Jennyloo

Hi,

I'm hoping to get some insight. My little brother is an alcoholic and he lives with my parents. Since I found out a year ago, I have not taken my kids to their house.

My parents wished to keep his alcoholism a secret from the rest of my siblings. I however, told my one sister, because she leaves her children at my parents house to babysit. I felt she had the right to know.

Now my parents are not talking to me, as I've "betrayed" them. Did I do the wrong thing by telling my sister? I just wanted her to be informed.

Thank you so much to anyone who replies! I am going through such a hard time thinking about my brother, and now this additional anger from my parents.

ladyscribbler

Your sister has a right to keep her children safe. You weren't gossiping, you were giving her information to help her do that. I'm sorry your brother is an alcoholic, and that your parents are determined to enable him at the cost of other relationships, but that is the nature of the disease. You don't have to get involved in their stuff, and their anger is just that- theirs. It is not a reflection on you.
Have you tried an alanon meeting? They are great for people struggling with issues of alcoholism in the family. I've been going for several months and the program has really helped me a lot in a short time. Best wishes and thanks for posting.

Recovering2

Part of our own illness when dealing with an A is to become trapped in lies, secrecy, etc. It makes us as sick as the A. Your parents are stuck in that chaos, trying to pretend things are different than they are. They are likley enabling his disease by protecting him from the consequences of his drinking.

I have an A brother, who also lives with my parents. I confided in a dear cousin when things were bad, and my parents found out. My Mom was furious, this should "stay in the family". I explained that she could do what she wanted, but I needed support in dealing with it.

Your folks can choose to deal with it how they like. IMO, if your sister's kids could potentially be exposed to it then she has a right to know. Again, you're all family. If your parents get upset, they can have their reaction. But it doesn't have to affect what decisions you make with respect to your brother.

AlAnon would be a great idea for you and your sister. It will help you understand where your parents are in all this, and help you learn to set/hold boundaries for your own well being.

Hammer

Jenny, No, you did fine.

Protecting the kids is #1.

Maybe it will give a little sympathy for your parents in that they think they are doing the same . . . . protecting the kid -- your brother. He is still their kid, to them.

Of the various A relationships we may have to deal with -- A parents, or an A spouse, or A children. Dunno, but an A child may be the hardest. But like I say -- dunno. I see the parents have a Real Hard time, even with Alanon.

Speaking of Alanon. You know about that?

Both you and your parents may greatly benefit.

btw, Welcome to S.R.

hopeful4

What would happen if something happened to the children while they were over there and you had said nothing? She would never forgive you, nor would you forgive yourself. Forget your parent's anger. Think about how you would be betraying her and the safety of her children by NOT telling her. And I would tell your parents just that.

It is sad they feel the need to be so secretive from their own children. I can tell from experience that is a very sad and lonley life. When I opened up to those I care about about my husband being an alcoholic it gave me a freedom I had not had in years. I gave me the opportunity to seek support....FOR ME...instead of always being so focused on him and his recovery. It gave me an outlet in so many ways.

I would say you should seek out Celebrate Recovery or Alanon to deal with how this is affecting YOU. You would get good support there from people who truly understand what you are going through.

Keep posting, you are not alone. You have done the right thing!

Jennyloo

Wow, thank you for your replies. It's nice to talk to others going through similar situations.

I feel so many emotions right now. Sad that my parents put my brother first at the cost of our relationship. Angry at my brother for using my parents etc.

There is an al-anon meeting tonight in the area. I think I will go.

Recovering2

Your parents are in a bad situation, and likely doing the best they can. They will protect your brother and try to avoid conflict. I know that my parents saw me as the "strong one", so they protected my AB and believed that I would somehow be fine. I could take care of myself. It took awhile for them to realize that I was deeply hurt.

AlAnon is a great idea. It's suggested you attend 6 different meetings before deciding if it's for you or not. Different meetings have different formats, so if one doesn't work for you try another. Bottom line, you will get a ton of support and understanding in those rooms. We all "get it".