Two Years Gone
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Two Years Gone
Saturday is the two year anniversary of my AXGF "doing what she did", as I've come to refer to it. Which also means this month is the two year anniversary of me finding and joining SR.
It's a bit odd looking back to January 11, 2012. What I remember the most is the adrenaline pumping through my body as she was texting me while I was at work. Seeing the photo of her and her future husband, reading her gleeful confessions of her cheating on me with other men, her contempt of me...on the day, it was pretty devastating.
Two years gone, not so much.
In hindsight, I was an easy mark for a lot of reasons. And she slid in under my defenses, wowing me with mindblowing sex, soothing me with feigned emotional intimacy and empathy. And then the truth about her addiction and her character came out slowly, like a faucet dripping...first the 100 pills in 48 hours, then the oral consumption of a Fentanyl patch...the mental and emotional abuse...the suicide threats...the lying and her absolute refusal to behave in a way that was respectful of my needs and wishes...
And then, Al Anon came into the picture. I saw my part of what was an emotional clusterf**k. I recognized my contribution to the madness. So I detached, with love. I stopped reacting to her hystrionics. I let her be her.
Well, she would have none of that...
January 11, 2012 was as preordained as the sun rising. It was going to happen at some point. It just happened to happen on that day. And what she wanted to do was cause as much emotional damage on her way on the door as possible.
But that had nothing to do with me. I could have been Jimmy Page or Bill Gates or Peyton Manning, and she still would have done the same thing. She is as mentally and spiritually ill as they come. On that day, I stopped loving her. And then I made the decision two days later to reclaim my life. Some of that journey I've shared here, and I've been incredibly fortunate to be able to do that.
Someone asked a question recently about how we've changed since dealing with another person's addiction. I think one change for the better is I've come to recgonize that we're all born in the image of God. And because of that, I have learned how to dial back a lot of my anger. I do, under the right set of circumstances, have a very ugly temper. But when my blood starts boiling, I always ask myself how do I square it with God when I wish ill will upon someone. The answer is: I can't. I think this saved me two years ago; the recognition that my AXGF, while a disgusting, vile harlot, is one of God's children. That allowed me to heal. And ultimately, she doesn't answer to me. She answers to Him.
Of course, there is a dark side. She hasn't fully let me go (although thanks to iOS 7, she's blocked for good). She apparently thinks her wedding pictures interest me (I wonder what her husband would think of her sending pictures to me). My guard is always up. I'm fully aware of what she's capable of. When I hear a car drive by my house late at night, I get nervous. I'm afraid to come home and find one of my more expensive guitars either missing or destroyed. And I wonder how, if ever, I will ever explain my misadventures to another woman who I may be interested in (or may be interested in me). Sex doesn't interest me anymore; getting tested for STD's was one of the most humiliating things I've ever had to do. And my emotions are way to powerful to think of sex as a purely physical act.
Still, reclaiming my career and finishing graduate school is something I'm very, very proud of. The fact that I could be in the middle of the boonies 90 miles west of Salt Lake City three months after she did what she did and be both comfortable in my own skin and take in the desolate beauty of the desert was a big moment, too.
Am I happy? Some days, yes. Am I content? Most days, yes. Am I fully over the trauma? No. But that will happen on its own time and schedule.
Am I open to loving again? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But I guess that's better than simply no.
But the biggest thing is I've learned that when one smell trouble, pay attention to it because I'm probably right. Denial can get you in a sh*tload of trouble.
So, on this anniversary, I'd like to dedicate the following song to my AXGF:
Sister Hazel - 15 - Thank You (DVD) - YouTube
To people like Ann, EnglishGarden, AnvilHead, blackandblue and others, thank you for your kindness, wisdom and support.
And this message to our newbies.
My story may be like yours, or it may not be. But the pain, the confusion, and the desperation you feel isn't that far removed from mine or any other member's. Use your heads. Make the right decisions for you, remembering that what you may want and what is best for you may be orthogonal to each other.
Best wishes to you all. And stay warm.
