Cutting ties with alcoholic brother and his enablers
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4
Cutting ties with alcoholic brother and his enablers
Hi! I posted yesterday about having an alcoholic brother who lives with my parents and the stress it is causing our family.
I very recently cut ties with my alcoholic brother. Too much drama.
I also cut ties with my parents, who I feel, are codependent and enabling his alcoholism. I am deeply saddened they put him first. I am a normal, healthy person and they don't seem to put me first, or even care how this is affecting me...only him.
I feel terribly sad for cutting ties with my parents. Do you think I made the right decision...is there a better way I could have gone about this?
I very recently cut ties with my alcoholic brother. Too much drama.
I also cut ties with my parents, who I feel, are codependent and enabling his alcoholism. I am deeply saddened they put him first. I am a normal, healthy person and they don't seem to put me first, or even care how this is affecting me...only him.
I feel terribly sad for cutting ties with my parents. Do you think I made the right decision...is there a better way I could have gone about this?
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
A better way? Like do you mean Good, Better, Best?
I would just stick with Good Enough and not worry about Better or Best.
Sounds like you have done "Good Enough," at least for now.
A phrase we use in these circles is "Progress, Not Perfection." Good Progress on your part.
If it is not Good Enough, you can re-do or re-work things so that it is.
Do not worry about being Perfect.
Something you probably need to hear . . .. CONGRATULATIONS!
Really.
From what I think I recall, you have kids? And you are a Grown Up? THAT is a great combination. Do Good, and Raise Your Children Well.
As far as your parents and their Adult-Child-For-Life (aka, your brother). THAT is their problem. Not yours. You have own kids to raise.
Again . . . . CONGRATULATIONS!
I would just stick with Good Enough and not worry about Better or Best.
Sounds like you have done "Good Enough," at least for now.
A phrase we use in these circles is "Progress, Not Perfection." Good Progress on your part.
If it is not Good Enough, you can re-do or re-work things so that it is.
Do not worry about being Perfect.
Something you probably need to hear . . .. CONGRATULATIONS!
Really.
From what I think I recall, you have kids? And you are a Grown Up? THAT is a great combination. Do Good, and Raise Your Children Well.
As far as your parents and their Adult-Child-For-Life (aka, your brother). THAT is their problem. Not yours. You have own kids to raise.
Again . . . . CONGRATULATIONS!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 4
Yes, I am officially a grown-up. I have a young family and am in my early 30's, so I guess I am grown up!
Thanks for your reply. I am new to Alcoholism and am realizing that detaching myself from my family is best for my own mental health. I feel the need to help my brother and parents, but they don't want to be helped. They are not interested in making changes and get angry at me for telling people about his disease, or interfering in any way.
This is difficult time.
Thanks for your reply. I am new to Alcoholism and am realizing that detaching myself from my family is best for my own mental health. I feel the need to help my brother and parents, but they don't want to be helped. They are not interested in making changes and get angry at me for telling people about his disease, or interfering in any way.
This is difficult time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Everything you shared proves how much alcoholism is truely a family disease. You can clearly see how they are all so consumed in it.
Your mom wants to keep this family secret buried which only keeps the problem going.
I think you made a very healthy decision for yourself by stepping away from it and having the ability to see it for what it is and how it becomes a vortex.
Boundaries are key to keep us sane and protected from getting sucked into that vortex. Not sure of the nature you have gotten sucked in, was it visits to them, phone calls?
When my dad was in the height of his drinking I would go visit my mom but the minute he started his crap I would simple say "well I have to get going now". My mom's ill thinking was either "don't punish me by leaving because of him" or "well if I have to deal with it then so do you". My actions made her mad but I didn't back down from them or appease her I'll thinking and in time she came to see my healthy behavior was something she envied YET she wouldn't choose it for her self.
When it came to phone calls from her wanting to vent all the drama surrounding her I would simply say " I'm not up to hearing the same old same old, let's talk about something positive". She usually copped an attitude and would hang up rather quickly and I learned not to respond to that either.
I learned I could still have a relationship with the both of them but on my healthy terms and without trying to get them to change. I am the one who changed and it took them awhile to adjust.
See my mom was the queen codependent and her thinking was that love involved control and secrecy. She saw my behavior as un-loving and unkind. Most people pleasers see any self care as unloving and become consumed with guilt when they attempt it.
Hang in there, you are certainly on the right path to living a healthy life for yourself and your children.
Your mom wants to keep this family secret buried which only keeps the problem going.
I think you made a very healthy decision for yourself by stepping away from it and having the ability to see it for what it is and how it becomes a vortex.
Boundaries are key to keep us sane and protected from getting sucked into that vortex. Not sure of the nature you have gotten sucked in, was it visits to them, phone calls?
When my dad was in the height of his drinking I would go visit my mom but the minute he started his crap I would simple say "well I have to get going now". My mom's ill thinking was either "don't punish me by leaving because of him" or "well if I have to deal with it then so do you". My actions made her mad but I didn't back down from them or appease her I'll thinking and in time she came to see my healthy behavior was something she envied YET she wouldn't choose it for her self.
When it came to phone calls from her wanting to vent all the drama surrounding her I would simply say " I'm not up to hearing the same old same old, let's talk about something positive". She usually copped an attitude and would hang up rather quickly and I learned not to respond to that either.
I learned I could still have a relationship with the both of them but on my healthy terms and without trying to get them to change. I am the one who changed and it took them awhile to adjust.
See my mom was the queen codependent and her thinking was that love involved control and secrecy. She saw my behavior as un-loving and unkind. Most people pleasers see any self care as unloving and become consumed with guilt when they attempt it.
Hang in there, you are certainly on the right path to living a healthy life for yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
once every week or two phone call ????? possibly
Originally Posted by Jennyloo 
I feel terribly sad for cutting ties with my parents. Do you think I made the right decision...is there a better way I could have gone about this?
maybe you can make a once a week call just to say hi
we all never really know when we will be called home
have seen loved ones taken away quickly
leaving ones left behind with an empty hole
because years earlier they had cut all ties
went through something like this with my Mom years back
knew it was best to reconnect a little
did not want one of us dying in that condition
amount of connection to be monitored by you
Mountainman
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