My Own Choices
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
My Own Choices
It was 2 years ago today that I had to face the reality that my husband would lie to me. It was 2 years ago today, he had no idea I was behind him in traffic, on the way home from work, and that I watched him as he changed lanes and took a right when he should have taken a left to go home. He has no idea, to this day, that I was there and that I saw him. He has no idea that when he came home and told me that he had to stay at work a little longer than normal, I knew he was lying. I didn't confront him, I just let the pain of it all sear into my heart. I made that choice.
Just 6 days before this, he had been to see his Dr because he'd been feeling unwell... no energy, achey, coughing... like a bad cold, or the flu. That's when his Dr dropped the bomb that he believed my husband was experiencing withdrawals from the painkillers he had been prescribed for his back injury two months earlier. I remember what he said when he called me that day.. "You aren't going to believe what the Dr said is wrong with me!"... He seemed shocked that he could have somehow become physically dependent on those pills. At that time, he had 2 years sober from alcohol and we were both in a recovery program. He was upset that this prescription from a doctor could have affected him this way. He wanted to be off the pain pills... So the Dr gave him some medicines to help him detox, and he came home to me, looking for and finding my support and help to see him through this... it wasn't his fault - That time, the 1st time...
Just 6 short days later, he's taken $50 from our account at an ATM (he told me that his debit card wouldn't work in the gas pump, and I had believed him) and now he was going somewhere besides our home. He had not lied to me in more than 2 years, but now he was. 2 years ago today, I had to come to grips that what may have begun quite accidentally, had turned into a conscious choice he was making for himself.
So, here I am now, 2 years later... with at least 12 - 15 of those "detoxes" under my belt... accepting that I'm married to a drug addict. I've had to determine for myself what is important, and what is not. I have chosen to forgive, accept and love on a daily, sometimes hour to hour, basis. But I choose it. I accept that to forgive him means that I must forfeit my need for justice, or my desire to see him "earn" that forgiveness. In my experience, anything less would not be true forgiveness. I realize that my forgiveness does not pardon or excuse him, but it is important for my own sanity. I have chosen to treat him with respect, whether it is warranted or not, just because I feel that it is important for myself, as a wife, to make this choice. Fake it til I make it? Maybe.. but more than anything, I have a belief, deep down inside my spirit, that reassures me that my prayers are being answered... and whether I can see the evidence of it or not, change can and will come. Today, I choose to protect my marriage, by honoring my covenant to him, regardless of his choices... and today I choose to release him and let God have His way. That is a choice that must be made on a daily basis... so I will only make that choice for today, and not worry about what choices I might make tomorrow. One day at a time, one moment at a time...
Just 6 days before this, he had been to see his Dr because he'd been feeling unwell... no energy, achey, coughing... like a bad cold, or the flu. That's when his Dr dropped the bomb that he believed my husband was experiencing withdrawals from the painkillers he had been prescribed for his back injury two months earlier. I remember what he said when he called me that day.. "You aren't going to believe what the Dr said is wrong with me!"... He seemed shocked that he could have somehow become physically dependent on those pills. At that time, he had 2 years sober from alcohol and we were both in a recovery program. He was upset that this prescription from a doctor could have affected him this way. He wanted to be off the pain pills... So the Dr gave him some medicines to help him detox, and he came home to me, looking for and finding my support and help to see him through this... it wasn't his fault - That time, the 1st time...
Just 6 short days later, he's taken $50 from our account at an ATM (he told me that his debit card wouldn't work in the gas pump, and I had believed him) and now he was going somewhere besides our home. He had not lied to me in more than 2 years, but now he was. 2 years ago today, I had to come to grips that what may have begun quite accidentally, had turned into a conscious choice he was making for himself.
So, here I am now, 2 years later... with at least 12 - 15 of those "detoxes" under my belt... accepting that I'm married to a drug addict. I've had to determine for myself what is important, and what is not. I have chosen to forgive, accept and love on a daily, sometimes hour to hour, basis. But I choose it. I accept that to forgive him means that I must forfeit my need for justice, or my desire to see him "earn" that forgiveness. In my experience, anything less would not be true forgiveness. I realize that my forgiveness does not pardon or excuse him, but it is important for my own sanity. I have chosen to treat him with respect, whether it is warranted or not, just because I feel that it is important for myself, as a wife, to make this choice. Fake it til I make it? Maybe.. but more than anything, I have a belief, deep down inside my spirit, that reassures me that my prayers are being answered... and whether I can see the evidence of it or not, change can and will come. Today, I choose to protect my marriage, by honoring my covenant to him, regardless of his choices... and today I choose to release him and let God have His way. That is a choice that must be made on a daily basis... so I will only make that choice for today, and not worry about what choices I might make tomorrow. One day at a time, one moment at a time...
