HelplessSoul

Hi there,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm 31 years old. Male. And I have a problem with binge drinking and pornography and I'm at the end of my rope with it. I'm not sure how much more of it I can take. I have a wonderful wife and 2 beautiful children. The job I've always wanted. I have nothing in my life to be unhappy about except maybe the way my brain is wired. And I'm so lost and confused in it I don't know if I drink to self medicate my depression or if I'm depressed because of my lifestyle.

I work away from home. 7 days in 7 days out. I don't drink that much when I'm at home as I have a family, although it does happen from time to time. When I come back to work though I bring alcohol. I've been a problem drinker for about 9 years now. After work, I drink. Fast and hard and almost always alone. I don't share my alcohol, I want it all for myself. And the only time I socialize in camp is usually when I'm out of alcohol and someone else has some. Sometimes I look forward to that first drink so much I can't wait to get it in me. I ache and yearn for it like a child waiting to go to Disneyland for the first time. I love the feeling it gives me. It makes all my troubles seem easier and not so bad and it loosens me up. I'm not a very social person when sober. I consider myself socially ******** almost. Always uptight, low self-esteem and lacking confidence. And like I said earlier, I don't know anymore if this is caused by my alcohol abuse and pornography problems or if I seek out these things to get that rush of dopamine in my brain that I may be lacking.

I drink and blackout frequently. More and more frequently. I call my wife, say things I don't mean. Text her and it's straining on our relationship and I feel utterly horrible about it the next day. If this isn't enough when I drink alone I look at pornography. I'm straight. I have no desire to be in a relationship with another man and the thought of kissing another man makes me sick. I have nothing against gay people, this is just how I feel. But yet when I drink and look at porn, it more than often is bisexual, gay or transsexual porn. It turns me on, gives me a rush. When it's over though, I feel so bad. So so bad. I go through this cycle. I do this, drink and look at porn. Then the next day I use halls to cover up the smell of the alcohol on my breath. And I worry, worry is an understatement. I torment myself inside worrying what if someone looks at who was looking at what on the internet in the camp I stay in at work and sees what I have been looking at. Hasn't happened in a year and a half since being here but I still worry about it. Will they fire me, will my wife find out, will my co-workers find out and have me be forced to quit just to hide my shame. It's getting worse, used to just be porn but lately I've been chatting with people into similar things. I'd never cheat on my wife. I know this isn't a whole lot better though, if any at all. And I torment myself about this too.

Then depending on how much alcohol I brought to camp, I run out after 2 or 3 days and have the rest of my shift to be sober and I slowly start to feel better about things and the worry goes away. I get home to my wife and kids, might have a few beers with dinner but can usually keep it under control. I might look at porn occasionally but not that much and usually only the stuff in alignment with my sexuality. By the time comes that I have to go back to work I stop at the liquor store on the way out to work, even though I know I shouldn't. I just seek that feeling I get from it and seem to somehow forget or push aside the remorse and shame I feel afterwards. I forget or push aside the fact that I know if I drink I will look at this pornography again that isn't me.

Again and again this happens and I don't know how much more of it I can take. I feel utterly hopeless to overcome it. And it baffles me. If I knew 10 years ago that I would have all the things in my life that I have today I would never ask for another thing again. But here I am, with everything I've ever wanted. Tormented with this problem to the point that ceasing to exist doesn't seem so bad. It's a pitifully selfish way of thinking as I know my family would be devastated losing me and I would never take my own life for this reason. But to be watching myself do these things again and again as if I'm just along for the ride and not even in control of myself. The remorse and the shame and the worry is compounding and diminishing my will to live.

If anyone else has had similar problems and somehow found a way to crawl out of this miserable hell, I would be forever grateful for any advice that could be offered to help me overcome this.

Thank you again for taking the time to read this,

Dee74

Hi and welcome helplesssoul -

I'm wondering what you've tried so far to stop these behaviours?
have you considered counselling? seeing a Dr?

have you considered recovery groups for the drinking and the porn addiction?

