New and weary

Old 01-12-2014, 09:56 PM
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Unhappy New and weary

Hi.

I can't believe I find myself here typing this out about my own AH. Just a couple yrs ago I was defending him to his mom who thought he was an alcoholic for drinking 2-3 beers a day and now it's 5-7 and I know he has a problem. Three months ago he got very sick and quit smoking/drinking until he was well. He has still quit smoking but went straight back to drinking. He uses the excuses "I'm trying to quit smoking" "I don't have a problem" "You don't know what I have to go through at work" "I'm not bothering anyone, just relaxing after work."

The thing is we have kids and he is actually very attentive and nice with them... so "functional". After the 4th beer, he starts to become obnoxious towards me. Not mean, just loud, inappropriate and annoying.

A few days ago, he got pulled over for speeding and got ticketed for open container. I had to pick him up and he was ashamed, proclaimed he would cut way back, only drink on the weekends. Was careful not to say when those weekends fall since his "off work" days actually fall during the week. The next day he did not drink on the road which I'm soooo happy about but did come hm and drink 6 beers, next day 5, and tonight 5. He has still not drank on the rd again.

I'm just so scared of where his addiction is taking him. I know I can't control his actions. I get so mad when I see him:
a) come hm with a 6pk,
b) drink 2 before dinner
c) skip dinner and drink number 3
d) has that 4th which means there's a good possibility he'll go ahead and have 1-3 more. BY the 4th I get livid and become vocal. I know that's bad of me. I just lose my temper.

Tonight we watched "28 days". I love that movie and hoped it would get him to thinking. He acted obnoxious through the 2nd half of it. Oh another thing he does is call me "mean" when I call him out on things. And "People who want to help someone quit drinking aren't supposed to be mean to them". He is a master manipulator and tries to work me and I immediately inform him that's not going to work so he calls me "mean" and laughs it off. Again, he's not a mean drunk at all, quite jovial usually.

Actually he doesn't tend to get "drunk" anymore.. I'd call it very tipsy or lightly drunk at most. By the time he's at that point he goes to bed.


I just don't want this to get worse. I feel like we're at a crossroads and I have to throw the train switch before it's too late but only he can so I'm so frustrated with him bc I've pleaded with him for 2 months now to get a hold of himself. And he won't. He just won't.


Any suggestions for me at this juncture?
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Old 01-12-2014, 10:14 PM
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ETA: The smoking I was talking about is cigarettes. He quit them over the summer then did e-cigs until he got sick and is now on the lozenges.
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Old 01-13-2014, 01:42 AM
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Welcome to SR--I think you'll find a lot of help here. Everybody here "gets it" and is glad to share their experience, strength and hope. One of the first things I'd suggest for you is to read as much as you can here, being sure not to miss the stickied threads at the top of the page. Educating yourself about alcoholism will go a long way in helping you understand what's going on and what you can and can't do about it.

Here's a link to a thread from the stickie section to give you an idea of what kind of information you'll find there: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd also suggest you look into Alanon. SR is a wonderful, supportive community, but it's not a bad idea to have some real-world help too. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Many here have found Alanon to be a great source of education and support; you may find the same.

You say you're afraid of the addiction and where it will go. Well, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and he will indeed continue a downward trend, just as you fear. As you say, you can't make him get sober, either. What you can do is educate yourself and find support here and at Alanon. As time passes, you'll start to see more clearly and you'll begin to know what you want to do. Please don't feel you need to rush into any decisions or actions right now. Get your feet under you first.

Again, welcome to SR, and wishing you strength and clarity.
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Old 01-13-2014, 09:12 PM
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Welcome, GoingBerserk.

Have you heard of the Three C's? You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, you cannot Cure it. I've learned that asking about the A's drinking, counting drinks, etc. are attempts to control...may not always feel like it, but it is. The A's excuses are what is called "quacking"...there are some amusing threads on that.

In addition to HoneyPig's suggestions, I would suggest reading about detachment and boundaries; you can search the forum for the terms. Detachment will help you reduce the effect his behaviors/words have on you. Boundaries will help you modify your behavior so you prevent yourself from being affected. A boundary I used when RAH was drinking was not to engage with him after four beers. He was generally good humored for the first few beers then grew increasingly irritated with me after that which would just leave me upset. When I stopped engaging with him after he'd been drinking a few, I stopped getting upset.

Something else I've learned that I've found is so important is that it is okay to get mad. We have needs and wants too and it is our responsibility to make sure they are met. Like everyone here, you probably had some expectations for your life and now feel like your A is throwing it all away for alcohol. Absolutely maddening! A great book that talks about this (and many related topics) is Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

I hope that you are making sure your children are not in the car with AH when he is drinking & driving. You and your children are your top priorities so please do all you can to take care of them.

Please keep reading & posting.
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Old 01-14-2014, 06:23 AM
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another -- Welcome, GoingBerserk.

Quite a detailed counting tracking inventory you have there. It is a bit of a Way-Back for me. Before Mrs. made to Rehab, I was counting plates, pieces of gum, trips to the bathroom (barfing), miles/hours on the bike and exercise. On and on.

We had already been through Alcohol, and Cutting (Self Injury), and then was Anorexia / Exercise Bulimia. She has been back a little over a year from Rehab.

All the same crap, just a different dumpster.

As far as Movie Interventions . . . dunno. Someone tried that on me . . . maybe 15 years ago with "Good Will Hunting" -- they were intentionally messing with me about my own Childhood Abuse issues. Dunno what they expected the results to be. Just distressed me, with no real plan or avenue of escape.

While Mrs. Hammer used to be sort of numb to most stuff like that, since she is back from Rehab, Mrs. Hammer sort of seem hypersensitive. A few months ago, I brought a copy of "What Dreams May Come" home for me and our daughter to watch, because we had been reading about Dante's Inferno (a Midevil allegory trip through Hell) and that is sort of what the "Dreams" movie is about.

Mrs. Hammer was upset with the movie (thinking it about her) because the Mother in the movie is "crazy." (winds up in Hell because she commits suicide)

Daughter liked the movie for all the Art, but looked over at end and announced that the Father in the Movie was "Codependent -- Like YOU, Dad." (Father went to Hell to rescue Mother).

So -- You look into the Abyss, the Abyss looks into you.

-----------------

At anyrate. Yeah. Get Ye to Alanon.


.
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Old 01-17-2014, 10:36 PM
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Thanks for all the responses.

Carryon- He did not drink with kids in the car (he knew I wouldn't allow that, plus he knew that would be super stupid) and hasn't drank and drove since the ticket.

Hammer- Yea, I get a little OCD about the counting. He has cut back a bit for whatever reason. Not sure if it's bc of my insistence or he's just going to bed earlier right after 3rd or 4th beer. I am slightly relieved at this though I know it would be foolish of me to get at all excited so I will never do that even if he had zero beers. My father is a functioning A, so I know better than to do that.

During his "off-days" this wk, he had just two each day. He tends to drink less when he's off.

I really appreciate all the suggestions. I will def look into them. I'm going to bed now but it's nice to meet you all, wish it was under better circumstances but it does help me to feel less alone.
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Old 01-17-2014, 10:58 PM
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Welcome, GoingBerserk. The big thing here is that he can't "cut back." Alcoholism is an all-or-nothing deal. He can't drink any beers. None, zero, zip, zilch, nada. Claiming moderation is an easy way for the A to regain control of the situation by giving you a false sense of security. I would highly recommend Al-Anon, the book Codependent No More, and to stop counting bottles. (((Hugs)))
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