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It's insanely hard to do. I have been where you are at right now. Fast forward to now and he just entered a 14 month program yesterday. It's a long road. Not an easy road to walk. But I understand and get it. I have felt everything... and have survived.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
The hardest thing for me has been seperating who he is from what he does. And now that I have settled into the idea that I love who he is enough to accept what he does I accept too, that he does not do it TO me or BECAUSE of me, or even to HURT me... it is addictive behavior, and I cannot love him out of it, but I can love HIM. I also accept that my decision to stay in this marriage means that I cannot resort to bitterness, unforgiveness and anger toward him because of what he does. If I am to accept what he does, then I have to accept everything that comes with it.
Its been a wonderful experience to let go of unreal expectations... Its nice not setting myself up to be surprised, or disappointed... accepting that he will lie, he will keep secrets, he will waste money, he will be where he shouldn't, and not be where he should... cause he's and addict, and that is what he does.
I choose to love who he is for now... the guy who makes me laugh, who builds our campfires to keep us warm when we go camping, who fries my bacon just right and flips pancakes like a pro. He is my football watching buddy, my dance partner, and takes out the garbage without being asked. He's the man who plays with our dog, and cuts our grass and washes my car.
I've learned that when I am grateful for what I DO have, then I don't have alot of time to spend thinking about what I wish I had.
Its been a wonderful experience to let go of unreal expectations... Its nice not setting myself up to be surprised, or disappointed... accepting that he will lie, he will keep secrets, he will waste money, he will be where he shouldn't, and not be where he should... cause he's and addict, and that is what he does.
I choose to love who he is for now... the guy who makes me laugh, who builds our campfires to keep us warm when we go camping, who fries my bacon just right and flips pancakes like a pro. He is my football watching buddy, my dance partner, and takes out the garbage without being asked. He's the man who plays with our dog, and cuts our grass and washes my car.
I've learned that when I am grateful for what I DO have, then I don't have alot of time to spend thinking about what I wish I had.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
That's a great way to thing Humble. I have been there too. Sadly my husband would go on these terrible binges and end up getting locked up because of the criminal part of the addiction. Be thankful he keeps himself out of the eyes of the law.
I did learn eventually to NOT separate him from his addiction. He is one person. The addict and the man I love. It's okay to not love everything about someone.... and it's okay to love someone and not be able to be with them because there choices are abusive. In my case.. the abuse was financial. I couldn't deal with the stealing of my husband.
I'm glad that you can live with it and detach. You sound so caring and loving.
I did learn eventually to NOT separate him from his addiction. He is one person. The addict and the man I love. It's okay to not love everything about someone.... and it's okay to love someone and not be able to be with them because there choices are abusive. In my case.. the abuse was financial. I couldn't deal with the stealing of my husband.
I'm glad that you can live with it and detach. You sound so caring and loving.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
I'm grateful that it has not reached the point of legal issues, and not anything too irrepairable financially. Strained, yes.. devastating, no. I'm extremely thankful for that and at the same time, I understand (too well) about the progression of the disease, so I may not be able to say the same about the situation tomorrow, or even later on today...
I must protect myself, financially, spiritually, and if the situation calls for it, physically.
I can understand coming to the point where one must see the individual as one person, both the one you love and the one you must live without in spite of that love. I'm grateful for now, that I can still see the two seperately, and I accept that as addiction changes his heart more and more, that may not always be the case.
I am lifting up each family, spouse, friend today.. asking God to pour out an extra big dose of love and ecouragement for each and every one of us...
I must protect myself, financially, spiritually, and if the situation calls for it, physically.
I can understand coming to the point where one must see the individual as one person, both the one you love and the one you must live without in spite of that love. I'm grateful for now, that I can still see the two seperately, and I accept that as addiction changes his heart more and more, that may not always be the case.
I am lifting up each family, spouse, friend today.. asking God to pour out an extra big dose of love and ecouragement for each and every one of us...
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