How to handle this?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: BC
Posts: 111
How to handle this?
ok. Let's me briefly explain the situation here.
My ABF started going to the meetings since last week. On his first meeting, he got a sponsor, and the sponsor suggests him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days & call him (his sponsor) everyday. He does all these now and just started his first step meeting last week too. I'm glad that he does all these himself without me dragging him.
Last night, after he finished his meeting, and came to my place to have a dinner & watch a movie. He was kinda excited about all the meetings he went, he talked about he met some nice people there now and just made his first sharing at the meetings. But what annoying me was he now learns about all these terms (toxic relationship, recovery is for himself not doing it for others, etc). When we had some conversations last night, it bugged me a lot.
For example, I asked him to clean up his dishes and the pot after the dinner. After he finished, he asked me does he have to do it now, I told him I like to keep my place clean. Then he made a comment "This is just like a toxic relationship, u always tell me what to do." I know it was joking. but annoying.
Then he told me he will be busy next Saturday afternoon because he is going to a MMA event. Then I just causally asked him who will he going with? It's one of our common friends (good people). Then he finished the answer with "Is that a problem?". Annoying.
While he was doing the dishes, he was talking about the meetings. He said the Friday night one is guys only. Then he was joking, u know if there is woman, and people talked about they are on their 70 meetings now, women will usually a comment like "It's very good for you, I'm proud of you" (stereotype comments he said). Then I just continued the conversation said, "so how many meetings u have been to now?" I didn't mean anything, just the flow of the conversation, because he was talking about how many meetings about others, and the cake celebration. Then he said "I started last week, so tonight is 11. But you know, I'm going to the meetings is for myself, not for you." I lost it at that point. It was really annoying. I went silent. He then kept asking me what's wrong. I told him all the comments he made was annoying. He said why can't we have normal conversation.
EXACTLY.
My ABF started going to the meetings since last week. On his first meeting, he got a sponsor, and the sponsor suggests him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days & call him (his sponsor) everyday. He does all these now and just started his first step meeting last week too. I'm glad that he does all these himself without me dragging him.
Last night, after he finished his meeting, and came to my place to have a dinner & watch a movie. He was kinda excited about all the meetings he went, he talked about he met some nice people there now and just made his first sharing at the meetings. But what annoying me was he now learns about all these terms (toxic relationship, recovery is for himself not doing it for others, etc). When we had some conversations last night, it bugged me a lot.
For example, I asked him to clean up his dishes and the pot after the dinner. After he finished, he asked me does he have to do it now, I told him I like to keep my place clean. Then he made a comment "This is just like a toxic relationship, u always tell me what to do." I know it was joking. but annoying.
Then he told me he will be busy next Saturday afternoon because he is going to a MMA event. Then I just causally asked him who will he going with? It's one of our common friends (good people). Then he finished the answer with "Is that a problem?". Annoying.
While he was doing the dishes, he was talking about the meetings. He said the Friday night one is guys only. Then he was joking, u know if there is woman, and people talked about they are on their 70 meetings now, women will usually a comment like "It's very good for you, I'm proud of you" (stereotype comments he said). Then I just continued the conversation said, "so how many meetings u have been to now?" I didn't mean anything, just the flow of the conversation, because he was talking about how many meetings about others, and the cake celebration. Then he said "I started last week, so tonight is 11. But you know, I'm going to the meetings is for myself, not for you." I lost it at that point. It was really annoying. I went silent. He then kept asking me what's wrong. I told him all the comments he made was annoying. He said why can't we have normal conversation.
EXACTLY.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Gabriel, I agree, his recovery is his business. Personally, I think it's great if he wants to do 90 meetings in 90 days. But you don't have to see so much of him if he's irritating you! That's great that he's trying to turn around, but you don't have to be there for him if you're not up to it. It sounds like you are feeling annoyed with him. Maybe you need a break to focus on yourself? It sounds like he has made life difficult for you in the past, maybe you are still feeling some resentment?
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Have you thought about going to NarAnon or AlAnon meetings? There, you would learn the lingo, slogans, and philosophy of the 12-Steps while also getting support for you.
While he is talking some about his meetings, he sounds like he doesn't want to be questioned. I would try using stock phrases like "is that right?", "sounds interesting", "good for you", etc. This way you are responding, encouraging, but not asking for details.
