Jend719

I haven't been on in awhile although I pop in to read a little. Since December 19, my Rad was released from jail, came home, I flew to Florida to take care of dad on life support, my RAS came home, has been sick, was in the ER 3x, spent 1 wk in the hosp, came home 2 days ago and is now sick again. To top it off RAD has started her sh!t again. Last night she informs me that she is getting picked up for "dinner plans" and then going to a meeting with someone from her past. Meeting is at 7 and only 1 hr tonight she says. Of course, hubby and I are furious, not a good idea etc etc. She came home 3 hrs past the meeting, was with 2 guys, lies, gave me an attitude this morn like she doesn't have to explain herself to me. I blew up after she cursed at me. She then started slamming the coffee cup and screaming. It just brought back so many memories of the old behavior. Not even using behavior just the usual dysfunctional crap we've always dealt with. I called my hubby at work and I started to cry. I just have no fight left in me for this anymore. There's too much on my plate. It doesn't stop adding up so quickly. I can't get thru one crisis before another breaks out. How much am I supposed to take before I completely lose it? I can't go back to dealing with her poor attitude and lack of respect for our rules, lack of consideration for anyone else, and rebellion. When is she going to learn?

suki44883

I'm sorry, jend. I know it hurts, but she'll learn when you refuse to allow her to treat you that way. If my daughter talked that way to me, she would be out the door before she knew what was going on. You have enough on your plate without allowing her to show you no respect. When are YOU going to learn you do not have to put up with this?

hopeful4

O Jend...I am sorry. Accept that it may take some true extremes for her to learn. She may never learn. You need clear boundaries what you are willing to put up with in your home...and stick to them.

I am so sorry to hear about your dad, how awful. And then RAS being in hospital? Goodness. Just those things seem more than anyone shoul dhave to bear at once. Take it a moment at a time. Praying for you.

Tight Hugs.

Txhelp

Is there any reason why your daughter cannot work and pay for a place to stay (room for rent; sober living; small apt)?

I have to ask myself this question. My young adults may choose to not work; use drugs; not take care of their business. Are they capable? I always answer yes!

It helps me when I have to set clear boundaries after I "help" them.

interrupted

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Some days I say this hundreds of times to myself.

Twofish

Dear Jend, Is there something in the water? Our ADs are going crazy on us, the only ones left that will love them. Tough love, don't even go there, I don't understand it. I didn't even recognize my daughter this time, she had rage in her eyes, she wanted to kill me. The name calling and fowl, evil names she called me...Was addiction always like this? Why are we putting up with them? At least your husband is backing you, mine just wants out.
I'm so sorry you had to go thru this. If I could take anymore pain in this old heart of mine, for you, I would. We are good moms, why are our children so messed up?
I was able to get an emergency appt. Friday to talk to a therapist. Kinda late for this, but I seriously feel I'm going crazy. I'm such an enabler. Can we help each other? I will be thinking of you thru my tears today. TF

AnvilheadII

I can't go back to dealing with her poor attitude and lack of respect for our rules, lack of consideration for anyone else, and rebellion. When is she going to learn?

then show her the door and let her go live her life exactly as SHE wants. and she can yell and rage and scream and bang things all she wants in her very own place. and act up, act out, rebel whatever.

unless YOU change, she continues to learn that you'll be the doormat and the whipping boy and let her get away with ANYTHING.

Chino

I finally understood when I choose to love, respect, and stand up for myself.

Like the program director said at my RAD's rehab:

If you can't say no, you have no business dating, getting married, having children.

It's never been about them, it's always been about us.

needingabreak

Jend, so very sorry your daughter is behaving with such disrespect. You do not deserve this. As others have mentioned maybe it's time for her to live away from your home since she cannot be respectful. Until you show her in action, that this will not be tolerated, she will continue to be abusive. Understand, they do it because they can. Who is stopping her? Time to put yourself first and let your daughter figure it out on her own. You'll be giving her a gift. Independence. Hugs to you. No one should have to endure what you have. I'm so sorry about your dad. We are always here for you.

