Making Amends???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 58
Making Amends???
I was supposed to attend this important event of my childhood friend who also happens to be my pot dealer. I ended up getting way too drunk the night before, and way to high the next day and never made it. I was too filled with anxiety from the hangover to attend the event or call to let them know I couldn't make it. I never heard from him again.
For many years (do to heavy drinking), this was more or less the only friend I saw on a regular basis. Usually every few weeks to re-up on my pot supply.
I figured an apology while I was still getting drunk and high was meaningless so I wanted to sober up for a while. A month later I called and texted a few times to apologize and try to amends, but never got any calls back. I slipped back into my old ways shortly after for about a year and forgot about it.
4 months ago I got sober again. I was thinking about making an apology again but the more I think about it I'm not sure I want this friendship anymore. I don't have many positive things to say about the relationship. If I were to describe it, it would sound like a textbook narcissist/codependent relationship. I'm thinking I may be better off letting it go.
What do you think?
For many years (do to heavy drinking), this was more or less the only friend I saw on a regular basis. Usually every few weeks to re-up on my pot supply.
I figured an apology while I was still getting drunk and high was meaningless so I wanted to sober up for a while. A month later I called and texted a few times to apologize and try to amends, but never got any calls back. I slipped back into my old ways shortly after for about a year and forgot about it.
4 months ago I got sober again. I was thinking about making an apology again but the more I think about it I'm not sure I want this friendship anymore. I don't have many positive things to say about the relationship. If I were to describe it, it would sound like a textbook narcissist/codependent relationship. I'm thinking I may be better off letting it go.
What do you think?
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I say let it go. This sounds like a toxic friend and I personally don't see what either of you will gain by contacting him.
There are some amends we can make and some we can't. Maybe this is one of those that you can't.
There are some amends we can make and some we can't. Maybe this is one of those that you can't.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Are you in AA and are you talking about doing a ninth step when you are talking about making amends?
If your answer is yes, then amends have nothing to do with whether someone is still your friend or not and your present relationship with them but about whether YOU wronged them and behaved badly. Whether your x friend is a saint or a dirtbag is truly irrelevant.
Step 8 the precursor to the amend step talks about making a list of ALL the people we had harmed (that includes people you really can't stand too)
Amends are not about rekindling old relationships and friendships, they are about YOU cleaning up your side of the street and starting on a clean slate.
I once heard a speaker who on the subject of amends said that he paid money that he owed to a drug dealer from way back. Most of us would think: but that's crazy, it's dope money and the dealer was part of that person's destruction...but the truth is that the amend recipients moral status is not an excuse to rip them off or abuse them.
Same thing, whether someone is graceful when you make amends to them or cusses you out is completely irrelevant too. You did your footwork to clean your slate whatever their reactions is has nothing to do with the mental and spiritual process you are following.
Amends are about becoming an adult and taking self responsibilities for hurting others.
BTW I think it is a wise decision not to rekindle the friendship with him if he is toxic and not conducive to your recovery.
If your answer is yes, then amends have nothing to do with whether someone is still your friend or not and your present relationship with them but about whether YOU wronged them and behaved badly. Whether your x friend is a saint or a dirtbag is truly irrelevant.
Step 8 the precursor to the amend step talks about making a list of ALL the people we had harmed (that includes people you really can't stand too)
Amends are not about rekindling old relationships and friendships, they are about YOU cleaning up your side of the street and starting on a clean slate.
I once heard a speaker who on the subject of amends said that he paid money that he owed to a drug dealer from way back. Most of us would think: but that's crazy, it's dope money and the dealer was part of that person's destruction...but the truth is that the amend recipients moral status is not an excuse to rip them off or abuse them.
Same thing, whether someone is graceful when you make amends to them or cusses you out is completely irrelevant too. You did your footwork to clean your slate whatever their reactions is has nothing to do with the mental and spiritual process you are following.
Amends are about becoming an adult and taking self responsibilities for hurting others.
BTW I think it is a wise decision not to rekindle the friendship with him if he is toxic and not conducive to your recovery.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Amends is about setting things right.
For some people the best way to set things right with them is to leave them alone.
If we owe them money, pay it. An apology (not an explanation of why we behaved badly) is fine. But if someone has made it dead clear we are not to contact them again. Then we shouldn't contact them again.
If we apologize and don't get a response. Then that's it. They don't care to respond.
In amends we have to watch out for the part where we are doing it so we can feel better about ourselves or get approval from the other. I had to be careful to not make amends where they were NOT due, because I wanted to get approval from another.
There was a person who thought I was the cause of certain problems in their life. I was not. I thought maybe I should apologize since they feel bad. But them feeling bad was their issue not mine. I should not apologize for an imagined wrong I did not commit, either to try to make them feel better, or to try to revive a relationship under false pretences.
Honesty has been crucial to my recovery, and taking the blame for something I didn't do is dishonest. And taking the hit so I can stay in a trumped up "friendship" with a person is just fostering more dishonesty.
I've had other people in recovery argue this one with me...but that's how I see it.
For some people the best way to set things right with them is to leave them alone.
If we owe them money, pay it. An apology (not an explanation of why we behaved badly) is fine. But if someone has made it dead clear we are not to contact them again. Then we shouldn't contact them again.
If we apologize and don't get a response. Then that's it. They don't care to respond.
In amends we have to watch out for the part where we are doing it so we can feel better about ourselves or get approval from the other. I had to be careful to not make amends where they were NOT due, because I wanted to get approval from another.
There was a person who thought I was the cause of certain problems in their life. I was not. I thought maybe I should apologize since they feel bad. But them feeling bad was their issue not mine. I should not apologize for an imagined wrong I did not commit, either to try to make them feel better, or to try to revive a relationship under false pretences.
Honesty has been crucial to my recovery, and taking the blame for something I didn't do is dishonest. And taking the hit so I can stay in a trumped up "friendship" with a person is just fostering more dishonesty.
I've had other people in recovery argue this one with me...but that's how I see it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 58
Carlotta, I'm not in AA so its not to fulfill any of the steps. I hear about people in AA making amends with people they have wronged in the past. I already tired to make amends long ago, it just wasn't acknowledged. It got me thinking about this situation and whether to give it another go.
Threshold, I guess I was looking for the approval or at least the acknowledgement of the apology to make myself feel better.
No money is owed so I have no debts to pay.
Thanks for the your responses.
Threshold, I guess I was looking for the approval or at least the acknowledgement of the apology to make myself feel better.
No money is owed so I have no debts to pay.
Thanks for the your responses.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 553
Amends are for the purpose if clearing our side if the street, regardless of whether or not the friendship should continue. That being said, doing an amend that could hurt yourself or others further is not recommended and this could be one of those cases. If it will help your sobriety to try and reach out again for a sense of closure I'd say go for it. If it's going to create more harm, I'd let it go.
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