Recovery...especially early recovery is a very personal thing, the more time he gets under his belt the more open he will be. Listen.
3,2,1
While he is talking some about his meetings, he sounds like he doesn't want to be questioned. I would try using stock phrases like "is that right?", "sounds interesting", "good for you", etc. This way you are responding, encouraging, but not asking for details.
Recovery...especially early recovery is a very personal thing, the more time he gets under his belt the more open he will be. Listen.
3,2,1
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Yes that would be very annoying….. possibly it will get better ?
After I read your post a second time I see more than annoying behavior however. It almost seems as if he is trying to manipulate you in a very passive / aggressive way. He talks to you about toxic relationships, then when you ask him to clean up his dishes he “teases” you about your relationship being toxic. But it sounds like its more than a one-off incident. Unless there was more.. even the second example where you asked who he was going with to the MMA event ( unless you were asking in a demanding tone, seems like a very casual question between a boyfriend/girlfriend to me ) yet it was like he was challenging you by adding the snotty comment at the end “is that ok with you”.
Regardless if he is in active addiction, taking on a program of recovery – make sure you watch his behavior towards you. Decide what is acceptable to you, and not. He should treat you with respect, not try to manipulate you to accept his behavior out of a sense of fear, obligation, or guilt. (F.O.G.) Don’t feel that you need to change, take on a like recovery program for HIM. If you do want to join a support group for example, do it only for yourself because you need it.
Early recovery is challenging for a couple. I went through it with my husband although he did not use the AA program, so we didn’t have any lingo to master. But there were still ups and downs, varying moods… but there was no disrespect or manipulation involved.
Good Luck to you both
After I read your post a second time I see more than annoying behavior however. It almost seems as if he is trying to manipulate you in a very passive / aggressive way. He talks to you about toxic relationships, then when you ask him to clean up his dishes he “teases” you about your relationship being toxic. But it sounds like its more than a one-off incident. Unless there was more.. even the second example where you asked who he was going with to the MMA event ( unless you were asking in a demanding tone, seems like a very casual question between a boyfriend/girlfriend to me ) yet it was like he was challenging you by adding the snotty comment at the end “is that ok with you”.
Regardless if he is in active addiction, taking on a program of recovery – make sure you watch his behavior towards you. Decide what is acceptable to you, and not. He should treat you with respect, not try to manipulate you to accept his behavior out of a sense of fear, obligation, or guilt. (F.O.G.) Don’t feel that you need to change, take on a like recovery program for HIM. If you do want to join a support group for example, do it only for yourself because you need it.
Early recovery is challenging for a couple. I went through it with my husband although he did not use the AA program, so we didn’t have any lingo to master. But there were still ups and downs, varying moods… but there was no disrespect or manipulation involved.
Good Luck to you both
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by gabriel01 
ok. Let's me briefly explain the situation here.
My ABF started going to the meetings since last week. On his first meeting, he got a sponsor, and the sponsor suggests him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days & call him (his sponsor) everyday. He does all these now and just started his first step meeting last week too. I'm glad that he does all these himself without me dragging him.
Last night, after he finished his meeting, and came to my place to have a dinner & watch a movie. He was kinda excited about all the meetings he went, he talked about he met some nice people there now and just made his first sharing at the meetings. But what annoying me was he now learns about all these terms (toxic relationship, recovery is for himself not doing it for others, etc). When we had some conversations last night, it bugged me a lot.
For example, I asked him to clean up his dishes and the pot after the dinner. After he finished, he asked me does he have to do it now, I told him I like to keep my place clean. Then he made a comment "This is just like a toxic relationship, u always tell me what to do." I know it was joking. but annoying.
Then he told me he will be busy next Saturday afternoon because he is going to a MMA event. Then I just causally asked him who will he going with? It's one of our common friends (good people). Then he finished the answer with "Is that a problem?". Annoying.
While he was doing the dishes, he was talking about the meetings. He said the Friday night one is guys only. Then he was joking, u know if there is woman, and people talked about they are on their 70 meetings now, women will usually a comment like "It's very good for you, I'm proud of you" (stereotype comments he said). Then I just continued the conversation said, "so how many meetings u have been to now?" I didn't mean anything, just the flow of the conversation, because he was talking about how many meetings about others, and the cake celebration. Then he said "I started last week, so tonight is 11. But you know, I'm going to the meetings is for myself, not for you." I lost it at that point. It was really annoying. I went silent. He then kept asking me what's wrong. I told him all the comments he made was annoying. He said why can't we have normal conversation.
