Just after a little advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 9
Just after a little advice
I have always known my BF likes a drink and he suffers from social anxiety and is on beta blockers for it. We live together and for the past 6 months he has been binge drinking every weekend, whether we are out socially, at home together or he is home alone. As you can imagine this has caused some arguments.
He drinks until he gets into a state where he drops unconscious where ever he is and 9/10 urinates where ever he is. By time the Sunday roles round he is suffering from the mother of all hangovers and just lies in bed all day.
I am left to sort the house out after his sessions and bascially do not look forward to weekends anymore.
I have confronted him several times about the binge drinking and the urinating, he just says I knew he liked a drink when we first went out and should accept it and if he could stop the urinating he would and stop trying to change him. He says it is the only way he can relax becuase he feels anxious 24/7. I have said I think he should see his doctor and get different medication or therapy which he refuses to do because the doctor will think he has an alcohol issue.
He promised me he would stay sober for January but when I came home from work Saturday he had already started drinking but didn't drink nowhere near as much as he normally would but I would be drunk from it.
I have started with anxiety in Nov myself about his drinking and I can't even have an alcholic drink myself without feeling anxious. We are supposed to move to another city which is 2 hours drive away from my hometown and I dread if this situation continues when we move.
Our relationship was excellent until 6 months ago but I can't get him to tell me what has changed for him to start doing this.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him? I don't want to give him the ultimatum of me or the drink or end it without trying something
He drinks until he gets into a state where he drops unconscious where ever he is and 9/10 urinates where ever he is. By time the Sunday roles round he is suffering from the mother of all hangovers and just lies in bed all day.
I am left to sort the house out after his sessions and bascially do not look forward to weekends anymore.
I have confronted him several times about the binge drinking and the urinating, he just says I knew he liked a drink when we first went out and should accept it and if he could stop the urinating he would and stop trying to change him. He says it is the only way he can relax becuase he feels anxious 24/7. I have said I think he should see his doctor and get different medication or therapy which he refuses to do because the doctor will think he has an alcohol issue.
He promised me he would stay sober for January but when I came home from work Saturday he had already started drinking but didn't drink nowhere near as much as he normally would but I would be drunk from it.
I have started with anxiety in Nov myself about his drinking and I can't even have an alcholic drink myself without feeling anxious. We are supposed to move to another city which is 2 hours drive away from my hometown and I dread if this situation continues when we move.
Our relationship was excellent until 6 months ago but I can't get him to tell me what has changed for him to start doing this.
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with him? I don't want to give him the ultimatum of me or the drink or end it without trying something
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Redtulip, I am so sorry for the situation that has brought you to the SoberRecovery forums. You will find a wonderful supportive community here who have lived through just about every kind of alcoholic and substance abuse and will tell it like it is from their experience, with great heart.
I don't think the issue is you giving your boyfriend an ultimatum.
I have confronted him several times about the binge drinking and the urinating, he just says I knew he liked a drink when we first went out and should accept it and if he could stop the urinating he would and stop trying to change him.
HE has given YOU a clear declaration of who he is and who he intends to be. He has given YOU an ultimatum: accept me as I am now and don't try to change me.
The question is can you live with that? Take your time thinking about it, and I'd really caution you about moving away from your family and support system until you've processed what you think and feel about this relationship for the long haul.
ShootingStar1
I don't think the issue is you giving your boyfriend an ultimatum.
I have confronted him several times about the binge drinking and the urinating, he just says I knew he liked a drink when we first went out and should accept it and if he could stop the urinating he would and stop trying to change him.
HE has given YOU a clear declaration of who he is and who he intends to be. He has given YOU an ultimatum: accept me as I am now and don't try to change me.
The question is can you live with that? Take your time thinking about it, and I'd really caution you about moving away from your family and support system until you've processed what you think and feel about this relationship for the long haul.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I am so sorry for the situation you are in. A lot of us have been there.
