BrokenDrum

I have been divorced for a few months now and although I don’t miss my old lifestyle, I still struggle with letting go. My mind gets stuck in what could have/should have been. Rather than remember the last few years of our relationship which were very difficult and hurtful, I think about the first few years when things were loving and hopeful. Then I start to long for the man who no longer exists.

Since my AH seemed to lie about mostly everything, I also start to wonder if our entire 15 year relationship was a lie. If his apology to me about what he put me through was a lie (especially since he hasn’t attempted to get professional help for his illness). I think that’s why I’ve had a difficult time moving forward. I’m stuck because I’ll never know what was truth and what was fiction between us.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings?

iamthird

I could have written your exact post. The sad thing is, we will never know. You have to just know what your reality was, what it has become now and let go.

I had all these questions I wanted answered and sadly, none of the answers make a difference. Try to focus on you. That is all you can do.

marie1960

BrokenDrum, .

You said, (especially since he hasn’t attempted to get professional help for his illness).
I am assuming he is still drinking, and nothing has or will change for him until he decides to change things for himself.


While it ok to feel sad, it's also ok to give yourself permission to go forward with your life.

For me personally, it was easier and less painful to write it off as a big fat lie. I did not need to replay those old movies, picking apart the good from the so very bad. To dwell on those details, certainly would have drove me insane. Of course we had good times, and 2 years later I remember the happy times with great fondness.
But like you, he is still actively drinking and I have zero desire to ever walk into that burning building again.

With some time and distance, I can assure you it will get easier. In the meantime, stay active, make a plan, when you feel yourself traveling down memory lane, grab a magazine, go for a walk, a drive, call a friend, clean the junk drawer, take a bath, wash the car, vacuum do ANYTHING and everything to push yourself forward.

And the one thing I did do for myself, I found acceptance, I have accepted that for whatever the reason, my life is exactly as it should be. Perhaps the powers that be felt I needed to experience that very eye opening life lesson.

Keep posting, it does help to get it all out, and we do truly understand what a difficult time this is for you.

((((hugs)))))

djayr

Hello:

Give it some time. It's taken me a couple of years, and what ended up helping me was the idea that XAW was NOT my soul mate. Life with your soul mate, will not suck, it will not be crappy, and it will not be ridden with lies and distrust.

I hung on for along time, even after separation and divorce, out of some kind of hope / loyalty / wanting her to be OK. And yes, thinking of all the good times from once upon a time. She has goodness inside of her, but I am finally "releasing her to her greater good", to God, to the universe ... and I've opened up my mind to the possibility that that my real soulmate is out there and love/relationships are not necessarily a horrible trap to avoid and escape.

Being married to an alcoholic is a survival course. You escaped. It will take a while, as long as necessary, for you to move on. I didn't think I ever would or could, in fact I assumed I would just be alone and worried for her (yet very happy to have my own safe place and distance) -- until eventually she would die of liver disease or whatever.

But that makes no sense.

You just have to wait. Do things that make you happy and count your blessings. Leave your XAH to your higher power and someday, really, you will feel better. Nothing ever stays the same. Everything is always evolving.

Blessings!

PippiLngstockng

What heps me is recognizing all the good things that arrived during the course of my relationship with xah. I traveled, developed in a variety of sports, learned another language, had a house, and mostly - had four beautiful children with him.

I also recognize that I got into that relationship when I was in a vulnerable position in my life, and thus I overlooked some very clear red flags. I had no idea how seriously abusive xah would turn out to be later, but I saw addiction and that he was going to do what he wanted about that (keep smoking/drinking).

So I try to make peace with my situation by a) recognizing the marveous good fortune I have; b) seeing the trade-offs I made; c) forgiving myself for my innocence; and d) being glad that I found a way out at all; and e) thanking God for giving me the strength to carry on through these hard, hard times.

Now my task is to follow my inner voice, stay calm and patient, work steadily, and believe that God will see me and the children through.

Blueskies25

Broken drum, sending you hugs. I feel like you. I miss who he was and our plans for the future and the fact that I will now not raise my children with the man I created them with - even when he gets to the point of unsupervised visits, his involvement will never be what we had planned as a family. I am still in the process of divorce and it's 4.5 months since I put him out. Like you I find myself remembering the good times, especially since he is now not drinking for the past three weeks. But he moved onto someone new after three weeks, and the last year at least was hideous with lie after lie after lie being revealed. He had hid his addiction until the bitter end so I was never sure what it was that I was battling with. I still receive counselling from an addiction charity and find it helpful along with this forum. I don't wish these feelings on you but I find it such a comfort to know I am not alone. Someone on here suggested that I write a list of the things and I don't miss and it's my plan for this week. I think now that I am free of his chaos to a large degree, that I have rosy tinted glasses. His life is in tatters and mine is still at least functioning for my children and I, I am very slowly moving forward but cannot imagine ever truly shifting this feeling of heartbreak. I am praying that time will help us both along with support and recovery.