D

KateL

Hi helpless soul. Perhaps some conselling? Perhaps working away doesn't actually suit you. I don't really know what else to suggest. Perhaps someone will give you more helpful suggestions. Have a look around the forum.

HelplessSoul

Thanks Dee74 and KateL. I've just started seeing a counsellor again and am going to the doctor once my shift is over to see about anti depressants or maybe something to help with cravings. I've been to meetings before in the past. I'm not so sure they're for me. I have a hard time being fully open with my counsellor about the porn thing but I suppose if I truly want change I will have to get over that. I will ask her about about the group sessions.

Dee74

I think support is very important - as is confronting our shame and secrecy.
You'll find support here too

D

LadyBlue0527

Welcome HelplessSoul,

You've come to the right place, there is a lot of great support here if you're looking for help with your addictions. Dee and KateL's posts are on the money, perhaps some counseling? You've taken the first step which is the realization that you have a problem and you want to work on it and that's a big step.

As far as what you're looking at with porn perhaps it will help to realize that addiction is addiction, it doesn't matter what the drug of choice is be it alcohol, pills, porn, etc. In every case the addiction is progressive and it takes more and more to satisfy us. We're all sexual beings and in the beginning it's easy to get a charge out of soft porn, typical men and women having sex, etc. However, to someone who becomes addicted, the norm becomes mundane and it doesn't quite "do the trick" and give the charge that it did previously. Other visualizations need to be sought to trigger that same dopamine response that was achieved.

It could be that you're watching what you are and getting the charge not because of the content but because it veers from the norm of what you would watch. The same might happen for someone who is gay who could become addicted to porn and starts watching videos of heterosexual sex. It's not the content, it's that it's something different which then stimulates the receptors that have been rendered immune to the charge when watching the norm.

Just like an alcoholic. I didn't start out drinking tons of beer every night, it progressed from a few, to a 6 pack, to give me the beer and just keep your fingers away from my face when I'm indulging.

It's all about the search for "the feeling" and maintaining it at all costs. Doesn't matter what we use to get there but we do have our favorites!

I hope you stick around, it sounds like you've come to a point where you want to do something about it. You're in the same boat as all of us here and there's great comfort in knowing that someone knows exactly how you feel.

ClearMind

Thanks for your post! As others have said, there is a lot of great support on these forums. I find that as alcoholism progresses, conversely it causes our inhibitions to lessen or become non-existent, causing us to do things we'd never consider doing if we weren't addicted to this terrible drug. I've done so many things while hammered off booze that I've been so severely ashamed over when I eventually sobered up that I've long since lost count. The important thing to realize is that it's not a deficiency in ourselves. Alcohol is a poison, an addictive poison, and it's a drug addiction that gets worse, not better. The easiest time to quit drinking is always now, not in the future. If we wait to quit, it will always be harder.

Good luck.

halfvictory

Helplesssoul: You have come to right place. I have run into the same problem as you. I am straight as they come yet my porn addiction brought me into areas of porn I never would act out in real life, including transsexual porn. Just like LadyBlue said, the addiction needs more and eventually just hetero sex wouldn't cut it.

At first i was confused about looking at transsexual porn. "Am I secretly gay", I would ask myself. But I never could come up with that I was. I found many sites on the internet that deal with this. Type in "rebooting" in a search engine and it will speak volumes about it. Many of the studies found that straight men were looking more and more at trans, bi, and gay porn but weren't gay. Many of these sites have people who talk about that exactly.

Now for me, alcohol and porn went hand in hand. I should say "go" hand in hand as I am only 9 days sober. But my drinking problem made me lazy about not looking at internet porn, amongst many other things.

There is help and don't get confused about the transsexual, etc porn. It is real and doesn't mean that you are gay. In my opinion internet porn is not real life but it is making people, especially men, want those scenarios in real life..and hurts relationships. I know it has hurt mine with my wife.

lovesymphony

Jumping on this board first thing in the morning and reading stuff til I'm totally turned off to alcohol keeps me sober every day I do it. Some days I have to keep returning here. One or two days of slacking off. and not taking my alcoholism seriously will almost inevitably lead to a slip. It sounds like you're progressing, and at the level you're at already, things could start to get scary real fast. Not to sound negative but I would just do whatever possible to stop drinking at this point. This board is full of information and great insights. Hate to hear you're struggling so much. Things aren't hopeless, though.