I don't believe he has given you any reason to expect the situation to improve after you move. He "promised" to stay sober for January. He made it, what? 4 days?
When people show you who they are, believe them.
I don't believe he has given you any reason to expect the situation to improve after you move. He "promised" to stay sober for January. He made it, what? 4 days?
When people show you who they are, believe them.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 126
sorry to say my h sounded exactly the same when I first met him, he too told me I was trying to change him (and still did the other day) and I need to accept who he is. that he likes drinking and its who he and of course he isn't that bad. that was 7 years ago and 3 kids later, with a lot of fights, trying to cut back, then cutting back then slowly drinking more, and me being the bad one telling him to slow down, if I knew what I know now things would be very very very different. please be very very very cautious about this and moving also. glad u are here keep reading everything :-)
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
^^^^ What ShootingStar1 said.
He has told you in a clear and concise voice what to expect. Listen to him.
What I have learned is I would rather live MY life vs. trying to change someone who does not want to change. Trying to change someone doesn't work so you can either change yourself, accept him as he is, flaws and all, or decided that you are not compatible and move on.
He has told you in a clear and concise voice what to expect. Listen to him.
What I have learned is I would rather live MY life vs. trying to change someone who does not want to change. Trying to change someone doesn't work so you can either change yourself, accept him as he is, flaws and all, or decided that you are not compatible and move on.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
A lot of people deal with anxiety issues, they don't cope by binge drinking. He is telling you clearly that this is who he is, and he doesn't intend to change. He is telling you to accept it...but that's not his decision.
You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It is a progressive disease, and he will only get worse without real recovery. You have only lived together for 6 months, you can still save yourself in this situation. I agree that I would NOT recommend moving away from family and support, it will not help anything. Sometimes the only way to really help someone with this disease is to get out of their way, let them experience the consequences of their decisions and choices.
It's not your job to fix him, or try to get him sober. That's up to him. Take care of the one life you can do something about.....yours.
You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. It is a progressive disease, and he will only get worse without real recovery. You have only lived together for 6 months, you can still save yourself in this situation. I agree that I would NOT recommend moving away from family and support, it will not help anything. Sometimes the only way to really help someone with this disease is to get out of their way, let them experience the consequences of their decisions and choices.
It's not your job to fix him, or try to get him sober. That's up to him. Take care of the one life you can do something about.....yours.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Ahhh another fairytale... let me, no... let us know how you fix your p!ssy, alcoholic, self loathing boyfriend so we can all get a clue!
Other than that, you're about to waste your life trying to fix someone who is content on p!ssing himself.
Other than that, you're about to waste your life trying to fix someone who is content on p!ssing himself.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
I'm sorry you are dealing with that level of alcoholic.
Binge drinking to passing out to pi$$ing oneself is pretty far down the road.
I don't really understand why you are cleaning up after him.
He made the mess so he should clean it up. End of story.
In the bigger picture, why would you want to move to another city with
a person who has made it clear they are not changing their habits for you or themselves?
He has been honest about where he is coming from: He wants to keep drinking.
Alcoholism is progressive, therefore this is very likely as good as it gets.
Are you willing to get more involved with someone going down this path?
If you haven't had a chance to read the stories of people who have lived
with their progressive alcoholics on this site, I encourage you to do so.
It can get pretty awful.
Binge drinking to passing out to pi$$ing oneself is pretty far down the road.
I don't really understand why you are cleaning up after him.
He made the mess so he should clean it up. End of story.
In the bigger picture, why would you want to move to another city with
a person who has made it clear they are not changing their habits for you or themselves?
He has been honest about where he is coming from: He wants to keep drinking.
Alcoholism is progressive, therefore this is very likely as good as it gets.
Are you willing to get more involved with someone going down this path?
If you haven't had a chance to read the stories of people who have lived
with their progressive alcoholics on this site, I encourage you to do so.
It can get pretty awful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Prior to 6 months ago, how long had you known him before moving in together?