Jend719

Thank you. I have to take to her to her first appointment with probation today. We will see how that goes. She did apologize for blowing up at me. She still doesn't see anything wrong with what she did by going out with these people and coming home late. I told her "this is my house, if you cannot conform to my rules then you have a choice to make! I won't tolerate it!". Let's see what happens. I'm just tired ...physically, mentally, emotionally. I have no fight left in me for this anymore.
TF...I'm so glad to see you are still here. That made my day!

Ps..on a happy note...my 13 yo made "student of the month". I'm so proud of her!!

Jend719

So my AD left on Sunday to go for coffee with the same guy she was with the other night. Mister NA who supposedly knows the program so well. Obviously, they pick and choose which rules to follow. She has not been home since. My hubby called mister na's phone #from our caller I'd last night. Eventually she answered his phone. All hubby said was "ok ur alive...that's all we wanted to know goodbye". You'd think at that point she'd be like crap I need to get home. No....she's been gone for 2 days. I don't think she's using although anything is possible. She's just selfish and self centered and the worlds most amazing liar! Her behavior affects EVERYONE in my home but her! I'm sick of it! She's only out of jail 3 wks. She doesn't get sentenced to probation til the beginning of February. So right now she tHinks she can do whatever she wants. So now what?

Do we tell her to leave? We have NO FAMILY here. She literally has nowhere to go. I'm back at square one.

How do you enforce the rules of the house with someone who has zero respect for the home and the rules? Is she trying to call our bluff?

I'm spent emotionally, physically and mentally. I just have zero patience for any of this anymore. It's a scene from a bad movie that just keeps repeating itself . She's not 21 until April which presents a problem because in NYS, parents are financially responsible until they turn 21. (So beyond ridiculous!!!) so if she went to a shelter, the shelter would bill me.
I'm just at a loss. I almost dread her walking in the door at this point (if and when she divides to grace us with her presence).

Vale

You are an adult standing on your own 2 feet.
You deserve respect.
It is not negotiable.

hopeful4

Hmmmm....if she has no where to go why has she not been home in two days. I also bet she does not realize you are responsible for her until she is 21. Again, have you double checked that? I have never heard of such a thing.

Once she is sentenced to probation it will be strict. If she is doing something to violate her probation call her P.O. and tell them.

You don't deserve this Jend. Make rules and boundaries...and stick to them.

Hugs.

Txhelp

Responsible until age 21! Yikes...I could barely wait until 18! Make sure you know for sure those rules/laws from an attorney or law enforcement official....Sometimes there are partial truths.

I am so sorry and feel your frustration. Heck, I am living your frustration. My revolving door to my home is now shut with my young adults on the outside. My daughter is 19 and is bouncing from couch to couch....she is asking me back in and I have to say "no." My husband is in recovery and will not have a high person showing up or begin using......it's a lot of anxiety for all of us. He finally put his foot down.

They figure out where to go. They are smart enough to manipulate us and get their drugs with little or no money.

Kindeyes

Absolutely she is calling your bluff. And she's also proving that it's a bluff.....and so are you.

When setting boundaries, I have to realize what I am and am not willing to do. I can't bluff. I say what I mean (state boundaries clearly), mean what I say (my boundaries are not negotiable) and I don't say it mean.

If I set a boundary that I am not able or willing to keep......it's not a boundary at all.

My boundaries are simple:

I will not live with active addiction. (I will visit, go to dinner with, talk on the phone with, etc. my son if he is actively using as long as boundary #2 is not violated.)

I will be treated with respect and courtesy. (If this doesn't occur, I won't even do any of the things in parentheses above).

Those are my doozies and it took me years to get to the point of being able to enforce them well......perhaps not perfectly but well. I wish I had done it much sooner. My son and I both would have been better off for it.

What is tough love? Tough love is setting personal boundaries and enforcing them. There is nothing mean, cruel, punitive, or nasty about tough love. In fact, if there is anger, resentment, spite, or punishment involved with tough love.....it isn't tough love. It's called being an a$$hole. (Believe me.....I've done my share of that over the years.....). Nothing changes if nothing changes. I have changed.....and, as a result, so did my relationship with my son......whether he is using......or not.