HelplessSoul

Thank you all for your posts. It does mean a lot knowing there are others out there going through the same thing. I'll keep trying to fight the good fight. Wish I wasn't on-shift right now and I'd go straight in to see someone about this. I fear I'll once again be downplaying the whole thing by the end of my shift once the remorse and shame wears off and repeat the same cycle all over again. I'll keep trying though.

halfvictory

Hang in there Helpless. Come back on here at the end of your shift.

FreeOwl

hey helpless...

I also work from home. One thing that results in is a sense of isolation. I noticed that the isolation played a role in my drinking and my drinking played a big role in my sense of isolation.... vicious cycle. The drinking also led me in my life to do things I wouldn't normally do or be interested in or identify at all as "me" - because it wasn't me... it was the booze. But while drinking it's hard to understand and identify that and so it wound up leading to shame. Which led to more isolation.

You mentioned you're not sure if the meetings are for you - but you're also clearly tired of this despair and misery.

I'm going to suggest you embrace going to AA for a while. You don't have to do it for the long term... just give it a chance for a bit. The reason I'm going to suggest this is that one thing AA gave me was a break from the routine and a sense of community that helped alleviate some of the feelings of isolation.... as well as a place of understanding and support that gave me strength to take steps in recovery.

It can't hurt you.... and it might just be a step in the direction of saving your marriage, your joy, your life....

In any case, welcome. Thank you for helping me stay sober today and having the courage to share your story.

EndGameNYC

Just like Disneyland, the world we create while we're drinking is not real. There were times in my drinking life when everything seemed possible while I was drunk; one of the things that kept me coming back was that my problems dissolved once I started drinking each day, only to reassert themselves when enough alcohol had left my body. At some point, these sleights of mind that told me that my problems disappeared when I was drinking became a warning. There's only one thing in the universe that will take away my problems, but that would mean taking me away, and that is simply not an option.

The sense of reality in a drunken life, the unreality in the world of porn, are poor replacements for genuinely transforming events or experiences in our lives, the latter of which only come with experience, self-awareness and time. And often with help.

As some have suggested, your conflicted relationship with pornography will likely go the way of the unicorn when you commit yourself to achieving sobriety. Drinking brings most of us to terrible, often hateful, places. This is precisely what happens with you, and there is a way to change all this. All you need to do is start.

HelplessSoul

Thank you all,

I will go check out a meeting when I get back FreeOwl. Thank you for your advice. It does help to talk about your problems in person if nothing else. Thing I dislike most about the meetings is that I live in a small town and I've returned to walk through those doors more than a few times in my life. And it's always the same faces telling the same stories, and I feel like somewhat of a failure for falling back into heavy drinking and returning time and again as I know some of the people there.

Very true EndGame. Someone once told me you can only grow spiritually if you face the problems you meet in life head on with a clear mind and conscience. That always stuck with me. I feel that maybe the reason I am so miserable at times and lack confidence is directly linked to the fact that I've never faced any problems in life without numbing myself with alcohol or a substance.

I used to take harder drugs, and managed to crawl out of those depths but it is only a matter of time before I fall back in if I keep drinking. Only reason I haven't already is because the only times I have the freedom to drink myself into oblivion, which seems to be the only way I desire to drink , are the times that I'm at work hours from town. No drug dealers in the bush. That I'm aware of anyways.

I feel much better than I did when I started this post and thank you all for that. I'm scared though that my improved mood will result in me downplaying and rationalizing this behavior of mine as I always do. And that I'll just repeat the whole cycle all over again. This is the part that baffles me the most. How I can just go from night to day. From wishing myself dead due to the accumulated remorse and shame of my actions vowing never to do it again. To rationalizing and denial and walking right back into this **** all over again. It's... ******. And I HATE it