ZoSo
It's a bit odd looking back to January 11, 2012. What I remember the most is the adrenaline pumping through my body as she was texting me while I was at work. Seeing the photo of her and her future husband, reading her gleeful confessions of her cheating on me with other men, her contempt of me...on the day, it was pretty devastating.
Two years gone, not so much.
In hindsight, I was an easy mark for a lot of reasons. And she slid in under my defenses, wowing me with mindblowing sex, soothing me with feigned emotional intimacy and empathy. And then the truth about her addiction and her character came out slowly, like a faucet dripping...first the 100 pills in 48 hours, then the oral consumption of a Fentanyl patch...the mental and emotional abuse...the suicide threats...the lying and her absolute refusal to behave in a way that was respectful of my needs and wishes...
And then, Al Anon came into the picture. I saw my part of what was an emotional clusterf**k. I recognized my contribution to the madness. So I detached, with love. I stopped reacting to her hystrionics. I let her be her.
Well, she would have none of that...
January 11, 2012 was as preordained as the sun rising. It was going to happen at some point. It just happened to happen on that day. And what she wanted to do was cause as much emotional damage on her way on the door as possible.
But that had nothing to do with me. I could have been Jimmy Page or Bill Gates or Peyton Manning, and she still would have done the same thing. She is as mentally and spiritually ill as they come. On that day, I stopped loving her. And then I made the decision two days later to reclaim my life. Some of that journey I've shared here, and I've been incredibly fortunate to be able to do that.
Someone asked a question recently about how we've changed since dealing with another person's addiction. I think one change for the better is I've come to recgonize that we're all born in the image of God. And because of that, I have learned how to dial back a lot of my anger. I do, under the right set of circumstances, have a very ugly temper. But when my blood starts boiling, I always ask myself how do I square it with God when I wish ill will upon someone. The answer is: I can't. I think this saved me two years ago; the recognition that my AXGF, while a disgusting, vile harlot, is one of God's children. That allowed me to heal. And ultimately, she doesn't answer to me. She answers to Him.
Of course, there is a dark side. She hasn't fully let me go (although thanks to iOS 7, she's blocked for good). She apparently thinks her wedding pictures interest me (I wonder what her husband would think of her sending pictures to me). My guard is always up. I'm fully aware of what she's capable of. When I hear a car drive by my house late at night, I get nervous. I'm afraid to come home and find one of my more expensive guitars either missing or destroyed. And I wonder how, if ever, I will ever explain my misadventures to another woman who I may be interested in (or may be interested in me). Sex doesn't interest me anymore; getting tested for STD's was one of the most humiliating things I've ever had to do. And my emotions are way to powerful to think of sex as a purely physical act.
Still, reclaiming my career and finishing graduate school is something I'm very, very proud of. The fact that I could be in the middle of the boonies 90 miles west of Salt Lake City three months after she did what she did and be both comfortable in my own skin and take in the desolate beauty of the desert was a big moment, too.
Am I happy? Some days, yes. Am I content? Most days, yes. Am I fully over the trauma? No. But that will happen on its own time and schedule.
Am I open to loving again? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. But I guess that's better than simply no.
But the biggest thing is I've learned that when one smell trouble, pay attention to it because I'm probably right. Denial can get you in a sh*tload of trouble.
So, on this anniversary, I'd like to dedicate the following song to my AXGF:
Sister Hazel - 15 - Thank You (DVD) - YouTube
To people like Ann, EnglishGarden, AnvilHead, blackandblue and others, thank you for your kindness, wisdom and support.
And this message to our newbies.
My story may be like yours, or it may not be. But the pain, the confusion, and the desperation you feel isn't that far removed from mine or any other member's. Use your heads. Make the right decisions for you, remembering that what you may want and what is best for you may be orthogonal to each other.
Best wishes to you all. And stay warm.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 125
Geez ZoSo thanks for that wonderful honest insight on everything ^ It makes me feel "normal" to know that someone else besides me has those "I'm ok today but tomorrow I hate life & my emotional turmoiled anxiety that comes in waves' ugh if only i could shut it off- someday I will be able too & you will too 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Zoso thank you so much for sharing your story of where you've been and how far you have come. It gives others inspiration to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel called drug addiction.
