale ;-)
Let me know when you find either of those things for sale ;-)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
hi Rosiepetal,
not sure how the courts work where you are, but a while back I had similar issues with my AH and I was advised by a lawyer to ask the judge to impute his income. what that means is for them to figure out how much is your husband able to earn if he does have an employment and then figure out child support payments from there. not sure if this helps any or if it is even applicable to your situation, but wanted to offer a little bit of support.
I am also a single mom of 3 and know how hard it is to be the only parent. money is a constant issue, and it does seem unfair.
from what I see you have done a wonderful job with your kids and we are all proud of you. keep your chin up, because the smiles of our kids are the prizes that no money can match.
hugs and hope to you and your kids.
not sure how the courts work where you are, but a while back I had similar issues with my AH and I was advised by a lawyer to ask the judge to impute his income. what that means is for them to figure out how much is your husband able to earn if he does have an employment and then figure out child support payments from there. not sure if this helps any or if it is even applicable to your situation, but wanted to offer a little bit of support.
I am also a single mom of 3 and know how hard it is to be the only parent. money is a constant issue, and it does seem unfair.
from what I see you have done a wonderful job with your kids and we are all proud of you. keep your chin up, because the smiles of our kids are the prizes that no money can match.
hugs and hope to you and your kids.
Last edited by pacificsunrise; 01-13-2014 at 04:13 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Everything PohsFriend said in their first post in this thread is dead on. Alcoholics will do everything in their power to upset and wreck you when they believe their public personas as perfect workers/parents/social butterflies are under attack.
No matter what - stay very, very calm. DO NOT ENGAGE in the crazymaking. My ex loved to get me riled up and then call the cops - with the idea that I would be hysterical when they showed up and he would be the voice of reason. I cottoned on to that tactic pretty early on so when they did show up, I was rock steady and focused. Nipped that in the bud and you can too.
I don't know if you attend Al-Anon or not, but getting an iron clad sponsor helped me more in my divorce than anything and I had to represent myself in court. I wouldn't have gotten through without her.
No matter what - stay very, very calm. DO NOT ENGAGE in the crazymaking. My ex loved to get me riled up and then call the cops - with the idea that I would be hysterical when they showed up and he would be the voice of reason. I cottoned on to that tactic pretty early on so when they did show up, I was rock steady and focused. Nipped that in the bud and you can too.
I don't know if you attend Al-Anon or not, but getting an iron clad sponsor helped me more in my divorce than anything and I had to represent myself in court. I wouldn't have gotten through without her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Yay, just had call from tax dept & they are going to write off a portion of the debt. The lady thanked me for my honesty, my timely manner & for paying back what I could.
I am still very frustrated with the whole system as it very much goes against us working solo Mums but for now I am not in further debt.
I am still very frustrated with the whole system as it very much goes against us working solo Mums but for now I am not in further debt.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
It seems that some of us just keep getting these opportunities over and over to learn to stay detached and let situations play out without angst and turmoil. It doesn't seem fair, after all you've gone through, all the challenges you have faced head on and surmounted, that more of this nonsense comes your way.
Hope you are very very proud of yourself and stay centered in your successes at taking care of your kids and yourself no matter what debris your XAH tries to throw in your path.
So glad that the debt issue is going away. I think PohsFriend has some really good advice about the custody stuff. Go armed with the facts, not your perceptions, and you sure have powerful facts about what you did for your kids and he did not do.
ShootingStar1
Hope you are very very proud of yourself and stay centered in your successes at taking care of your kids and yourself no matter what debris your XAH tries to throw in your path.
So glad that the debt issue is going away. I think PohsFriend has some really good advice about the custody stuff. Go armed with the facts, not your perceptions, and you sure have powerful facts about what you did for your kids and he did not do.
ShootingStar1
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
