gothbarbie

So yesterday I drove back to the city where he and i lived together & well where we had "our" relationship & split up and well.... I had THE worst panic/anxiety/depression attack ever! I was flooded with emotions of wanting to pull over & compose a long email asking how his recovery was going & how he was after 4 months, but I didn't. I almost couldn't control myself, it was scary! What is wrong with me?! Should I break the no contact thing between us that's gone on now for 4 months with an email or no??? I haven't decided if it would give me closure or not. It also made me feel like I'm maybe not ready to live in that same city with him again, I drove on up north 4 hrs away & stayed with a friend but I know that I shouldn't let what happened affect where i live, esp since I had a life there prior to meeting him, right??? Help me out guys, please. What is the smart thing to do & what can I do to further keep my anxiety/depression away so I can get my life back on track?

YearForMe

Now you know what a trigger is.
Stay away from triggers until you can process and desensitize yourself to the point
where it no longer triggers you.

It was a trigger....not an excuse to break no contact.

Breaking no contact is like an addict using a trigger as an excuse to relapse.

Don't relapse.....

You left that town for a reason. The reason hasn't changed.

gothbarbie

well I left bc I had nowhere to go , however I had my own place & a life prior to meeting him so why should i allow that to keep me out of a place where I lived?! It's almost like letting him win, which he shouldn't! I'm not happy anywhere else anyways which is why I moved back, so i should be able to deal with this by doing it head on... right?

jjj111

GB, they say that addicts begin planning their relapse long before they use. I think the same thing is true of codependents, too. I remember that when you posted recently about going back to CA and you got some responses asking whether you were going back to where he lives, you said no, you were going up north, far from him. Maybe in the back of your mind you were already planning to go back to where he is and try to get back in touch? Anyway, I think it's a positive step that you caught yourself and resisted the urge to e-mail him. This isn't about one of you winning or losing. This is about you learning to do what is best for you. It's important to be realistic about what you are capable of. If you can't be in the town where the two of you lived without feeling overwhelmed with nostalgia and yearning for him, then being there is not what's best for you. I have been where you are and really feel for you. I have prolonged my own agony in a breakup so many times by trying to get "closure." Trust me, communicating with him further is not going to give you peace of mind. I don't know if you believe in a Higher Power. I've never been a very religious person, but it does help me to try to just trust that everything happens for a reason, and if someone broke up with me there is probably a reason for that, too--that it's not because I didn't do the right things or say the right words, but just simply because I wasn't meant to be with that person. Good luck!

Angel1234

Unfortunately for me, my ex lives less than a mile away from my family in the same small town. I have to drive by his street on the way to my family's home. Each time I do it I refuse to even look at the sign.

Last spring I would start the no contact for myself with my ex that lasted 5 months. I saw him twice during that time, once when I was out with friends and once driving down the road. It shook me both times and I was unbalanced for days afterwards. Thank God he doesn't have a facebook page but there was a picture someone I'm friends with had posted of their reunion with several people in it and there he was. It was shocking to me that even months after no contact, I got so upset when I saw his face, I literally got up from my desk at work and had to go for a walk.

So, what does genius me do? I broke no contact and we started emailing and that would turn out to be the the worse 4 months I can honestly say in my life, where there is now a restraining order and CPS involved. Take it from me, do not email him, do not expect closure (that's what I kept hoping for over the years), and if you can stay away from living there, do that too.

Hawkeye13

Hi gb;

I'm sorry to hear you are thinking of breaking NC.

I don't think you will get closure so much as another stop on the crazytrain.

Please keep going north, don't contact him, don't look back and take care of yourself.

There is no "winning" with an active addict whom you are emotionally vulnerable to.

AngelWings72

Hey Gothbarbie ! I am in the same place right now...some how feelings of breaking the no contact that I composed. I returned to the house we lived in also..so weird this happened to you also. I am questioning my decision its been only 4 weeks for me.

gothbarbie

Thanks everyone for the quick responses! I am thinking it's best that i shouldn't go back there just yet as I guess I'm just not really ready. I wanted to bc I miss that place but the feeling I got when just driving thru it was almost too much too handle, I can just imagine living there. Some of my friends out here are telling me that i'm just building all of these emotions up in my head & am self sabotaging myself from being happy, which I agree with them to an extent. I have lived out here in CA for over 12 yrs now & just want my life back! I am proud of myself though for not contacting him like i felt the urge to a couple days ago, the feeling has long passed , but I still get these extreme waves of depression that completely ruin my days. I have always struggled with break ups my entire life, however the last time I dated someone for about 3 yrs in that same city, I did continue to live there after and although it was rough, I managed to push thru it. I did say that I was going to come up north first but my job is really down in socal so I only came up here for a few days to chill & relax from being on the road so long. You guys have to give me props though for NOT breaking the no contact & losing my dignity plus all of the hard work I've done in the last 4 months. This has been a HUGE step for me & I know there are times where my emotions are going to cause me to question my actions , I'm working on ME right now & trying so hard to defeat this mourning I've been going thru. Should I just wait a bit longer before going back or just do it? I work from my computer (which would allow me to keep traveling around) but I do have an actual place to work back there , I'm so confused :/

gothbarbie

Who initiated the break up? yea I've had that happen before where i've had no contact for close to a year & then i saw a picture of him & his new gf & I lost it. I needed a walk myself lol. The city I lived in with him that I'm referring to though is huge, like the 3rd largest in the world, so it's not like i'm gonna run into him as often as I would in a small town. I wish that I could go thru break ups & feel nothing and just be able to move on with my life without feeling sad. I don't want to email him bc like all of you here on SR, my other friends & family all tell me not to bc of the rotten way I was discarded to the winds. I know I'm not going to get the response I'm looking for, bc all that time being with him , I never hardly got any response I wanted.

Angel1234

I inititiated the break up before the 5 month of no contact the weekend we were going on vacation with my daughter because he was doing drugs. I didn't want him on vacation with us while on drugs or detoxing. It doesn't really matter though. It's not that I wanted to do it. He never left me any choice any time I walked away.

gothbarbie

well today is a whole new day & after thinking about things , I've decided to move back home & face everything head on. I have a friend that is letting me stay there rent free until I can get on my feet & save some money. If i still hate it by March, then I will be uprooting & moving up to santa cruz, a small beach hippie town that I've fallen in love with since being up here all weekend I like having the option of being able to leave whenever I want if it's not a good fit for me. I think that's been what's been stressing me out so much is not having a place of my own & staying on different couches/beds every few days. Thanks for listening!

allforcnm

Yes you do deserve props !! It had to be hard with all those old memories hitting you at once. Im glad you have friends there. So are you up North now, and will be going back to the south where you moved from? It is really good you realize you are in control and are free to make your own choices. Don't let memories stand in the way of a bright and happy new future. Im sure there are lots of good things in store for you; just keep those personal goals in mind and keep moving forward.

gothbarbie

yes I returned last night & feel alot better than I did on Fri when I drove thru here. I think I'm building all of these emotions up in my head mostly. I do however want to move up north after I save up some money down here though bc I'm just not as into this place as I used to be & it has absolutley nothing to do with him at all I did alot of thinking last night on my drive back & realized alot of things that have lessened my high strung anxiety. Thanks to all for their support on here ^ <3