I would seriously reconsider moving 2 hours away from your hometown with him. It's not going to get better.
When they tell you who they are the first time, believe him.
I would seriously reconsider moving 2 hours away from your hometown with him. It's not going to get better.
When they tell you who they are the first time, believe him.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
I am really sorry that you're dealing with this...
And, yes...it is a progressive illness....
Here's how I know....
I reached out to my alcoholic ex around Christmas time to see how he was doing.
We broke up 2 years ago and I haven't spoken with him for about a year and a half....
I'll always have a special place in my heart for him given we were friends prior
to becoming romantically involved...
But, I digress....
In the 1 and 1/2 years since I last spoke with him, he has managed to get involved with (and these are his words) a deceptive, lying, cheating, alcoholic, drug addicted fiancé....
He lost a good job and the "motor blew" on his car...
So, he's back at home once again...
I'm sharing this with you because you would think after ALL of this he would be able to
recognize his own issues but denial is a beast when it comes to alcoholism
continuing to go untreated...
(But then again, he lost me too and I was his middle school crush...)
Sometimes, I think if THAT didn't wake him up coupled with what happened to him most recently,
then what will?
As much as you care, I would strongly suggest that you don't move away with him...
Living in isolation with an active alcoholic is NOT a good place to be...
With or without you, he will continue to drink until he's had enough....
I hope you make peace with your situation soon...
Believe me, between what I've been though plus what I hear about others, I wish alcohol was
never invented in the first place;(
Linda
And, yes...it is a progressive illness....
Here's how I know....
I reached out to my alcoholic ex around Christmas time to see how he was doing.
We broke up 2 years ago and I haven't spoken with him for about a year and a half....
I'll always have a special place in my heart for him given we were friends prior
to becoming romantically involved...
But, I digress....
In the 1 and 1/2 years since I last spoke with him, he has managed to get involved with (and these are his words) a deceptive, lying, cheating, alcoholic, drug addicted fiancé....
He lost a good job and the "motor blew" on his car...
So, he's back at home once again...
I'm sharing this with you because you would think after ALL of this he would be able to
recognize his own issues but denial is a beast when it comes to alcoholism
continuing to go untreated...
(But then again, he lost me too and I was his middle school crush...)
Sometimes, I think if THAT didn't wake him up coupled with what happened to him most recently,
then what will?
As much as you care, I would strongly suggest that you don't move away with him...
Living in isolation with an active alcoholic is NOT a good place to be...
With or without you, he will continue to drink until he's had enough....
I hope you make peace with your situation soon...
Believe me, between what I've been though plus what I hear about others, I wish alcohol was
never invented in the first place;(
Linda
Last edited by Diva76; 01-08-2014 at 07:45 PM. Reason: I found I had more to say....
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: my own prison
Posts: 108
Trust me, the last thing you want is to be isolated with an active alcoholic. I'm now isolated with a recovering one and the anxiety does not just go away because the alcohol does. I didn't know how bad things were until I moved in with my husband, 6mo after we married but I was so far away from everyone I had nobody to help me hold it together. When I couldn't breath, when my heart would race, sicker and longer than it took him to detox I was all alone. It was a very bad time for me.
Over a yr into his sobriety I still suffer from panic attacks. Not as bad or as often but it hasn't gone away and I'm still left to handle it on my own only topped by his guilt and anger because he doesn't know how to help or even why I still have them. I don't either? All I can do is breathe. Deep breaths and hot baths, the rest I leave alone.
If this sounds exciting to you then maybe you should go on with your plans? If you are already unhappy to the point of physical or mental illness I'm not sure how you could think moving will help?
I didn't leave my now RA and I don't regret it but I pay the price for it whether I want to or not. Would I recommend further commitment to an active A? Hell no! Would I clean up his pee? Nope, I get paid to do that by people who treat me better! Would I accept anxiety as an excuse for binge drinking? I did! Guess what? It was a lie to continue drinking.