NYCDoglvr

Are you going to Alanon? Letting someone live rent-free in your head years after you've parted ways is co-dependence and a painful way to live.

SeasonlessWorld

I feel the exact same way after breaking up with BF of 2 years. What was the truth? Especially since he spent so much time discounting my perceptions of events it can be hard to get my mind around what really happened. Did the relationship mean anything to him? It's so hard to know what's real. And if it isn't real how can you trust your perceptions of a relationship ever again? Everyday I have to make the decision to move on knowing that I may never have the answer to those questions. A friend of mine told me that most people don't know why they behave the way they do. I would add to that that being an active alcoholic almost requires a lack of self examination that would make him capable of even answering those questions. Hope this makes sense. Take care of you!

BrokenDrum

Thanks everyone for your kind words, virtual hugs , and support. It's comforting to know that others have had the same experiences trying to let go and that I'm not alone. For a while, I thought I was losing my mind, but it sounds like what I've been experiencing is not so unusual.

I'm doing my best to keep busy and to distract myself. But sometimes the emotions just come out of nowhere. I guess I have to allow myself a moment to grieve, then pick up what I was doing and carry on.

djayr - Your straightforward perspective, "Life with your soul mate, will not suck, it will not be crappy, and it will not be ridden with lies and distrust" made me smile. It's ridiculous what we allowed ourselves to put up with, isn't it? I guess we have to figure out what it is about ourselves that made us put up with all that crap, and how to "fix" ourselves before that soul mate comes into our lives.

NYCDoglvr - Alanon is on my list of things to do. I'm a bit shy and introverted and not particularly spiritual or religious, which kept me from attending a meeting. But, I know it's time to get over that.

AnvilheadII

all we get out of an experience is OUR experience....our own thoughts and feelings, our own truth. you LIVED thru those 15 years....every minute is part of YOUR story. whether the other was all in all the time is exclusively their own experience. ultimately, it was.........until it wasn't. things run their course.

I remember as a child, going to horse camp, two weeks that seemed like a LIFETIME. never wanted it to end. the campfires, the apple fritters, the horse rides, the barn dances.....those days seemed to stretch on endlessly. but in reality it was 14 days. in my 54 years, that's just a blip. hell anymore time flies by at rocket speed....wasn't it JUST Christmas??

time marches on. we continually create the mosaic of our life. there is more to come.

SoaringSpirits

I could have written your post. I totally hear what you are saying. I miss my 'old' husband too. And I question my perception about many things. We were best friends, but there were things that troubled me, too. Like he's shallow and says shallow things, and I craved, since Day 1, more connection and emotional intimacy. Yet I married him and spent 22 years of my life with him. It was not terrible. We had a good time for a long time. But there was always something missing. My xah went away without much protest and it's painful to think that I have grieved him far more than he grieved me. Which makes me wonder, like you --- was it a lie? Did he really love me? Is he capable of real love?

Lewis73

I look at my 20 year relationship as a house party.....it started great, was brilliant for most of it...had a wonderful time - then, as it got late....too much was drunk, things got rowdy and fights broke out. In the end, the police shut that place down!

Was it a good party? Yes
Did it end well? No
But I'll still regard it a fun party and look back on the memories fondly.....every now and then I'll remember how it wound up and be sad....but the sunset isnt the day.

Would I go to another paty...sure. THAT party again? Maybe...if I thought the host would behave but there are lots of parties out there so, I doubt it.

BrokenDrum

Mine was the same way. I was crying the days leading up to our parting ways. He didn't shed a single tear. My first thought was, "Was I really that horrible to live with?" Then friends reminded me that many alcoholics drink to suppress emotion. I also had to remind myself that he didn't show much emotion throughout our marriage, so why was I expecting a 180 degree turnaround on moving day?

Hammer

That is an interesting perspective.

For many of us -- going to Alanon is like running into the door of the Emergency Room with our hair on fire. It is just a totally desperate act and a No-Brainer.

Now, on the other hand, if I had had time to think about it . . . It might not have been so easy. Brains seem to try to take over and control everything sometimes.

[Note to BrokenDrum's Brain] Shut up and let her go to Alanon. You will be glad you did.

MsJojo

Thanks Brokendrum. I have no advice but I'm also strugglng with grief and moving on. I wish you well xx

lillamy

My Buddhist friend gave me this image:

A relationship is like going out to dinner with the other person.
You order appetizers, entrees, desserts, beverages, coffee.
You chat over dinner.
You have an amazing appetizer and entree; the dessert is so-so, but all in all, you have a great experience.

The other person tells you the dinner is fantastic. However, a month or year later, they tell you "that first time we went out to dinner? My fish was frozen inside; the ice cream was disgusting, and there was a spider in my salad."

Does that change the way your dinner tasted?

BrokenDrum

Thanks for the encouragement Hammer. I attended a meeting last night and it wasn't anywhere near as bad as my shy brain imagined it would be. :-) I had a little trouble with the frequent use of the word "God", but fortunately, there were others who struggled with that language as well and helped me find alternatives.

I'm glad I went.