muffinbunny

I have a friend who I have been pulling away from for quite a while due to her drinking problem and behavior. It took me a long time to realize it, but she has a problem worse than I realized. We would get together and have drinks, and I started drinking more than I ever used to. Eventually it became clear that this was not a healthy relationship for me, and I have put space between us. My DH would get upset with me for drinking too late with her, and many times we have had to take her home and almost carry her into her house before she would hit the ground and hurt herself walking in. I now speculate that most of the problems she has had with me and so many other people is based on her drinking problem. Most of the time she starts yelling and cussing at people is when she is drunk. I know I have hurt her feelings because I have stopped making plans with her, and I feel bad about that. And she has just resorted to texting me and cussing me out for being a snob, etc. and I have had to block her calls/texts totally. Not only does she drink too much, but I feel she uses people and only thinks about herself. I don't want to be part of it any longer. I could tell her that she needs help, and that she needs to learn from her mistakes (DUI, auto lock, etc.) but I feel that it would fall on deaf ears.

Is there a better way to handle this? Does this sound like a typical behavior of a person who drinks too much? She has trouble keeping friendships. I have been told to not engage in discussions with her when she starts the rants, and that is what I have been doing. I will not get into a war of words and cussing back at her like she does me. People have told me I have been too good of a friend to her. I finally just told her I care about her and hope good things for her. That's all. I want no more. The only way I can make things right with her is if I get together with her again and that means drinking.

Sorry for babbling.

justinJustQuit

You definitely wouldn't want to bring the problem up while she's drunk, but maybe take a video of one of these rants and ask her if she thinks it's ok to do this?

I hesitate to reply because I don't know your friend.

muffinbunny

Thanks, justinJustQuit. I understand it's hard for you to know how to respond without knowing the situation and this person firsthand.

I agree that it wouldn't help to bring up the problem when she's been drinking.

least

I think you're handling it just fine. You have every right to distance yourself from your friend. You can only detach from her to protect yourself. You can't make her want to change, only she can do that.

Mentium

You frind clearly has a problem. Unfortunately there's not a lot people around her can do until she accepts it and decides she should do something about it. I think what you are doing is sensible and probably the best thing to do.

Talking to her when she is drunk is pointless, but the one thing you could do is when she is sober let her know the reason when you are distancing herself. She will probably get angry and defensive, but it might just make a difference eventually in helping her decide she really does have a problem that she has to deal with.

autan

I echo what others have said, trying to reason with her when drunk will be a waste of time. When Sober, talk to her straight, don't ***** foot around. The message has to be clear, she will then choose to do something about or not.

Threshold

Two options. Just pull or drift away and don't say anything. Or the next time she asks you to go out (if she is sober) tell her no, you don't care to, it's not fun, her drunken behavior is unpleasant, embarrassing and dangerous and you want no part of it.

If she starts to argue or protest or defend herself. Say "I know what I have seen and I want no part of it." and hang up.

Truly, I woudn't even try the understanding friend, oh can I help you get help bit. She sounds belligerent and not interested in addressing it right now. And unless she's lived under a rock, she knows there is help available and she knows that her drinking is out of control.

If you still want to be her friend when she is not drinking, then you can say that you want to spend time with her in non drinking situations only.

being a friend does not include allowing ourselves to be used, abused or treated disrespectfully. You've been a friend, she isn't being a friend.

Kat60

I've recently been through this with a very dear long time friend. Her drinking, jobs, and relationships were spiraling out of control.

She would make plans with me and then stand me up. She would become argumentative and judgmental during normal conversation. She would make horrible decisions to leave with (men) she did not know when she went out with me... The list goes on...

I tried honesty. It made her angry and I was accused of being judgmental and that I didn't "understand" her and what she was going through.

I offered her a safe haven at my home to get her crap together and get well. She moved in and out several times, but never got well and never thanked me for being there for her.

Finally I just stepped back. Stopped answering all her calls and texts; especially if I knew she was drinking. I stopped going out with her and just said I already had other plans.

This detaching of mine started gradually and lasted about a year or two.

She is now in AA and seeking recovery for herself. She understands what I did was out of love for her and she knows now that I could not be around her that way or it would also affect my own sobriety and sanity.

She is getting there slowly... But SHE had to do it. Nothing I could do for her then, or now.

I can love her, but I can't fix her...

muffinbunny

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses. It appears you know this type of situation.

Kat, my friend also has made a habit of leaving with strangers and just making poor decision after decision. She would also get jealous and possessive when I spoke to other friends. She calls me judgemental, because she thinks I have pulled away because she got a DUI and a blower put in her car. It's so much more than that. She proved unreliable and irresponsible time and time again. I did so many nice things for her, and she just expected it. She also has little compassion for others, but constantly cries about her own hard times. She causes her own problems, and now she is driving two cars, so she has a car without the blower on it when she wants to go out to drink. Do we ever learn from our mistakes? She relies on others to take her to a bar, to parties (and get wasted at someone's home), and then can't remember how she gets home.

We can lead a horse to water, but we can't make them drink it.

Kat60

It is horrid to watch a friend spiral into this disease.

I am trying myself to recover from my own problems with alcohol. But my bottom came so much sooner than hers and I did not make as many bad decisions...just saw the potential for it as I watched her. That was enough for me to know where I did not want to go...

I know I cannot help her; she has to do it for herself.

You cannot do much more for your friend either....

You do not have to participate in the madness or witness the carnage either. It is your choice to step back from that.

I have issues with co-dependency as well and it was hard for me to step back and not try to fix it for her, but I simply had to...

I do hope your friend sees the light before she hurts herself or someone else...