Horrible 4 day bender
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Asia
Posts: 43
Horrible 4 day bender
So...I got out of rehab on December 1st.
I drank again on December 18th after 6+ months. I got drunk but it was fun, the hangover lasted only 4-6 hours the next day. I lied to my mother, who was living with me that I went on a trip to Bangalore to meet an old client and she believed me/didn't suspect that I had relapsed when I got back the next night.
On January 2 I drank again while watching the India premiere of The Wolf of Wall Street. I had 3 triple vodkas and then went to a brothel after the movie so I could shower. I emptied a can of deodorant and a lot of perfume on myself and brushed my teeth. It was ~6 hours after the drinks when I finally got back to the apartment and my mother didn't suspect that I had had anything.
On January 6th I finally moved out to my own (another) apartment and got drunk that very night (went to a hooker bar). On January 7th I walked around in the heat to get internet hooked up (no car), with a horrible hangover and because of all the walking in the heat I decided to have "just one beer", which became whiskeys after a few beers. Then I started phoning some of my old drinking buddies (very bad idea as nobody knew that I was in rehab) and talked crap to them, basically told them that I had been in rehab and cursed my mother etc. Went all the way across town and got extremely wasted, had tequila shots at the Hard Rock Cafe and slept the night at a friend's place. January 8th I woke up at about noon and went to have coffee with an old codeine addict friend, by 4PM I was sitting with him in a bar drinking whiskey. Even now I didn't feel that **** had hit the fan, I felt that I was in control and things were going fine, just blowing off steam. But the worst part was having my phone on me. I was now getting calls from all the old friends that I would drink with and about 10PM I went to meet one of them and on the way there I literally dropped my phone out of a taxi window (by accident). More drinking ensued with this friend and I got back home (new apartment) on January 9th morning, about 7AM, drunk out of my mind and not even knowing the address correctly so it took me more than an hour to find the damn building.
This is when the full extent of the damage started to show, I started getting the sweats etc and slept/passed out all day. Woke up at twilight and was extremely horny (test levels rising back?) so I decided to go get laid. I called a buddy from the International Sex Guide forums and went to a brothel. I swore I wasn't going to touch any more alcohol. My appetite was killed already. I just showered, drank a lot of water, b vitamin pills and ate a snack from a street cart. Met said friend and got laid and he praised the girl he had got so much that I was tempted to go with her too so he suggested a drink before the 2nds and after the intense session (still with hangover in full force) I thought just 1 beer would help me rehydrate and feel better. I managed to have just a few pints and finish the job with the 2nd girl but I had a buzz going and I drank AGAIN after the screw. This time it completely demolished me. I have no idea how I got back to my apartment but I woke up sweating and stinking at January 10 noon and just cried. I just sat there for hours doing nothing and I felt increasingly depressed and very, very lonely. In these 4-5 days since I moved in I hadn't even bothered to unpack my bags and the whole place was a squalid mess.
I managed to shower and drag myself out and buy a new phone. I called my mom and asked her if I can move back in for a few days with her. She said yes and even came to pick me up. I don't know what she thinks now/if she suspects I drank. I am very worried if she comes to know that I did and the people from the rehab come and kidnap me again. I still have a nasty hangover (about 18 hours now from last drink), I can't eat and I'm sweating very badly. I have acidity and mild shakes. I hate the fact that I'm such a loser who can't keep my **** together even for a week. I used to enjoy living alone (I moved out when I was 14 and stayed by myself for until a few months before I got into the rehab) but I can't do it now if I don't even unpack my bags and stop drinking. I have no idea what to do now and am very scared of being sent back to the rehab. I can't eat and my head hurts like hell. Also I hated the few hours I did spend in that apartment by myself all alone. I think I've gotten used to living with people around by staying in that dormitory for 6 months. Loneliness sucks.
I drank again on December 18th after 6+ months. I got drunk but it was fun, the hangover lasted only 4-6 hours the next day. I lied to my mother, who was living with me that I went on a trip to Bangalore to meet an old client and she believed me/didn't suspect that I had relapsed when I got back the next night.
On January 2 I drank again while watching the India premiere of The Wolf of Wall Street. I had 3 triple vodkas and then went to a brothel after the movie so I could shower. I emptied a can of deodorant and a lot of perfume on myself and brushed my teeth. It was ~6 hours after the drinks when I finally got back to the apartment and my mother didn't suspect that I had had anything.
On January 6th I finally moved out to my own (another) apartment and got drunk that very night (went to a hooker bar). On January 7th I walked around in the heat to get internet hooked up (no car), with a horrible hangover and because of all the walking in the heat I decided to have "just one beer", which became whiskeys after a few beers. Then I started phoning some of my old drinking buddies (very bad idea as nobody knew that I was in rehab) and talked crap to them, basically told them that I had been in rehab and cursed my mother etc. Went all the way across town and got extremely wasted, had tequila shots at the Hard Rock Cafe and slept the night at a friend's place. January 8th I woke up at about noon and went to have coffee with an old codeine addict friend, by 4PM I was sitting with him in a bar drinking whiskey. Even now I didn't feel that **** had hit the fan, I felt that I was in control and things were going fine, just blowing off steam. But the worst part was having my phone on me. I was now getting calls from all the old friends that I would drink with and about 10PM I went to meet one of them and on the way there I literally dropped my phone out of a taxi window (by accident). More drinking ensued with this friend and I got back home (new apartment) on January 9th morning, about 7AM, drunk out of my mind and not even knowing the address correctly so it took me more than an hour to find the damn building.