You may have accepted him before but that does not mean you have to continue to. He doesn't want to be labled, he doesn't want help, he doesn't want change gross, dibilitating behaviors. Where do you factor into all that? Other than cleaning up his mess...
Over a yr into his sobriety I still suffer from panic attacks. Not as bad or as often but it hasn't gone away and I'm still left to handle it on my own only topped by his guilt and anger because he doesn't know how to help or even why I still have them. I don't either? All I can do is breathe. Deep breaths and hot baths, the rest I leave alone.
If this sounds exciting to you then maybe you should go on with your plans? If you are already unhappy to the point of physical or mental illness I'm not sure how you could think moving will help?
I didn't leave my now RA and I don't regret it but I pay the price for it whether I want to or not. Would I recommend further commitment to an active A? Hell no! Would I clean up his pee? Nope, I get paid to do that by people who treat me better! Would I accept anxiety as an excuse for binge drinking? I did! Guess what? It was a lie to continue drinking.
You may have accepted him before but that does not mean you have to continue to. He doesn't want to be labled, he doesn't want help, he doesn't want change gross, dibilitating behaviors. Where do you factor into all that? Other than cleaning up his mess...
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with the comments from everyone else especially Patientlywaitin. It is a progressive illness and the last thing you want is to be isolated from your friends and family with an alcoholic who to me appears to be in denial. Believe me the isolation and lonliness is soul destroying Sadly it will get worse unless HE gets help and HE has to want to get that help!
As for cleaning up after him, my AH went through an incontinent stage and the reason I cleaned up and washed his dressing gown, is that we were sharing a home and I did it for MY comfort as much as for his but yes, I agree, you shouldn't have to clean up after an adult, but I can understand why you did!
Do keep posting - none of us will judge you - we have all been there or are still there to various degrees and do look after yourself.
Hx
As for cleaning up after him, my AH went through an incontinent stage and the reason I cleaned up and washed his dressing gown, is that we were sharing a home and I did it for MY comfort as much as for his but yes, I agree, you shouldn't have to clean up after an adult, but I can understand why you did!
Do keep posting - none of us will judge you - we have all been there or are still there to various degrees and do look after yourself.
Hx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 9
Cheers for the advice. Its a killer at the moment because I opened up to my family about everything thats been going on with him and how unhappy I was and I had doubts about moving away. They are telling me I will regret not moving and I knew he liked a drink and give it a go because I could always come back home. Easier said than done 
I have known him for 2 years because we met through work and we have been going out for 15 month. I saw his binge drinking once before we moved in together and and I am sorry to say alarm bells didnt go off because I thought it was a once in a blue moon thing.
I have known him for 2 years because we met through work and we have been going out for 15 month. I saw his binge drinking once before we moved in together and and I am sorry to say alarm bells didnt go off because I thought it was a once in a blue moon thing.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Sad advice from your family and my mouth is on the floor.
Understand that those who have never lived with alcoholism DON"T understand it. They have a picture in their heads of what it is and it is seldom accurate. Its too often based on a movie they saw where everybody ends up skipping through fields of flowers before the credits roll.
This is your life friend, if you think cleaning up his **** party is the worst it can get you are wrong.. It can get much, much worse.
Understand that those who have never lived with alcoholism DON"T understand it. They have a picture in their heads of what it is and it is seldom accurate. Its too often based on a movie they saw where everybody ends up skipping through fields of flowers before the credits roll.
This is your life friend, if you think cleaning up his **** party is the worst it can get you are wrong.. It can get much, much worse.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am sorry for the un-healhty advise you received from your family, maybe this is why you are in this codependent relatinship with an alcoholic because of lack of knowing what is healhty and what is NOT.
No doubt what ever joy/new adventure is bringing you to this new location will be over showded of his drinking and all so consuming for you.
I guess my only suggestion is if you go through with him coming along with you then stock up on depends.
No doubt what ever joy/new adventure is bringing you to this new location will be over showded of his drinking and all so consuming for you.
