HumbleNumb

Hi there everyone! I am new, posting for the first time, but I am a battered warrior in the world of substance abuse and addiction. I was talking with my Mom recently about my brother (who is living with my parents, and recovering from meth) - and as she talked, she mentioned some personality traits my brother exhibited since he was a young child. Things like the attitude of entitlement (he was the only boy, the rest all girls) - the way he would respond to praise from her or other people (if she bragged on him for making an "A", he'd come home with 2 "F's" the very next day) - and how if anyone praised him for something, he would quickly and with determined fervor, get himself into trouble somehow. I remember this too, as he was growing up, my baby brother.. just BAFFLED me how he would respond to even POSITIVE reinforcement in a negative way... and then, right out of the clear blue, it HIT ME like a ton of bricks! I have married my BROTHER!! NO, I didn't marry my BROTHER, but my AH exhibits those same personality traits himself. If he thinks he's doing "good", then he'll ride it for a bit, only to really, REALLY screw up somehow. Its almost like with both my AH and my AB, they just can't process the positive reinforcement without it affecting them negatively. Now, mind you, both these men are F-U-N guys! either one of them would crack you up with laughter, and I'm not going to lie here, that ability to make me laugh has held an otherwise doomed marriage together, and it still has its really good times (despite lies, deceit, and pills) - I guess I'm saying all this to ask if any of you who have family or friends, do you see this behavior in your Addicted Loved One? Just wondering how common it might be...

KeepinItReal

I know addiction is selfish and usually only cares for itself when it's in it's worst form.

sojourner

Hi HumbleNumb: Welcome to SR. Hope your brother has the strength to go deeper into recovery. It is a world well worth it.

Your topic is a good one. I raised 3 sons - 3-1/2 years apart in age. The two oldest did not become addicted, although the oldest one did experiment with drugs and alcohol as a teenager. The youngest one became addicted as a result of his experimentation. So I have pondered this topic much over the last years.

Because my two older sons are doing well, I tend to minimize their character defects growing up. They had plenty of them. That older son of mine was like the grocery cart with bad wheels that one has to battle throughout the entire store. Every step, every turn takes energy.

Because my youngest son is afflicted with addiction, I tend to remember only the character defects that I feel contributed to his current lifestyle. But he certainly was not 100% character defects.

So how I look on that now is that if my youngest son (the addicted one) ever finds recovery and after I have gotten to a point of trusting him again, I assume I will also minimize the character defects he had growing up just like I have done with the two older ones.

Anyone, that's my take on it. Hope that helps.

AnvilheadII

perfectionist tendencies coupled with being a chronic incomplete.

if we never even get close to success, we can never FAIL.
if we never let ourselves ACHIEVE things, we can never LOSE them.
if we don't try too hard, we can never be disappointed.
if we always disappoint others, they will never have expectations of us we can't hope to meet.

HumbleNumb

My AH is the youngest of 3 boys, and both his brothers are a good bit older than him. He has shared with me that, although he doesn't hold his parents responsible for any of his problems, he can see that he was treated with a great deal of leniency as a child. One of the most troublesome of issues that I see still affecting him as an adult, is his inability to "stick" to anything for very long. Growing up, he was allowed (not encouraged, but allowed) to quit at any time he wanted, no matter what the situation was. When a sport stopped being fun, he'd quit... when a hobby started to require a bit of work, he'd quit... if he wasn't the star of the team, he'd quit... and so he grew up to be a world class quitter... He can get excited about something, even now, get all involved, go all out on it, spend whatever to get what it takes, and then... the new wears off, or it gets old, or no longer as much fun... and he just quits, walks away without any thought of the money or time he's already invested... and its never a big deal... "it is what it is"... that recovery phrase has been tainted and perverted in my home... This trait has become pretty predictable in his on again, off again, attempts at recovery from pain pills... so I love him, and I pray for him... and I accept him.
On a side note... would anyone be interested in a new 15lb bowling ball? I'll throw in the bag and shoes for free... HAHAHA!

needingabreak

Anvilhead and humnlenumb you have described my son to a T! He has always been a happy and charming person BUT as you explained never finishes anything!! He gives up easily and won't try for things he could. It makes me feel so bad because he has such potential. I guess it comes from lack of self esteem. He is the middle child. He has an older sister and younger brother. His sister has always been ambitious and will go for whatever she wants. My younger son is quieter and not as motivated as my daughter but more so than my RAS.

I'm curious why they have these same traits. What does it mean?

HumbleNumb

While I don't know what it means, I do know that there are possibly certain personalities that may be more suspectible to addictive behavior... NOT to say that there is ANY person immune from developing an addiction, but maybe some personalities may be more genetically predisposed to it - OR maybe there is something about certain personality traits that make a person respond to a substance with an addictive tendancy. For my AH, he began drinking (to the point of drunkeness) around age 10. He said he remembers going through the house during one of his parent's cocktail parties and gathering up the glasses from all their guests... where he'd politely take them into the kitchen and drink whatever was left in the bottom of them all. I guess as he became intoxicated (and being the funny guy he is) he'd perform amusingly for all the guests and get alot of attention and laughter (of course) - Guess if all the grown ups were bombed, then they failed to notice this kid was drunk, they just thought he was "just the cutest kid EVER"... So, he learned early on that when he drank, he could be the center of attention... another trait he recognized in himself when we were both going through recovery from alcohol... WOW! 5 years ago! (stopping to pat myself on the back.. 5 yrs sober, this Jan 19th )
Anyway.. in working through the steps back then, he recognized his tendancy to create issues in order to gain attention.. fake injuries and illness, etc.
Bear in mind, he doesn't recognize these traits springing to life in him again, as he is in active addiction currently...
BUT, praise the LORD, I'm not... WOW! 5 years sober!!! woo hoo!!! Way to go - ME!

needingabreak

Yes that is fantastic! 5 years! Congratulations! !