I too try to look at this from God's point of view because there have been times my anger was so ugly and so terrible. That's not like me and I didn't like myself for it. I tell myself over and over we are all God's children and it is for Him to judge. Easier said than done at times.
I agree if many of us just listened to our gut we probably would have done things differently or sooner but we all have our own path.
I pray you have a much better year and things go well for as you continue grad school. Sounds like you are moving forward and doing positive things for yourself. I love reading positive posts and seeing people who are doing things to make themselves happy. I think in the end, for both the addicts and loved ones, it is about loving ourselves isn't it?
I too try to look at this from God's point of view because there have been times my anger was so ugly and so terrible. That's not like me and I didn't like myself for it. I tell myself over and over we are all God's children and it is for Him to judge. Easier said than done at times.
I agree if many of us just listened to our gut we probably would have done things differently or sooner but we all have our own path.
I pray you have a much better year and things go well for as you continue grad school. Sounds like you are moving forward and doing positive things for yourself. I love reading positive posts and seeing people who are doing things to make themselves happy. I think in the end, for both the addicts and loved ones, it is about loving ourselves isn't it?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Happy 2 years of SR, Zoso, and thank you for all the inspiration and insight you have shared with us, funny how that works. We walk together and learn from each other and hold each other up when the going gets rough.
I often refer to "strangely wrapped gifts" here, blessings in disguise. If this had not happened to you, you may not have found the important life lessons you have learned along the way and you may not have come here and said something that was life changing to someone else who followed your path and who needed to hear them...all gifts.
Life takes us to where we are supposed to go, sometimes it's smooth sailing, sometimes it's rough seas, but if there is one thing I have learned in all my years of recovery it is to trust the journey and let God take the helm.
It's a beautiful world out there, all we have to do is show up and notice.
Hugs of gratitude for all you do here.
I often refer to "strangely wrapped gifts" here, blessings in disguise. If this had not happened to you, you may not have found the important life lessons you have learned along the way and you may not have come here and said something that was life changing to someone else who followed your path and who needed to hear them...all gifts.
Life takes us to where we are supposed to go, sometimes it's smooth sailing, sometimes it's rough seas, but if there is one thing I have learned in all my years of recovery it is to trust the journey and let God take the helm.
It's a beautiful world out there, all we have to do is show up and notice.
Hugs of gratitude for all you do here.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by needingabreak 
Zoso thank you so much for sharing your story of where you've been and how far you have come. It gives others inspiration to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel called drug addiction.
I too try to look at this from God's point of view because there have been times my anger was so ugly and so terrible. That's not like me and I didn't like myself for it. I tell myself over and over we are all God's children and it is for Him to judge. Easier said than done at times.
I agree if many of us just listened to our gut we probably would have done things differently or sooner but we all have our own path.
I pray you have a much better year and things go well for as you continue grad school. Sounds like you are moving forward and doing positive things for yourself. I love reading positive posts and seeing people who are doing things to make themselves happy. I think in the end, for both the addicts and loved ones, it is about loving ourselves isn't it?
I too try to look at this from God's point of view because there have been times my anger was so ugly and so terrible. That's not like me and I didn't like myself for it. I tell myself over and over we are all God's children and it is for Him to judge. Easier said than done at times.
I agree if many of us just listened to our gut we probably would have done things differently or sooner but we all have our own path.
I pray you have a much better year and things go well for as you continue grad school. Sounds like you are moving forward and doing positive things for yourself. I love reading positive posts and seeing people who are doing things to make themselves happy. I think in the end, for both the addicts and loved ones, it is about loving ourselves isn't it?
Best,
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Small world, Zoso.
Jan 11 (five years ago) was the 'precipitating event' in her life
that began (my) misadventure in 'addiction land'.
I think we have both paid our dues in full, learned a lot----and
have earned the right to go forth in this grand adventure called life....
....and never look back.
Jan 11 (five years ago) was the 'precipitating event' in her life
that began (my) misadventure in 'addiction land'.
I think we have both paid our dues in full, learned a lot----and
have earned the right to go forth in this grand adventure called life....
....and never look back.
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