EXACTLY.
My ABF started going to the meetings since last week. On his first meeting, he got a sponsor, and the sponsor suggests him to go to 90 meetings in 90 days & call him (his sponsor) everyday. He does all these now and just started his first step meeting last week too. I'm glad that he does all these himself without me dragging him.
Last night, after he finished his meeting, and came to my place to have a dinner & watch a movie. He was kinda excited about all the meetings he went, he talked about he met some nice people there now and just made his first sharing at the meetings. But what annoying me was he now learns about all these terms (toxic relationship, recovery is for himself not doing it for others, etc). When we had some conversations last night, it bugged me a lot.
For example, I asked him to clean up his dishes and the pot after the dinner. After he finished, he asked me does he have to do it now, I told him I like to keep my place clean. Then he made a comment "This is just like a toxic relationship, u always tell me what to do." I know it was joking. but annoying.
Then he told me he will be busy next Saturday afternoon because he is going to a MMA event. Then I just causally asked him who will he going with? It's one of our common friends (good people). Then he finished the answer with "Is that a problem?". Annoying.
While he was doing the dishes, he was talking about the meetings. He said the Friday night one is guys only. Then he was joking, u know if there is woman, and people talked about they are on their 70 meetings now, women will usually a comment like "It's very good for you, I'm proud of you" (stereotype comments he said). Then I just continued the conversation said, "so how many meetings u have been to now?" I didn't mean anything, just the flow of the conversation, because he was talking about how many meetings about others, and the cake celebration. Then he said "I started last week, so tonight is 11. But you know, I'm going to the meetings is for myself, not for you." I lost it at that point. It was really annoying. I went silent. He then kept asking me what's wrong. I told him all the comments he made was annoying. He said why can't we have normal conversation.
EXACTLY.
If the "this" is him navigating the very early stages of recovery, you handle it by staying out of his way.
I'm aware I may be sounding short with you. Right now, he's keeping the focus on his recovery. So this is your opportunity to focus on your recovery.
I would pay attention to cynical_one's suggestion to you: find a local Nar Anon and/or Al Anon meeting and go in with your ears and eyes open.
Keep us posted as to how you're doing.
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: BC
Posts: 111
Thanks for everyone response. I just love coming here everyday.
The "this" I mean, I don't want to be part of his recovery. But I'm not sure how to handle his comments and how to response. But I talked to him. I'm still working on my recovery & want to love and take care of myself & I have a lot of things I want to learn on my own, so I don't want to hear too much about how he handle his. I don't want to be stress out. I told him time & action will tell me how he is doing on his. At this moment, I just enjoy his company to hang out during weekend to watch a movie or so. But if there is thing that will stress me out, I want my own time instead. I told him now he has a sponsor, if he had any question or problem, he should try to talk to him instead of me.
The "this" I mean, I don't want to be part of his recovery. But I'm not sure how to handle his comments and how to response. But I talked to him. I'm still working on my recovery & want to love and take care of myself & I have a lot of things I want to learn on my own, so I don't want to hear too much about how he handle his. I don't want to be stress out. I told him time & action will tell me how he is doing on his. At this moment, I just enjoy his company to hang out during weekend to watch a movie or so. But if there is thing that will stress me out, I want my own time instead. I told him now he has a sponsor, if he had any question or problem, he should try to talk to him instead of me.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
This
And this.
I think you have a great attitude! So many want to know all the details, and be a part of someone else's recovery and go as far as contacting their addicted loved ones sponsors, physicians, and therapists. Gosh, talk about control issues and it being all.about.me.
Originally Posted by gabriel01
I don't want to be part of his recovery.
Originally Posted by gabriel01
I told him now he has a sponsor, if he had any question or problem, he should try to talk to him instead of me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Originally Posted by cynical one
This
And this.
I think you have a great attitude! So many want to know all the details, and be a part of someone else's recovery and go as far as contacting their addicted loved ones sponsors, physicians, and therapists. Gosh, talk about control issues and it being all.about.me.
And this.
I think you have a great attitude! So many want to know all the details, and be a part of someone else's recovery and go as far as contacting their addicted loved ones sponsors, physicians, and therapists. Gosh, talk about control issues and it being all.about.me.
I love this post. Wish more people thought that way.
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