This is when the full extent of the damage started to show, I started getting the sweats etc and slept/passed out all day. Woke up at twilight and was extremely horny (test levels rising back?) so I decided to go get laid. I called a buddy from the International Sex Guide forums and went to a brothel. I swore I wasn't going to touch any more alcohol. My appetite was killed already. I just showered, drank a lot of water, b vitamin pills and ate a snack from a street cart. Met said friend and got laid and he praised the girl he had got so much that I was tempted to go with her too so he suggested a drink before the 2nds and after the intense session (still with hangover in full force) I thought just 1 beer would help me rehydrate and feel better. I managed to have just a few pints and finish the job with the 2nd girl but I had a buzz going and I drank AGAIN after the screw. This time it completely demolished me. I have no idea how I got back to my apartment but I woke up sweating and stinking at January 10 noon and just cried. I just sat there for hours doing nothing and I felt increasingly depressed and very, very lonely. In these 4-5 days since I moved in I hadn't even bothered to unpack my bags and the whole place was a squalid mess.
I managed to shower and drag myself out and buy a new phone. I called my mom and asked her if I can move back in for a few days with her. She said yes and even came to pick me up. I don't know what she thinks now/if she suspects I drank. I am very worried if she comes to know that I did and the people from the rehab come and kidnap me again. I still have a nasty hangover (about 18 hours now from last drink), I can't eat and I'm sweating very badly. I have acidity and mild shakes. I hate the fact that I'm such a loser who can't keep my **** together even for a week. I used to enjoy living alone (I moved out when I was 14 and stayed by myself for until a few months before I got into the rehab) but I can't do it now if I don't even unpack my bags and stop drinking. I have no idea what to do now and am very scared of being sent back to the rehab. I can't eat and my head hurts like hell. Also I hated the few hours I did spend in that apartment by myself all alone. I think I've gotten used to living with people around by staying in that dormitory for 6 months. Loneliness sucks.
Last edited by Dee74; 01-11-2014 at 03:55 PM. Reason: removed link to closed thread
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
whew I am grateful I am sober, no- do not miss that insanity one bit. Been there done that.
Big Book Online Fourth Edition
Maybe Take a look at this link and find an AA meeting.
Big Book Online Fourth Edition
Maybe Take a look at this link and find an AA meeting.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
How awful.
All of it. The substances, the squalor, the shame.
The complete disconnection from the self. And from the soul. Both yours and the women you are using.
This makes me ache for all of you. How unbelievably sad.
All of it. The substances, the squalor, the shame.
The complete disconnection from the self. And from the soul. Both yours and the women you are using.
This makes me ache for all of you. How unbelievably sad.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi TonyF, I will say that I relate to you in some ways, not directly to your exact experiences but the mentality. I'm not scared or frightened by it, so PM me if you would like to talk about it 1:1. I know about the loneliness thing and still not wanting to accept help and suggestions from others.
Other that that, I strongly encourage you to try and trust others to give you directions in this state, be it just a friendly talk with someone you like, an employer that wants to make something specific work with you and is willing to help, or us here on SR.
Other that that, I strongly encourage you to try and trust others to give you directions in this state, be it just a friendly talk with someone you like, an employer that wants to make something specific work with you and is willing to help, or us here on SR.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: perth Western Australia
Posts: 132
I was 7 and 1/2 months sober and relapsed 4 times over the xmas new year period.
I am with you, feeling like crap, I do not want to go back to that life.
it offers me misery, depression, suicidal thoughts.
lets pull it back together and not go further down the rabbit hole........
I am with you, feeling like crap, I do not want to go back to that life.
it offers me misery, depression, suicidal thoughts.
lets pull it back together and not go further down the rabbit hole........
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Asia
Posts: 43
Thanks everyone for your messages. I really appreciate it.
I'm doing okay. The hangover is just about gone.
I can not do this kind of thing again and get away with it. I had heart palpitations and horrible nightmares. I've never had the heart stuff before.
I am going to design a busy daily routine and try to stick to it. This will include exercise.
I am trying to figure out where to go. I would like to have some amicable company wherever I do move to. I may start working on getting a real girlfriend.
I will immerse myself in my work and building my business back up.
This is all easier said than done of course. Right now my mentality is "never again" but I don't trust myself. I don't want it to just be a matter of time all over again. I wonder if there is anything that mimics alcohol without the physical damage. I read about a pill invented by "Professor David Nutt". But that is a long shot and probably a fantasy. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with reality or choose death. I really want to make an effort this time. I agree that the first drink is the worst and that is what I need to not succumb to under any circumstances.