I guess my only suggestion is if you go through with him coming along with you then stock up on depends.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You shouldn't give him an ultimatum, it won't work anyway. You should take this opportunity to move two hours away from him and your toxic, codependent family and never look back. Seriously.
As other posters have said- this is the BEST your relationship is ever going to be. THE BEST! Do you really want a front row seat to his slow-motion suicide? Help yourself. Go to Alanon, get some individual therapy. Do you really want to spend your life following a grown man around with a bucket of Lysol, a mop and a package of Pampers? You deserve better.
As other posters have said- this is the BEST your relationship is ever going to be. THE BEST! Do you really want a front row seat to his slow-motion suicide? Help yourself. Go to Alanon, get some individual therapy. Do you really want to spend your life following a grown man around with a bucket of Lysol, a mop and a package of Pampers? You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
It's YOUR life.
It's YOUR choice.
Choose wisely, my friend.
It is obvious that the "alarm bells" are currently going off.
I learned in kindergarten, when the alarm goes off, to exit the building.
It really is that simple. ( and yes, it will hurt for a bit, but nothing compared to the hurt of living daily life with an active addict)
Please don't fool yourself, the smoke will get you before the fire ever does.
Hope you take some time and read the painful life stories of the other posters on this board. This is real life, alcoholism is no joke, it is a very serious disease, left untreated it kills, and it will scar your very soul.
Please, start taking care of yourself, and addressing your own needs, this guy is currently unavailable, and he is not available to help you pick up the pieces of your current troubled situation.
It's YOUR choice.
Choose wisely, my friend.
It is obvious that the "alarm bells" are currently going off.
I learned in kindergarten, when the alarm goes off, to exit the building.
It really is that simple. ( and yes, it will hurt for a bit, but nothing compared to the hurt of living daily life with an active addict)
Please don't fool yourself, the smoke will get you before the fire ever does.
Hope you take some time and read the painful life stories of the other posters on this board. This is real life, alcoholism is no joke, it is a very serious disease, left untreated it kills, and it will scar your very soul.
Please, start taking care of yourself, and addressing your own needs, this guy is currently unavailable, and he is not available to help you pick up the pieces of your current troubled situation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: The planet Earth, or at least that's what I've been told.
Posts: 130
redtulip,
My heart goes out to you, as I was in a very similar situation just several years ago. I have several close friends who suffer from alcoholism, and I also witnessed it in my family growing up.
I'm an avid researcher and reader, so in my situation I started reading as much as I could about the disease. There was another thread that was started about a very good book that goes into detail about what alcoholism is and the details -
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I also started getting help for myself. I found a really good counselor, I read some very good books on spirituality and I started reaching out to people. Now, for the first time ever I feel I have balance in my life and my best friend who was sick from addiction is now sober.
The most important thing that helped me was finding some grounding. I found that through my faith, but also through opening up my heart to those around me. No one can tell you the right thing to do. But I can tell you from my own experience that if an action makes you feel more open and loving, then it's probably the right one. If it makes you feel more closed off and bitter, then it may be an indication that you are moving in the wrong direction.
C
My heart goes out to you, as I was in a very similar situation just several years ago. I have several close friends who suffer from alcoholism, and I also witnessed it in my family growing up.
I'm an avid researcher and reader, so in my situation I started reading as much as I could about the disease. There was another thread that was started about a very good book that goes into detail about what alcoholism is and the details -
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
I also started getting help for myself. I found a really good counselor, I read some very good books on spirituality and I started reaching out to people. Now, for the first time ever I feel I have balance in my life and my best friend who was sick from addiction is now sober.
The most important thing that helped me was finding some grounding. I found that through my faith, but also through opening up my heart to those around me. No one can tell you the right thing to do. But I can tell you from my own experience that if an action makes you feel more open and loving, then it's probably the right one. If it makes you feel more closed off and bitter, then it may be an indication that you are moving in the wrong direction.
C
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