Just my two cents this morning. Take what you need......

gentle hugs
ke

EJG123

Jend- When I got to rock bottom, I could no longer tolerate one more day with the insanity. I would have paid a shelter to take her.

Vale

Hard boundaries.
Not easy.....but worth it!

Twofish

Dear Jend, Oh do I feel for you! Are we related or something? Our girls are acting exactly the same.
My older AD (22) took off the other day, stayed away for 2 days, it was like peace, relief and worry all balled up in one emotion! I was frightened she may be dead or using. No word, didn't answer her phone, we had no idea where she went. She went crazy off the wall on me before she left, looked crazy!
The younger AD finally found her and brought her home, she didn't say anything to me, just walked past me and went to bed. How rude.
I also was very spent that day. Emotionally drained, sick of worry, blame, etc. you know what helped me just a little? I went to a meeting. It wasn't a Narcanon, it was an alanon meeting. My girls didn't drink, but addiction is addiction, I guess it doesn't matter too much the substance, or DOC. It calmed me some. Also, I got it out on SR. Talked it out to other mommas that had already gone thru what I/you are going through.
Today I didn't bother her, clean up her messes, make excuses. I ignored her. She slept ALL day, when she finally woke up and saw she missed her methadone clinic appt. she was mad, but so what? She should of set her alarm.
I read what Kindeyes wrote above, read it over and over and she is right! Nothing changes if nothing changes, and it doesn't change overnight. Also she explains what tough love means, that helped me sooo much, thanks KE!
Jend, breathe. Go do something for yourself. I neglected myself for 6 months and I got sick. I don't want that to happen to you. I went and got 7 inches of hair chopped off and a new style, it's still longish, but my son and I love it!!!
Tell that sweet younger teenager of your, congrats on being student of the month, what an honor!!!. My mind is wandering...I have a just turned 15yr old son, he's cute! Maybe, someday...? You better be smiling Jend! Hugs! TF

Chino

Here you go:

(c) When a youth under the age of 21, leaves home without parental consent and without "good cause," or refuses to obey the reasonable rules set by their parents, the young person may forfeit his/her claim to parental support. If the child leaves home because the conditions are unbearable, the parents may not be relieved of the obligation to support the young person. However, the young person may have to bring the parents to Family Court to obtain support in such cases.

Section IV: Parental Rights And Responsibilities

Jend719

TF.. I am smiling! Hey you never know right? I'm glad you're setting boundaries!

Well, she came strolling in around 9am. Hubby happened to get rained out of work so he was home shortly after. She says she felt like using so did what she had to do to protect her sobriety and that's just the it's gotta be. She spent 2 days with mr. Na. I'm sorry but if she felt like using she should have sought out a meeting. She should have communicated. And she most definately should have called home and not disappeared. I believe she does feel like using but I also believe she used it as an excuse to just do whatever she wanted. She's addicted to relationships too.

We calmly told her that she needs to find another place to live. We would give her some time but we are not tolerating this behavior. Doesn't mean we don't love you, care for you, or don't want you to be part of the family anymore etc but it's unacceptable. So before things get really out of control you need to find another place to live.

One of the women on our mental health support team thru the county came over to talk to her. She was going to give her info about housing etc. my daughter left with a friend! Walked right out. The woman explained to us that if she seeks public assistance they could come after us for reimbursement until she's 21. She's 21 in April so I'm not worried. By the time she got anything she'd be of age anyway. She also suggested that I call the p.o who we saw the other day for the pre-sentencing investigation. I did. I let her know what was going on. So when she goes feb.5 I guess there's a strong possibility she could just go right back to jail. It's probably better for her. We thought she learned. In the moment I think she did but because if her borderline personality disorder she only sees the now moment she's in.

I don't think she used ... Yet. I believe she will... Soon! I see the using mentality has been awakened again. It's just so sad.