I'm new here and need advice on dealing with friend please?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: wake forest
Posts: 5
I'm new here and need advice on dealing with friend please?
Hello. New here and would love some advice please?
I have a friend who I have been pulling away from for quite a while due to her drinking problem and behavior. It took me a long time to realize it, but she has a problem worse than I realized. We would get together and have drinks, and I started drinking more than I ever used to. Eventually it became clear that this was not a healthy relationship for me, and I have put space between us. I now speculate that most of the problems she has had with me and so many other people is based on her drinking problem. Most of the time she starts yelling and cussing at people is when she is drunk. I know I have hurt her feelings because I have stopped making plans with her, and I feel bad about that. And she has just resorting to texting me and cussing me out for being a snob, etc. and I have had to block her calls/texts totally. Not only does she drink too much, but I feel she uses people and only thinks about herself. I don't want to be part of it any longer. I could tell her that she needs help, and that she needs to learn from her mistakes (DUI, auto lock, etc.) but I feel that it would fall on deaf ears.
Is there a better way to handle this? Does this sound like a typical behavior of a person who drinks too much? She has trouble keeping friendships. I have been told to not engage in discussions with her when she starts the rants, and that is what I have been doing. I will not get into a war of words and cussing back at her like she does me. People have told me I have been too good of a friend to her. I finally just told her I care about her and hope good things for her. That's all. I want no more. The only way I can make things right with her is if I get together with her again and that means drinking.
Sorry for babbling.
I have a friend who I have been pulling away from for quite a while due to her drinking problem and behavior. It took me a long time to realize it, but she has a problem worse than I realized. We would get together and have drinks, and I started drinking more than I ever used to. Eventually it became clear that this was not a healthy relationship for me, and I have put space between us. I now speculate that most of the problems she has had with me and so many other people is based on her drinking problem. Most of the time she starts yelling and cussing at people is when she is drunk. I know I have hurt her feelings because I have stopped making plans with her, and I feel bad about that. And she has just resorting to texting me and cussing me out for being a snob, etc. and I have had to block her calls/texts totally. Not only does she drink too much, but I feel she uses people and only thinks about herself. I don't want to be part of it any longer. I could tell her that she needs help, and that she needs to learn from her mistakes (DUI, auto lock, etc.) but I feel that it would fall on deaf ears.
Is there a better way to handle this? Does this sound like a typical behavior of a person who drinks too much? She has trouble keeping friendships. I have been told to not engage in discussions with her when she starts the rants, and that is what I have been doing. I will not get into a war of words and cussing back at her like she does me. People have told me I have been too good of a friend to her. I finally just told her I care about her and hope good things for her. That's all. I want no more. The only way I can make things right with her is if I get together with her again and that means drinking.
Sorry for babbling.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, muffinbunny (your name made me giggle!). To me, what you're describing about your friend sounds as if she could surely be an alcoholic. Then again, whether the label of alcoholic applies to her or not, you DO have every right to end a relationship that's not healthy for you, for ANY reason. You DO have the right to choose who comes into your life. You have been smart enough/strong enough to realize that. Good for you!
She certainly seems to have problems and issues, but it is NOT up to YOU to try to rescue her or change her. If she wants to change, that's up to her. Again, good for you for realizing that the relationship was having a negative influence on you and cutting ties.
You might learn some useful things by reading as much as you can on this forum (don't miss the stickies at the top of the page--great info there!). I'd also suggest looking into Alanon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) to get some more education, insight and support.
Welcome to SR!
She certainly seems to have problems and issues, but it is NOT up to YOU to try to rescue her or change her. If she wants to change, that's up to her. Again, good for you for realizing that the relationship was having a negative influence on you and cutting ties.
You might learn some useful things by reading as much as you can on this forum (don't miss the stickies at the top of the page--great info there!). I'd also suggest looking into Alanon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) to get some more education, insight and support.
Welcome to SR!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah, sounds like your friend has some problem(s). Alcohol is just a part or maybe even a cover for other problems.
Unless you want Her Problem(s) to Your Problem(s) . . . stay out of it. We can dig deeper into her stuff if you want -- it is fairly classic / textbook -- but if you are (wisely, btw) just planning on getting away, that may just delay you in her foolishness.
You can suggest AA to/for her -- which is not likely to be very welcome -- but at least then you can know that you did what you could for her.
Then go enjoy the rest of your life without this endless drama and chaos in it.
Unless you want Her Problem(s) to Your Problem(s) . . . stay out of it. We can dig deeper into her stuff if you want -- it is fairly classic / textbook -- but if you are (wisely, btw) just planning on getting away, that may just delay you in her foolishness.
You can suggest AA to/for her -- which is not likely to be very welcome -- but at least then you can know that you did what you could for her.
Then go enjoy the rest of your life without this endless drama and chaos in it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: wake forest
Posts: 5
Hi honeypig. I was just going to state that I don't know why I came up with muffinbunny as my user name. Then I stopped. Honeypig (hee hee), I think you might understand.
Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I will definitely read the stickies at the top of the page and also the info at the link you posted.
It still hurts that a person I considered a friend turned ugly on me like she has so many times before with others, and it hurts that I had to hurt her feelings by walking away. Talking to her about the reasons would do no good and really serve no purpose I figure.
Thank you.
Hi Hammer, you are right. I like having a simple life and having simple friends without all the drama. When she accuses me of being judgemental, however, I feel bad, because I care about people. I just don't like to see a train wreck.
Thank you for giving me your opinion.
Thank you for your thoughts and advice. I will definitely read the stickies at the top of the page and also the info at the link you posted.
It still hurts that a person I considered a friend turned ugly on me like she has so many times before with others, and it hurts that I had to hurt her feelings by walking away. Talking to her about the reasons would do no good and really serve no purpose I figure.
Thank you.
Hi Hammer, you are right. I like having a simple life and having simple friends without all the drama. When she accuses me of being judgemental, however, I feel bad, because I care about people. I just don't like to see a train wreck.
Thank you for giving me your opinion.
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