Mags1

When a drunk I was in a blissful fog thinking everything hunky dory with my life with my husband.

Sobriety brings a lot of changes I never ever expected and not even sure what they are.

I feel like the proverbial caterpillar awaiting metamorphosis into a butterfly.

Then what, will it be enough to go to work every day same old humdrum , it's not as if I'm planning my next drink anymore.
Is it enough to go home to a husband who doesn't really care if I'm there or not however much I have tried since being sober. My own doing I know, who wants to share a life with a p*** head unless it gave him licence to live his own life. Let's face it I've bit been much company, fun for years , I can't understand why he put up with it.

So what now when the metamorphosis is completed, though it is a slow process, gentle shake of the wings , look around take stock, is the world my oyster.
Thankyou for letting me rant x

Dee74

Non of us can answer that for you mags - and if I may, you can't answer that either until your metamorphosis is complete.

I had to find out who I was before I could work out if my life fitted the new, authentic me.

I know you're feeling increasingly uncomfortable and you want answers now - but these are big decisions you're mulling over.

My advice is take your time.

D

Mags1

Yeah thanks Dee, just a bit overwhelmed for some reason. Patience is certainly a virtue. I must learn it a bit better. Right I've stopped wallowing, back to the grind, loads a work on my desk and posts to read.
Thanks x

SnoozyQ

Mags xx

It's alright to wallow honey . Give yourself permission to.

There are soooo many emotions we are going through , I'm only just starting to come out of my fog , but I'm not quite there yet either.

Don't make any rash decisions whilst you are in this frame of mind . I made so many huge decisions when the time just wasn't right ...in between stages of on/ off sobriety .

I'm totally getting where you are now .

I'm feeling different at 6 months and i thought i was ok at 5 .

It's going to take patience and time for us , but we will get there love xxx

Mags1

Thanks Snoozy. I'm all over the place but trying to put things in perspective x

SnoozyQ

P.m anytime you like Mags xxx

IOAA2

Hi. In +30 years observing many people coming and going in the program it's not unusual to see people once they sober up react like yourself. Many relationships begin with an alcoholic haze in both parties along with certain needs that were thought to be fulfilled when married. Many people open their eyes after sobering up awhile and wonder who is this next to me? At this point we need strong support and that is where the sponsor is so important.

BE WELL

ronjohn

I am not sure I have the answer, but I can tell,you it will take time with the hubby...

I know my wife on multiple occasions has been like "what do you want". I created space by drinking... Now that I am no longer drinking I have space that I want to have her fill back up. Guess what, she found her own things to do during that time... It will take time and I know that...

Good luck, wish I had better advice...

Mags1

Thanks IOAA2 and ronjohn
I expect I thought things would just slot back in to place but like you said they fill their space and if it's not too late and we still want to after all our changes hopefully our partners will learn to trust and love us.

I haven't a sponsor , only went yo aa once, but I do value everything said here on sr, is that sort of my sponsors

hopeful4

Can I post here from the other side of the coin? My husband is a binge drinker. Not sure if you made promises you did not ever keep before, but my husband did. So now that he is doing good he just expects me to flip a switch and get over how much damage his drinking did to me and our family. It was alot. I don't know that will ever happen. As someone else said, I made my peace and moved on with my own things. That trust has been broken, the trust that he would be my spouse and be the best person for me. To put me first as I did for him for years and years. Now I put myself and my daughters first and to be honest, he is struggling with that, I can really tell.

Be patient and give it time. I applaud you for stopping, what a blessing for YOURSELF and your family. When you hurt others, no matter in what form, it takes time to work back to a good place in that relationship.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Mags1

Thanks hopeful, yes my dad was a drinker so I experienced my childhood with a drunk as a father. You would have thought it would have stopped me knowing the pain he put upon us all.

I appreciate what you and your daughters was put through, living walking on eggshells constantly, staying awake hoping he wouldn't hurt my mum when he came in from pub, driving us while he was drunk. Gosh, I keep saying this and no one makes us put the booze down our necks but it's not called the demon drink for nothing.

I empathise with you and I do mentally not forgive myself yet for my years of drunkeness and think I won't fully until I am fully forgiven. I am thankful that I did not have children, purposefully, I could not put on them what my dad put on us, but now I am sober, sad I drank and did not have children, sadly it is too late for that, now.

But, I am glad I am sober, how I got here I don't know but it is thanks to God and all here at SR, thanks x

All the best to you and your daughters, hopeful x

JackieC

I'm experiencing some similar thoughts/feelings and I love the caterpillar/butterfly metamorphosis comparison. Mine is slightly different because I'm divorced so I have some curiosity about who I might end up with as a partner someday. The post-kids, post-40, post-divorce dating life was complicated enough before; I'm wondering how it will all shake out now. I've removed a very, very large number of men from the available dating pool by getting sober, and frankly the pool of desirable men who also desired me wasn't that big to begin with.

At any rate, it's not something I need to figure out today or anytime soon but I've been lonely for a long time so those types of thoughts sneak into my head and heart at times.

I'm going to focus on getting myself better and healthy, finding a good routine with my kids and my job that doesn't involve alcohol, and the rest will fall into place when it's meant to, I suppose.

All the best to you Mags-- I look forward to metamorphisizing (is that even a word?) along side of you and our other friends here.
Jackie

EndGameNYC

You're taking on too much responsibility for the state of your marriage, Mags. Not every husband married to an alcoholic immerses himself in Internet porn or online sexual activities in the service of defending against marital discord.

Even if his thinking were "Well, she's a drunk, she hurt me, and she wasn't there for me, so I can watch porn and have cyber sex during all my surplus time," is nothing more than a childish and potentially destructive way to "even things out." It smacks of a twisted type of revenge, and suggests serious problems that have nothing to do with your behavior or your marriage.

If a couple walks into my consulting room, and the wife tells me about what she put herself and her husband through while she was drinking, and that she's been making a serious effort to achieve sobriety, while the husband tells me that he felt abandoned so he turned to pornography and cyber sex during much of his free time to fill the void, guess which one gets my immediate attention?

SnoozyQ

Hopeful , thanks for your perspective from ' the other side' i really appreciated your input there and reading that .

Ronjohn , i totally agree with that . What were we expecting ? That they would just twiddle their thumbs and wait til we came good ...or literally woke up.

Of course they had to improvise and find a new life themselves when we decided not to be present
.
IOAA2 * many people open their eyes up after sobering up and wonder who this person is next to me *

Some great advice on this thread . Thank you xx

:-)

FreeOwl

sometimes it can be easy to let our thoughts and fears lead us from point a to point b to point x1.34b subaragraph H in our heads.

sometimes it can help when we catch ourselves spending too much time down the road in the what-if's and the will-it-be-enough's and the I wonders to just take a breath and remind ourselves; none of that is happening right now.

Right now, we're right here. Right now, we're sober. Right now... there's ____(fill-in-the-blank-with-one-good-thing-happening-now)____

And remember to ask for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change and have faith in our own courage to attend to the things we can.