giliji

(Quick recap: AH is a hgh functioning closet alcoholic. Didn't know until a few months ago, but it's probably been going on for a few/several years. Been married 29 years, 5 kids, 1 grandkid. Very close relationship, would consider us soulmates.)

I did go to Al-Anon last Thursday and it was immensely helpful. A few of the women had AH and relationships just like mine. So that's the good part.

My AH doesn't know how devastated I am and how serious I think his drinking is. He has no idea that I think of it almost constantly as I try to get a grip. I am seeing more and more clues from the past. Nothing major, but a lot of them. My 13yo daughter is VERY sensitive emotionally. She is also our drama queen. (I do validate her and try to work within her personality) She can't get past seeing her daddy blackout drunk just before Thanksgiving (first time I have seen him like that and we've been together 30 years) I do understand that and I don't know how to help her. The other 4 saw him also and while they are upset by it, it hasn't devastated them like her. There is an Alateen meeting Tuesday that I am going to try and take her to. She has been going to a therapist prior to this. I'm not sure what else to do to help her. She wants to go somewhere else to live. She barely looks at him and rarely talks to him. She said the only way she will forgive him is if he seeks help. I talked to her some about alcoholism (I'm reading Under the Influence)

I am so deeply sad/disappointed/upset/depressed, etc, but I cannot act that way in front of the kids or AH. I'm struggling to do that. He was drinking last night (he drinks in private to hide it). Now that I am on the lookout for clues I see them much better. He looked so sad. He's always been a happy optimistic person. Our 15yo son was with us and I'm going to talk to him later. I haven't really talked with him yet.
How can I stay upbeat and positive when it's the last think I feel?

Another question I have.... I have a 2yr old grandson that I watch while my daughter is at work. It's rare that he would need to be in the car with AH. But my daughter and husband want to talk with AH and emphasize that AH is never to drive with grandson in the car. I totally understand where she is coming from. Now she and AH have not talked about his drinking at all. Of course, to him, there's nothing to talk about. It's going to be bad when they do talk. What can I do to help either one of them?? Should I be there when they talk to him? I can totally understand letting AH suffer the consequences, but what about my daughter? She didn't do anything. What about the fallout of him on us if there is any? BTW we live VERY close to them and see each other on a daily basis.

marie1960

AH is high functioning closet alcoholic, and a blackout drunk?

hmm.......

Thinking the best option is to continue to take care of yourself and kids here, and leave the high functioning black out active alkie to his own devices.

Of course your AH should never be driving a car with your grandson in it ( or anyone else for that matter). I have a hunch your daughters words are going to fall on deaf ears, best way to prevent it, never allow it to be an option, remove him from the equation, he should not be considered to be apart of any childcare plan. In doing so, your daughter can avoid the fallout/backlash.

It really comes down to letting go of the expectation we have for another. So sorry to hear this is where you currently are.

giliji

I guess I shouldn't qualify him as a blackout drunk. It was the first time he drank way too much and doesn't remember anything about it. Apparently he usually knows his limit to not get caught. That incident is the reason we found out that he has a problem.

We are going to make sure AH is never the childcare person.

Katiekate

Another question I have.... I have a 2yr old grandson that I watch while my daughter is at work. It's rare that he would need to be in the car with AH. But my daughter and husband want to talk with AH and emphasize that AH is never to drive with grandson in the car. I totally understand where she is coming from. Now she and AH have not talked about his drinking at all. Of course, to him, there's nothing to talk about. It's going to be bad when they do talk. What can I do to help either one of them?? Should I be there when they talk to him? I can totally understand letting AH suffer the consequences, but what about my daughter? She didn't do anything. What about the fallout of him on us if there is any? BTW we live VERY close to them and see each other on a daily basis.

You really need to let go of the relationship between your husband and his daughter, apparently she wants him to suffer the consequences of his actions, running interference will only cause you more pain.

Let them work their stuff out on their own.

marie1960

just another hunch, this probably isn't the first time this happened.

It maybe the first time you are witnessing the situation for what it is.

Alcoholism is progressive.

Stung

It sounds to me like you feel the need to try to micromanage your children's feelings in regards to your husband's drinking. I can understand that you want to reduce the impact that your husband's active alcoholism is having on them but the best way to do that would probably be removing his physical presence from your lives if he can't remove the alcohol from his life. I think your adult daughter and son in law being frank with your husband is actually a great idea - especially since he really should never drive with your grandson. I personally don't feel that alcoholics need to be coddled or tip toed around. If it makes him mad or defensive then he's likely to lose a relationship or two…maybe that's what it will take for him to become aware of who he has become. Maybe it won't. But those are the consequences for his actions.

Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

EDIT: Additionally, my husband is/was (I guess he's technically a recovering alcoholic at this point) a VERY high functioning alcoholic, drank totally in private was really good about hiding it besides being ready for a fight when he came home drunk, and he too would get so blasted on occasion that he would blackout. The blackout times are his lowest points.

Lastly, what worked for me (my husband didn't think he had a problem and our marriage counselor actually told him he wasn't an alcoholic YET and that he was on the cusp on becoming one back in September - FAIL!!) was that I started recording my husband's drunken debauchery on audio only on my iPhone (I felt video would have been really confrontational) and on the few times I did it, I really caught some gems coming out of his mouth. It is the audio of his being blackout drunk in our home about a month ago that made him realize what a hot mess he is and that he made his problems our 2 year old's problems. He didn't realize what he was doing until I literally showed it to him.

giliji

AH has only been drunk in front of us that one time. He had been drinking last night, but our 15yr son had no clue. I talked to our son earlier. He was drinking, but it wasn't obvious.
The thing is, there is nothing to record. His drinking, and evidence he drinks is hidden. At least it was until the one time I know about. He drinks Canadian Whiskey and drinks by himself. He doesn't go to a bar or club. There's a church parking lot I've seen him parked and at the end of our driveway (we live in the woods). Now I know he was drinking then, but I didn't at the time.

This is all very new to me. I'm not sure which was is up right now. He's still a great dad and husband. But I know he will get worse. I don't want to coddle him, I'm sorry if I came across that way. While I love him very much, I'm still very angry. I had no idea there was this side of him. It's like a secret life he has had.

Stung

Ack. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you are coddling your husband, but if your adult daughter (or any of your kids really) wants to confront your husband, just let it happen organically, that would be my humble advice.

Believe me, I really do understand where you're coming from. My husband was hiding it really well too (Grey Goose or Belvedere in his car, I've never ever seen an empty bottle in our home or even in his car) and there are lots of other posters here who's significant others were closet drinkers until they couldn't hide it anymore. My husband probably progressed further than yours is now and as he progressed he became less and less of a good husband and father. I only have recordings from about a month's span of time but the ones that I have are doozies.