I really appreciate all your messages and support. It means something to me right now. We're all in the same boat right, and I just ****** up.
I'm doing okay. The hangover is just about gone.
I can not do this kind of thing again and get away with it. I had heart palpitations and horrible nightmares. I've never had the heart stuff before.
I am going to design a busy daily routine and try to stick to it. This will include exercise.
I am trying to figure out where to go. I would like to have some amicable company wherever I do move to. I may start working on getting a real girlfriend.
I will immerse myself in my work and building my business back up.
This is all easier said than done of course. Right now my mentality is "never again" but I don't trust myself. I don't want it to just be a matter of time all over again. I wonder if there is anything that mimics alcohol without the physical damage. I read about a pill invented by "Professor David Nutt". But that is a long shot and probably a fantasy. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with reality or choose death. I really want to make an effort this time. I agree that the first drink is the worst and that is what I need to not succumb to under any circumstances.
I really appreciate all your messages and support. It means something to me right now. We're all in the same boat right, and I just ****** up.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, Tony.
Thank you, AlphaOmega, for expressing pain for plight of the girls (and boys) sold into brothels; for them, a better life is almost always beyond their reach. Their lives are inescapable. Human trafficking -- another term for slavery -- in India is among the worst anywhere.
Sex Trafficking | Half the Sky | Independent Lens | PBS
A great deal of sympathy and prayer has been expressed for you here and in other threads you've posted, Tony ... heartbreak over your nightmare.
The good news is you can escape your nightmare by choosing to commit to sobriety.
I hope we can all find it in ourselves to express the same sorrow, and engage in prayer, for those trapped in the nightmare of human trafficking.
Thank you, AlphaOmega, for expressing pain for plight of the girls (and boys) sold into brothels; for them, a better life is almost always beyond their reach. Their lives are inescapable. Human trafficking -- another term for slavery -- in India is among the worst anywhere.
Sex Trafficking | Half the Sky | Independent Lens | PBS
A great deal of sympathy and prayer has been expressed for you here and in other threads you've posted, Tony ... heartbreak over your nightmare.
The good news is you can escape your nightmare by choosing to commit to sobriety.
I hope we can all find it in ourselves to express the same sorrow, and engage in prayer, for those trapped in the nightmare of human trafficking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Asia
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I think without the internal motivation to stay sober, any pill is useless Tony.
Do you have any ideas why you drink?
D
Do you have any ideas why you drink?
D
The reason I've always failed with staying sober is that stress, boredom and discontent build up and after a while there is one trigger, it could be a walk in the heat, something not going my way or just wanting to have some fun and I will tell myself, **** it, just a few just for today. And then it all goes to hell because as soon as I get even a little buzz going, I just absolutely have to have more till I feel numb.
The goal is always relaxation. And the reason I lie to myself in my own head that I'll have just a few is that I know that I don't want the consequences of a binge or going back to daily drinking.
So for real lasting motivation I probably need something which engages my attention fully and makes me feel alive.
Originally Posted by Venecia
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain, Tony.
Thank you, AlphaOmega, for expressing pain for plight of the girls (and boys) sold into brothels; for them, a better life is almost always beyond their reach. Their lives are inescapable. Human trafficking -- another term for slavery -- in India is among the worst anywhere.
Sex Trafficking | Half the Sky | Independent Lens | PBS
A great deal of sympathy and prayer has been expressed for you here and in other threads you've posted, Tony ... heartbreak over your nightmare.
The good news is you can escape your nightmare by choosing to commit to sobriety.
I hope we can all find it in ourselves to express the same sorrow, and engage in prayer, for those trapped in the nightmare of human trafficking.
Thank you, AlphaOmega, for expressing pain for plight of the girls (and boys) sold into brothels; for them, a better life is almost always beyond their reach. Their lives are inescapable. Human trafficking -- another term for slavery -- in India is among the worst anywhere.
Sex Trafficking | Half the Sky | Independent Lens | PBS
A great deal of sympathy and prayer has been expressed for you here and in other threads you've posted, Tony ... heartbreak over your nightmare.
The good news is you can escape your nightmare by choosing to commit to sobriety.
I hope we can all find it in ourselves to express the same sorrow, and engage in prayer, for those trapped in the nightmare of human trafficking.
But given the numbers and my insane lifestyle in the past I always feel guilty that may be, just may be I have been with one who wasn't doing it voluntarily (I don't remember a lot of the things that I did very clearly).
I used to go to the women's shelter and orphanage near the Bethany hospital. There are 300 women there. When I had a car I would load it up with fruits, chocolates etc. about once in a month and go spend a couple of hours with them. I went there a couple of times after I got out of rehab. The mother superior there asked me if I should like to help teach them English or use a computer every now and then. This is something I wouldn't mind doing at all but I hate the public transport here. It would be ironic if in trying to develop empathy in myself or help others, I drink again because of the horrible commute...
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